Need advice-Was I wrong?

Need advice-Was I wrong?

LittleMe​(sub female) • Aug 19, 2018

Hello. I have just started taking steps to find a Daddy Dom and recently started talking to a Man on a dating app after I stated in my profile what I was looking for. We spoke lots for a couple of days and seemed to share a lot of common interests kink and non kink. He then changed his profile to ‘D/s DD/lg’ so I gathered that he was now realising he can probably find more sub girls on the app if he stated it.

On the 3rd day he text me good morning, I replied and we exchanged 4 or 5 messages but I didn’t reply to his last message (it wasn’t a question) after 2 days I don’t hear from him so I send him a message apologising that I hadn’t replied and told him I had a lot in my mind the past few days regarding things we had spoken about. He ask me where was my mind now and I said in the same place as before. He told me that he wanted me to prove it to him by proving I am a naughty girl who is worthy of having a Daddy take care of her. He wanted me to send him a naked pic and show him how I tease my Daddy.

I didn’t feel comfortable with it and I told him so politely. I don’t know if that wasn’t very submissive of me to refuse but all of my instincts told me that this is a man I have known less than a week and haven’t met or even established any real relationship with yet. I know there’s lot of men out there pretending to be Doms just to get girls to do things like this and I told him so.

The conversation continued with him telling me that I had created a situation and he doesn’t know how he can trust me now if I will keep disappearing and I have to understand where he is coming from. I tried to reason with him and apologise for disappearing. He said it’s in my hands now to prove him wrong. In the end I told him that nothing had changed for me but we have to be in the same page going forward because I didn’t want to end up chasing someone who doesn’t want to be chased and I would let him decide what he wants to do about that.

I haven’t heard from him after that and I am not hopeful that I will. But I just want to know was I wrong in this situation? And is it a bad idea to use dating apps to find a Dom?

Performer​(dom male) • Aug 19, 2018

No and no.
There is nothing wrong with a person who identifies as a sub setting limits. As a matter of fact I would say that it's absolutely necessary in order to know if a Dom and sub are a good match. If I'm talking to a sub and they don't communicate those boundaries I ask. You were being responsible and building trust. Those are great things. Even in an established D/s relationships there is room for communication about comfort and limits. How the communication works depends on the dynamic and the individuals, but it's still important for there to be a way to address safety and health concerns even if there is an agreement for no limits.
There's also nothing wrong with using a dating app and if you aren't honest about what you're looking for you probably won't find it. It may not be the easiest way to find a Dom, but there's certainly nothing that you did wrong.
My two cents as a Daddy Dom.

Asteria​(neither female) • Aug 19, 2018

Using those apps is as good (or bad - depends on point of view) idea as using The Cage. People are people, if they want to lie and abuse, they're going to do that and a place is not going to make any difference.

Now, first of all, there is no such thing as "that wasn’t very submissive of me to refuse". You are not obliged to be submissive towards every single man who will come along. It is your and only your decision whether you want to share stuff like private details (or naked pictures). It is your decision, because in the end it is your privacy and your safety and that should be obvious and understandable for everyone.

The truth is, that his demand was one huge red flag. Something that should not happen at that early stage. Actually, the whole part "He told me that he wanted me to prove it to him by proving I am a naughty girl who is worthy of having a Daddy take care of her. He wanted me to send him a naked pic and show him how I tease my Daddy" is one big red flag. For heaven's sake, this is not even a red flag. That is actually a huge red lighthouse.
Also putting you in a position where you are supposed to feel guilty, because you created a certain situation and he does not know whether to trust you is nothing, but manipulation.

Now, I know all of this sounds harsh, but it amazes me constantly that some men really expect submissives to do such things. A naked picture to prove that a sub is honest? Seriously? What does that have to do with honesty? I am wondering what would he say if you'd ask him to give you his bank account details to prove his real and honest. Not quite appropriate, is it?

Listen to your gut. If something does not feel OK, then it probably isn't.

LittleMe​(sub female) • Aug 19, 2018

Thank you, your two cents is appreciated

And you think I was right to leave it to him to decide regarding going forward? I just didn’t feel there was much I could ‘prove’ without knowing he was still interested in pursuing something. Or do you think I could have done something different?

I don’t think I will let this dishearten me from using the app to find someone, I won’t hold any high hopes but I understand in any case it will likely take time to find the right person.

LittleMe​(sub female) • Aug 19, 2018

Everything you said is exactly what I was thinking. Red Flags and Manipulation.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Aug 19, 2018

Asteria has nailed it.

Anyone telling you are not sub enough, or not a real sub unless you do x, y or z is attempting to manipulate into doing something they want by making you question yourself. So called doms, masters, daddys etc have no claim or right to anything, and I mean anything until that has been clearly negotiated, agreed to and you must consent to that for anything to happen. Limits should be clearly stated by both parties and adhered to, respected and safe words set and always honoured and immediately its called, used.

My advice stand your ground, don't sell you or your submission cheaply and never ever do anything you feel off about, that is allowed and anyone telling you once you are 'theirs' or before that, you have no right to feeling off about their requests/demands, can't say no or use a safe word frankly does not care a jot about you and only about their wants. These people are dangerous, and should be avoided. Doesn't matter if you know someone a few weeks or many years, don't want to do it you should and can say no, always.

Nothing in this lifestyle locks anyone into having to do anything, no and I don't consent to that has the same weight and value in this world as it does in the vanilla life, so exercise those rights always. Don't want to do it, don't do it and do not feel bad you said no. If the other party throws a hissy fit or gets annoyed, does not seem to respect your choice, then walk and don't look back.

I think you have had a lucky escape and you did the right thing saying no.

ivyandtwine​(sub female) • Aug 19, 2018

Thanks for sharing your story! I've encountered situations like this one and over. Sometimes I bend and do things I immediately regret because of that "I *should" be submissive to them" mentality. Honestly, the biggest thing I'm working on right now is holding to my own limits without feeling guilty. I think it's important for us to do that though, if we ever hope to have something real and safe.

Don't feel guilty, love. You're doing the right thing.

A fellow student of this process,
Ivy

rosethorn​(sub female) • Aug 19, 2018

This is abusive... NO its red flag time... He HAS to EARN your submission, you protect it and take care of when you find your other half they will be glad you kept it safe for them xxxx

rosethorn​(sub female) • Aug 19, 2018

I always ask if they would be happy to do the same the other way around.. that will usually give you an indication they cant argue its you not being submissive then either. There needs to be a basic level of respect.

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Aug 19, 2018

First, loving all the good advice so far. Not much I can add to that.

Yes, I think you made the right call. Knowing what you know now, if he contacts you again, you can honestly say that you've heard from a lot of experienced BDSM folks about this, and his behaviors are red flags and manipulation. Tell him HE needs to prove to YOU that's he's not, and I think Rosethorn's suggestions are good karma there. Tell him to send nudes. If you're not impressed, tell him so.