I love being in love. Its so addictive and I openly give love to men so easily. I dont mean sex I mean love. Men are beautiful creatures, I absolutely adore you. Yes they can be frustrating as hell and sometimes stupid 😜. But generally I love the safety of a mans love, his embrace, his strength, direction, his ability to make decisions based of logic rather than emotion. I was brought up surrounded by boys and became a tomboy myself. I was always welcomed into mens groups, often recognized as one of their own. As an adult I stepped ever so slowly into the feminine roll and now Im seeking to completely embrace her.
The thing is I like myself this way. I like giving so much. I love being open, soft, emotional and honest. I have a big heart and I just want to share it. Funny though that for some people it is too much. They have openly told me so. That I love too deeply, fall to hard. It scares them and they often dont know what to do with it all. As a consequence I seem to have a soft spot for men who struggle to accept they are worthy of it. They are often strong and confident in many other aspects of themselves and their lives. Extremely masculine which I looooove. Yes I get hurt. But I would rather be who I am than try and control and restrict my emotions (like I have done in my past).
However I have realised that by being so blinded by my desire to be loved, that I look for fault within myself as a form of self sabotage. I give out so much and accept so little. Like im waiting fir them to wake up and see me in a different light. So it is like I date a mirror. I find people who are passionate and considerate, who give me the attention I desire and adoration but neither one of us beleive we are worthy of it. Not deep down. Which in turn means we talk ourselves out of it. Like a warped, twisted circle. So to break the cycle I must first love myself much much more than what I have been (and I honestly thought I was in love with myself).
I need to be brutally honest with myself.
Spend time with myself.
If I dont like the things I see, then change them till I do. For me and for no one else. So that when HE comes along I can proudly say this is me, here I am with no fear.
I read something a few weeks ago which I knew was important so I kept a record. Now that I have had my realisation these words seem extremely relevant.
"So let's say you meet somebody and you look up to them, and you admire them and you're attracted to them. And you're too humble to admit that what you see in them is inside you. You assume that they have something you don't. You disown what you see in them, you deflect it and you in a sense dismember it from your mind. In the process of doing that you put them on a pedestal, you put yourself in a pit. You exaggerate them towards an expansion, and you minimise yourself towards a contraction."
"The moment that you have a conscious and unconscious split you devide your mind from one to many and dissempower yourself.
You put your personas on which are masks. The pride mask or your shame mask. This isn't you this is the false you, the facades that you cover your body and mind with. The moment you do that you just empower yourself because you're dissowning parts of that. The truth is you have everything. You're both Hero and Villain you're both saint and sinner. You have both vice and virtue. So putting people up or down instead of putting them in your heart is a dissempowering act."
"So by using the law of one and the many, you're going in there and you're owning the parts, whatever you perceive in them. You're not above or below people. You now have equanimity and objectivity.You're seeing things for the whole and not the part, and your re-empowered and youve extracted from your misperception. A fuel of opportunity to go do something and transcend what you were judging. When you do you now function from a higher level of performance, a transcendent state instead of an imminently emotional state." ~ Dr John Demartini