freshly-made sub

sometimes, it's hard work to even figure out what you actually want, let alone trying to achieve it.

sometimes your desires are mutually exclusive. sometimes they overlap, and other times they are in direct conflict.

more than anything, it's hard to muster up the energy, free time and capital required to pursue any interest. kink can be especially challenging in this respect, because privacy and discretion need to be factored in as well.

paradoxically, it feels that it should be easier than ever, with the resources available, with kink being more accepted and mainstream. but so many other things are competing for our attention, even within the kink-sphere. it's overwhelming.

combining these aspects with my earlier point about other interests, the most common reason for divesting from kink is finding a vanilla partner, because as fascinating and aroused as I am with kink, I do not have the patience or drive to deny myself a chance to connect with someone if they happen to fall outside that purview.

does this make me disingenuous as a kinkster? or as a partner in general? when one pursuit doesn't pan out, I get winded and sulk back to the other one, or none at all. even if I do "get what I want", I could learn it's not actually what I wanted, and then I not only hurt myself but someone else in the process, and not in a good way.

we'll get there; we'll get somewhere, anyway. we've been places and appreciated them, but we'd like to stay longer, or at least get there more often. but in the meantime, we have to live between two drains and swim in what we have before we figure out how to plug them

While I'm working on my long-form fiction/erotica, I figure it'd be a good holdover to post the song I obtained my username from; there seems to be a lot of overlap with music appreciation and kink

You love him
You want to make him happy
He loves you
He wants to humiliate you

He's a bastard
You should leave him
Paranoid manipulator
To hell with him

He's dragging you
Around
On a leash called love

Björk was a little more edgy and playful as part of the Sugarcubes, but has still retained her clever, frank and sensual lyricism that brings her visual and auditory artistry together. She is one of the many female artists that have helped me broaden my horizons in how I think about sex, gender and relationships, and I'll have to work on that as a blog series in tandem with my erotica project in progress. But, back the the song:

I thoroughly enjoy the tongue-in-cheek references to D/s, while acknowledging the darker thematic context of abuse that's not so flattering, but also important to keep in mind when sailing the seas of kink. And also, like BSDM, Björk, especially when paired with Einar (the Fred Schneider-like vocalist yammering along with her), is definitely not for everyone. The tumultuous, borderline dissonance and clumsiness that is so endearing (for me) in the Sugarcubes' compositions is a perfect fit for the uncomfortable topic. 

On a broader note, please share any songs with D/s themes or references that you enjoy, bonus points if you've adapted them as your username.

that "I want to wake up on the floor leashed to the post at the foot of your bed for the rest of my life"

Desire and dependence: sometimes separated by a fragile line, sometimes tangled and intertwined, sometimes a hazy gradient that envelopes us in our kink journey, whether we're whipping, getting whipped, or (unfortunately, for most of us) watching people get whipped online.

Nobody's coming undone / Everyone here is afraid of fun / And nobody's getting any play / It's the saddest night out in the USA¹

Dependence is an always fearsome, sometimes alluring idea. But the attractiveness of dependence is tied to whether or not it becomes synonymous with that desire, or overtakes it. And for those of us on the wrong side of the screen, relegated to being digital voyeurs, our dependence on our desires can be an obstacle from truly realizing them.

Further complicating things is being aware of this empty dependence, which may increase the already present aversion in many of us (not all, obviously) to sacrificing independence, which is kind of a big part of a D/s dynamic. This is where one may start conflating dependence with neediness, and can internally justify this resistance to stop resisting.

God forbid I'm a burden to a potential Dominant, I have to maintain my independence at all costs, even at the expense of not attempting to learn or engage in a deeper part of this other than that sweet kinky porn.

But, ultimately, at least for me, it's my intact independence which makes the idea of submission so much more rewarding, while also allowing me a context where my independence is a privilege and not a burden. But, I'm still dealing with theoretical submission. Until then

Waiting for that day
When this gets easier
Waiting for that day
When this gets harder²

^{title "Romantic Rights" Death From Above 1979}

^{1 "Beat Connection" LCD Soundsystem}

^{2 "Damn Baby" Alpine}

I'm off on my own, for now. I'm spending time with a friend; we're out on the town. You don't need to call every half hour, or pepper my phone with texts, demanding my appreciation for this privilege, or having me work myself up in the bathroom. Because I already would have if you had not instructed me not to tonight. Still, you absolutely could, and you know that I would not hesitate.

The real power is in the knowing, if you wanted to, that you could summon me back home, or not even allow me to leave in the first place, if I missed a spot on the dishes, or left a load of laundry in the dryer. You could order me to edge in the bathroom, if I was sent out without my cage, or send a slutty selfie to keep you amused.

You don't need to, and you don't always want to. But you could. And I would.

But what you do need is the second I set foot inside your house is to get in uniform, whatever that may be. While I enjoy humbling myself with nudity and a collar to denote ownership, you may prefer underwear, lingerie, a suit, a dress. When I am in your house, I am under your command within or without your presence. You've already educated and trained me on how you want your house taken care of. If I don't need to stand to accomplish my tasks, you want me crawling. If my tasks are done, you want me in my cage, in the corner, kneeling at your feet, whatever your whim is.

Maybe while relaxing in your den, you hear the clink of the lock against my chastity cage, or the jingle of my collar as it bobs to the rhythm of my scrubbing the floors in the kitchen. This sound brings a smirk, picturing me in your preferred state of dress, on all fours, keeping the kitchen spotless so you can continue to unwind from the day's struggles.

Generally, you are satisfied with this arrangement. But even so, pathetic slutty subs scrubbing floors, dusting window sills and mowing lawns are only so amusing to observe. You may spill something on the floor and on your feet and have me slurp it up. You may summon me to your quarters to put some marks on my body, hold some strenuous positions, or tease my swollen manhood. If you're feeling particularly generous, I may have the pleasure of becoming your mattress, your chair, your footstool, your toy.

But, namely, I am just another fixture in your house that happens to have more uses, accessories, and is interactive if the feature is permitted.

And while I'm off enjoying myself and the company of my friends, I am very much anticipating of having the privilege to return to your presence.