Not listening to boundries?

Not listening to boundries?

Babybunz • Jun 5, 2024

Someone recently asked me a question....I was not sure how to answer it.

They asked me.

How do you deal with people not listening or respecting the boundaries you put down? How do you tell them to stop pushing? Do you let it slide? How do you put a stop to it without coming off as being rude? You told them the nice way at least twice but they are again doing the same thing within a day of telling them the last time.
How do you do that without being called a fake dom/sub?

They asked also
How does someone be trained by multiple but never give any names? How to you vet someone when they wont give you details to reach out to past people?

My response to them was...

Im not sure how to answer these but let me ask other community members as to how they deal and maybe we can find some answers.

(Little history about myself- I have one had one dom in my life and didnt have these issues with him so ive personally never had to deal with this and im only looking for friends)
(Their history- completely new to the life style, never had a dom. Never had a partner)

aradialspire​(dom femme) • Jun 5, 2024

Discussions about boundaries, soft limits/hard limits, etc. should always take place outside of scene play. Many new people may not know how things *should* go, so they will find out they have a limit mid-scene, and they're in a sticky position with their supposed Dom and don't want to disappoint them.

There is never a bad time to say no. I, as a Domme, have crossed boundaries with subs, even if only by accident. They've had to tell me no, that's not okay. This doesn't mean they don't respect me, or they're bad subs, they're just asserting themselves and letting me know what's acceptable during the scene and our time together. If I continued to transgress, that would make ME a shitty Domme.

**How do you deal with people not listening or respecting your boundaries? Three strike rule. If they fail to get it after three tries, they are out. There are PLENTY of fish in the sea.

**How do you tell them to stop pushing? Clearly structure everything you do, and how it is done. ESPECIALLY if you're engaging in heavy play. A responsible Dom/Domme is going to be willing to sit down with you and talk through what you're going to do in the scene (there may be improvisation, which is okay!) Have safe words, or safe actions. Sometimes you may be gagged, so you may instead tap their thigh multiple times to "tap out". These are just some examples! There are many ways to structure this

If the stop pushing is in regards to just not respecting your hard limits, tell them these are your limits. This is a power exchange. You are GIVING control to them, they are not TAKING it from you. They need to respect that gift, if they want something more, they can always find another scene partner that will go further. If they fail to respect that, you need to walk away.

**How do you do that without being called a fake dom/sub?

This is gaslighting manipulation by someone who is just using you like a ragdoll trying to get what they want out of you. Do not put up with it. A real Dom/sub relationship is built on trust and respect, not on manipulation and disregard for one another's boundaries.

"They asked also
How does someone be trained by multiple but never give any names? How to you vet someone when they wont give you details to reach out to past people?"

Well this just stands out for me. I have many former partners who would not want to be bothered by someone new, it's true, but I wouldn't brag about them either. This all reeks of a bad time for your friend. If they don't have at least ONE associate in the community who could vouch for them, that says a lot about them. I could probably find someone here who could vouch for me if I had to, and I'm barely on here.

This Dom is a red flag parade, if only for calling your friend a fake sub and constantly pushing her boundaries. Not having anyone vet his "vast" experience is also questionable. Training? I don't know. Maybe he goes to conventions. Anyone can take classes at conventions; she could, too. But if he's acting like he was a member of a House (or several), he should be able to get someone to talk to her LIVE on the phone. He could also be a younger guy trying to inflate his experience to impress her, and being inexperienced making lots of bad young Dom mistakes as we all have at some point.

Babybunz • Jun 5, 2024

Shes barely talked with him and hasn't met him in person. She (like me) is looking for friends first before anything and he wants more even tho shes told him "we need to create a friendship to see if we even click before we start anything." Yet he wants to 'hold her/kiss her/ teach her to open herself/ and train her' she told him she wasn't comfortable with talk like that yet he dismissed it (twice) as even tho shes never been with anyone those things are sacred for her as she wants to share those things with someone she trusts deeply. (Im very similar about these things tho I've had a dom and not a virgin.) She told him twice already this nicely and feels like he's going to call her a fake because he's an 'Alpha Dom'. She said she doesn't feel like anything is going to spark between them.

(She said she doesn't get the feeling that he is an Alpha but more he is saying it to try and impress her. She said this due to the way he holds himself, not with confidence but more 'im better than any guy who will look at you' attitude)

I've seen some of the messages and they make myself uncomfortable.

aradialspire​(dom femme) • Jun 5, 2024

An Alpha Dom doesn't have to be domineering and violate the boundaries of a submissive to assert dominance; He just is. That's what makes them a joy to be around! They're protective and good-natured; they won't make you feel that way.

It sounds like they do not have compatibility, she should move on immediately.

It can be so weird in the early days, trying to figure out the difference between someone trying to "seduce" and those that are transgressing boundaries; it sounds like she's seeking possible mentorship (which she should seek from FELLOW SUBS). This guy wants an insta-sub and she's not here for that. That is perfectly okay, she just has to find someone that's willing to take some time to get to know each other first. They're out there! She doesn't have to just give that away to the first person to hit her inbox, it deserves to go to someone that earns it.

Garv​(dom male) • Jun 5, 2024

Alpha Dom (?) more like an alpha ass ( apologies to my fellow Doms. Ass holes like this give the rest of us a bad rap ).
If he won't listen to your concerns, feelings now, what do you think is going to happen going forward and things will come up that you may not have even considered, do you think he's going to listen then. Bail now, find a real Dom that will protect and care for you.

Grizzledoldman​(dom male) • Jun 5, 2024

I have the greatest admiration for Doms/Dommes who are so structured and have thought out their Scenes and the what-ifs of everything. I am in awe frankly.

I am much, MUCH, more a seat of my pants kind of person. I love letting life show me whatever it chooses.

Having said that, there are things that should be inviolable. Boundaries are one. That obviously requires discussions of what those boundaries are. For me the D/s boundary discussion happens much closer in time to actually accepting one another....if that makes sense.

To put it another way: If a person, ANY person, is not respectful of boundaries when first meeting. If they ignore boundaries in the time between introduction and getting close...RUN, do not walk away. Block the name and any numbers that they have given you.

A person who ignores the boundaries of an acquaintance will never respect boundaries, safe words, icky feelings of a lover, playmate, friend.....

Sincorrigible​(sub female) • Jun 5, 2024

What everyone else has said. I would advise your friend also to trust her gut. If the behaviours are basically shitty, and make her feel shitty, then guess what, it's shitty behaviour. I have experienced all of the above before, and walked away every time. Everyone knows what is okay for them, and what isn't. The 'scene/lifestyle' doesn't remove your right to choose and assert yourself.

lambsone • Jun 5, 2024

It sounds to me as though this guy is more interested in convincing her to give him what HE wants instead of caring gor her needs. I'm afraid he is not someone to get involved with.

I think your friend should follow her own level headed insights and dump him. She has pegged him accurately. And if he tells her that she is not a sub, she can always respond with "you're not a true Dom, you're a Wannabe." My advice is to run not walk in the opposite direction.

Also I wouldn't play with anyone who does not give me their name or some way to check them out to determine if they are safe. There are too many people out there willing to take what they want and not give a darn about the person they take it from. After all, we are turning all of ourself over to a Dom, so it behooves us to be sure it's someone who is upfront with us and not wanting to skip the safe, sane, and concentual steps in a D/s relationship at all levels.

Just because someone is a sub, doesn't mean that they will lower their standards to submit to any type of Dom out there. Any Dom who believes this is a fake.

I'mME • Jun 6, 2024

Aradial,
You wrote that you have a 3 strike rule on boundaries. Would you share an example of something that you would give a 3 strike for?

aradialspire​(dom femme) • Jun 6, 2024

I strive to keep things orderly and tidy in all areas of my life, and when someone threatens that order with mess repeatedly, do not last long. That can and has included:

Contacting me outside of permitted channels. Obvious. Someone I peg in a hotel room does not need to be commenting on my family vacation photos, for example. No.

Attempting to push me further than I am willing to go (i.e., "You're not a real Domme unless you make me eat out of a dog bowl and make me eat human waste! etc., etc.") Violations of my "No GrossDom Policy" are a hard fucking line for me. That is a particularly hard line.

The sub-partner is trying to "become the Dom" and invert the dynamic. There's nothing wrong with being a switch, but that is not what we agreed to. I do not want to be topped, I want to use you as human furniture and verbally degrade you.

A manipulative sub who tries to inch me into sex work/Findom will always be cast into the shadow realm, never to return. I'm not interested in turning my pleasure into a JOB. Abysmal.

Basically, anything that repeatedly violates the rules we agreed upon and does not align with any modified agreement we may have reached in the present, as things can change. I work hard to respect my sub-partners (outside the scene anyway, inside, well...), and I expect them to return that respect in kind.

I know many Male Dominants that get tried by their female submissives (I have had female submissives, but they don't pull a lot of the same stuff the male submissives do; perhaps W/w situations are different in that regard), and that's why it's important to talk about what you are and aren't willing to accept on both sides. Each will always push it as far as they can, and if they're just really kinksters/sensation seekers with no care for the other party, you will be in for a very bad time.