Vanilla dating

Vanilla dating

Sub Baby Love​(sub female) • Apr 20, 2024

Why is vanilla dating so hard for people who’s nature is a to be in a dynamic? Yea I know that seems like a silly question… but dating anywhere is just not easy. I have a little side that certainly feels 100x more comfortable on the cage, but falls victim to vanilla dating sometimes lol… what’s everyone’s perspective on doing both vanilla and bdsm dating communities?
Oh and if y’all know what I mean, how hard is it to find someone in vanilla world that knows what they want or wants long term?
Just stuff I’ve been thinking lately… xoxo to everyone

thedomyouneeded • Apr 20, 2024

I am struggling with this as well. I know that traditional dating hasn't worked for me, yet I am also having a hard time defining the role I play in this lifestyle. It is a very weird place to be and not sure that I can add any insight other than I know exactly what you are talking about, and it isn't easy.

MischievousMrDVS​(switch male) • Apr 20, 2024

Dipping my toes back into dating after being in a pretty open and very "in the mix" of kink.

That part of me is something I can't just turn off. So finding vanilla dating very hard.

Varangian​(dom male) • Apr 20, 2024

Vanilla dating? Oh no no you won’t find me in that shallow toxic cesspool again.

Sub Baby Love​(sub female) • Apr 20, 2024

Lol, it’s so shallow and toxic. Freaks me out.
No it’s not easy. I’m trying to figure my exact role too in a Doms life that will fill me that same happiness.

Steellover​(sub male) • Apr 20, 2024

Well, I've been pretty much resigned to the vanilla dating pool. Mostly because, over the years since I realized I was a kinky, submissive male, I have found that the options for any kind of mutually fulfilling relationship in the BDSM scene just aren't there. So I've had to temper my expectations and find someone who I am compatible with in other ways. And recognize that she is who she is, and that she will never fill the role of "dominant dream mistress" that I desire. The thing is, in my city, even the vanilla dating scene is pretty sparse and it's just hard to meet quality single, unattached people who are interested even in casual vanilla dating. Let alone kink/BDSM; you bring that up to a woman you are trying to date, and you instantly get shuffled into the "eeew, Perverted Creep" file.

So, I've tempered my expectations and have resigned to being a good lover and a good boyfriend to whoever I hook up with- and if she isn't into being a dominant kink goddess Mistress, then so be it. And I am at peace with that.

Sub Baby Love​(sub female) • Apr 20, 2024

Steellover… I agree 100%. I have to say it’s weird for me. I have a submissive side and then there’s the side of me that is learning that being dominant is really fun for me but not in a way that effects my little side. Brat/little… my brat side reallllly likes to take control of all other identities that I have. So, I’m accepting it and it’s so complicated… but the cage doesn’t ever let me down. Love so many of you guys that I’ve met. Support from men and women. Helped me so much over the years 🩷

I'mME • Apr 21, 2024

Sub Baby Love

*it’s so shallow and toxic.*

You don't find people in this area to be shallow and toxic?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Apr 21, 2024

lol, Touche'.

my desire for relationship approaches desperate sometimes. Give me a hint of chemistry, and i dive in with my shoes on.
i get the question is implying 'vanilla only,' but to me vanilla is a flavor i want along with all the others in my recipe book. i am one for layering flavors though, i don't fragment the vanilla parts of me from the other flavors.
i find it very difficult to find Guys Who are self aware, and/or if they are, know how to self disclose and articulate Who and how They are and what They need and want... along with the desire to have that from me as well. To me, that is relationship and i haven't had much success finding it in either world.

intenseoldman​(dom male) • Apr 21, 2024

Just be where you are, or it's going to be difficult in either world. The connection you're trying to make could be taking you away from where you are--that's the difficulty. You might want to go down that path and see where it leads, but you'll have to come back to yourself eventually. One interesting thing I found dating women on vanilla apps is that I still wound up with those who were submissive. They weren't out about it, looking for a dom, chores and a schedule, but they were subs just the same in their own way. I think subs and dominants naturally gravitate toward each other. But it's like finding the right prescription... you might be able to see the chart and read some lines at some power, but to find what's best for your eyes, you need to narrow it down all the way. Otherwise, it gets uncomfortable and you'll be going back to the doc to get your scrip right. Just be where you are to find the one where you're at. Don't wander too far from yourself to find someone else. Good luck in your search!