This is another carry over writing piece i did when my father passed away from Acute Myelopic Leukemia, and a combination of other factors, where he possibly took some matters into his own hands, so he wouldn't suffer for 8 months.
About a month or so ago, my mom called me to tell my brother and I that our father was diagnosed with Leukemia, and a very aggressive version at that. He would be starting Chemo Therapy sessions in the weeks to come, after they had finished with blood transfusions to clean out the blood infection he was also diagnosed with. In the past few days, he was found unconscious and not breathing, for an undetermined amount of time, due to complications with a powerful come back by his blood infection, and a new lung infection, a week after his first chemo session, which only pissed off his aggressive leukemia. He was thankfully, surrounded by family who could attend, when he passed as they said their final farewells.
My mom, my sister, and the half brothers and sister i have on my dad's side are all devastated by this for many reasons, to varying degrees, though none i would suppose as much as my Mom, as she spent the last 33+ years with the man i had come to despise for many different reasons. I never had much of a relationship with the man, as he seemed to alienate most people around him for one reason or another, so my feelings toward him are rather indifferent when it comes to his passing away.
On the other hand, my heart goes out to my mother, my sister, and the rest of our family, because of the loss they suffered. I really wish i could do something to paint my father in a more positive light, but there aren't any happy memories i have of him in order to do so.
On the phone with my sister this morning, as she called to check up on how my brother and i were handling it, we got to talking, and i asked her how my nephews were doing, and she told me of how she had to explain that their "papa", since they couldn't say grandpa yet, was "sick, very sick". So as kids their age tend to do, they ask those innocent, yet painful questions that are incredibly difficult to answer: "is he going to feel better tomorrow?" as he happened to like spending time with his grandchildren. So when he had finally passed away, she had to tell them "papa's all better now, he's gone up to the sky" to which they responded "papa can fly!?" It was absolutely heart breaking to hear it, and know that they aren't of the age to understand what dying and death is, or that they'd never see their dear "papa" again. But they are aware of what it means when someone "goes away", as i spent a great deal of time with them whenever i could, before i moved across the country, and the eldest of my nephews grew attached to me, and would only let me pick him up.
My mother is a truly wonderful person to me, and there are few i see who are as strong as she is, or have handled as much as she has in so short a time - Her older brother died an agonizingly slow death to AIDS/HIV, and her father was the one to pull the plug for him then. She had to watch slowly as her father began to creep into dementia for it, until Alzheimer's finally claimed him, and couldn't remember who she was when it came time to say good bye, but he knew he was loved by all those who attended him in his final moments. Shortly there after, she had to be with my sister as she gave birth to a still born child, while providing love and support to her amid the chaos created between my sister and the baby's daddy not wanting anything to do with it, so my sister could prove she could be a capable single parent. (Although he did want to attend the funeral, our parents agreed he would not be allowed at the funeral, which was graciously put together by my Uncle and his fiancee). In less than a year, Her mother was then diagnosed with kidney failure, and had to be put on dialysis until her time was up, however tragedy would strike again as she suffered from a severe bout of food poisoning, caused by the negligence of the staff in the elderly care facility she was staying. All (with the exception of her older brother) within a 2 year period of time. Each one as devastating to her emotionally, and somewhat physically, as the last. Yet none of these times has she ever shown vulnerability or a tendency to curse life or give up on it. As a person who knows what it means to be strong for too long, i know that she crumbles a bit under it all, but like me, doesn't allow anyone to see it until it's too late.
So to those who read this, and want to send your condolences, i thank you. If you want to share your thoughts, prayers, and positive vibes, please keep my mom and sister, and my nephews in your hearts and minds when you do.
I'm a strong person, emotionally and mentally, and writing this out, has helped me to cope, and come to sort out some of the feelings i was having.
