Munches, Vetting, and Barriers to Seeking

Anyone else feel uncomfortable with the pressure to go to a bunch of vanilla social events before being able to approach anyone in a local scene? Munches and social events are usually considered the gold standard for getting involved in local scenes and finding people. Lots of venues/group require you to attend vetting sessions before you can go to partner seeking events, and there aren't many of those.

On one hand, I understand we do risky things and need to work towards safer spaces. I know many folks do want a community of kinksters to learn from and share with. I know how many people can be creeps.

Which is why I feel like a creep and a hypocrite for that all seeming like an unsurmountable under taking. I work a weird schedule and need a lot of rest, so I only have so much time available. I also have autism and social anxiety so using my spare time to sit awkwardly in a party and prove myself a trustworthy partner sounds horrid. I'm very private about my intimate life so I hate the idea of being questioned about my kink life by a stranger. One group in my area even makes you attend classes before you can go to a social event. I don't want to talk about kink like a hobby group. I want to find someone I connect with behind closed doors. Lots of folks say that's a red flag.

Many people say they feel safer meeting someone in person. I like online because I have a lot of specific questions to ask and like sorting that out before being in the same room with expectations. Online is also rough waters.

So, has anyone else felt this? Does anyone have insights on how to show you're trustworthy in a way that doesn't drain autistic and introverted nervous systems? Is it wrong to abstain from munches and local vetting?

BDSM/kink is dangerous, at the least emotional abuse can occur, next worst SA, then life changing injuries, worst death. While in-person events are not perfect, and sure for people on the spectrum, to varrying degrees a challenge -I know that struggle myself- at least its possible (assuming people running events aren't scum bags) to have a degree of safety (never 100% safe) that people at events/munches are genuine and are who they say they are.

I have run in-person munches/parties, and frankly there is no way on this planet, or any other I would allow anyone to attend who I did not know, in-person. Online alone is not enough to get a sense of someone, and event organisers are responsible for others safety too, so while its possible to get it wrong with in-person sussing out, its a better start of point than online, alone.

Nearly all my kink life hurt, disappointment, broken heart, frustrations, has been online people, this year there has been so much, on this site, and others. Frankly I am exhausted by it, and I am all out of spoons. I have had some nice online encounters/involvements in the past, and I am hopeful, I will again, recently all my best, fun times have been with people I met at munches and parties.

You do you, and I am sympathetic to your struggles, but being frank anyone I might encounter online, in my location, saying what you are saying, who won't do classes, or munches, yeah I would red flag them, and move on.

Nah. I feel uncomfortable in all social situations pretty much equally regardless of purpose. Munches make sense to me: join community first and then find people through community for activities. Not that my autistic socially anxious homebody ass is likely to go do that, but it does make sense.

If you can't do a simple, low expectation, munch you can't possibly do a more involved event. Both require social skills.

Red flags flying.

In my estimation.

I understand that this mimics red flags and that's fair. I posted looking for similar experience and *tips or advice.* Are there ways to make the in person vetting experience less intimidating or more accessible?

One on one.. Coffee shop or doing something both like. Art, walk, anything vanilla?

Although I find one on one harder..

It's a shame it's come to this much vetting, but it has.

Online Munches & Meetings.

You can do whatever you like online, approach whomever you like, and you could luck out and connect with someone, but approach seasoned/experienced people, who may say happy to meet you at a munch, you start making excuses and they will walk, because most of us make the effort, even when its very, very hard. I have social anxiety, and I am autistic, and every event big or small is a serious effort, but its worth the effort, meeting people you can learn from, peer to peer teaching/learning, making friends, community leaders getting to know you, and being able to offer some references - eventually.

There may be spectrum people running events/munches who can, or have tailored things to make it easier, and coffee shop locations are less intimating than one at a dungeon, you can contact community groups and ask do they run neurodiverse events and queer ones. I know people, where I am, that do do this, so it might be the case where you are, but you will need to ask.

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I've rarely been to munches. All My partners, except one, I've met online first. We spoke for a "while" (it varies, but enough to have a vibe check and a general sense that you may be compatible), and then we'd meet in a low-stakes, public environment with the understanding that either party can bail if anything at all makes them uncomfortable. That's worked for Me for a long time. (That being said, it can still be challenging. Finding someone compatible, willing to meet, and who won't ghost you can be effortful and time consuming. I'd have dozens of conversations before meeting a potential partner.)

Sometimes I've also done the following when attending events, and I believe the same principle could work for more low stakes events, like munches. You can do one or both of the following:

1. Message the organizes of the munch/event. Hosts will tend to want their event to be a success, and will be quite welcoming and often happy to do things to make their guests more comfortable. Talk to them about the event, what to expect, what the rules are, and tell them that you find these things intimidating. It is not unheard of for a host to say something like, "just stick with me, and I'll introduce you to people as you are comfortable", or they may assign you someone who'd look out for you at the event. This alone does a lot to lower intimidation. Often it is the unknown we fear. We don't know what to expect, who we'll meet, what would happen, what the proper etiquette is, whether or not we'd feel out of place, etc. A conversation with the host or someone they assign can address all of that.

2. (It goes without saying that you should be respectful and obey norms and rules and all that before doing something like this. I'm not going to get into all that...) you can do a similar thing above with attendees. Sometimes events will have their rsvp list posted and you may be able to peruse attendees' profiles. Find some people on the list you think you'd get along with based on their profiles and shoot them a message. Say hey, I'm new to the scene, I'd like to attend an event that I see you plan on attending. I'm very intimidated by social situations and I was wondering if you could be a person of contact when I show up, just to have someone familiar there.

Obviously if they refuse you should accept it without fuss, argument, or ill feelings. And depending on context, you may probably check with the organizers first to see if messaging people on their rsvp list is ok.

And it's probably best that you do this with people you'd get along with as opposed to someone you may want to get involved in scenes with. It should be a friendly gesture. For example, female subs who want to be a part of the community and ultimately would like to find a Dom, would message other female subs that they think they'd get along with, get to know them a bit before attending, and perhaps plan to meet up at the event (or slightly before and attend the event together). Having someone at the event that you're already familiar with and comfortable with can do wonders.

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When it comes to being vetted to attend an event, I've never found that process itself to be intimidating. Usually it comes down to answering a bunch of questions, or having a conversation with one of the organizers which means you'd already have started on item 1 above. Perhaps you can describe a scenario that you found yourself in, or fear that you can find yourself in, and I can address that.