Ice Girl's public thoughts.

Woke up crying and screatming at 5 am 😭

Content warning: mentions of trans abuse ⚠️

Having night terrors is maddening. I can recall in great detail tonight's terror.

I was sitting at an old time writing desk with black walls almost floating in a dark room only light by some warm glowing lanters which would flicker with the flame.

A slight smell of sulfur and warm air current filled the room. I was writing on some velum parchment names of people as I started to stare intently to make them out the horror overtook me when I realized what I was writing.

As I slowly looked down it was all the trans and intersex peoples names I know who have died either by murder or suicide.

As I was seeing the names I couldn't stop writing them. My hand as if otherworldly over came my other as I gripped at it so viscously trying to stop I tore my flesh off to the bone.

I started to cry: my tears were thick filled not by water and salt but my red blood. My tears fell upon the names.

I kept writing them over and over totally possessed and my world was a jumble of blood sweat and pain as I frantically tried to keep there names on the page even though I wanted to stop.

I started to scream looking to the heavens yet as I looked up the candles went out leaving me in a total black void dissociated from all but my limb that wouldn't obey me.

The scream became primal filled with terror and greif mortified there's too much loss.

In all of this I kept writing the names over and over, my bones started to snap at the intensity of movements I could feel the snapping and it was a relief that maybe soon my torment would be at an end.

However I couldn't keep up with my tears and I started to choke on my own blood. It stared running into my mouth ovecoming me I started to drown my own lungs couldn't expel my blood fast enough gasping for air all I could get was the distinctive taste of metallic iron thats in blood, my eyes unable to see anything coated in blood.

My hand finally stoped writing because I too was dead - finally free of the suffering.

I can barely fathom a time this grief wasn't upon my heart.

--++

What set me off? My suspicion I had this CD friend of mine when clocked pretended to be transgender as a deflection.

I was disgusted and shocked 😳 I challenged him. What did you just do? He was like what? Shurging?

In a near scream I exclaimed

"Only a cis white man of privilege could possibly say something so ignorant."

I brought to his attention the murder and suicide rate of trans people and went to a website of anti trans laws and started to read the raw contempt Republicans have for trans and intersex people that's overtaking the nation.

I started to explain the Republicans do this because they have no solutions or vision on how to make the country better.

Thus giving bigots the freedom and consent to hate a group of vulnerable people is cat nip for the lowest filth.

I lost too many loved ones to find this amusing. Transgender day of remembrance exists because we carry on dispite the dead we wear upon our hearts.

Today is officially the day I came into this world an orphan.

My one wish is I don't have to see my country continue to abandon and murder trans people for political gain.

Why does asking for something so reasonable seem unattainable in my lifetime.

I have only one vote but I try to use my voice to advocate and speak up for those who are no longer here.

I don't want to have to have to write one more name in tears of blood.