How I Became IceGirl
In 1993 or 1994, Blockbuster hosted the video game World Championships. Like many young adults, teens, and other pre-teens, I wanted to test myself to see if I was the best.
I was excited to go into my local store. The names of competitors were up on a board of the contests. Little did I know that in a moment I was going to become IceGirl for the very first time.
My mother, who was almost never supportive of my hobbies unless she could market them for money in some way (sold my drawings), didn’t mind this time. My mom wasn’t against this as harmless fun – until I had to give a gamer handle. After my mother turned in the form, the employee asked me what my game name was and pointed to the sign where everyone had a gamer name in quotes. I was young and, it being the early ‘90s, “online” didn't exist yet for me, so I had no idea I would need a distinct name.
Panic set in; I didn't have a name to say. The first thoughts that came to me were the call signs from the movie “Top Gun.” I was just standing there spacing out. The store clerk prompted me again, and I looked over at my mother getting impatient with me.
My mother jerked at my coat because she was being embarrassed. She said, “Pick something NOW!” I said as a reflex “IceGirl,” which came from “Iceman,” my favorite character from the movie.
I wanted to be like him – cool, collected, intimidating. I wanted to strike at my competition with intensity and a passion for excellence through precision. My mom shrieked, “YOU’VE GOT TO BE JOKING.” She turned to the clerk in a sweat. “Don’t put that down. That’s not it.”
At the time, I didn’t know I had an intersex condition that ultimately would force me into a female puberty and body to survive.
Sadly, it was common at the time for doctors to encourage parents to reinforce gender norms after they operated on intersex children, and my mom was using medical intervention to try and masculinize me.
But it wasn’t taking well. Most people who looked at me assumed I was a Transman, even though the term wasn’t popularized as it is now. In high school, it was common enough for people to ask me in a cruel way what my gender was. When your body didn’t match the gender you were presenting in the ‘90s and early ‘00s, the other kids were just vicious.
My mom always hated when I showed any sort of gender noncompliance, so not having a masculine gamertag enraged her. She shook me and asked me, “Why in the hell would you say that – as a joke?” I looked at her and said, “Kids make fun of me for being a girl, so if I wanna compete at my best, I need to put it out front and center that, yeah, I am feminine and you’re about to get beaten by IceGirl. So what?”
The male clerk then squashed my mom’s objection, saying, “No one cares that your child is going by IceGirl.” He continued, “I even play a female wizard in my RPG. What matters is he has fun.” My mom, pressured by his reasoning, decided to let it be, and for the first time, my name of IceGirl was written anywhere.
When we got home, she glared at me and said, “Ok, so you wanted to pull this faggy, odd stuff and make me look like a bad parent? If you don’t win, I’m gonna ground you for the rest of the year.” Well, I didn’t want any smut on my name, so I got to it.
The games that my store was competing on were some sort of Mario, Sonic, a racing game, and Street Fighter II.
I already loved Sonic and racing games, so it didn’t take much to get those skills solid as hell. But the Mario game and Street Fighter weren’t my jam. I trained with those day and night.
Finally, my day came, and for the first time, IceGirl competed. I was one of the top in my store, and I had the fastest racing time. I made it to compete at the district level. Now, it wasn’t just going to be me doing things in a store and having my times compared.
I was going head-to-head with others – and in front of many people. I was this little pipsqueak, but I didn’t feel intimidated; I just wanted to take them down.
I won the racing section again, which caused people to lose their minds. How could this bizarre, wannabe-girl/weirdo kid be the best at racing games? What most people don’t realize is that you can memorize the perfect pattern in racing games, and once you get a vibe for it, you just repeat the motions, making no decisions.
Years of studying a musical instrument gave me the skillset to perfect the lines, and I was able to smoke my competition.
Then came Sonic and Mario, which I was decent at. Yet the final game – Street Fighter II – ended IceGirl’s run at the district level. I had practiced the game with a Sega Genesis controller, but at this level it was being played on a Super Nintendo.
At my store, maybe it was fine and I could do ok, but at district, the players were so much better, they just roughed up my Blanka like I wasn’t even there. I could barely move; they were all over me, chaining combos.
These people were way more advanced. I was the worst one there by far, and I was in tears, getting mauled over and over. They were naturally better at fighting games, they had trained on the right controller, they also were older – the deficits were too great. But I didn’t run off the stage. I took it and was mocked over and over.
When it was over and my mom saw me crying, she said, “Well, at least now you can retire that stupid name, and I won’t need to punish you since your humiliation and failure is punishment enough.”
I’ve had this name for 30 years of my life as my handle and, I’m proud to say, it has won many online competitions in video games, including Hearthstone – even at the world level – and Heroes of the Storm (former Blizzard fan girl). I know in many ways I am not a girl anymore (age wise), but heck, at the time I picked my handle, I didn’t even know I was biologically female at all, so despite the fact it may not be age-appropriate anymore, I am not about to abandon it.