Mentoring New subs

Mentoring New subs

wolfweyoun​(dom male) • Sep 17, 2018

In the short time that I have been a member of this site I have noticed a high number of newbie subs are finding their way here. Also a member of Fet, I was unaware that Caged existed until recently.

The first thing that struck me was the quality of the site members. There are so many fakes on Fet and collarspace that it is easy to become disillusioned with the scene and go offline in search of like minded deviants.

The challenge for new subs, who know that they are not satisfied with a vanilla existence anymore, is to find a genuine Dom who can guide them, nurture them and mentor them on their journey to the land of forbidden fruits.

Most genuine Doms already have subs, so how do these noobs find someone real to take them under their wing.

Simple. Post on the forum, post a blog, keep them regular, updated and original. Read blogs and forum posts, add comments, contribute and get active.

In the short time I have been on Caged, I have met some fantastic Doms and a few subs bu contributing this way.

It would be helpful for Doms who have time to look for subs to mentor, either online or in real life. Help them to discover their kinks, their limits, how they identify etc. I have mentored a few subs in the last few years, and it has always been a rewarding experience for both. The sub has direction, new skills, understands her place and identity and is ready to find her forever Dom. Two have gone on to create great lives with their Doms and that is a great reward for me.

New subs, find a Mentor Dom. Genuine Doms, take a new sub under your tutelage and guide them through the murky waters of BDSM with your wisdom and experience, sit back and watch her evolve.

All the best to all of you.

DrWakko • Sep 17, 2018

Mentoring comes from all sides. If you are a Dom most of your learning should come from other Doms or Tops. If you are a sub most of your mentors should be bottoms or subs. Mentors are like ice cream shops... dozens of flavors and you don't have to just pick one.

Learn as much as you can from as many as possible. If what they you here doesn't sound right question what they say. Research what they tell you. Don't take what you hear as gospel.

"New subs, find a Mentor Dom. Genuine Doms, take a new sub under your tutelage and guide them through the murky waters of BDSM with your wisdom and experience, sit back and watch her evolve." needs to be rewritten as this:

"New people, find Mentors. Genuine mentors, take new people under your tutelage and guide them through the murky waters of BDSM with your wisdom and experience, sit back and watch them evolve."

DW

dollMaker​(dom male) • Sep 17, 2018

Peer to peer mentoring is in my view preferable, sub to sub, Dom to Dom. So I would suggest that finding an experienced sub to mentor you if you are a sub is a better, safer proposition than a Dom, which is in my view more prone to abuse.

wolfweyoun​(dom male) • Sep 17, 2018

@dollmaker. Opinion noted, but I don’t agree. Thanks for your input though.

Kara​(sub female){Dark Roast} • Sep 17, 2018

Sorry, but in the earlier stages of discovery, mentors should be peers. Many newbies that I talk to ask about emotions or situations. I can answer honestly from similar experiences. They have someone who has been there.

Plus, as dM points out, mentoring can be abused. Very few Dom/mes can remain detached from a sub when feelings are so easily created. With a peer, that's easily never an option.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Sep 17, 2018

No surprise there.

A dom in my view can not help a submissive with their emotional and mental processing of their early experiences. A switch could, a dom cant unless they started out as a submissive and over time morphed into a dominant, something which can happen. Dom head space is very different to submissive headspace and how a non sub would process those experiences is of little value to someone who has nothing on which to base or process what they are feeling thinking.

I have felt various implements on me but I am not a sub so can only describe the feeling of the tool being used, thats it. The headspace a sub would find them self in as a result of that, or anything else I can not. I have never been a sub, so while I am well aware of the potential things a sub could feel, think, I can not give a first hand experience view, and that I feel limits my value as a mentor to any sub, male or female. However an experienced female or male submissive is ideally placed to give those insights, coping and processing strategies.

Very often the roles of Mentor, Protector are abused by so called dominants, male and female who jump on a newbie sub and use these roles to hood wink them into a very narrow view of what BDSM is, a view that is specific to that dominants outlook, and how damaging that will be will depend on how decent a human they are. All too often stories emerge of submissives who were abused while under Mentorship or while being Protected. In my view there should also never be play either in a Mentor, Protector situation.

A newbie submissive should go to workshops and events where such options exist to feel and see various types of toys and ideally the peer mentor go with them to help them process the feelings that such being used might create.

Aria is very right that keeping a Mentorship specifically that and nothing more is the ideal and best way in my view.

Others mileage will vary, but if any dom leaps on you as a newbie sub and tries to push Mentorship or Protectorship on you, is in my view more than likely aiming to try to use that as a way of getting in your knickers and as such does not have your best interests at heart. Be very careful and do not allow yourself to be pushed or manipulated into anything you are not comfortable with.

My views of course and others will more than likely disagree.

Re: Mentoring New subs

SevenSeven • Sep 17, 2018

I’m a new sub so maybe this is really simple but: mentor new subs in what? How? And why? I’m not trying to be rude, I don’t understand. How would a mentor dom help a new sub discover her kinks, test their limits and find out how she identifies?

Redtailedkitty • Sep 17, 2018

I tend to agree with Aria and doll on this. Sir would not want me mentored by another Dom because then I’m being trained to that person’s likes not his. However, I certainly seek out guidance from other Doms to seek understanding of what my Sir may be going through.

Mentoring outside of BDSM is, as far as I know, based on what you are seeking to learn from someone in that same position not the opposite position. Why would BDSM be any different?

I am going to learn way more about my role as a sub from other subs that I ever would from a Dom with no experience being a sub. And vice versa.

Just my thoughts.

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Sep 17, 2018

I'm gonna lean on BDSMwiki for this one.

"Mentor:
A mentor is a person who is considered a veteran in BDSM as a lifestyle, has agreed to take on the guidance (mentoring) of a Pupil into the lifestyle and has earned the trust of the pupil. The mentor will answer questions, help the pupil find resources, console them on possible internal struggles or give them resources for such help. A mentor will be sure to listen, understand and answer questions in regards to BDSM as well as help guide the pupil towards beneficial information and experiences.

Best Practices
A mentor ideally has a lot of real world experience with BDSM and can be an S-type or D-type though generally it is best to learn from someone who is walking a similar path to the pupil. The role of a mentor does not equate to being someone's Dominant or Submissive, Play partner, Trainer, or sex partner. It is important to determine that attaining one of these positions is not a hidden motive of a potential mentor as it is not entirely uncommon to have predatory individuals offer to mentor new explorers of BDSM as a ruse to gain access to the uneducated and vulnerable, so be sure the mentor you select is someone that you can trust not to take advantage of you."

From http://bdsmwiki.info/Mentor

That, basically. If you click through onto their link to trainer, it gets a little specific to Old Guard, but the mentor definition and best practices are universal enough.

For what it's worth, I don't 'mentor' nor do I consider myself one. It requires a lot of time and rules out other forms of relationship.

That's not to say I don't fulfill some or all of the definition to some folks at some time. I just don't consider myself worthy or committed enough to use the formal title. Something to aspire and work towards.

HisSecretSub​(sub female) • Sep 18, 2018

As a sub, the last place I would have ever thought to look for mentoring is from another Dom ... I have one of those already, why would I disrespect Sir by going to another man? I don't agree with that at all ... subs should stick together and mentor each other. We need to look out for each other - and trusting a Dom who isn't even hers to do that could potentially get a new sub in trouble because in the hands of the wrong one, that could be setting a new sub up for a long run of potential dangerous situations.