Silent Observations

For many years I did intence exercise. I loved the feeling of pushing my body to the limits and if at the end I wasn't a complete mess of sweat, sometimes blood and nearly tears I hadn't given my all. There were times when I pushed so hard I spewed and other times when workouts reduced me to tears and I was a crying mess. My friends thought it strange of me to be in love with something so full on. They didn't understand the desire I had to push myself. I didn't care if my hands would rip on the bar, if I had brusses on my legs or if I had skin grazes on my collar bones. I also loved to encourage others to do so and to be apart of a like minded community. We all banded under the fact that we were all a little crazy and we liked it. The harder or crazier the workout the better. It would always start with "Oh crap they can't be serious, they want us to do what?" And by the end of the explanation and warm up your mind would switch to beast mode. "Im going to own this bitch!!!!"

I became addicted. I took part in local competitions, I studied and became a couch and I loved it. The more I learned and hurt the better. You got used to hurting everyday. It was only the different levels on different days.

Now I haven't been in that environment for nearly 2 years since having my second child. Only because I haven't had the time or the money NOT because the desire to be pushed wasn't there. Now is it strange that my interest in submission and desire for light to mild pain started growing a year ago... maybe a little longer. It makes me wonder if it all releases the same endorphins into my blood stream. Everything I loved about my fitness back then I also am finding here. Granted it is not as intense because I have literally just started this discovery. But it has had me thinking. The pain, the mental growth, the banding of community, the desire to push more to want more is all there. To reduce myself until I am bare. Hungry and eager.
The more I look back on my life the more I see parts of me trying to express and escape the holds the world had put on me. I can now say I am happy to he listening to myself rather than conforming to what I had been led to believe is right. One size does not fit all and I am ok with that . Even if this shit scares the hell out of me sometimes lol

We all strive for it. Between work, life and love (& play). When they are all functioning properly it can be like a beautiful orchestra. But I hate how when just one element has a hiccup it can ruin the entire song.

Found myself singing this song over and over in my head for the last few days. 

I don't care about the size of your bank account or your snake. I enjoy honest, open, witty conversations. If you can't hold a decent conversation and only interested in my dirty mind then I'm not for you.

Genuine people only please.

Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can ?

I would normally say I am a patient person. I'm a mother and I work in customer service (enough said).

So why is it so hard to wait for his message, to long for that little green light to flash on my phone. To tell me I am being thought about. Sometimes I think it would be easier to disconnect from the world for a day or two. But then I realise that I crave that contact, that connection. Then I feel stupid and needy. It's a never ending battle especially if I don't keep myself busy.

My mind can often be my worst enemy. Even worse when it doesn't let me sleep. Think I will go bury myself in creative drawing and painting today and see what this sleep deprived mind and contact craving heart can come up with.

Sometimes I'm scared I share too much. I know that's the point of being a sub. But it opens you up to possible pain. Is it strange that it is easier for me to share my body than it is my mind? My deeper thoughts that are only reserved for me.

Body YES

Desires YES

Deep thoughts HELL NO.

If I let them out I can not take them back. I have been encouraged to share to not hold back but that little voice in my head says "what if". I hate that little voice. That demon of doubt. He stops me from accomplishing so much sometimes. I know though within myself that if I unlock that little box burried inside that it will be hard to close should I need to. That is the part that scares me the most. It will either build me up or bring me crashing down...... So I guess the point is. I want to share. He wants to know. So why is it so bloody hard. I will continue to trust my gutt until it tells me I'm ready. Until that voice is stopped and I can take a leap.

Congratulations!

Today is your day.

You're off to Great Places!

You're off and away!

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left

The naked body is a beautiful thing. I love drawing it and appreciate all forms of it. All forms that is apparently except for my own.

I would have never before thought that I had any body issues but after having children that has slightly changed. Things are saggy and stripped. Don't get me wrong I love my children and I marvel at how amazing a womans body is for what it can achieve. My stripes don't actually bother me I wear them with pride as I know woman who would die to have them but unfortunately can not.

But when being asked to bare myself, to strip and present, it challenges me deeply. Trying to be graceful when I totally am not lol.

Sir is very encouraging and fills me with praise. I only hope that the more I am asked to do this the more comfortable I become with myself.

It's all about accepting, challenging, growing and flourishing