Adventures and Explorations

I am still insatiable, yet content.

I have the same desires; always wanting to be touched, held, complimented, brought to orgasm after orgasm. To feel you inside me, to please you, to be wanted and needed.

I am still insatiable...yet it no longer carries the same feelings of lack.

I have found a sort of peace, a tranquility I have not felt before.

I say ‘a sort of peace’ because there is still much work to do. This is just the beginning.

Instead of waiting, begging, sulking and angry, I now look for ways to please, to tease, to talk.

It’s no longer about the end game — release — it’s how I get there.

I thought that when I became a submissive and gave up control, my responsibilities would lessen. I found the opposite to be true.

While I have more responsibilities: finding all the little ways to please, being aware of how my behavior reflects on my partners, self-care and self love...the pleasure it brings allows it to not feel like a burden.

I am still insatiable…but the weight I carry on my shoulders no longer feels as oppressive as it once did.

I have my Sir - my soulmate, my love, my rock, my home. And I have my Bear (Fudbar) - my Protector, my confidant, the healer of my Spirit. I’m a very lucky girl.

I am still insatiable AND I am content.

Damned if you, damned if you don't...

I want to stay. I love my new-found tribe. I don’t want to lose that or give in to the bullies. 

I want to make this a better place for all of us. So that no one feels they have to leave because of the drama, the bullies. 

I am wary, but I am hopeful. 

Please forgive my moodiness and insecurity. 

Thank you for my loves and my friends that are helping me through.

For showing your love and support. 

You have no idea how much it means to me. 

Just when you think it is all coming together...maybe it really isn't...

I feel too much.

I want too much.

I NEED too much.

I'm happy and I'm tortured at the same time.

I doubt.

Maybe I'm not cut out for any of this.

I'm trapped.

It's not looking like this is in the cards for me.

Embarking on a new adventure is not for the weak of heart...or mind for that matter.

Before I left for a work event a few weeks ago, I was drifting away from the Cage and the craziness of RL, D/s seemed to be fading out at home too. I felt depleted and sad. So I focused on work.

Something happened while I was out in Cali. I'm not sure exactly what but a shift happened. I have been way more energized than I have been in a long time. I brushed it off at first...manic episode perhaps? But it persisted...and persisted.

I started slowly coming back into chat. Everyone missed me and wondering if I was okay. It was heartwarming...I had come back home.

An awkward incident in a chat one night brought about another shift. I made a connection with someone. Someone I was not seeking. Was not expecting. A dom. A male. Seriously? A sub female would have caused a lot less waves. LOL But you can't control who fate puts in your path.

It went deep...fast. But then that is me. I always run head first down the rabbit hole.

I'm embarking on a hybrid poly relationship. Correct terminology? Probably not, but it's how I describe it. :P

Full disclosure on all sides.

It has been only a few days, but in those few days so much has happened. It's been a roller coaster ride (no shit sherlock!). I'm facing things I have avoided for years/decades. I'm doing things I have never done before and while scary...shit, who am I kidding...down right fucking terrifying at times, it is bringing me that much closer to home.

I feel lighter.

I feel freer.

I. am. ME.

Having a great day! Stressful, but good. Productive. And bit by bit things start sliding in to upset the balance. And by end of day, the mind is spinning out of control everywhere. Grasping at the positive to be swallowed whole by the negative. Breathe. Let go....Too many minds.

When you are surrounded by so many others....so many voices and you feel alone. Unheard. Just another body occupying space...watching the world go on without you.

Something occurred in chat this morning and it has me thinking... It did not feel good. In fact, it shut me down. In the moment I felt like I was put in my place...and maybe rightfully so. But it continues to bother me.

And so I'm thinking on it. Mulling it over. Analysing. Am I overreacting? Being too sensitive? I don't know. Reading too much into it? Again, I don't know.

We are all in different stages of this LS - committed, established RL relationships, long distance and online. Some are searching, some just beginning. Some see each other every day and some not at all.

We all struggle and have our issues.

Up until today, I felt comfortable expressing my own concerns, issues, fears, worries and musings.

Now....I feel I have to take into account who is in the room. Are they in similar circumstances as I am or will I offend them or make them feel bad...or mad...because of my own circumstances.

I do not like these thoughts or feelings. It's too much like anywhere else. That I have to monitor what I share because I cannot be my true self. It does not feel like the inclusive atmosphere it once was.

I will continue to ponder and sit on these thoughts and see where they take me.

Good morning Cage!

We are drawing up our "contract"/Guidelines/Protocols and we are running into a stumbling block for punishments for rule breaking.

I'm a masochist and so far, we haven't found an implement that I truly despise and doesn't at some point turn me on. LOL I'm thinking that the intent behind the spanking could possibly be effective. Sir is not so sure. Thoughts?

We have come up with non-physical punishments and maybe that is all we need....

If physcial (i.e. spaning, lashes), which would most likely would not be able to being given at the time of the infraction unless children are not home, is it a cummulative amount of lashes or per infraction broken?

Obviously the final decision lies with what we agree to...Just curious what others do. 

First up: Thud with a whiff of "what the hell, man?!" 

This definitely is an apt description. However, didn't leave the marks Sir wanted. Gonna have to get the Mother Fucker next time. 😄 LOL

Forgot to add the other toy we tried out today: Japanese Nipple clamps:

...and he says there's another surprise coming tomorrow!!

4 Japanese Clover Clamps, 1 set with a chain, the other set that weights or rope can be attached!

a remote vibe

Delron Cane with 5 stays - "thuddy with a whiff of 'What the hell man?!'"