My entire adult life I been battling three basic demons that have been repressing me sexually.
One the fact I was raised Roman Catholic under the Church going so far as to being in religious institutions of instruction.
The Church made it quite clear any thoughts or sex acts outside of marriage and procreation were not only sinful but condemn the soul. Infact I was taught as a child being born isn't a beautiful act but the culmination of original sin and we must have a baptism immediately to protect the child from being contaminated.
Two as stated even though I was AFAB I am intersex and my family tried to raise me male and had given me medication to attempt to transtion me while not even explaining what was going on or why they were so abusive and dismissive of my natural female development.
Three having been sexually abused by men for my female body was in some ways the last straw. I felt sex and my body was just disgusting and traumatic and I didn't want anyone or anything to interact with me going forward.
These three barriers have finally all fallen!
Religion fell long ago, I view myself as a secular atheist I stopped buying the religious bullshit first in my teens I had serious doubts and by my early 20's it was over I was no longer a practicing Catholic.
Then the other two barriers took longer and both actually finally fell this year.
The second accepting that I'm AFAB and my body is going to have female wants and needs and it is my duty to respond to those needs instead of punishing myself was an actual time and a half to come to grips on.
I had internalized disgust and judgement from my family and society that views females as weaker pathetic and of second class status. The fact that I even wanted to be fucked to be the so called "bitch" as an innate desire was so upsetting to contemplate.
Just think some of the worst and most demeaning insults cocksucker, cunt, get fucked, whore, slut, pussy. It goes on why did I naturally at times desire to be in such a position and then I realized oh its an innate thing and what people are doing is making value judgements based on a sexist society and I am no different.
So the most radical feminist thing I could ever do isn't buring a bra its embodying my womanhood and loving it!
There's nothing wrong with a woman wanting sex enjoying sex or seeking healthy sexual relationships so why continue to repress myself from being who and what I naturally am?
Ok that was two issues sorted now I am at the third barrier for me this issue is still a work in progress.
I do not plan to nor want to have sex with men but toys including a sex machine sure women with strap ons no problem self masturbating its All clear.
Thus my own real sexual barrier that exists is a man trying to have vaginal sex with me due to my discomfort from being sexually abused and to be frank that limitation isn't a big deal for me seeing as I perfer women anyway and I have no psychology interest beyond the human maybe it might be nice sorta theory to attempt it.
My life is gonna be just fine if I never have a another penis inside me aside from the sexual abusers of my past. Maybe if there was a man I loved Id attempt to work on it but so far no male has surfaced in my life worthy of such mental energy to overcome my apprehensive feelings towards pentration sex with males.
The next blog I write will be about me using a sex machine for the first time and breaking the final chains to my sexuality.
