Trust

Trust

IzzyK​(sub female) • Jan 5, 2025

As someone who love the lifestyle, but has deep trust issues, how woud you (any dominant) handle that? Ive had decades of never really being able to trust and depend on anyone.

What would be your game plan, I guess, to help a submissive?
Especially online, where it is next to impossible for me to truly trust.

TwinkleEyes • Jan 5, 2025

Very good question. I believe that as individuals we need to trust ourselves first. In order to trust others. Feeling safe also starts with ourselves. Love, respecting boundaries, showing ourselves forgiveness…

A good D type would give you lessons/tasks on learning to trust yourself. Blogging about these trust issues, reading material on trust, and starting this forum post seems like a good start.

Positive vibes in your journey with yourself.

Cello Trance​{for You} • Jan 5, 2025

The only way is to get to know a person is in a vanilla kind of way and to spend time with them…at least I think. Just know, that we all have trust issues. Everyone of us. And there’s nothing wrong with it. That’s called survival instinct. Also remember, that we are all flawed. There’s no such thing as a perfect person. Part of getting to know someone is to understand their flaws and their shortcomings

There’s also nothing wrong with not letting anyone into your special world unless and until you feel completely safe doing so

That’s my two cents anyway. Peace to you.

lambsone • Jan 5, 2025

All I can say is that trust doesn't happen in a vacuum. It requires talking any issues out with the partner you are interested in when you are at each appropriate level of your relationship to them. And it takes. It doesn't happen over night.

Ask about their motivations behind their actions. If their words don't match their actions ask them about what you are observing. When you get to know their family and friends and perhaps business associates, observe how they treat the potential partner and how that partner treats them.

Keep alert for the pluses and minuses that are associated with them and even keep a list. Watch how they treat you. Is it respectful, caring, or are they only full of themselves?

Right now I'm learning about a Dom who I've known for more than a year. I'm learning that my impressions need his input to determine if they are reality or a product of my fears.

If you want you can follow our journey in my blog on Slave Training and Edging. What I am experiencing and how it's handled can possibly help you too. He has encouraged me to blog about the experience so I have his permission to share my thoughts.

lambsone • Jan 5, 2025

It takes time I meant to say in the first paragraph.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Jan 6, 2025

For me, building trust is reliant on a balance of competance, integrity, and proactivity. Competence and integrity are subjective as their manifestation should fit the needs of the dynamic, but pretty much boil down to putting in the effort to be capable of meeting the relationship standards, and avoiding the abuse of power, both of which are relatively applicable. Proactivity is twofold in that it shows what you are capable of, but also that you are invested in doing what you can to progress the dynamic.
Time is another important factor, as has been pointed out in many other comments here, but time is also relative to the other three. If you start any sort of relationship with relevant competence and integrity, and are able to proactively demonstrate this, timing becomes less of a factor.

I've had quite a few online relationships, varying in degree, some of which are ongoing to this day, most of which fizzled out after a few months or years as we grew and changed. Despite the change in the romantic or sexual elements, one thing that remains consistent is that almost every partner I have had opts to remain in contact with me after we formally part ways, even if it is just asking for advice on future endeavors or having an isolated conversation on lonely nights or during boring undertakings. Either way, I credit this to the fact that I am a genuinely insightful person who deeply values healthy emotional connections with the people I meet, and especially those who choose to trust me with their vulnerabilities.

B L O N D I E​(sub female) • Jan 6, 2025

Just my two cents here, but I think the idea that you should just automatically trust people just because is an absolutely terrible idea. Just because someone shows up in your life doesn't mean you should trust them. In fact, you should automatically default to NOT trusting them--not for a long, long time and not until you have a LOT of experience with the person. You should be very quick to NOT trust someone. You never need a reason not to trust someone. It should take a LOT to make you trust someone. You should have a very good reason and very powerful evidence to support your trust in them.

The question isn't why you don't trust people because 99.5% of the people you meet aren't deserving of your trust in the first place. The question is why you aren't seeking out the people that you can trust and also why you aren't dumping the untrustworthy people quicker. The very first time someone indicates that they are unreliable and untrustworthy, they should be gone--no questions asked, no explanations given, no second chances--just gone. Instantly, permanently, forever. Goodbye. Move on to the next person. Only people who have stood the test of time should be anywhere near you. Just my opinion and one that has served me very well over the years.

Sugarkitty​(sub female) • Jan 6, 2025

I feel you. I find it very difficult as well.

I heard somewhere that trust is a leap of faith. If you need evidence to invest trust, then it isn’t really trust isn’t it? It’s a confirmation of your belief.

The suggestion was to practice increasing your tolerance for uncertainty, instead of how most of us think - minimizing risk.

Personally I see it as the person starting out with a certain credit score, it is not zero. Then he or she will increase or decrease the score based on the actions. Observe and repeat.

amalthea​(sub female)​{Mr Gregory} • Jan 6, 2025

Trust is evolving and growing, layers. It also depends on attachment style as well. You can trust someone to help you out in a jam but you may not trust that they can handle your emotions.

In BDSM, I have learned for me...and I can only speak for me...I have to trust myself first. I have to trust that I am OK being vulnerable. I have to trust that I am OK to speak up if I don't like something. I have to trust that I can say no and know my limits. After all, we are our own advocates. If a Dom can respect me, then I can build trust.

MountaintopMaster • Jan 7, 2025

All I can say is, OUCH. And yet, I feel very similar pain, as a dominant male and after decades of both (admittedly mostly vanilla) relationships.

I honestly may be done with trust, period. After what I've been through, I feel like to me it is now even more complicated than, "can I trust you?"

Because now, I am coming to terms with neurodivergent characteristics such as ADHD and/or autism, and I realize that I basically just gaslight myself into assuming that everything is okay, until it's too late.

In other words, I can trust someone 100%. I have before, and I probably will again. Maybe. But we all know that, on the deepest level, the lies we tell ourselves are the worst. Also, the truths left unspoken, even out of loving compassion for a partner, are the second-worst.

But, regarding the question at hand. How to build trust? If my disastrous experience contains any wisdom, it is this Russian proverb: "Trust, but verify".

In a kink dynamic, that might mean, swearing an oath of honesty to each other, and adhering to a relatively strict schedule of check-ins. Within reason, acknowledge to each other that people change, desire fades, failure and disappointment piles up, and eventually, if left un-addressed, leads to resentment.

But also, acknowledge that you're likely both at least a little bit of a masochist, so you might as well do some band-aid ripping anyways, right? I don't know about others, but even as a dominant, I thrive on terrifying conversations that involve painful truths. Those painful truths could eventually dictate that a partnership must be ended, HOWEVER, I also believe that they're the best chance at survival you've got.

How would I, as a dominant, help to foster and build trust? By sheer brute force of demonstration. Be a man of my word. Demonstrate respect for specific boundaries, and demonstrate attentiveness and sensitivity to more ambiguous boundaries.

It will require teamwork, and lots of input from the submissive, but you can create little opportunities to demonstrate and build trust, day by day.

I think a regular routine is key, indeed. Find those little details that allow you to build trust literally every day, if possible. Even if it's as simple as showing up on time, or demonstrating both self-control and self-actualization if my submissive asks for something. It could be as simple as, she asks for attention while I'm staring at my phone or playing a video game, and I wrangle my stubborn-ass ADHD brain away from what I'm doing almost immediately to give the attention. Or, if it's less urgent, make a promise to put down your phone in exactly 2 minutes, set a timer, and then do it.

The tiny little habits might not even add up to huge amounts of trust, however, it is the routine and the habit that allows you to take bigger opportunities to build far more trust in the long run. In other words, if your everyday life is nothing but chaos, unpredictability, last-minute frenzies, ...whatever it is that is your achilles heel, ...then you may never get to a higher level of trust-building. So, start small.