For a long time, I would tell others not to see their decisions not as regrets but as life lessons. But today I couldn't do that for myself. For the past hour, I was speaking with someone that became a good friend. I realized how I regretted not being able to give him what he was asking from me. Don't get me wrong, I was more than willing and capable of giving him what he was asking from me. I turned him down because I stupidly was waiting on someone else. He then found a girlfriend, and decided to leave the lifestyle but wanted us to stay in contact. Totally fine with me, which would be hard because we could never have a clean conversation lol.
Today, it totally hit me,REGRET I don't know why it hit me now, i started tearing up. I told him from the beginning my situation, I let him know that I want him to be happy and that his happiness is more important than my desires. So, why the tears? I miss our moments together (even non sexual moments that didnt last long lol) I felt guilty for not being who he wanted me to be even though he understood what i was going through at the time. For awhile he even felt guilty, it took me sometime to get him to understand there was nothing to feel guilty about. And you know what he said, he felt guilty because in his heart he had hurt me because of the decision that he had made. That right there shocked me, I didnt expect that at all from him. Admittance of feeling guilty of hurting someone who he barely knows. We didnt know each other that long, but we connected on a different level from day one. He included me in his family, his life from the first day of meeting him. He even showed me how to hold a rifle, along with his workshop, hunting gear etc. He gave me what no one was willing to give,TIME. I didn't ask for anything from him but honesty. He gave more than what I was asking from him. One thing for sure, he is truly blessed. He deserves all the happiness in the world. I'm glad he found it.
As for me, I will no longer see my decision of not being the girlfriend he wanted as a regret after today. I will be the friend that he can talk/vent to, the friend that will talk him off that ledge of going in a different direction. A friend that will help him on those rough days of not being able to be himself 100%. In return, he's showing me that anything is possible this late in the game.