Hello, dear reader! How are ya? How ya been? I’m good! It’s Friday apparently! And for many it’s payday! Gotta love it! Do you have any plans for the weekend? I have to figure out what to buy my family for Christmas, since that’s coming soon. Fuck. What do I buy these people??
Friday. The start to my weekend, but all the weekend warriors, it’s the end of theirs. That’s unfortunate. But of course, life happens and all we can do it sit back and watch the chaos unfold. Especially in 2020.
Remember when we were kids? Friday was such a great day. School usually went by pretty and then you got to go and play! Go see friends! Stay up late playing video games and eating cold pizza! When you finally managed to pull yourself to bed, you were excited for the Saturday morning cartoons and the prospect of a great day to follow.
I miss that. A lot. Being an adult is fucking hard. Why were we in such a hurry to grow up? Everyone warned us we would miss it, and we didn’t listen. It isn’t really a secret that I had a bad childhood. All the abuse and neglect and... badness. And yet, sometimes I feel like I would willingly go back to that instead of being in the life that has presented itself to me.
Damn. That’s a weird thought. Is adulting really that bad? Why is that hard? Sure, we have to be responsible and do the work and bills thing. Some of us have kids. And that can be tough at times. But what really makes it harder? When you stop and think about it, for most people, it shouldn’t be as hard as it is. On paper, it’s not bad. We had school as a kid. We work as adults. Typically about 40 hours a week at both. Yes, there are people who do more or less, but keeping it simple. We have to clean and maintain ourselves and our homes. Most of us had some level of chores as a kid. Not TOO different. Sure, we have bills. But we also have alcohol.
And I know I’m leaving out stuff like kids. Because I can’t really relate. No kids for Cozubia. On paper, childhood and adulting should be so similar. And yet, here we are. The world around us crushing our spirit, driving us crazy, giving us anxiety and depression. Fucking depression. The world has given adults seasonal depression. When we were kids, the holidays were the best thing ever. And somehow, when we woke up one morning as an adult, we realized just how stressful and painful it can be. Fucking holidays.
Yes, I suffer from seasonal depression. Usually it only lasts 12 months a year. You know, like a good healthy adult. Instead of school lunches, we get a healthy dose of mental illness. Who in their right mind would sign up for this?? I just want to fall asleep and wake up tomorrow, realize I’m still a kid, make myself a big bowl of cereal and watch my damn Power Rangers.
As I write, I’m starting to understand why littles are so common. I’m starting to get it. A chance to be safe from the big bad world and go back to when things were simple and easy. I know there is way more to it than that, but it still kind of fits. I kind of get it. I’m kind of jealous. I just started like 15 sentences in a row with “I” so that’s cool.
My life is good. I’m happy... well, happy-ish. I have some amazing things that bring me happiness. But am I happy? Hell, is anyone? Is it even possible anymore? Are we lying to ourselves, tricking ourselves into thinking this is what we wanted when we had our entire lives in front of us?
I don’t know. I wish I had the answers. I wish I knew. Sadly, I have never known. And likely never will.
Fuck, this turned into a weird post. I’m at lunch and just jamming to some music. It’s a bit on the darker side emotionally, and I think it fucked me up. Need to change that shit. Whoops!
Also, did you notice I spelled “Friday” with the first letters of my paragraphs? Pretty snazzy, eh?
Be good, dear reader. Be good to yourself. Be good to those you care about. Be good to a complete stranger. Just be good. And if you can’t be good, at be good at it!
