What makes a person safe?

In your view (D or s)… what makes a person safe?
What characteristics?
What actions?

We speak about safe people a lot in this way of life, so let’s get into the nitty gritty details of what that actually looks like…

A big one for me is someone who takes initiative to learn. I once did a pretty heavy scene with a Sadist that involved being nailed to a table. We negotiated for months. Researched separately and together. However, what impressed me most was his attention to detail. He researched to the point of even knowing which hammer vs nail was best to use for less possibility of mishap or risk. It made me feel safe to know that he genuinely cared about it being a safe and enjoyable experience for both of us.

From an emotional aspect, my past play partner, over time, slowly showed me that my fears and quirky self were safe with him. He allowed me to express myself without shame. If there were moments that he felt judgement towards something I shared, he told me and we would discuss it. Nothing was off limits between us because we gave each other permission to show up authentically. We worked together to create a safe space between us, where we could be vulnerable and even scared in that vulnerability… and that in turn gradually taught us how to hold space for each other in a way that felt honouring and respectful.

Everyone is an expert thanks to utube.

I think:
Experience trumps any amount of research. In any kind of play and even in communication.

Trial, error, time and patience are nessessry for safety. Even communication is a learned skill.

At least in my experience and opinion.

Someone who doesn't claim to know everything.
Someone who is genuinely interested in learning about you.
Someone who is open about themselves and their life.
Someone who respects your choices when you talk about what you like AND what you don't like.
Someone who doesn't attempt to change your mind about things that are hard limits for you.

Safety is an illusion when I was a child I believed my bed would keep me safe, earth quakes say fuck your bed, your roof, the walls, and the floor.

Just random stuff I searched.

People killed by cows each year 22
People killed by horses each year 100
People killed by stray bullets each year 39
People killed by ants each year 300
People killed by lawn mowers each year 70
People killed by champagne corks each year 24
People killed by toasters each year 300
People killed by icicles each year 100

In this lifestyle trust, experience, and the words coming out of their mouth better match their actions, that will keep you safe-ish

@Kae’l,

if I’m reading your response correctly… a person that feels safe to you is someone who has a bit of experience under their belt? And who has the willingness and capability to work through trials and errors together?

@Sinister Mister,

would I be accurate in saying that it reads like you’re suggesting that someone with integrity is what you consider to feel like a safe person?

Perhaps it would create better clarity if I said… what characteristics and behaviours do you consider to be Green Flags?

@ Bunnie

Integrity is a start. Time, consistency, communication, their actions, selflessness, may get a person there.

[quote="Bunnie"]@Kae’l,

if I’m reading your response correctly… a person that feels safe to you is someone who has a bit of experience under their belt? And who has the willingness and capability to work through trials and errors together?

Yes, Bunnie, for example:
Fire wands
Single tails.
Drop
In my experience, require hands on experience to feel safe.

Love these! Thank you for sharing.