Identity Crisis - Has anyone else experienced this?

Identity Crisis - Has anyone else experienced this?

thedomyouneeded • Apr 20, 2024

Hi everyone.
I am wondering if anyone has had an identity crisis lately, and how you handled it. Prior to coming to this site, I had limited knowledge about the lifestyle. I had a dom/sub partnership for a while (at least that is how I defined it) and I really enjoyed the control and power dynamic. I came to this site to learn more about the lifestyle and also to learn more about myself. For context, here are some facts:
- I have always been a leader in sports and professional career, so the position of power comes naturally
- I had one dom/sub relationship (loosely defined) and it was incredibly fulfilling
- I struggle with traditional relationships because they don't have that other kink side
- I thought I fit the dom role, but after reading forums and profiles, I see that I don't enjoy the demeaning or humiliating side that some doms require
- I have a hard time with any of the more aggressive or violent kinks
- I also derive pleasure from my partner's pleasure, which doesn't fit the traditional dom profile either

From when I have been reading, I probably fall more into the role of a gentle dom or even pleasure dom, but I don't even know if they are considered true roles (I have read that some people don't accept them as roles). Then I start pondering this question - do I have to define a role, and does a role define me? Am I overthinking everything trying to fit myself into a clear and defined "bucket"? The only thing I do know is that I don't know what I don't know.

Open to any feedback, comments, experiences, etc... thanks in advance.

lambsone • Apr 21, 2024

What's nice about this lifestyle is that no one has to be a cookie cutter anything. The only thing that is a requirement is to be safe, sane, and concentual.

Some of us subs prefer gentle Dominants and don't get turned on by humiliation or pain. My last Dom asked me if he could use terms like whore, slut, cunt, etc when talking to me. My response was, sure if it turns you on, but it won't turn me on.

What turns me on is being close to my Dom. The more time I spend with him (whoever he is) the more hot I get.

From what you described about your own tendencies, I would say, you are normal. Finding a sub that engages with you and both are happy with each other, will be the key to your relationship being what the two of you make it.

And don't forget to have fun.

Varangian​(dom male) • Apr 21, 2024

Yes you are over thinking and maybe being overwhelmed by the amount of information.

There is no definition set in stone to what a dom, sub, sadist or masochist is and all the subcategories that go along with each one.

Doing research is good, slow down learn about yourself, then what you are looking for.

Best of luck

SweetStarling • Apr 21, 2024

Don't feel like you need to fit into a specific role or box. You can be dominant and not a sadist. I personally love pleasure doms.

Innocent Me​(sub female){Protected} • Apr 21, 2024

Who am I? I'm me. That's the only explanation I'm giving. Humans are far too complex to explain with a single title. You are you. The people who care will get to know you for an answer and the ones that don't understand you probably don't matter.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Apr 21, 2024

i typically don't put "sub" in my profiles because nine out of ten times (probably more) it attracts the wrong kind of dom to me. Which it to say, i don't believe there is a standard, one size fits all Dom, sub or __________. At the end of the day, i believe we are all individuals, that we define who and how we are, the terms we use serve to help describe us, we do not serve the term or label.

That's how i see it, and have known others who see this similarly, and others who don't. And that's okay by me. i believe it's important to know your self, then to be true to your self.

i didn't realize just how sub i am until i encountered what i term an "Affectionate Dom, probably what You are referring to as a "Gentle Dom." As i see it, the truest form of submission is given, not taken. i'm a sub, but i can put a guy to a Dom's head and get them to "submit." That's an extreme example, but force, bullying, meaness, are not my love language and they do no evoke a submissive response in me. Which is not to suggest my mode of D/s is universal, it''s clearly not. But i have encountered enough Dom's Who are wired Yang to my yin to know it's not just my solo fantasy, desire or need.

As to degradation/humiliation... i have experienced that from an Affectionate Dom and it's hugely mind blowing, arousing and bonding. It took me awhile to understand it and the appeal. The basic explanation (for me) is that some of us are 'different' from the norm, but we still grow up and develop in cultures that label us our needs and desires as diviant, sick, broken, etc.. When our Yang comes along and sees us, gets us, wants, even needs who and how we are, Them exercising that desire may evoke a conditioned response of humiliation/degradation, but at the deeper response is acceptance, desire, affirmation. i often use the example of WS as an example. We are conditioned to think of that as dirty, disgusting, etc.. For someone to want to do that to another can easily be construed as humiliating and degrading. For someone to want that can be seen as humiliating and degrading, but when two people desire that (for a variety of complex, individual reasons), it can elicit those conditioned response and at the same time be affirming to both and the source of a strong bond.

Six Foot Four • Apr 23, 2024

Don’t feel like you have to have all the answers right away; the cage can feel like drowning in a fire hose of information. Just as you’ve defined yourself in your career, so too do you get to define yourself in a BDSM context. You are under no obligation to pick a role; a role defines you as you let it. I saw that you were looking for a partner, and picking a role can help potential partners find you, I imagine.

Consider BDSM as though it were cuisine. There's no one-size-fits-all when it comes to food, just like there isn't in BDSM. Everyone's taste buds are different, and you have to cater to your own tastes. There's no “One Twue Dom;” there's what you like and what you don't and what you'll do because your partner wants it. Sometimes you do Mexican when you’d rather hit a steakhouse because that’s what the people you’re with want. You still get to order off the menu and pick the things you like the best the way you want them served. My specific flavor combination of BDSM doesn’t have an available checkbox, but I still fall within the greater sphere of dominants, so that’s what I went with.