Do Subs Have A Martyr Complex?

Do Subs Have A Martyr Complex?

lambsone • Feb 11, 2024

I was minding my own business today, thinking about breakfast and church (I guess those two go together ... lol), when suddenly I had the thought of doing something because it has to be done. Or because we said we would, whether we wanted to or not.

As submissives we often seek to serve others for their comfort, often sacrificing our own in the process. We tell ourselves that this us how we are and maybe even pride ourselves in the doing of it.

But, is this really done from a motivation of kindness, desire to serve, love for the other? Or do we do it sometimes from a misplaced martyr complex? I think I do have a martyr complex at times if I were to be honest about it, and I generally see that as unhealthy.

What about you? Do you think you might be motivated in your submission by a martyr complex? If so, how would you retrain yourself in proper submissive motivation?

I'mME • Feb 11, 2024

Lambsone,

This is an excellent question. I have seen relationships where one or the other definitely take on a martyr persona.. it can be a Dom as well.

I told someone not that long ago that it would be a mistake to think of me as a martyr. How much more could I say.

They pushed and pushed, and pushed some more..

I AM NOT A MARTYR. I have a huge supply for the right one, it's too bad they wanted to test me in the way they choose to.

I kept communicating my thoughts.

Some people don't hear others.

Do you have a tipping point ?

lambsone • Feb 12, 2024

I think everyone has a tipping point ... hahaha.

Yes I have one, but it varies per the person or situation that is irritating me. Sometimes I have a short fuse and sometimes too long of one.

Sincorrigible​(sub female) • Feb 12, 2024

No. My desire to submit/serve has always come from a place of attachment and connection.

It's of course arguable whether either is healthier.

But to me a martyr complex is more about believing yourself less worthy, OR it's the seeking attention and recognition for sacrificing your own wishes/needs etc, wanting acknowledgement from others for having done so.

Interesting question because I do expect recognition for my submission, just as I recognise, acknowledge and appreciate someone's domination.....

Miki • Feb 12, 2024

Even as an (inactive) masochist and not a sub, never given to any relationships whatsoever (always was that way) I don't see it as a martyr complex. Maybe some do, but the martyr complex is done to instill guilt in the dominant or regular partner. For the most part I think it's just in a submissive's nature to be, well, submissive.

As I understand it, a "martyr complex" is basically a passive-aggressive behavior and that is mostly a destructive trait.

aPeepingMom​(sub female) • Feb 12, 2024

What a fantastic question, and something I had to reflect on before answering.

I do not believe I have a martyr complex, as I do not make sacrifices to the detriment of my own health or general well-being. I serve him at my immense pleasure; I need it, crave it, and feel lost without it.

I do crave his praise, though I don’t believe it has anything to do with martyrdom but with my submissive desire to know I am pleasing him. Again, pleasing HIM brings ME pleasure so I love hearing when he is happy.

Like Miki, I tend to view mayrtyr behavior as passive aggressive, and sometimes manipulative, behavior. Because of my experiences with people who behaved this way in the past, I tend to avoid people like that today because my patience grows very thin.

aPeepingMom​(sub female) • Feb 12, 2024

To answer the second part of your question…. If I did start recognizing those behaviors in myself, I’d probably have to reflect and journal.

Why do I feel the need to always provide for others at the expense of my own needs? Why do I feel the need to seek recognition for this behavior? Do I not feel I am worthy or deserving of having my own needs fulfilled? Is my Sir aware that I am not fulfilled? Is there a reason I haven’t told him this?

Bunnie • Feb 12, 2024

I have asked myself this very same question, and to be honest, like you, I think perhaps I do to a degree. There is something that at times hits a deep satisfaction at feeling like I’m “sacrificing.” Perhaps even an “ego” booster? Or perhaps an underlying belief that at some stage I’ll be repaid/rewarded for my “selflessness”?
This realisation didn’t sit well with me either, so I get what you’re saying in thinking it’s unhealthy.
I haven’t reached any conclusions around it at this point in time though, so that’s about as far as my thoughts can go.
Great topic, thank you for bringing it to light 😊

lambsone • Feb 12, 2024

Great reflective questions aPeepingMom!

lambsone • Feb 12, 2024

I was looking up the definition of martyr complex which can also be described as victim complex (which I recognize the symptoms of more than being a martyr) apparently, and found this interesting psychological assessment.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=142260.0

I have to look at it more thoroughly later today, but just reading a few of them I had two reactions. Yes that's me and no that's not me. So I guess I will have to spend some time reflecting on the questions on the assessment, to sort out the healthy submission from the unhealthy and refine my submissiveness.