UPDATE at the end to clarify that I know I'm not to blame for his behavior and what my goal is with this post.
I woke up this morning to 7 sexually assaulting messages via DM by someone who had insulted me a few months ago and I had subsequently blocked another platform and my phone but apparently neglected to on another app. Out of the blue he reached out to me (and yes, I know I should not have engaged in the conversation and just blocked - I'm still asking myself why I did not).
During the brief exchange last night, he apologized for what he had said previously, saying he hadn't meant to hurt my feelings. Still, I wanted to know why he was contacting me. He knew he was blocked on the other platforms. He indicating he just was there for dialogue.
But then the sexual insinuations started and I reiterated that we are not compatible based on both what he had told me previously and my own thoughts on the matter. Again asked why he was contacting me. And again I should have blocked.
Then the dick pic came - supposedly as an enticement to what I would "love". At that point I ignored him and got distracted by a conversation by a friend that needed support. I should have blocked him before going to bed. I did not.
If the messages I had received this morning were sent after negotiation, discussion of limits and enthusiastic consent it could have been perfectly fine. But nowhere in our previous conversations had I indicated I was into those things, in fact...the opposite. In other words, he used my limits against me. So not only did he send unsolicited, non-consenual messages, he violated my limits on several levels. Limits I have for very specific reasons - they trigger my c-PTSD.
I am not responsible for his behavior, but I am responsible for not blocking him. I'm now stuck fighting off painful emotions and flashbacks because I did trust myself. I didn't listen to my gut. I allowed this person to violate me.
Why? Why would I risk that knowing this person was not a good person? This will be the focus of my therapy session today no doubt.
Remember my post on trust your gut? Yeah...do that. Don't wait for them to abuse you...cut the connection. They are not worth the damage they will cause.
I know I'm not at fault for his behavior. But that I'm more trying to understand WHY I didn't block him. Why I allowed it to continue. The thought was in my mind - just block him. Don't engage. Yet I didn't. What is it in us that allows abuse to continue? I can understand the complexities to leave when you live the person. It's rarely simple to just walk away. I even had an acquaintance ask how an online relationship can be abusive (per previous blog on listening to your gut) when you can simply block and move on. I explained then that it's the mental connection that leads to the abuse and makes it just as hard to walk away. But this...was someone I'd already blocked and barely knew. No relationship existed. So why did I not just block and move on??? This is the lesson I need to learn so that I do not repeat it. My guess is it stems from the trigger. Something I'm letting go to the back of my mind to process for a while on it's own and see what comes back.
