Why is it so difficult to display true genuine emotions. Sadness, anger, heart felt love for those closest to you. When was the last time you told your friends you appreciate them. Telling them how much they mean to you, that it brings you to tears.
Or the last time you opened up to someone to tell them your feeling scared, alone and vulnerable. Instead of responding saying Im ok, when you're clearly not.
Why do we instantly think that being open will mean we are not accepted. That our scars will scare the people we hold closest away.
Maybe its from past experiences.
Maybe its of fear of being truely seen.
Either way cracking that facade hurts. I know that. It shakes you to the core. Especially when our fears of rejection DONT come true. What do we do now? It makes me wonder. When it hurts to open more but you can't stop the flood. Learning to trust the supports around you, is still something I am learning to do. Learning that I dont have to do it all, all the time. That its ok to be human. To fail. To feel. To cry. To love and to fall. To be a tornado or to be a calm sea.
Personally I find the longer periods I have between my downward spirals the stronger they seem to appear. They drag me deeper, I feel them more intensely and the recovery takes longer.
Im trying to teach myself that emotions are not negative. They are the flashing lights on my dash board telling me that a service is required. My engine is out of order and not functioning properly. But I'm still constantly and probably always, learning what tools help me run more smoothly.
Right now I feel broken hearted and I have no idea why. My anxiety is through the roof making me want to disappear from everything known to me..... just for a while. My self expectations are high, almost so high I cant reach. I know that nothing worth getting is ever easy so I keep trying....... but maybe I need to learn to have moments of nothingness....... moments of silence and appreciation...... my mantra is "Infinite love and gratitude" but that has been a bit lost of late and replaced with rushing, compacting responsibilities and surviving..... but not living and not loving of my feminine heart. So first I must breath, then the rest will follow.....
❤⭐
