This morning I became emotional while getting my daughter ready for school. The thought of the upcoming month which is also the month my son passed due to an OD. I tried my best not to let it get the best of me, my daughter knows when something is wrong. A little while later i received at text that made me smile and the tears went away.
As I'm doing my best to keep busy and not think about anything that would make me cry. Just my luck I see a segment on GMA about an actress and the parody video she made for Mother's Day. That was it!!! My ex asked me when mother's day was, i told him next week and i really don't care about it anymore. He had a confused look on his face, then I walked away. This will be the first Mother's day without my son calling and making me laugh almost making me piss my pants. Ever since i haven't been able to stop crying, even as I'm writing. I just can't stop. I guess I have pretended long enough that he's still here, when I need to realize that he did all he could to stay clean. This fucking covid didnt help. Everything shut down and he lost all support that he needed. I feel that I should have done more to keep him focused and motivated to stay clean.
Last night I saw a message that related to how I feel and broke down last night. I'm unable to remember it word for word, here it goes, in short i shouldn't blame myself for not doing enough or not being able to do more. There was nothing more that I could have done to prevent his untimely passing. It really it me. I blamed myself, because i didnt see the signs that he relapsed or that during our last video chat that he was high. He hid it well, and i understand why. He didnt want me to worry or find him any help even though everything was shut down. I really miss him, he kept me going when i wanted to give up more than once, and was the only one of my children proud of me for coming such a long way on my own road of healing and recovery from alcoholism.
Damn!!!!!
