I have experienced some wonderful things here. At one time I considered this a home. A tribe. Too many negative experiences have tarnished that feeling. Today....I’m done. I have never experienced something so betraying or violating.
A private conversation was screenshot from another platform and was shared on here via a link to another public platform. My words and my face were used without my consent.
I have been very careful to only share my face with those I trust. That has been violated.
Shame on me for thinking sharing in a private group was safe. Shame on them for thinking sharing private conversations, names and images without consent is okay.
While the blog with the link was removed and the screenshots taken down (from the reports or the person remains to be seen), the damage is done.
I have wondered why I continue to stay here. I rarely participate. Now...I think it’s time to move on.
To add insult to injury, I’m to blame for refusing to choose sides of two people I cared about, that I caused the fallout. Because I chose not to participate in childish behavior, it’s my fault. Just wow.
No one deserves to be treated this way from either side.
After a pain-filled day (picture a migraine but instead of your head it is your body), followed by a necessary, stressful, heart-wrenching conversation last night, I didn’t sleep very well. I expected to because of the pain meds and my mind racing didn’t help.
But waking to a dream that strikes at one of my worst fears/insecurities with a strange morbid ending was not nice.
My Sir stood before me, an emotionless look in his eyes and coldly stated that I was not his fantasy. I felt my insides shrivel and my eyes well with tears. Before I could say a word I found myself lying down...being encased alive in doll-making liquid. As each layer hardened, more was applied until I was no more. A block of nothingness.
Not being able to forget it and it playing into the feelings brought out by the conversation the night before, had the makings for a pretty miserable morning.
I felt unworthy, unattractive, unwanted, ugly...lost, helpless, alone...Then the rage came out of nowhere, seething just below the surface. No real reason for it other than perhaps I’m reaching my threshold of bad things that can happen at once without losing my shit.
I’m learning to recognize these feelings. I needed to release it but was not in a position to. Not safely.
So, I shut down. Withdrew. Tried to distract myself with work.
You see, I’m a verbal venter. I don’t keep my feelings inside typically. But when the rage is there, I’ve learned venting is not useful. It just encourages it. It lashes out at anything in reach. Burns out of control. Destroying everything in its path. And once it cools...I’m left replaying its path of destruction over and over in my head. Berating, punishing, loathing myself and what I have done. I am left exhausted, raw, physically ill and just want to crawl into a hole, curl in a ball and sob myself to sleep.
I’m grateful I have learned to recognize this and being able to put a halt to the “death spiral” before it takes hold.
Over the course of the day, the rage has cooled, but my mind is still gun-shy of the process of pulling apart all the thoughts and emotions and facing them, feeling them, validating them and then filing them away as lessons learned.
Slowly it begins. A thought flitters here...then there. I’m continuing to distract my mind with inane things so that it can continue to do its thing.
It's funny how songs that are so fitting always pop up when I need them. Maybe not the entire lyric but enough of it. Whatever you want by P!nk came on during my shower earlier after a major blowout with Sir.
I'm scared....terrified really.
Will we survive this time around?
We've made it this far, so I am trying to assume yes. No one can predict the future. And no one can can fix things for you. It's a lot of work and time and energy.
But sometimes....life just stacks the odds to high against you. Just keeps throwing more and more obstacles in your way. LIke you're being set up to fail while she sits back and laughs.
Life...think she's a sadistic bitch and frankly I'm tired of her mind fucks.
But it's always darkest before the light
And just like that we come alive
--Kitty (Collared....for now)
"Whatever You Want" bye P!nk
Okay (So)
Running like a dog Fighting like a bitch too much And you just can't stand it, baby Even when I fall You don't seem to give two shits 'Cause you're just too cool, baby We could have it all Neither one of us would budge 'Cause we can't be wrong, baby Folding up your arms, closing up your heart
I know, I know, I know you think it's me 'Cause I want it all No I know, I know, I know, I know you see Do we gotta talk No you know, you know, you know you must believe Or fall apart
I feel like our ship's going down tonight But it's always darkest before the light And that's enough for me to try Whatever you want Whatever you need Whatever you do, ah-ah-ah Even if I say that it's over now Even if we want to move on somehow And just like that we come alive Whatever you want Whatever you need Whatever you do, ah-ah-ah
Trying to get a breath Thinkin' 'bout the time you said that I was your heart, baby Trying to understand how a grown man goes on without a body part, baby I could walk away I could always cash my chips and I'd be okay, baby I would be okay, and you might be okay
Oh, I know, I know, I know you think it's me 'Cause you want it all I know, I know, I know, I know you see That we gotta talk No you know, you know, you know you must believe You're enough for me
I feel like our ship's going down tonight But it's always darkest before the light And that's enough for me to try Whatever you want Whatever you need Whatever you do, ah-ah-ah Even if I say that it's over now Even if we want to move on somehow And just like that we come alive Whatever you want Whatever you need Whatever you do
Whoever said that love was sweet (Drank a little too much whiskey, baby) Whoever said that life was easy (Never lived anywhere near me) I wouldn't change a thing 'Cause you're the one I wanna sink with
I feel like our ship's going down tonight But it's always darkest before the light And that's enough
Even if I say that it's over now Even if we want to move on somehow And just like that we come alive Whatever you want Whatever you need Whatever you do, ah-ah-ah Whatever you want Whatever you need Whatever you do, oh-oh-oh Whatever you want Whatever you need Whatever you do, ah-ah-ah Whatever you want Whatever you need Whatever you do, oh-oh-oh
Last night Sir and I attended our first local munch. We didn't know a person there. A member of the group had reached out to me prior to the event, kind of as a “welcome wagon”, which was a nice touch.
Sir was excited to go, I was too. I was worried if I was gonna make it with these migraines I've been having but I was bound and determined to go no matter what because Sir doesn't get excited about much. LOL
I got nervous on the way over, but the anxiety was manageable. There were sooooo many people in the back room. 5 times more than in the entire joint. People looked but no one said anything. I think one person said hi. I kept pushing through the room, making a beeline for the girl with pink hair - the welcome wagon.
Most everyone already had seats and you could tell that it was broken down by who knew who at one end or the other. There were just two seats remaining together at the main table. I was relieved because I didn't want to sit off to the side by ourselves - kind of defeats the purpose of mingling, ya know?
A few members came over and introduced themselves. They seemed to be the core part of the group, the longest, most active. Sir and I eventually introduced ourselves or were introduced to the people around us but for the most part talked just the two of us...until after dinner. We had a a few nice conversations. Then one of the guys across from us, "invited" us to meet some others, after my saying the hard part for me is getting up and mingling.
I'm glad we did, I met one man that was super nice, can tell he's been around the community a very long time. He no longer identifies as Dom, simply Sadist. He offered his brain for picking and I've heard his parties are phenomenal and open to anyone. I'm looking forward to attending some and getting to watch and learn....and maybe play. ;)
The group itself is a great mix. Mostly our age, but some younger, some older. All levels of experience and types of BDSM being practiced. Really looking forward to learning more about all of them.
I was nervous we might know people there. There was one woman that looked familiar and she kept looking at me. And then one guy came in, never met him or learned his name, but I swear he was someone we knew. Time will tell. Does it really matter? No, not in the long run. At this point in time, as I told those I met last night, we avoided this group because of its proximity to our home and lack of activity. But mostly the former. However, I reached my "I don't give a fuck" point. I am who I am and all the better if I meet others that neither of us knew what the other was into, right?!
Sir and I repeatedly said last night that we have got to find some more babysitters so that we can go to some of these events that aren't so close to home and/or that are longer in length.
Thinking back over the evening, it was mostly surface level conversation as you might expect. However, one interesting tidbit that I found myself laughing to myself over this morning...When I was talking to the one guy - the Sadist - when he found out we were in the lifestyle as a D/s couple he asked which side of the / I was on. Interesting question since I had my collar on. I said I am the sub. He simply looked at me and looked at Sir, who was talking to someone else at the moment. I smiled and said I have a dominant personality (he smirked slightly) but no longer want the control. He nodded and said he would have thought I was a switch. Hmmmmmm. Truly interesting to see how the in-person community views my personality. LOL
Of course, I never did fit in a box and this pretty much confirms it. :)
Soooooo looking forward to future events to attend!
If you haven't attended your first munch...get out there. It is totally worth it. If you feel like you've found a home here on The Cage since joining because of the community feel and being part of a tribe the "gets you", but are scared of going out to meet people in-person. Trust me...it is worth the anxiety and fear. Get out there. Having that tribal/community feel in-person is AMAZING!
I'm struggling. Everyday. With my insecurities, with my submission, with staying on task, with my body and it's limitations. Constantly a war inside my head. Over and Over. When Sir has the time and isn't sleep deprived, he can pull me out of it. But that is too few and far between. I want out of my own head. It feels like it is a prison. There are good days and even good parts of days. The logical part of my brain knows that this all takes time and that I need to have patience with myself, with Sir. And to give myself grace of forgiveness when it gets out of my control. My emotional mind doesn't want to listen, obey.
Crawling in my skin These wounds, they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface Consuming, confusing This lack of self control I fear is never ending Controlling I can't seem To find myself again My walls are closing in (Without a sense of confidence I'm convinced That there's just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way before So insecure
Crawling in my skin These wounds, they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real
Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me Distracting, reacting Against my will I stand beside my own reflection It's haunting how I can't seem
To find myself again My walls are closing in (Without a sense of confidence I'm convinced That there's just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way before So insecure
Crawling in my skin These wounds, they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real
Crawling in my skin These wounds, they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing, confusing what is real
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface Consuming (confusing what is real) This lack of self control I fear is never ending Controlling (confusing what is real)
Something takes a part of me Something lost and never seen Every time I start to believe Something's raped and taken from me from me Life's gotta always be messing with me (You wanna see the light) Can't they chill and let me be free (So do I) Can't I take away all this pain (You wanna see the light) I try to every night, all in vain, in vain
Sometimes I cannot take this place Sometimes it's my life I can't taste Sometimes I cannot feel my face You'll never see me fall from grace
Something takes a part of me You and I were meant to be A cheap fuck for me to lay Something takes a part of me Feeling like a freak on a leash (You wanna see the light) Feeling like I have no release (So do I) How many times have I felt diseased (You wanna see the light) Nothing in my life is free, is free
Sometimes I cannot take this place Sometimes it's my life I can't taste Sometimes I cannot feel my face You'll never see me fall from grace
Something takes a part of me You and I were meant to be A cheap fuck for me to lay Something takes a part of me
Boom na da noom na na nema Da boom na da noom na namena Da boom na ba noom na namena Da boom na da noom na namena Da boom na ba noom na namena Da boom na da noom na namena Da boom na ba noom na namena Da boom na da noom na namena Da boom na ba noom na namena Da boom na da noom na namena Da boom na ba noom na namena Da boom na da noom na namena Go!
So fight! Something on the dum na ema Fight, sometimes they fight So! Something on the, dum na ema Fight, somethings they fight Fight! Something on the, dum na ema No, somethings they fight Fight! Something on the, dum na ema Buy, somethings they fight
Something takes a part of me You and I were meant to be A cheap fuck for me to lay Something takes a part of me
When you asked me out nearly 25 years ago, I was not quite 16 years old. And in all of my almost-16 year old wisdom, I mentally gave us 2 weeks...3 weeks tops.
On this day, 21 years ago, we said "I do." We agreed to be there for each other no matter what. The good and that bad. Sickness and in health. To death do us part.
And that we have done. It's been an amazing, wonderful, painful, heartbreaking, breathtaking, loving, rocky, and then some 21 years.
Since we met you took on the role of my caretaker. Looking after me in a way that no one else ever had. And I am forever grateful.
We have been through so much. I sometimes do not know how we survived. How I survived. Why on earth you are still here...
And then I look at you....
My rock.
The center of my universe.
My caretaker.
My other half.
I still remember that day, so long ago, that our best friend said (more or less, cuz ya know....memory is not so great anymore!) on our own, each of us is a wonderful human being to know in our own right, but put us within proximity of each other and it's like we become even better versions of ourselves. We become whole. More complete.
I do not think I will ever forget those words.
I feel those words to my core.
I know I can do this life on my own, but with you nearby it makes it all easier.
You are an amazing father to our girls, our family. You may not think so. You may not see it. But you work your tail off every day at a job you hate for us. You take care of all of us before yourself. Always making sure we have what we need. You may not get to spend a lot of quality time with them, but you are always there when they need you.
A year ago, we weren't in such a great place. We were falling apart. Distant. Communication had broken down.
We left for our 20-year anniversary weekend not knowing if we were leaving that meadow house a married couple or heading for divorce.
Not only did we reinforce the commitment to our marriage, but we embarked on this new journey of Dominance and submission, of Sadism and masochism.
This new branch in our life and reinvigorated us in so many ways.
It reopened the doors of communication, split them wide open. I think we talk more now than we ever have. Learning what we truly want and need. Exploring the most fulfilling ways to meet those needs.
Nearly 25 years ago, I said yes to my boyfriend. 21 years ago, I said yes to my husband. The love of my life. 14 years ago, you became the father of our children. 1 year ago, you became my Sir.
I love you more than words can ever express....luckily your love language is Acts of Service then, eh?
I look forward to serving you, showing you, how much you mean to me for the remainder of our lives.
I cannot take this anymore I'm saying everything I've said before All these words they make no sense I find bliss in ignorance Less I hear the less you'll say But you'll find that out anyway Just like before
Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe 'Cause I'm one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break
I find the answers aren't so clear Wish I could find a way to disappear All these thoughts they make no sense I find bliss in ignorance Nothing seems to go away Over and over again Just like before
Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe 'Cause I'm one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break
Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe 'Cause I'm one step closer to the edge And I'm about to, break
Shut up when I'm talking to you Shut up, shut up, shut up Shut up when I'm talking to you Shut up, shut up, shut up Shut up, I'm about to break!
Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe 'Cause I'm one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break
Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe 'Cause I'm one step closer to the edge And I'm about to, break
