Adventures and Explorations

Last night, while I was super tired before my head hit the pillow, I couldn't fall asleep and composed this really awesome blog in my head. ...and of course, now I can't remember the half of it. 😜 This probably won't be as good, but it will suffice as to where I'm at in this moment.

In the past 9 months of this journey, I have come such a long way.

I've found my tribe - the place I can truly be myself in all my aspects.

I've made some lovely friends. I've met some of them IRL, an experience that is beyond words, and hope to meet more of my tribemates in the future.

I've played in ways I've never gotten to before. And yeah, there is this whole online vs RL debate, but for me, it's all real, just utilizing different platforms. The feels are real. If you interact with me, you get what you get whether it is here or IRL. No difference.

I've fallen in love when I least expected it and harder than I ever have. I've also fallen at a much slower pace and in a completely different way.

I've had my heart broken. Smashed to pieces....but even in that heartbreak, I learned. I grew.

I've been stretched and pulled and pried open in ways I couldn't imagine. All growth opportunities. Lessons learned.

Awhile back, I replied to a bog by Lil Red about being Needy.

Being needy is often seen in a negative way, as does being greedy. I think I've come to terms with it within myself. And am realizing that it is okay to have this high level of need. What may be unfair is to expect it all to be met from one source. From my time being a wife, mother, being in a D/s and my experiences here on the Cage...I've accepted that it is OKAY to have needs and to be needy. However, due to that high level, instead of thinking/feeling that my partners are less than for not meeting my needs or that they don't love me enough OR that there is something wrong with me for needing so much....I just have to find the "right" family that helps support it all.

I think that is the biggest lesson of all that I have embraced. Accepting all my various "sides", different aspects of my personality and submission, and being okay with the needs of all of them. No longer being hard on myself for having this level of need that just seems ridiculously impossible at times...well, trying to not be so hard on myself.

The next part of my journey is finding those missing puzzle pieces.

I've found five of them so far.

The primary piece outside of myself, is my Sir who is also my husband and the love of my life. He is my core. My center. 25 years of a shared life.

The second are my girls. My babies. The two little beings that have kept me going when I felt like giving up on this life.

The third piece was found and lost. It shattered into a million pieces and left a gaping hole that has overshadowed me these last 6 months. It is not to be replaced, but maybe it will be healed in time.

Another was a mere possibility that never came into being.

And one has been a lovely journey. This piece...she’s a part of me now. We’ve helped each other grow, love, break down walls (or bring them tumbling down and set on fire 😉 and taught each other how to open up and to have patience.

The next steps are daunting. Overwhelming, in fact. Downright terrifying, if I'm completely honest.

Where does this path lead? How will I get to where I'm going? Who will I meet? Will I find my pieces to make my puzzle complete?

*shrugs*

Time will tell...

As I sit here, trying to make sense of where I'm at, where I want to be and how it get from here to there....

Confused, torn, alone inside my head. The worse place of all to be. Tearing myself apart from the inside out.

This song plays and I remember when I joined this journey and the Cage, how this song fit that moment.

Heathens
TWENTY ØNE PILØTS

All my friends are heathens, take it slow
Wait for them to ask you who you know
Please don't make any sudden moves
You don't know the half of the abuse
All my friends are heathens, take it slow
Wait for them to ask you who you know
Please don't make any sudden moves
You don't know the half of the abuse

Welcome to the room of people
Who have rooms of people that they loved one day
Docked away
Just because we check the guns at the door
Doesn't mean our brains will change from hand grenades
You're lovin' on the psychopath sitting next to you
You're lovin' on the murderer sitting next to you
You'll think, "How'd I get here, sitting next to you?"
But after all I've said, please don't forget

All my friends are heathens, take it slow
Wait for them to ask you who you know
Please don't make any sudden moves
You don't know the half of the abuse

We don't deal with outsiders very well
They say newcomers have a certain smell
Yeah, I trust issues, not to mention
They say they can smell your intentions
You're lovin' on the freakshow sitting next to you
You'll have some weird people sitting next to you
You'll think "How did I get here, sitting next to you?"
But after all I've said, please don't forget
(Watch it, watch it)

All my friends are heathens, take it slow
Wait for them to ask you who you know
Please don't make any sudden moves
You don't know the half of the abuse

All my friends are heathens, take it slow
(Watch it)
Wait for them to ask you who you know
(Watch it)
All my friends are heathens, take it slow
(Watch it)
Wait for them to ask you who you know
(Watch it)

Why'd you come, you knew you should have stayed
(It's blasphemy)
I tried to warn you just to stay away
And now they're outside ready to bust
It looks like you might be one of us

It’s been a long time in the making. Something I should have done quite some time ago. I’m taking a break my friends. I need to create some spaciousness and redirect my focus. 

I love you my friends. 

Side note: 

Can you even fire yourself?! 🤣

Those that know me well, know that I'm a words girl. Words give me all the feels. They motivate me. They lift me up and bring me down. A well placed word will melt me like butter. A poorly timed word, will set me off in a panic, rage, puddle of sadness.

Words of Affirmation is my love language. I get high off praise. It makes me want to do more, be better, give you the shirt off my back, bend over backwards....kneel at your feet.

I'm not always the best at choosing the "right" words all the time and at times I get wrapped up in the day-to-day that I get lazy and don't express myself in those words that I, myself, cherish so much.

A dear friend shared this song with me this morning. Now I'm listening to it on repeat. Makes me smile...big ol' smile.

And timely reminder to express myself to the ones that mean the most. And to choose those words with care.

"The Difference"

I'm tired of sleeping on us
I'm over dodging this crush
I'm sick of waiting 10 minutes just to text you back
So you don't get to thinkin' that I'm too attached
I'm more than benefit friends
I'm more than just a weekend binge
I want you to be my hottie riding shottie, I don't want nobody's body but your body, babe
All I'm tryna say is

There's a difference between "miss ya" and "I miss your face"
And there's a difference in "What's going on?" and "Baby, how was your day?"
Yeah, there's a hell of a difference in saying three words or kinda just meaning two
And there's a difference in "Love ya" and "I love you"
And I wanna be the difference, yeah I do

I wanna be the difference between "Hey, what's up?' and "What are we gonna do tonight?"
Between "Yeah, she's cool, we hang out sometimes" and "That girl right there, she's mine"
Between leading ya on and holdin' your hand
Sittin' it out and "Girl, let's dance"
Between playing it safe and taking the chance
Yeah, pumpin' the brakes and hittin' the gas

There's a difference between "miss ya" and "I miss your face"
And there's a difference in "What's going on?" and "Baby, how was your day?"
Yeah, there's a hell of a difference in saying three words or kinda just meaning two
And there's a difference in "Love ya" and "I love you"

And I wanna be the difference, close the distance
And be that puzzle piece you didn't even know you was missing baby
Ohh, I wanna be the difference, yeah I do

There's a difference between "miss ya" and "I miss your face"
And there's a difference in "What's going on?" and "Baby, how was your day?"
Yeah, there's a hell of a difference in saying three words or kinda just meaning two
And there's a difference in "Love ya" and "I love you"
And I wanna be the difference, oh yeah
I wanna be the difference
I wanna be the difference

In chat just a few minutes ago Centipede brought up that we are all Japanese teacups. I had no clue what he meant and he brought up the art of Kintsugi. Which reminded me of this wonderful video.

Be proud of your scars...it's what makes you who you are...and you are beautiful.

Have you ever heard of Kintsugi? It's beautiful. When the Japanese mend broken objects, they fill them in with gold. They believe when something has suffered damage and has a history, it becomes more beautiful.

Looking at your scars in this way is a wonderful way of looking at life. Be proud of who you are and wear your scars proudly, they can and will make you stronger!

An album I listened to A LOT at a teen. Calmed the rage.

So many thoughts and feelings. Many of them good....some painful but leading to something better.

Listening to music this morning and this song really touched me on a number of levels:

Johnny Cash - Hurt

So many beautiful, wonderful things the mind can conjure. And it is equally horrifying how something/someone can instantly trigger it to spin out of control.

....always seem to fray

I sneak under the covers and wrap myself around you. Slowly rubbing my hand across your chest, taking a finger and circling first one nipple then the other, then moving my hand slowly up to the side of your face, running my fingers through your hair, and gently massaging your scalp.

I gently slide my hand back down your face....your neck...your chest. Working my way further down, I run my hand over your hip, down towards your inner thigh, running my fingertips back up, grazing your balls ever so gently. Rubbing my hand across your belly, grazing the root of your hardening cock,  I wrap my leg around yours, pulling it closer and snuggling my head deeper into your shoulder.

Gliding my hand down again, I run my fingertips over your balls, feeling them move underneath. I cup them in my hand and gently squeeze and tug downwards, then using my index finger and thumb, I tug on the skin below your cock between your balls and pull outwards, squeezing the skin between my fingers.

I move my index finger downward and stroke the skin just under your balls, moving it in a slow circular motion. Trailing my fingers back up and rubbing your balls as I pass, I run my fingers up your now rock hard cock.  Feeling it pulse beneath my fingers, I run my index fingers around and around the tip, smiling from ear to ear each time your cock bounces from my touch.

Wrapping my hand around your straining cock, I start to glide it down the shaft...slow, so very slow, then just as slow coming back up and applying gentle pressure, a moan escapes my lips… oh how I love how you feel and respond. It makes me so happy and so very very wet.

Moving my hand faster, more firmly now; gliding up and down, over and over. Keeping a rapid pace, I nibble on your nipple, tugging and sucking.  Looking down, I see drops forming at the tip of your cock and I can no longer resist, I have to taste you.

I shift downwards on the bed and lick the drops off the tip as I keep stroking you.  Moaning, I take the tip of you into my mouth and suck hard, while keeping up the rapid stroking of my hand. I groan against you, lifting up slightly on my side as I replace my hand with my mouth, encasing you in the warmth and wetness within.

Now that my hand is free, I move it downwards to cup and squeeze your balls as I suck you, tugging downward as I move my mouth to your tip. Squeezing as I take all of your cock, I slam your cock into the back of my throat. I start to grind my hips against your thigh... sucking you turns me on so much.

I keep sucking, getting wetter as you get harder. I can taste the sweetness of your pre-cum, making me moan low and deep.  You start to thrust your hips. You can no longer resist moving, and you are getting close. You grab my hair in your hand and force my head down harder on your cock.

I squeeze your balls harder, groaning and gagging, starting to feel my own release approaching. You buck hard...once, twice… then on the third thrust, you hold my head down hard as you release your cum deep into my throat. I shudder with pleasure, my wet pussy spasming in time with your cock cumming in my mouth.

You release my head, and I resume my motion up and down your cock, slower now.

I hear a low rumbled laugh;

Mmmmmm, greedy for every last drop aren't you?