We've all done it. Felt uneasy about a person (or situation) - something that was said, or an action that seemed odd, out of place or out of character. Maybe it was something they didn’t do or say. Perhaps their words were not matching their actions, stories too good to be true, or holes in the stories.
Did you listen to what your gut was telling you? Or did you explain it away, rationalize it, give them the benefit of the doubt.
Your gut is trying to tell you something is wrong and you need to learn to listen to it and walk away from the situation before someone (usually you) gets hurt.
Learn to trust yourself.
How many times have you had those feelings, seen those red flags and ignored them? Of those times that you’ve ignored them, how often has it bit you in the ass? I’m going to hazard a guess that more often than not, if not *every single time*, it has.
This sucks in vanilla life whether it be in our jobs, our family or dating. Add in BDSM and some real harm can happen - both mentally and physically.
When you are talking with a potential partner - doesn’t matter what side of the slash they are on - and you are getting a funny feeling, you can give them the benefit of the doubt. It may very well be a misunderstanding, a miscommunication, but don’t let it slide. Share your concerns. If they are worth trusting, they will respond without getting defensive. They will care more about your concerns than their ego.
If they get upset (i.e. why don’t you trust me? I would never do such a thing? I’m not THAT kind of Dom(me)/sub) that can be yet another red flag. They are more concerned with their image than you feeling secure.
Listen to yourself. *Trust in yourself more than a stranger.*
Don’t rationalize it away.
For example, I met up with someone and some things that were said and done didn’t match up with what I read on their profile. It also didn’t match up with how an experienced ethical person in the community would act. But instead of listening to my gut, I rationalized that the person liked mental sadism and they were just testing my reactions - a mind fuck, if you will. And me, being me, I gave them the benefit of the doubt. We set up another meeting a few days later - this time in private.
The days in between, I had time to process the initial meetup and the red flags kept going off. I talked to my therapist. She challenged me to listen to my gut - to not rationalize it away (a bad habit I have). Others were also seeing the same flags I was. In the end, I decided to test the person. I asked to meet in a public place first. Guess what, they got defensive and called it off saying they would look elsewhere.
In the end, I listened to my gut. I kept myself safe.
Sometimes, we don’t see red flags early on or the person is really good at hiding the bad behind the facade they show the world. When you start to see things that don’t line up, holes in their stories, actions don’t match what they are saying. Pay attention. Listen to yourself. Question things. But if the red flags keep piling up, it’s time to consider seeking out a professional if the other person is willing. If they aren’t willing to work it out, it’s time to consider walking away. You can’t fix them.
Here’s an example. I met a “Dom” we hit it off right away. I tend to trust people from the start and jumped head first down the rabbit hole. Sadly, there were a lot of red flags from the get go, but as I mentioned before, I tend to rationalize. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, way more than I should have.
As time went on, I couldn’t ignore the fact that he made me feel like shit all the time. That the stories he told were too good to be true. I was starting to poke holes in his stories. Things weren’t adding up. And when I would go to him with my concerns, he would spin it around and I would fall back into line. It was toxic. Abusive.
I got very lucky. When I started uncovering the truth bit by bit, he bailed before I could walk away on my own. In hindsight, I could not believe I allowed myself to ignore all the signs. To allow someone to abuse me the way he did.
Pay attention to your gut. Listen closely to what it is trying to tell you. It has your best interests at heart. It’s telling you that the person in front of you is not a match for you. You deserve better. Walk away and keep looking for the one that doesn’t have red flags.
Oh...and listen to your trusted friends...and your therapist. LOL They can often see what we can’t when we are wrapped up in the excitement. Chances are you won’t believe them in that moment but keep it in the back of your mind. Because in the end, what they told you is gonna back up what your gut has been trying to tell you and help you make the decisions you need to.
