Ice Girl's public thoughts.

Emily Armstrong is a plague upon Linkin park

Content warning ⚠️ Talking about suicide

If you don't know one of the most influential bands in the world had there lead singer kill himself due to depression. The band has barely done anything since aside from the few guest vocalists for tribute concerts.

They finally added a new singer one who in court defended a serial rapist as being a good guy and due to there upbringing in scientology doesn't believe in mental illness at all as a concept.

When the lead singer has been asked directly she claims she didn't realize the severity of her former friends actions and she regrets it. However her scilence about scientology and mental healthcare which could have saved Chesters life to me speaks more than any comment she could make.

Many of linkin parks songs we're written by Chester as he struggled with his mental illness and addiction stemming from an abusive insecure childhood.

I love music 🎶 and in it's ultimate morbid display I knew if I was going to punch out I wanted to listen to the songs that I felt best captured my own struggles with mental illness.

The two on my suicide track list from Linink park are

Crawling with lyrics like this how could it not be appropriate based on what you know of my life people who have read about it before.

Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling
I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence, I'm convinced)
(That there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

The other song is more of a justification -

Waiting for the end-

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
And though the words sound steady, something's empty within 'em
We say, yeah, with fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
'Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and fear
Until we dead it, forget it, let it all disappear
Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go
I know what it takes to move on
(Oh) I know how it feels to lie
(Oh) all I wanna do is trade this life for something new
(Oh) holding on to what I haven't got

You know how many times I listened to this song debating if I should just kill myself. 😭 Like so much pain and suffering. If I believed in reincarnation then it's like no harm no foul i get a do over. If I believed in the traditional Catholic hell you think fire and brimstone would harm me when my own father beating me and pissing on me is in my memory. I'd laugh at the tormentors since my very life made me immune to such plain pain and torment.

Nah the issue is I'm an atheist I believe if I punch out one final time then that's it the pain is finally over but I trade any potential happiness the exchange one that could never be taken back.

That's why so many times I have said to myself and others the plan is to earn my death finish my main quest in life and then I can die in peace 🕊️ succumbing to the pain finally to be at rest

Sadly after losing one of my closest friends coming up on two years ago to suicide in my own home and a combination of some new people in my life who would genuinely be devasted it has now sensitized me to there position.

As much as death would release me from the pain and agony it wouldn't end that pain it would just spread it outward to anyone I ever interacted with and had a fond thought of me.

I almost wish I had never met some of these people the empathy for how my death would impact them has become an unique hurdle in what was once my clear destiny.

My girlfriend knowing this has recently in tears forced me into therapy non negotiable.

Why because she hears the pain almost every night I have night terrors I scream moan throw fits it's because i tend to relive everyday the horrible absues I faced as a child and teenager. I never know which memory I'm gonna get its like a spin the wheel for worst moments in your life and then i get to relive in what feels like unbelievable high definition.

The beatings the rapes the sefl harm the sadness how could I not scream out in pain as I feel the countless time my mother put out her cigarettes on my skin as just a minor example?

This is why Chesters lyrics and vocals have ment so much to me personally since he gets it unfortunately he tried to drown himself in substances live the rock star life to avoid the pain.

I have tried to avoid it a different way I have gone on a quest to make the world a better place before I die but suffering all the way has been unbelievably difficult.

I have finally buckled nit for my sake but the sake of those that love me to get mental healthcare.

Because I definitely don't want to die yet and I understand why some fear it.

This is why anyone singing Chester's part but doesn't believe ir support mental healthcare to me is an abomination and the band for choosing someone like that has lost all relevance to me.

He died sharing his pain with us as art and you don't even have the decency to put someone in that place who would honor his memory. Fuck them

I will close with sharing my favorite Linkin Park song lyrics

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone
And I
(Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed)
And I
(Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that)
And I
(Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed)
And I
(Take back all the things that I said to you)
And I'd give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to
This is my December
These are my snow covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need
And I
(Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed)
And I
(Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that)
And I
(Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed)
And I
(Take back all the things that I said to you)
And I'd give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to
This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
Give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to
Give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

I think as an orphan it's pretty obvious I never had a home or a family or even people I could really trust and so many times when I tried I was taken advantage of or abused so yeah so many days I pretend it's okay to just live in this world alone so many people are alone anyway what's one more forgotten unwanted life.