Yep....that's the journey I've been on the last 3 years. This year has been paramount in overcoming fears and striving to show up as authentically as possible. And as always, with growth comes a lot of fear and pain.
Stepping into this lifestyle has been that way for me. It's been so natural, but natural is not synonymous with easy.
As I've learned more and more while on this path I have come to see how naturally submissive I am. I can look back to early childhood and see where I just craved the love and guidance of a someone and I would strive to obey and please. I can see where as a teenager I sought the same, but because of a few elements in my life (that are not for this or maybe any post) I had become very defiant and jaded in nature. I can see as an early adult I swung my pendulum completely to one side, threw myself into complete submission, but it came from a place of fear and lack of trust in myself. In the long run, that last stage almost broke me.
But now I'm here. Now, I'm in a place where I strive and successfully break down the walls built up over the years. I find it's easier to recognize when I'm building them up again, and to stop that and instead find my voice and speak about my wants and needs. It's easier to open up to those people who have shown themselves to be trustworthy...and sometimes to even take a chance on others. And I have learned to submit....to TRULY submit. It's still a process, and one I'd like to share, but I've already digressed a bit.....so back on topic.
In this growth process I have been learning to show up as myself. Not the watered down, censored version that I knew would keep all people around me comfortable and all relationships copacetic....the authentic me. It's not easy, most of the time. I'm hounded by fears of how other people will think or react. How will they see me? What if they think xyz? WHAT IF THEY PULL AWAY? That's the biggest fear.
But I've learned that in order to be surrounded by people who are capable of loving me...all of me...the way I want to be loved, I have to actually SHOW them who I am. Novel idea, isn't it?
One thing I realized on this BDSM journey is that I'm a bit of an exhibitionist....and I love art. I see photos of others that are beautiful and sensual, and I find I want to show some of myself. I find myself craving to present myself to others in a similar way. But you know....all those fears of not being enough. Not sexy enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough. And then, what if I'm seen as slutty or not classy, or feminine, or..........insert anything.
Eventually, I came to realize that I had to say "fuck fear". I had to go for it, even if it wasn't perfect, because otherwise I was just going to continue to let fear guide my decisions. I took a picture. It actually wasn't even for the purpose of this blog post, but when I saw it I had a nagging urge to take the plunge and post it. All the usual fears came bubbling up to the surface about how people would judge me, people I respect, people who's opinions matter. But, if you don't see me...how can you truly accept me? How can you love me for who I truly am? You're only loving certain parts.
So, I posted it. It's not perfect...I aspire to much more artistic and classier pictures. But, I realized it was my stepping stone to something much greater than a photo....
It was a path to loving and accepting myself. And the knowledge that I am enough, regardless of the opinions of others.
