Silent Observations

Ive always been an open person, fairly carefree and i still consider myself this way. So when i met someone who was more reserved than me i struggled with the concept that he wanted to keep some parts of his life private.

I dont require all the information on someone and i thought my questions where not that intrusive. I use them as a way to understand a persons background. Not to intentionally pry. He was gaurded and politely told me he was not comfortable at that stage to discuss certain things. I didn't know how to take it. I instantly took offence but wanted to continue our chat. I thought that he didnt like me. I see now how selfish i was in my thinking.

Now, even though i am an open person i will have more respect for privacy. That it is something to be earned. Because right now i appreciate his openness. Because i know i have earned it. It is not my right but my privilege to know these things. And i will honor the information entrusted to me. Not because it is a secret to hold but rather that it is just personal information that he CHOOSES to share.

I dont need to tell you my kinks, or my depest thoughts. I dont need to tell you my job, my name or what i look like. My family history or where i was born. But if i want to I may choose to..... and if i dont then that is up to me as well. Privacy is important. It keeps us safe.

Walking on the beach i cant help see the shimmer in the sand. Like little twinkling stars as the perfect mix of sunlight and ocean creates their reflection.

Once whole shells or coral. Beautiful and majestic. Colourful and harbouring of life. Now broken. Not only broken but shattered. Pumbled. Beaten and bruised. Yet even once reduced to its smallest of size it still shimmers. Still creates beauty. Supports the ocean in all its rage and can be found at its greatest depths. Sometimes it bands together with fellow grains of mixed shells and coral to form an island. A country. To creat a solitude for us who seek it.
Once whole and easy to collect in your pocket. And to rest nicely in your hand, now slips through your fingers and is almost unattainable. It comes in a mix of colours, sometimes rough other times so smooth it squeaks beneath your feet.

Mostly unnoticed by many who take advantage of its support and structure yet without it there is so much we would be missing.

Beautiful, shimmering, supportive, everlasting.

Yet can give you a rash and get stuck in your food.... and your undies ;)

Im choosing to create castles with my sand. Build walls to keep the harsh waves out who threaten my castle. I will keep rebuilding those walls until only the most mightiest of oceans can pull them down. And returns my sand to its greatest of depths and become one again

LITTLE STARGAZER - ERIN HANSON

Keep your chin up Little Stargazer
At worlds above our own
You are small you are stardust
But that's more than you've known
For every sun and every solar flare
Is made up just like you
And if they're cause for wonder
Then i promise you are too
Look out little stargazer
'Til nothing is left unseen
And know there's not a patch of sky
Where no-one elses eyes have been
That the darkness that enfolds you
Holds countless other starlit hearts
And with this you stand together
Though you live lifetimes apart
Be brave now little stargazer
The sky is growing light
And courage wanes like moonbeams
As it's pulled out from the night
But like those who gazed before you
know when your heart is full of fear
That it is always in your darkness
That the stars start to appear.

Ive spoken of this lost feeling before. This deep yerning inside. Im needing. Needing someone to trust and pull me out of myself. Im strong willed and independent but that driving force that makes me keep searching is a force i can not ignore. To wish to be ignited. It makes me mad when people assume that i am not submissive because i dont drop at their feet in our first conversation. I am a sexual submissive but only to a very special person. It does not pop its head up with just anyone. I get no pleasure from randomly playing with others. Infact that makes me worse. 

Im still trying to fill that whole that HE left. He pulled me out and made me want more. Made me beautifully vulnerable yet i felt safe all at once. The only way to move past it now is to replace it. But i cant help compare, which i know is totally not fair. I can not just switch off my head and my heart. For so long now i have tried to ignore that feeling of want and need. Needing to belong. To let my walls down which are becoming heavy because i built them so high.
Unknown to me the more i ignored it the stronger it grew till now it is bubbling up. But there is no release. Maybe my standards and desires are unreasonable. My past suggests no. The more i search the higher my walls go. So stop looking i hear you say... well i try. But im not made that way. Im made to be with someone. I told a friend recently that i don't need it but i want it. He disagrees with me and says that it is my need. And i cant help feel he is right. It doesn't mean that i need someone to make me happy or to make me whole. It is more that driving deep feeling.
My head keeps fighting my heart. Trying to play tricks on it. To make it say the things people tell me to. That i should be alone for a while. And i have..... but that is not what makes me happy. I need that mental stimulus that i can not acheive myself. This mind set has me acting not quite like myself. Not exactly sure what my point is. But if you got this far congratulations lol

Its a hot steamy night tonight. Humid. The air is thick. It makes my mind wander to more delicious thoughts. Sweat and moans. Rope and floggers. To be pushes till my legs are shaking and saturated and my mind is clear and calm. Where no thoughts enter. That blissful space were im floating above it all. When the thick air becomes too much and we move to the shower to cool and recharge. Reconnect. Soft touches and loving controlling kisses......

I had an experience yesterday. My parents had bought me a gift voucher for a magnesium float pod session. It is a pod you lay in with ears plugged and lights out so total sensory deprivation. It is supposed to put you into a highly meditate state as well as be beneficial for the muscles.

I spent the entire time bouncing off the walls and overall I didn't think very highly of it. But it made me think that it was a vanilla persons way of entering a light subspace. All it did for me was make me feel a little sickly and wish I had rather spent my time tied up in rope and blindfolded. 

I was telling this to my friends and I realized how much of a snobby bdsm dickhead I sounded like. Now don't get me wrong i have both a vanilla personality as well as a kink side. But they run together not separately. And I'm starting to hate the term "vanilla" basically because I feel like an idiot..... can we become so self involved that we loose some of the wonder and joy in non bdsm things..... have I become a kinky snob lol

Introverted me can be quite complicated sometimes. And I never know when she will pop in to say hello.

At work I have fun and joke around with my staff and managers. Yet at the same token I can push away friends who mean a great deal to me, simply because I need some space. Some me time. And I guess if I dont acheive that space then I start to kick till I become annoying and you leave me alone. Im not sure why I become so defensive especially to those who are close to me. And I don't know what causes it, I wish I did. I wish I could see when the dark clouds where crossing over so I could put out a storm warning. Im not a bitch. Im not a horrible person or really thay complicated. I just need my space......... I start to feel that I am relying on a friendship too much so I step back....... I become clingy so I step back.......... They become too attached so I step back.......... I just hope that when I find my "one" there is no need to run or shelter from the storm. I hope I dont push him away like I do the others. The lonelier I become the more I push. Its stupid really. I feel down or in a quiet mood yet inside I'm screaming for attention. But my actions speak opposite. I have no excuse or reason for my bratty behavior. It is not a joyful experience for me. So I stay in my place till I feel it subside and see who hung around waiting for me to come out. To see who understood me.

The words of this song speak to me today so I thought I'd share xxx

Florence and the Machine 

? All this and Heaven too 

********

And the heart is hard to translate
It has a language of it's own
It talks in tongues and quiet sighs 
And prayers and proclamations in the grand days 
Of great men and the smallest of gestures
In short shallow gasps

But with all my education
I can't seem to commend it
And the words are all escaping me
And coming back all damaged
And I would put them back in poetry
If I only knew how, I can't seem to understand it

And I would give all this and heaven too
I would give it all if only for a moment
That I could just understand 
The meaning of the word you see
'Cause I've been scrawling it forever
But it never makes sense to me at all

And it talks to me in tiptoes
And sings to me inside
It cries out in the darkest night
And breaks in the morning light

But with all my education
I can't seem to commend it
And the words are all escaping
And coming back all damaged
And I would put them back in poetry
If I only knew how I can't seem to understand it

And I would give all this and heaven too
I would give it all if only for a moment
That I could just understand 
The meaning of the word you see
'Cause I've been scrawling it forever
But it never makes sense to me at all

And I would give all this and heaven too
I would give it all if only for a moment
That I could just understand 
The meaning of the word you see
'Cause I've been scrawling it forever
But it never makes sense to me at all

No, words are a language
It doesn't deserve such treatment
And all my stumbling phrases
Never amounted to anything worth this feeling
All this heaven never could describe 
Such a feeling as I'm healing, words were never so useful
So I was screaming out a language 
That I never knew existed before