Silent Observations

Im 36, a mother of 2 beautiful children, i work and support us all. 

I thought having children made me a woman. Made me an adult. And kids do make you grow up fast. Not that i was immature but all of a sudden i had little people who relied on me for every simple thing. And i loved it. Now not so much lol trying to teach them to think, feel and do for themselves. But i digress.

I took a leap of faith last year. I left my partner of almost 18 years, because i realised that i was drowning there. Even though he tried to help me it just wasn't me anymore. And the thought of that scared the bejesus out of me. If i was not this person anymore who the hell was i? But i couldn't lie to not only him but myself anymore. So i left........ for the first time ever in my whole entire life i lived alone. They all said i couldn't do it. My ex, my parents. Yet here i am. Happier than i have been in years. Alone.

This time of my life was super stressful which im sure you can all appreciate or relate to. There was also other things going that added to the stress. And i lost who i was yet again. I stopped doing all the things i loved and just sat in my bubble and festered my self pitty and guilt. I was in shut down mode.

Fast forward a few months and i finally like a have more drive to pick back up my hobbies and love myself again. But i have realised something. I have never been given the chance to grow as a woman. To explore my femininity, my sexuality and to be ok with feeling desired. Ive never been ok with that. Rather sit in the crowd than be noticed. Stuck inside my shell.

Now i am being given the opportunity to do all that. Ive never had someone want me so much. And i dont mean just physically but everything. Mentally and emotionally. It brings tears to my eyes to think someone could want me so much and offer everything of themselves in return. Finally now i feel like i am becoming a woman. Well once i take that final step. Im scared shitless to take his waiting hand. Ive tried to trick myself and make excuses as to why i shouldn't go there. But everything inside of me is driving me, pushing me, wanting me to be happy and accept it. To let go. To become the woman i feel is waiting inside of me.
I worked through my guilt and i learnt its ok to want to be happy. To love myself and put myself first. It was hard and tbh im still working on it. And i did that by myself. But it is amazing to find someone who brings out sides of you who would otherwise stay locked away. Like a dirty little secret. But this secret is to be celebrated and magnified. To be continued......

Silent like the night. My Darkness takes hold. He wraps me up in confidence and desire. Like water, the Darkness finds its way in through the smallest of cracks. Getting through the walls.

Consuming them.

Seeking my light.

Im not scared of the Dark. It holds no monsters waiting to terrify me. Rather it is calming and serene. It covers all flaws until you are left with just you. To shine bright and true, impossible without the Dark.

Your voice reaches me in my lonely moments. If I feel insecure, like i want to run, searching for or an escape route. You tell me you beleive it is my desire, my need, my happiness.... and then you wait. You wait for me to analyze and process. You don't beg or demand that i stay. Like always you tell me it is my choice. Sitting silently, letting me work out my road blocks. Answering questions when asked.

Night is becoming my friend. It is all consuming. Watching where i place my next step so that i do not stumble and fall.

Desiring
So difficult when your single. Feeling switched on with no release. Because the release i desire has so many elements its crazy. I want to be taken out of my mind, my body pushed to exhaustion and then kissed and adored after. To know i am wanted, adored, safe, loved and cherished. Like so many of us i know here crave.

"Im scared" i said

He smiled and says "I know"

Star "What if i can not give you everything you desire. What happens if i get to a point i can not go any further. You want so much from me. You want ALL of me."

Dark "I do...... but it is a progression.
Everything I’ve said, deep down I believe you want it.
You are super cautious.
Reason cause if you give yourself to that level, you are scared if it ended how it would leave you emotionally and mentally.
That is your roadblock.
I have always said i will never push or force you, this is to come from you. From your desire. I want you to come to me at your pace"

Star "Yes that is true. I am scared of being hurt of letting go."

Dark "That’s what I love about you
Your heart is pure
Your desire is pure
Your submission is pure."

I keep resisting him. I dont know why. Because its real i guess. He never asks of sexual things from me. Never asks for any indecent images. He wants my mind and my heart. Nobody speaks to me like he does. Nobody gets me so well like he does. Nobody scares me like he does.

He accepts all of me. My flaws, my shyness, my kids, my bad jokes. I tell him that Stars shine brightest in the Dark. He smiles and says i will shine so brightly for him. I will be meeting my Dark after Christmas. It has been months in the making. And he has filled my mind today.

I thought for once i would share some good rather than deep and confused thoughts. I feel i have already made my decision. But i am waiting for my mind to analyze and accept it. To be a slave to the Darkness.

TO BE CONTINUED...........

Im starting to get used to this little lul moments i have. Where i feel like retracting from open communication and just stick to the basics. Walls go up and i become defensive. I think my mind does this as i am still to this day doing things to please others. Its draining. And im talking about submission. I'm talking of ex's, parents and "friends". But it is me who suffers. It makes me feel like im incapable and doubt that i want this lifestyle. But as i confided in someone recently he noted that is what a Master is for. I have a mother hen complex where i try and shelter, help and encourage others where i can. But i struggle to accept the same type of help. Being stubborn and proud.

That is what a Master is for......... to take that burden off of my shoulders. To listen. To encourage. To guide. But how do i let them do that when i struggle to hand over the reins. Trust and time i guess are the answers. All i know is i dont want to keep being someones emotional and mental play toy when i dont give them the permission too. That has been my week so far. I dont want my kids to miss out on things so instead of fighting i just do it. I hate that my father is silent about anything that is important to me, accept to voice his disapproval of my choices..... and i hate that i still care. Having a not too close friend burst into tears in front of me because he has no one and wants to put me in his will!!!! No wonder it is too much for my brain right now. No wonder when i speak to a prospective Master i shut down. I want his comfort but then at the same time find it annoying. People say i need time. I dont think time fixes these things. They will always be here and so will my doubts. What i need is a new perspective and maybe an armoury of tactics to help me push through. Cause half the time i feel like giving it all up. Everything is getting so busy now i can't wait for the next few weeks to be done with. Im not even looking forward to Christmas although im trying. I think next christmas will just be a holiday away wirh my kids. A little place we can escape to. Next year may not be brighter BUT it will be whatever make of it. And THAT i am looking forward to. Each little baby step i get stronger.

Writing here helps me. Unfortunately i tend to only do it when things are not going my way lol.  Anyway.....

We push on, we conquer then we set a new task for ourselves and thats all i can do. 

I will start this blog with a disclaimer. These are just my thoughts. There is nothing right or wrong just simple discussion. I realize that this may be a hard thought for some people. Being a Slave. But i am speaking here of a Consensual Slave. Im talking of TPE (Total Power Exchange) and i am not here to make anybody uncomfortable. If you know these topics are not for you that is fine but please stop reading right here......

Ive been fairly certain of my position and where i stand in submission for a little while now. When i found a blog written by a submissive i immediately identified with her. With her thoughts and feelings. So i started to venture out of my vanilla world and attached that label wearing it proudly over my heart. I am a submissive.

After a little time I felt the need to go a step further. So i self branded myself with a professional tattoo forever known as Star. It was a symbol to myself. And a little freedom for me. I kept venturing deeper. I made connections with people who opened up my world both online and in real life. Each showing me different parts of myself. Each cementing that i made the right choice.

So when you are challanged as to what you think you are. What if someone sees something in you that you never thought about, never realised was there. I met someone a little while ago who pointed out my Little tendencies. Yet i never thought of myself that way. He directed me to read different articles to see how i identified and felt with the words of someone more knowledgeable. It was comforting to find other like minded people and have that side of me brought out.

Right now i am going through something similar. But i am struggling with it. Not because i don't see the elements being brought to my attention, more because i never saw myself as a slave. The title has a stigma with me which is stupid i know. I am a whole hearter person, i love to care for others i always have. I used to call it my mother hen complex lol. I am also needy and have a rather high expectation of my dominant. That he is as needy as me. I crave attention. I want a deep deep connection and upmost i desire honesty and openness.

I love that BDSM is forever changing. Challenging me. Both mentally and emotionally. Making me strive to be better. So right now i am reading and chatting where i can. Asking questions and testing waters. Because the truth is that although i have a stigma about the title, all the other elements seem to fit.

Natural service submissive, i crave control, protocol and connection. I wish for as close to 24/7 as possible. Complete acceptance of me and who i am. To be given the safe space to be open and explore without fear of retribution, ridicule or physical harm. I wish to give myself completely and be owned by someone who deeply understands me. TPE but without the micromanagement..... i have met a few doms locally who all struggle with the elements that i need... not want but need.... but now i have found someone who wants all of that plus more. Who wants it all. Not demanding but rather that i offer it. That i come to him with all of me, naturally. He knows my struggles and is waiting patiently for me to explore the idea, digest it and ask questions.

If i wish to continue I am to come to him formally and ask him to accept me. To start slow and build over time. But to be given the platform to freely explore and let go. To fill not only his needs but my own. My needs to serve and his to give me that control. To find where our dynamic sits and how it fits. And i think that is the key. Whatever title you wish to place on it, it is about finding that dynamic that works for you two. And really as long as it is SSC, openly discussed prior, it really doesn't matter what the outside world believes. Even that of the BDSM community that you reside in. Now im not talking about abandoning all your piers and their opinions, because most im sure would simply be concerned for physical and mental safety. What i mean is not letting other people ideas of what a relationship should be to determine your own. Many have told me what i desire is not plausible. I think it is more that it makes them uncomfortable but not me.

The parts that are more extreme frighten me a little but i know that with time, trust and love that i am capable of anything. I should be screaming and running for the hills. But instead im reading, researching and playing with the idea in my head. Questions Questions and more Questions. Is it possible that my preconceived ideas are wrong. The things that scare me also turn me on. I feel the trembles in my heart and the excitement in my stomach. And that is all i know.

After all a title is only truely that..... a title....... it means only what i want it to.

The allure of someone new. Its exciting. The flirting. The banter. Slowly entwining into their lives. Learning their routine, asking about their day. They start to creep their way into your mind. So that they start to consume your thoughts. It's intoxicating. How dare you make me smile randomly through my day. To know i am being thought of. That he wishes for me to give him everything. Slowly. And willingly. Like enticing me out of my cave with crumbs. Making me open up. He wants me hungry for him. To crave him. For him to be under my skin and then ask for more.....

Slowly and cautiously I dip my toe in. The water is clear and warm. I see the beast calling me in from its depths. To swim with him in its sparkling lusciousness. 

For now im happy just getting my feet wet. Im happy playing in the shallows..... until he pulls me deeper

I know my last blog post was not so positive but I am in a better headspace now. Sometimes I need to fall on my face to see what I have and to determine my path.
In doing so I hope to become a little stronger each time. To come out more determined and I realised a few things while I was in my dark place.

1. Im not a horrible person for going after my own happiness. I will not take on the guilt of other peoples actions and make them my own. I did not break what was already cracked.

2. As a friend said to me - It's ok to want what I want. This might seem like a simple thing but it really did bring it home for me. Even in my submission it is ok for me to want a certain partner. Its ok for me to be a bit different. Accepting that what I WANT is actually ok was a big deal. Yes I am picky. Yes I want more than what many others want. But I lived in the shadows of someone elses desires for so long I did not break free to compromise again.

3. I am stronger than what I give myself credit for. Ive been told I'm stubborn as if that was a negative thing. That my actions in my vanilla life dont indicate I'm submissive. Well to those I say that's just because they are not strong enough for me. And yes I am determined, stubborn and strong willed when you push elements that are deeply important to me. So I choose to use these elements as my strengths. Only then will I find the stronger to hold them.

4. I deserve better. I deserve the life that i want and there is nothing wrong with that.

Im a strong believer in learning from my mistakes and yes i make a few. But i am only human. Learning to accept and let go is my next path for myself. I choose to not be a victim of my circumstances anymore. Things are not perfect. I am not perfect. But im choosing to try to find the good from every day.

Sending much thoughtful love.
Star

When your heart is aching but your head says it is for the better.

Logically I know that people change, situations change and life moves along never standing still. Yet I wish I could go back to when it was more simple and I thought I was happy. I say thought, because I had a deep desire that I hid. I managed it in different ways. And I thought that I was happy. I thought I was in control.

Now my heart is heavy but not because it wants to return to that place, more because it does not feel like it has a home and it sees the broken pieces it made in its adventure to depart.

I did the wrong thing. I was not truthful to anyone including myself. I didn't lie but I also didn't tell. It would be easier if he were mad at me, but he's not. Instead he cares for me and offers support. Tells me I'm wanted and loved. Gives me kisses on my head and drops flowers at my door. I dont deserve that kindness and because he is not angry with me, I beat myself up instead. And I feel that might be worse. He's killing me with kindness and im drowning in guilt. I pick myself back up and im good for a while, until the waves take out my legs from underneath me and I tumble in the depths. Its a cycle I dont know how to break and unfortunately one I know I must do myself.

Today I'm writing for myself. To be truthful to myself. To get these words out of my head. To try and stop pulling myself apart. Im not seeking your sorrow or support. It will only push my head back under. But if you have advice on how to pick myself up I will listen. This has been for me more of a realisation post and im sorry its not a happier note. But I am realizing this is a heart breaking process I must go through. 

You wish to control me. For me to submit my body and my mind to you. To let you in so deep.....

I want you to need me. I want you to learn every little part of me, what makes me tick, how i like my tea, to know my body and push it to places it desires.

You want me to submit to you....... well first you need to show me you are worth submitting to. Will you make me crave you. Your touch. Your voice. Your strength...... will you capture my mind. Will you show me that you are worthy. Because i dont just drop my walls for anybody. Be thirsty for me. Crave me. This feeling can not be one sided. It needs to attract like a magnet from all angles.

It doesn't work if you're aggressive. It doesn't work if you're cocky as f#$k and think i should bask in your awesomeness.

You know what works.... honesty, kindness, respectful nature to not only me but the people around you. How can you expect me to submit when you can not even control yourself. I dont want a show pony. I want a work horse. One who works hard and has pride.

So you want me to submit to you....... i know my worth........ the question is do you?