This morning I woke to find that a friend that has been fighting cancer for a few years passed away. So, I may be a touch emotional today. She and I had a precarious start to our friendship. When we first met, she fell hard for me, and tried her damndest to get me to notice her, and to be interested in her in more than just a friendly way. It never took off like she wanted, because our desires were not compatible.
The biggest thing between us on that, and I found out about it very quickly, was that she wanted a happy monogamous relationship, that would end with growing old together, and being together til death do us part. I, on the other hand, have always been more open handed about relationships and have just never been able to get really comfortable in a monogamous relationship. When I first broke the news to her, it hurt her bad, mostly because I have a tendency to flirt at the drop of the hat (One of the reasons that some friends get upset with my flirtatious ways). She stayed hurt at me for awhile, but we eventually found common ground to start our friendship, and she became a good friend. So today I sit in an emotional pool.
The death of someone I am close with usually has the effect of getting me to reflect on how I view relationships.. Many people think that I am afraid of commitment, maybe a little has to do with that, but I think it is something different. The thought of commiting to just one person, and denying myself when it comes to being attracted to other people, is unsettling. It is not that I enjoy just doing the 'hit it and quit it' thing, but when I have a deep emotional connection to them that is developed over time, if they are agreeable to it, I want to explore a more sensual relationship with them, because it has been my experience that it strengthens the bond between us in a way that makes us happy. Over the years I have lost friendships because of this, and I get called childish regularly.
Am I saying that there is absolutely no way that I could ever commit totally to just one person? No, not necessarily. It is that I feel that I would not be true to myself, at least at this point in my life, and I have done enough of that in my life, and frankly this is one thing that I have decided that I will not hide (And have not for many years).
