Let's slay some demons

This is week 1 I'll be speaking to a group of at risk or early stage women.

Hi my name Tee and I'm a survivor of many things but tonight I wanna talk about words. You remember the saying

"sticks n stones may break my bones but word can never hurt me?"

Idk who came up with that load of crap but they were wrong. Words not only hurt, they can scar, they linger sometimes never leaving etched into ur soul as truth. Words can kill they are some of the most lethal things we use. 

I was with ex #1 I call him B for 12 years. He verbally, mentally emotionally, n physically abuse me the 4 kids and even his own Mom. But tonight I'm gonna tell u the effects words have and the damage they cause. For years B talked to me like I was nothing. I was called fat, ugly, lazy,porkie, pig, whore, retard, useless, orphan, reject u name it I was called it. He was a twisted sort I trusted him confined in him and the man I loved use my past trauma to hurt me more. He would say things like I deserved to be raped, that my own Mom didn't want me cause I was adopted, that my first love committed suicide just to get away from me, that I was nothing but used goods so no man would want me. For years I heard how I was nothing that I'd always be nothing more than a shit stain, that I should kill myself cause my kids deserve better. He had me convinced I couldn't survive without so I stayed scared I would fail if I left. I stayed for my kids I stayed outta fear.0

No words can explain the actual physical pain his words caused at first. Like someone ripped my heart out the man I adored slowly chipped away. After awhile the pain turned to guilt that there's something wrong with me I need to be better. Then the struggle really hit. Have u ever had an argument with yourself? A battle of who I knew I was and who he told me I was. Then one day He just broke me. I literally laid on my bathroom floor  crying. Now imagine this battle I lay there holding 5 bottles of  pills trying to convince my own damn self I was none of that I had value purpose while my demons trying to convince me he was right. 

I was a literally fighting for my life.  

Then I thought of my kids. I begged myself for my own damn life cause with out me my children would be at the mercy of that monster. I begged my demons to compromise. Let me live for my kids but to end the hurt his words caused I had to accept his words as truth. I had no worth, no self esteem, no value I convinced myself I was nothing just to end the battle within n so my kids had a mother to protect them.

Words can literally destroy someone piece by piece. 

If ur one of the lucky ones that live the effects of being torn apart can last a lifetime. 

Free 10 yrs now n I still have days I have to remind myself he was wrong. Piece by piece I slowly rebuild by convincing myself I'm beautiful smart wanted needed loved that I'm worthy and I have purpose.

Your life has worth, meaning, value, purpose when someone tries to chip away at you and convince u otherwise end it don't wait don't second guess don't hesitate. Yes it's scary lonely and hard but I promise u will survive you will make it don't question your abilities There's resources to help reach out speak up. Don't wait til you break n have to battle ur own damn self to live.

Just let this sink in.

If a person truly loves you  you wouldn't be worthless you'd be priceless

Hiya guys 

Remember me? I know it's been forever. I owe yall an apology for completely ghosting like I did. I know it cause unnecessary worry n heartache to some as much as I cerished our relationships It was something I needed to do to cope n stay sane. I hope y'all understand.. Sooooo

After learning that a certain someone that we will not name *clears throat n coughs JACK* was banned I decided that I missed my gutter buddies and kinky family way too much not to come back just for the friendships and a place I can be free to me and be accepted. Better hide the glitter, paint, n baby oil and grab the ropes n paddles. Cause..

*Hits lights turns on disco ball n music and grabs jello shots gun*

I'm baaaaaaccccckkkk

I had a random Dom msg me with a response to my Skydiving. Normally I would not have not even read it but I did it was a simple response "You haven't realized that is what you enjoy about it? Scared and pleasure.... With so many levels from there. "  and it made me think i that it? Endless possibilities of getting that Rush. I thought what truly attracts me to being a sub. And it is the Rush. 

I made a bucket list after I was finally free of my 2nd abusive relationship. I wanted to live,to explore,  to learn, to feel and conquer my fears. I wanted to FLY. My list full of things I'm scared of doing. 

My grandmother taught me from a young age domestically a woman's place is to serve man, to do anything possible to make him happy he chose you. I experienced my first taste of BDSM at 16 and fell in love it. Submitting was in my blood I craved it. A tragic indecent caused my would be Dom to commit suicide.  I was lost scared alone and found comfort in my 1st ex. I brought up my desires and was met with distain. So I surpressed my wants needs, desires and fantasies.And now that I'm free what I once craved now terrifies me.  Like sky diving,  swimming with sharks, falling in love; submitting was secretly on my list the whole time. Something that now feared but I knew of the pleasure that lied within. Submitting had become a never ending Rush that I crave again.