Poems and more from the Heart, Soul, Mind and Spirit

I would like to share my journey of healing(trauma), recovery(alcoholism) and learning how to trust again ( especially men). idk how old I was but i remember being held by my feet and my cousin banging my head against the metal strip of the step leading to the den ( i still have the scar right between my eyes) I've been molested numerous times while i was young ( around 8/9 yrs old).  I remember who they were, sad how i can only remember those moments overshadowed the a majority of my elementary school years.  We have moved around a few times, nothing really felt like home to me except for when I visited my aunt in NJ. She lived in the country part of a town called chiselhurst, I miss sitting outside looking at the stars, i felt at peace. I felt the same when we moved to tennessee. I liked this cute boy next door( yes blond with blue eyes which are  my fucking weakness) we couldn't understand why his father didn't like us together until i got older(according to my family, black and white don't mix).  mY mom and aunt opened a restaurant and I learned how to play pool, we lived in 2 shitty places until my mom found a townhouse.  Later on she  abandoned us and i took care of my siblings with hardly any food in the house. But wait there's more!!!! She came back a few days  later and got us and off to ny we went.  Got in trouble because a boy asked me to pull my pants down, so i did. oh well i was about 13.  The molestations began (14) when her bf would come to me after being with her, i rigged the door so it would wake her up and he would run off but neither one happened, well at least she was able to get a few extra pounds of meat.  Since then I have been suicidal and not knowing what to do or how to handle anything.  When I thought the nightmare was over, I was wrong. I wasn't allowed to do anything or go anywhere i was always taking care of my siblings.  In high school( after a very traumatic experience) i would drink calvin's coolers and visit my grandmother (who I was told was dead)  I was self destructing and didn't know it.  I tried to have my own babysitting business, learned how to become an entrepreneur with the help of a wonderful teacher/mentor. I purchased my own HS ring. There were positives negatives of HS years, Im blessed to have my 2 besties in my life til this day.  Then the unthinkable happened again, and again and again. All because my mother told my uncle that I was in love with him. So that's where the mistrust in men really hit, when you can't trust a relative life has really ended.   That continued on for years became pregnant and the baby boy died.  I finally went to therapy about 3 yrs ago, too many suicide attempts/thoughts, being abandoned, rejected,cheated on, trauma after trauma, I finally had a mental breakdown I went through the cbt(cognitive behavioral therapy) program which helped alot. Helped me understand that alot of shit that happened in my life isn't my fault. I was accepting the blame for other's behaviors towards me. Blaming myself for all that has happened to me. Even with my son passing last year, I took that shit hard. I kept blaming myself for not seeing the signs, not being there for him more often etc. I know my angel babies are playing with their big/little brother right now and that makes me smile and cry. As far as trusting men, I'm getting there. I have an unorthodox way trusting men again, but, so far so good.  One day I'll take one of these events and delve deeper into it.  I'm a little happier because of where I am, how far I have come and I still have a long way to go.  It's been a year since my last suicidal thought.  As long as I know z would go into a state funded home for the rest of her life, I will do whatever it takes to stay alive no matter what breaks me down.