Nirvana

This past 2 weeks, I tried something new.
I let go. I slowed down. I breathed.

I gave myself permission to explore tantra, not in some romanticized, candle-lit fantasy—but in the real, raw, sacred quiet of my everyday. No partners. No scripts. Just me… and my body. My breath. My truth.

Every morning, I whispered the same words to myself:
"I am strong. I am brave. I am powerful… I am free.
Free to live. Free to grow. Free to be."

And at first? I didn’t believe them.
But I kept going.

As the days passed, something began to soften inside me. My body, which I so often rush or criticize, started to feel like home again. My breath felt slower. My movements, more intentional. I cried. I laughed. I touched parts of myself I didn’t even know were still holding grief, or shame, or that deep ache for safety.

And somewhere in that stillness… I found her.
The version of me that isn’t trying to earn softness.
She just is soft. And worthy. And whole.

Tantra showed me that submission doesn’t have to be loud or performative. It doesn't need to look like porn or poetry. Sometimes, it's just quiet trust. A deep, knowing surrender to the moment… to your body… to yourself.

If a Dominant ever walks with me through that space, they aren’t just experiencing the beauty of tantra and guiding me through it — but they’re witnessing the power in my submission. I don’t kneel because I am less. I kneel because I am ready. Because I am open. Because I choose to.

And there is so much power in that choice.

Tantra reminded me that submission isn’t about giving up control—it’s about letting go of the fear that I have to hold everything all the time. That it’s okay to exhale. That my softness is not a flaw. That my surrender can be sacred, intentional, and free from shame.

These past weeks, I didn’t just try tantra.
I met myself inside it.
And I kind of fell in love with the girl I found.

Xoxo

Nirvana

Week 6: Exploration & Self-Discovery  

 Exploring Your Kinks & Limits (Figuring out what you actually enjoy)  

How to identify your kinks and turn-ons  

Finding your kinks and understanding your turn-ons is like peeling back layers of your own desires—sometimes revealing things you never expected. It’s more than just knowing what feels good; it’s about understanding the why behind it. What draws you to a particular act? Is it the sensation, the power exchange, or the mental surrender that grips you?

To start identifying your kinks, reflect on these key areas:

- Memorable Moments:

• Think back to any books, movies, or even scenes in everyday life that made your heart race or your mind wander. Was it the power dynamics in a steamy novel? Maybe it was the way someone took control with confidence or the vulnerability of surrendering to someone’s touch.
• Reflect on scenes that caught your attention, even if you weren’t fully comfortable with them. Sometimes, our discomfort is a sign of curiosity we haven’t explored yet.

- Fantasies and Dreams:

• What scenarios play out in your mind when you let your imagination run wild? Is it the idea of restraint? A firm hand guiding you? Or maybe it’s the thrill of consensual non-consent where control is stripped away?
• Writing these fantasies down can be incredibly revealing. Don't censor yourself—this is purely for your own understanding.

- Body Reactions:

• Pay attention to what makes your body react—goosebumps, shivers, flushed skin. These physical responses are clues to what excites you.
• Try experimenting with different stimuli, like light sensation play (feathers, ice cubes), or a firmer touch, to see how your body responds.

- Emotional Responses:

• Some kinks aren’t purely physical; they’re deeply emotional. Maybe praise makes you feel adored, or discipline stirs a craving for structure and security.
• Reflect on moments where you felt deeply connected or seen—those are often tied to your desires in a BDSM context.

Soft vs. hard limits and how they can change  

Limits are the protective boundaries of your desires. They define what is safe, what is possible, and what is absolutely off the table. Understanding your limits is crucial for navigating BDSM safely and confidently.

- Soft Limits:

• These are activities you might be hesitant about, but are still open to exploring under the right conditions. For example, you might be intrigued by impact play but unsure about the intensity.
• Soft limits are flexible and can sometimes shift with trust and experience. The first time you try something, it might feel overwhelming, but with proper communication and a trusted partner, you might discover you actually enjoy it.

- Hard Limits:

• These are firm, non-negotiable boundaries. For you, things like financial domination and fisting fall into this category. Hard limits are there to protect your emotional and physical safety.
• They are absolute and should always be respected without question. A partner ignoring or challenging your hard limits is an immediate red flag.

- Evolving Limits:

• Over time, your experiences might shift your perspective on certain activities. Maybe something that was once a hard limit becomes softer as you understand it more, or vice versa.
• Regular self-reflection is key. After each scene, take time to journal your thoughts and feelings—did anything change for you?

Ways to safely experiment with new kinks  

Curiosity is a beautiful part of BDSM, but it’s essential to experiment safely. Here’s how to approach it mindfully:

- SSC vs. RACK:

• Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC): This philosophy emphasizes that all activities should be done safely, with clear-headed decision-making and mutual consent.
• Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK): This acknowledges that some kinks come with risks, but those involved are fully informed and consensual. This mindset allows for edgier play but requires more communication and trust.

-Communication Before Play:

• Before experimenting, talk openly about what you want to try, what excites you, and what concerns you.
• Establish safewords that are easy to remember and say. Common ones are green for continue, yellow for slow down, and red for stop immediately.

- Setting the Scene:

• Create a space that feels safe and controlled—this might be your bedroom, a trusted dungeon, or even a secluded outdoor spot if you’re into that kind of thrill.
• Lay out what will happen beforehand so there are no surprises, and you feel grounded in what’s to come.

- Aftercare Planning:

• Experimenting with new kinks can be emotionally intense. Aftercare is crucial to help you process what happened, feel safe, and come back to your baseline.
• Aftercare can include cuddling, talking, drinking water, or even just quiet time to reflect.

How to use BDSM checklists and tests  

BDSM checklists are comprehensive tools that help you map out your interests and limits. They’re a roadmap for both self-discovery and partner communication.

• These lists cover everything from light sensation play to intense power exchange.
• Filling one out allows you to clearly identify what you’re into, what you’re curious about, and what’s completely off-limits.
• When shared with a partner, it creates a clear, mutual understanding of desires and boundaries.

Building Healthy BDSM Relationships (Finding safe partners and red flags to avoid)  

How to vet a potential BDSM partner  

Vetting a potential BDSM partner is about ensuring that the person you’re engaging with is safe, respectful, and genuinely invested in consensual power dynamics. Unlike vanilla dating, BDSM relationships require heightened levels of trust and communication because of the vulnerability involved.

The Basics of Vetting:

Vetting involves learning about a person's history, communication style, experience level, and overall compatibility with your dynamic. Here’s how you approach it:

1. Open Conversations:
   Before you even consider play, have deep, honest conversations. Ask them about their experience, favorite kinks, hard and soft limits, and how they handle aftercare. Pay attention to how open they are to discussing safety, consent, and boundaries. If they’re dismissive or vague, that’s a red flag.
2. Check Their Reputation:
   In BDSM communities, reputation matters. If they are part of online communities like FetLife or The Cage, observe how they interact. Are they respectful? Do they contribute to discussions meaningfully? Some communities allow for vetting references—asking past play partners or people who have seen them at events about their behavior.
3. Observe Their Communication Style:
   Do they listen actively? Are they willing to discuss your concerns without getting defensive? Someone who brushes off your need for clarity or pressures you into activities is not respecting your autonomy.
4. Understand Their Experience Level:
   Are they honest about their experience? A responsible Dominant or submissive will openly discuss their journey, learning moments, and even their mistakes. A person who pretends to be experienced but avoids conversations about safety or consent is a major red flag.
5. Look for Consistency:
   A major red flag is inconsistency. If their words and actions don’t align, it’s a sign to proceed with caution. Reliable partners are consistent in their communication and behavior, both online and in person.
    

Recognizing red flags and unsafe dynamics  

Not all partners have good intentions or the experience to engage safely. Being able to recognize red flags early can protect you from manipulative or unsafe situations.

Common Red Flags to Watch For:

1. Disregard for Consent:
   If they avoid conversations about consent, limits, or safewords, that’s a major warning sign. Consent isn’t just a one-time thing; it’s ongoing and requires constant communication.
2. Rushing the Dynamic:
   Be wary of someone who tries to rush into titles, collaring, or intense scenes before trust is established. Healthy dynamics take time to build, and trust isn’t earned overnight.
3. Isolation Tactics:
   If they discourage you from speaking to others in the community or suggest you shouldn’t have a mentor, that’s a control tactic. A good Dominant or submissive will encourage learning and community connection, not isolation.
4. Dodging Accountability:
   If they can’t admit when they’re wrong or always blame others for conflicts, it’s a sign of immaturity and emotional manipulation. In BDSM, accountability is critical for safety and trust.
5. Ignoring Aftercare Needs:
   If they aren’t concerned with your well-being after a scene, it shows a lack of empathy and understanding of BDSM responsibilities. Aftercare is not just a luxury; it’s a necessity for emotional and physical recovery.
    

Finding community and mentors in BDSM  

Building connections within the BDSM community can be empowering and educational. It’s also a great way to meet like-minded people who can support your journey.

Ways to Find Community:

1. Online Platforms:
   FetLife and The Cage are two of the largest online communities where you can find local events, discussion groups, and mentors. Joining forums that align with your interests—like CNC, bondage, or shibari—can help you find people with similar experiences.
2. Local Munches:
   Munches are casual, non-play meetups where kinksters gather to socialize and share experiences. They are typically held in public places, like coffee shops or community centers. It’s a safe, low-pressure way to meet people face-to-face.
3. Workshops and Classes:
   Many communities host workshops on everything from rope play to power dynamics. These are great for learning and networking. Attending these events allows you to see practical demonstrations and ask questions in real-time.
4. Seek Mentorship:
   A mentor isn’t necessarily a Dominant or submissive you play with; it’s someone experienced who can guide you, answer questions, and help you navigate the lifestyle safely. Look for mentors with good community standing and positive references from others in the scene.
    

How to build a dynamic that works for you

A BDSM dynamic should be a reflection of your desires, values, and boundaries—not just your partner’s. It’s about mutual respect, trust, and shared understanding.

Steps to Building a Healthy Dynamic:

1. Self-Reflection First:
   Understanding your own desires, limits, and boundaries is crucial before bringing them to a partner. This self-awareness ensures you can communicate clearly and confidently.
2. Communicate Openly and Often:
   Discuss what you want, what you’re curious about, and what your absolute boundaries are. Be specific—vague descriptions can lead to misunderstandings and potential discomfort during scenes.
3. Establish Rules and Protocols:
   This could be daily rituals, specific titles, or structured playtimes. Protocols create a sense of structure and deepen the power exchange. Examples include morning check-ins, using specific language during scenes, or having scheduled times for reflection and connection.
4. Regular Check-Ins:
   BDSM dynamics are fluid; it’s important to check in regularly to make sure both partners feel safe and fulfilled. These conversations allow space for adjustments and deeper understanding as the relationship evolves.

Conclusion: My Takeaways from Six Weeks of Exploration
As I reflect on these six weeks of immersive exploration, I realize that this journey wasn’t just about BDSM—it was about reclaiming my own narrative, understanding my desires, and embracing my vulnerabilities as strengths. It was a path of unlearning misconceptions and replacing them with knowledge and empowerment.

I now understand that my desires are valid and worthy of expression. Knowing my kinks and limits isn’t just about sexual exploration; it’s about self-respect. I’ve learned that setting boundaries is not a sign of weakness, but a declaration of self-worth. Through consent and communication, I found that vulnerability can coexist with safety, and submission can be both empowering and deeply fulfilling.

Vetting partners, recognizing red flags, and understanding community support have given me confidence in my ability to navigate this lifestyle safely. I’m no longer just tiptoeing around my desires—I’m stepping into them fully informed, equipped with the right tools to protect my boundaries while still exploring my curiosities.

This journey has also reshaped the way I view connection—not just in BDSM but in all my relationships. I’ve learned to prioritize communication, embrace openness, and demand respect for my boundaries without hesitation or guilt. Moving forward, I’m ready to continue this exploration with clarity and confidence, knowing exactly what I want and how to protect it.

BDSM, for me, is more than just a kink; it’s a path to deeper understanding, connection, and self-discovery. And I’m only just getting started.

Xoxo

Nirvana

There are days when the weight settles in like an unwelcome visitor, heavy and suffocating. It doesn’t ask permission; it just arrives—draping itself over everything, whispering thoughts that claw and bite. I feel it creeping in, that familiar ache to pull away, to shut out the world, to silence the noise by throwing everything away...including me.

It’s like drowning in slow motion, the world fading further and further out of reach. But here, in this space—this tiny, fragile bubble—I’m holding on. Holding space for the sadness, for the ache, for the silence that swells around me. It’s heavy, and it’s hard, but I’m still here. I’m still breathing. And that has to mean something.

Sometimes, I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to explain it, justify it, or even try to understand it. I just want someone to hold the space with me, to sit in the dark without trying to force the light. To let me feel it—every jagged edge and sharp corner—until it softens on its own. I want that...I want it so bad, but I don’t know how to ask for it. I keep feeling like I need to keep it together, like showing the cracks would mean everything would shatter. So, I stay quiet. I stay hidden...and only come back when everything is better.

Maybe this is what it means to be strong—not in the fighting, but in the staying. Not in the conquering, but in the holding on, even when every part of me wants to let go.

I don’t even know what’s wrong. Just this feeling…sadness. I don’t want to speak about it—I never do. I pull away, shut down...nothing in, nothing out. They can’t see me like this…no one can…no one wants to anyway. So I shut down, switch off…because they only know me as the happy one, the over-the-top, laughing, optimistic girl who be6lieves unicorns exist and really poop glitter rainbows.

But I can’t…it’s too much, but I try. "Smile…c’mon just one SMILE, DAMMIT…crack a joke, reference a meme. FANTASTIC, now do it again, but this time as if you mean it."

So I do. I just pretend like I’m not suffocating…like I’m not crumbling beneath the weight of it all. I keep going…hoping in a few days it will be gone. And when it is, I sweep it under the already heaped rug, out of sight, out of mind—until it finds its way back again, as it always does.

It’s quiet. Golden light spills in through the windows, casting soft shadows across the room. He’s in his chair, that damn book in his hand again, but I know he’s not reading it. Not really.

Because I’m here. Right where I’m supposed to be.

Curled up on the floor, knees tucked beneath me, a thick blanket draped over me, and a mug of forgotten tea on the table. My cheek rests against his thigh, and it’s like everything in me settles the moment I touch him. Like my body finally remembers where it belongs.

His fingers slide into my hair—slow, lazy, possessive—and I melt. Right there. Against his leg.

“You feel safe here, don’t you, princess?” he murmurs, voice low and rough, that dangerous edge I crave laced with something tender.I don’t even answer. I don’t have to. My body says it for me. A hum, a shift, a breath. I press closer, let my fingers curl into the fabric of his pants like I’ll fall apart if I let go.

The tea goes cold. I barely notice. My hands are too busy—one resting on his knee, the other curled under my cheek as I nuzzle in deeper. The blanket slips down my back, forgotten, and I don’t fix it. I know he likes me like this. Unguarded. Exposed. His.
He strokes my scalp again, slow and deliberate, and I feel it—every pull of his fingers dragging me deeper under his spell. My breath catches, lashes fluttering, but I don’t move. I can’t. I just sink.

“Thought about you all damn day, baby,” he whispers, thumb brushing along my temple. “Meetings, errands… couldn’t get your pretty face outta my head.”My lips part. A soft “I missed you, too, Daddy” slips out before I even think. It’s warm, sleepy, wrapped in devotion. I nuzzle into his thigh and let the world disappear.

Some time passes with us just like that. Me at his feet, head on his thigh, his hand in my hair. There isn't a single thought on mind except this. The silence, the feel of his trousers against my cheek as my hands aimlessly roam his leg.

And then he says it—“Come here.” I crawl to him. Slow. Deliberate. Every movement is a silent confession: I want him. I trust him. I need him.

“Good girl,” he murmurs as I climb into his lap. His fingers graze my cheek, and I feel my whole body sigh. But he doesn’t let me get too comfortable. Of course, he doesn’t.

“You don’t get to sit here without doing something for me first,” he says, his voice dark and teasing. “But I think you know what I like, don’t you?”

My heart pounds. I do. And I give it to him. Every look, every breath, every bit of submission he wants—I offer it freely.

But then?

Then my lips touch his neck. A soft kiss, sweet and careful… at first. Until my tongue grazes his Adam’s apple and I hear it—that growl that makes my stomach twist and my thighs clench. The second our mouths meet, it’s not soft anymore. It’s heat and hunger and possession. His hand fists in my hair, and I don’t resist. I lean into it. I want to be kept.

“You like waking up that beast in me, huh?” he growls. “You want Daddy to lose control?”

Yes. Fuck yes.

And when I whisper it—“I’m yours, Daddy. Your toy. Your good girl. Your brat. Your everything…”

He snaps.

“That’s it,” he growls, his grip tightening. “Say it again. Louder.” And when I do, he doesn’t hold back. His hand slides up my thigh, teasing, dangerous. Then his teeth find my bottom lip and tug, and I swear I feel myself unraveling.

“You belong to Daddy,” he growls. “And tonight… I’m going to make damn sure you feel it everywhere.” Then he flips me. Without warning, I’m over his knee, his oversized t-shirt pushed up and my panties pulled down, revealing my ass. I gasp as his palm drags across my ass… and then—CRACK.

One.

Then another. Harder. Then again.

“Count for me,” he commands. “And if you forget a number, I start over.”

Two. Three. Four. My voice shakes, but I obey. Each strike stings. Bites. Burns. But I need it. I crave it.

“Don’t get cocky,” he growls as his hand trails down my thigh. “We’re not even halfway.”

CRACK. Five. Six. My breath trembles. Then I whisper it again, soft and broken, “Six, Daddy…”

CRACK. Seven. My body jolts. His fingers twist in my hair, pulling my head back, making my back arch for him.

“You’re dripping for me. Squirming. I bet if I slid two fingers inside you right now, you’d cry from how full and ruined you already feel.”

Fuck.

CRACK. Eight. Lower this time. My yelp escapes before I can stop it.

“You’re mine,” he growls again, spanking me harder. “This body? This mouth? That sweet little mind? All mine.” His teeth sink into my shoulder, claiming me. His fingers tease between my legs, brushing just enough to make me whimper. And then he whispers against my skin—hot, filthy, true—

“Every number is a promise. A bruise for Daddy. A moan you owe me. And by the time I’m done with you... you’re gonna be wrecked and ruined and proud of it.” My skin is still stinging—warm, flushed, and humming from the last strike.

The air in the lounge feels heavier now, like it’s pressing against my bare skin, thick with anticipation. The soft glow from the standing lamp turns everything gold and shadowed. I can hear him behind me—his breathing calm, deep. Collected. Like nothing just happened. Like I’m the only one trembling.

There’s a pause.

Then I feel his fingers slide beneath my chin, tipping my face up—not roughly, just enough to remind me that I belong to him.

“That’s enough,” he says, voice low and firm, like a closing door. “Up. Now.”
My legs shake slightly as I move. He doesn't offer help. Of course not. That’s not the point. I push myself up carefully, every movement slow, controlled, because I know he’s still watching me. Always watching.

“Go to the couch,” he instructs. “Kneel. Chest down. Keep your face forward. I don’t want to see you look back—not once.”

I obey. Of course I do.

I cross the room slowly, each step echoing with silent tension. The couch is warm from the soft lighting, and I sink into the cushions just enough to steady myself. Knees spread, chest pressed against the couch cushions, arms crossed as I rest my chin on them, looking at the wall in front of me, spine arched just slightly. I face forward. Just like he told me.

I don’t look back. I want to.

God, I ache to.

But I stay still, breathing shallow, waiting for whatever comes next. The sound of him moving behind me—the slow steps, the pause, the faint shift of leather—it’s maddening. Not knowing. Not seeing. Just feeling the silence stretch between us. And knowing he’s still there.

Right behind me.

One hand he reaches down in between my legs and finds my hot wet pussy...the anticipation of it all making me jolt when his fingers gets in contact with my clit and i let out a sigh, with the other hand he grips my hair and pushes it all to fall over one shoulder exposing my neck. He lowers himself, placing his face on my neck and breathing me in, sending shivers down my back.

He steps back, forgetting the instruction given. I turned my head to see where he was going, but quickly turned back after remembering, earning a chuckle from him. " Some seems eager...t-shirt off"

"Okay"

SMACK!

I gasped. That was a warning; there was a sudden drop in temperature, and goosebumps blossomed across my body. Pulling my bottom lip between my teeth to stop the shy smile appearing, as the realisation of the moment dawned on me. Daddy was gone, no more light touches and sweet kisses...this was Sir, and he would ruin me.

"Yes, Sir," I said as I tugged my t-shirt over my head and threw it to the side, remaining only in my purple thigh-high socks, and returned to my position. Then I waited. He was still there, I felt the heat radiating off of him and the tick of his watch. He just watched.

We stayed like this for what felt like an eternity. I was dying for him to touch me, and I finally broke the silence, "Sir...please," hoping those two words would be my saving grace...still nothing. I started squirming, rubbing my nipples against the leather fabric of the cushions to get some sort of release.

'Please,' I whispered like a prayer to heaven.

"I thought you'd never ask." In a second, the couch dipped from his weight, and he was up against me, he was grinding on me in that animalistic manner. Lacing his fingers between my hair, " I love how desperate you get for me. I didn't even touch you, and you're dripping." Tsk..Tsk...Tsk "Slut"

I heard the unbuckling of his belt and his zipper run down and the tip of his dick circle my entrance. Slow torture. Over and over again. When I thought he would slide in, he wouldn't. I was shaking and whimpering, pleading for more. "You take what I give you when I give it to you. If the tip is what I am giving you, then the tip is what you take. Understood?"

" Yes, Sir,"...he continued his torture alternating between his tip and his fingers, never giving me enough to go over the edge. My thighs were trembling and my pussy clenching. Then, when I thought it would never end, he slammed into me without warning.

Hard and fast, he filled me up.

I let out a cry that wasn’t even a sound anymore—just raw noise, dragged from somewhere deep in me. His grip was brutal—one hand on my hip, the other in my hair again, dragging my head back just enough to make my spine curve. Each thrust hit deeper than the last, his pace relentless now, animal. His body slamming into mine like it had a point to prove.

I was gone.

My thoughts blurred, my body on fire, every nerve frayed and begging. The couch creaked beneath us, leather moaning under our weight, and I could barely hold myself up. My arms trembled, collapsing beneath me. My cheek pressed flat into the cushion as I sobbed out some mess of his name.

"That's it," he growled through clenched teeth, "Look at you—fucking ruined for me."
He never stopped moving. Not for a second. Every time I thought he’d slow down, he gripped me tighter, pushed in harder, pulling whimpers and curses out of me like I was made to sing for him.

“You begged for it,” he hissed into my ear, “Now you take it. Every damn inch. Say it—tell me who you belong to.”

“Y-you, Sir… you… I’m yours—”

SMACK—his hand came down across my ass again, raw and sharp, making me jolt.

“Damn right you are.” His rhythm started to falter, breath coming in ragged gasps. I could feel him pulsing inside me, that last stretch of control barely hanging by a thread.

His hand slid across my throat, not tight, just resting—possessive, grounding. His hips slammed forward one last time, deep enough I saw stars behind my eyes, and then he let go with a low, guttural groan that vibrated against my back.

He collapsed forward over me, chest rising and falling. We stayed like that—bodies tangled, breath ragged, sweat cooling between us.

And then, after what felt like forever, he pressed a kiss to the back of my neck.

Gentle.
Grounding.
Mine.

"Good girl," he whispered, so low I almost didn’t hear it. “My perfect, obedient little slut.”

Week 5: Psychological & Emotional Aspects Submissive & Dominant Psychology (Mindsets, responsibilities, and expectations)

Week 5 explores one of the most important and often overlooked parts of BDSM: the psychological and emotional layers that shape how Dominants and submissives experience power exchange. Beyond the physical acts and the external protocols, BDSM is deeply rooted in mindset, intention, and emotional connection.

This week focuses on understanding the mental frameworks of both Dominants and submissives, the emotional highs and lows that can come with giving or receiving control, and the shared responsibility that keeps these dynamics healthy, consensual, and fulfilling.

By diving into these inner worlds, we start to see how BDSM isn't just about what happens during a scene—it's about the emotional landscape we build with one another, and the care we take in navigating it.

Submissive & Dominant Psychology (Mindsets, responsibilities, and expectations)  

Understanding the Submissive Mindset

The submissive mindset is rooted in the intentional act of surrendering control. This does not reflect weakness or passivity, but rather a powerful and often empowering choice to give authority to another. Submissives often thrive within clear structures, routines, and rituals.

Common traits and desires within the submissive mindset include:

• A need for consistency, structure, and emotional safety
• A desire to be deeply understood, guided, and corrected with care
• The experience of personal freedom and emotional release through obedience or service
• The fulfillment that comes from pleasing their Dominant

Different submissives have different motivations—some are obedient and nurturing, others may be bratty or rebellious, craving firm correction. Understanding this variation is key in creating a dynamic that nurtures growth and connection.

Understanding the Dominant Mindset

The Dominant mindset centers around guidance, leadership, and responsibility. True dominance is not rooted in ego or cruelty, but in conscious, consensual authority that protects, nurtures, and empowers the submissive.

Core elements of the Dominant mindset include:

• A sense of duty to ensure the submissive’s physical, mental, and emotional well-being
• Observational awareness—reading a submissive’s needs, reactions, and non-verbal cues
• Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, rules, and protocols
• Balancing firmness and structure with empathy, patience, and emotional availability

Dominants must be self-aware and disciplined. They carry the weight of power with care and are responsible for their submissive’s vulnerability.

Emotional Highs and Lows of Power Exchange

BDSM, especially power exchange dynamics, can bring intense emotional experiences. These highs and lows can happen both during and after scenes or in the everyday structure of the relationship.

For submissives, emotional experiences can include:

• Subspace: a trance-like, euphoric state during deep submission
• Drop: an emotional crash after intense scenes due to hormonal or psychological shifts
• Vulnerability: deep emotional openness, fear of rejection, or performance anxiety
• Euphoria: feelings of joy and peace when the connection is strong and fulfilling

For dominants, emotional experiences can include:

• Top drop: emotional lows or guilt after intense scenes
• Responsibility fatigue: the weight of emotional and structural leadership
• Highs from control: a powerful feeling of purpose and connection
• Pressure to perform: feeling responsible for outcomes and emotional impact

Understanding these emotional cycles helps both partners support each other through the intense shifts that come with BDSM relationships.

Responsibility in BDSM Relationships

Both partners carry distinct and vital responsibilities in a BDSM dynamic.

Dominants are responsible for:

• Ensuring the physical, mental, and emotional safety of their submissive
• Communicating clearly, maintaining structure, and avoiding manipulation or abuse
• Creating spaces for growth, discipline, and mutual trust
• Regulating their own emotions and behaviour to remain consistent and fair

Submissives are responsible for:

• Communicating needs, desires, boundaries, and limits openly
• Honouring the structure of the dynamic and participating actively in their role
• Holding dominants accountable by using safe words, feedback, and consent-based negotiation
• Knowing their worth and surrendering only to those who have earned their trust

Responsibility in BDSM isn’t one-sided—it’s a mutual exchange rooted in respect, care, and conscious power dynamics.

Sadism & Masochism (Understanding the psychological and physical aspects)

What It Means to Be a Sadist or Masochist
Sadism and masochism are two complementary roles within BDSM that focus on the consensual exchange of pain or discomfort as a source of erotic, emotional, or psychological pleasure.

A sadist derives satisfaction from inflicting pain, control, or intensity—emotionally or physically. A masochist, in contrast, finds pleasure in receiving that pain or intensity. Both roles require trust, consent, and self-awareness.

Key traits and desires of sadists may include:

• Deriving fulfillment from control, precision, and calculated intensity
• A need to care for and protect the person they’re hurting
• A strong sense of responsibility and emotional connection during play
• Enjoying the physical and psychological reactions of their submissive

Masochists often experience:

• Cathartic release or euphoria through pain or endurance
• A deep craving for intensity, vulnerability, and surrender
• The sense of safety and trust in being “held” through discomfort
• Erotic pleasure triggered by specific sensations, tools, or power dynamics

Not all sadists or masochists are sexually driven—some engage for emotional, psychological, or spiritual reasons. And many people discover they have elements of both roles.

The Ethics of Sadomasochism in BDSM
Because S&M centers around intentional pain or control, it demands a high level of ethical awareness, responsibility, and mutual care. Without this, scenes can become harmful rather than healing.

Core ethical pillars in sadomasochism include:

• Informed Consent: Both parties must fully understand the nature, risks, and limits of the activities involved
• Negotiation: Clear discussions around boundaries, desires, and aftercare are non-negotiable
• Power Balance: Even in a dynamic with control, both partners hold equal value and the ability to withdraw consent
• Aftercare Commitment: Painful or intense scenes require emotional and physical aftercare for both partners

S&M is not about punishment, cruelty, or dominance in the everyday sense—it is about consent, connection, and exploration through sensation and control.

How Pain and Pleasure Interact
Pain and pleasure are deeply linked in the brain. Pain triggers endorphins, adrenaline, and dopamine—all chemicals associated with arousal, bonding, and euphoria.

In S&M scenes, this can create altered states of consciousness such as:

• Subspace: A floaty, trance-like mental state for masochists triggered by intense sensation or submission
• Topspace: A focused, high-energy state for sadists where control, precision, and intensity align
• Catharsis: Emotional release through tears, moaning, or silence during or after pain play
• Euphoria: A mutual high from pushing limits safely and consensually

Each person’s relationship with pain is unique. Some love thuddy impact, others crave stingy sensations. Some respond to psychological torment, while others want heavy bondage or temperature play. Pleasure in pain is as personal as it is powerful.

Safe Ways to Explore S&M Dynamics
Safety in sadomasochism is non-negotiable. Physical, emotional, and psychological safeguards must be in place at all times.

Foundational safety practices include:

• Education: Learn proper techniques (e.g., impact zones, bondage safety, tool care) before play
• Safe Words & Signals: Always agree on clear, respected ways to communicate discomfort or stop play
• Start Low, Go Slow: Build tolerance and trust gradually—especially with pain, fear, or humiliation play
• Aftercare Planning: Both sadists and masochists may need physical comfort, reassurance, hydration, or space to process
• Emotional Check-Ins: Before and after scenes, partners should communicate openly about what worked, what didn’t, and how they feel

Trust, communication, and care are the real tools of S&M—more than whips or restraints. When used responsibly, sadomasochism becomes a playground of deep intimacy, powerful connection, and profound self-discovery.

Aftercare & Emotional Support (How to handle the emotional side of BDSM)  

Why Aftercare Is Important
Aftercare is the intentional act of caring for yourself and your partner after a BDSM scene, especially one involving intense physical, emotional, or psychological play. It’s a non-negotiable part of healthy BDSM relationships.

Scenes—whether impact play, restraint, humiliation, or roleplay—can stir powerful physical reactions and emotional shifts. Aftercare helps both partners return to a grounded, safe, and emotionally connected state.

The benefits of aftercare include:

• Soothing the nervous system after adrenaline, endorphins, or subspace
• Preventing drop, the emotional or physical crash that may follow a scene
• Reinforcing emotional safety and connection between partners
• Processing the experience together, especially if it was intense or vulnerable

Without aftercare, scenes can leave partners feeling abandoned, overwhelmed, or emotionally raw—even if the play was consensual and pleasurable.

Different Types of Aftercare
Aftercare isn’t one-size-fits-all. Different bodies and minds need different forms of nurturing depending on the scene and the people involved.

Common types of aftercare include:

Physical Aftercare

• Warm blankets, cuddling, or being held
• Hydration and snacks (especially after heavy scenes)
• Applying lotion or treating any physical marks
• Resting in a calm, quiet environment

Emotional Aftercare

• Reassurance, affirmations, praise, or soft words
• A listening ear for any feelings that surface post-scene
• Gentle re-connection through touch, conversation, or rituals
• Reminders of safety, trust, and love

Psychological Aftercare

• Allowing space to talk through intense roleplay, humiliation, or fear play
• Grounding exercises, journaling, or alone time if needed
• Reassuring identity or reality when scenes involved degradation or mindfuck play
• Ongoing check-ins over the following hours or days

Each person’s needs are different, and they can vary from scene to scene.

How to Communicate Your Aftercare Needs
Just like boundaries and desires, aftercare needs should be clearly communicated before a scene.

Healthy ways to express aftercare needs include:

• Negotiating during pre-scene discussions what helps you feel safe and grounded afterward
• Describing your past experiences, especially if you’ve had drop or emotional crashes
• Using aftercare checklists or agreements to outline preferences
• Checking in post-scene to update or revise what’s needed depending on how you feel

Aftercare is a two-way street—it’s about expressing what you need and being receptive to your partner’s needs in return.

How Dominants Also Need Aftercare
Dominants are often expected to be strong, composed, and emotionally solid. But they are just as human—and just as vulnerable to emotional shifts after scenes.

Common aftercare needs for Dominants may include:

• Processing top drop, guilt, or fatigue after intense control
• Receiving words of affirmation or gratitude from their submissive
• Physical touch or affection to soothe adrenaline and tension
• Quiet time to unwind, reflect, or emotionally decompress
• Verbal reassurance that their actions were appreciated, welcomed, and consensual

Dominants give a lot of emotional, mental, and physical energy in scenes. Supporting them is part of the mutual care that defines BDSM.

Aftercare isn’t just recovery—it’s intimacy. It’s how power exchange becomes connection, and how vulnerability becomes strength.

Week 5 Summary:

This week cracked open the heart and mind of BDSM, revealing just how layered and intimate this dynamic truly is. It wasn’t about the ropes or the rituals—it was about the people inside them. Their emotions, their motivations, their responsibilities, and their power.

Understanding the psychology of both Dominants and submissives brought a deeper respect for what this lifestyle demands—not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. These roles aren’t just fantasies we slip into; they’re identities we build, nurture, and sometimes wrestle with. They come with expectations, trust, self-awareness, and an ever-evolving sense of responsibility.

For submissives, it’s not about weakness or passivity—it’s about power through surrender, intention in obedience, and strength in vulnerability. For Dominants, it’s not about control for its own sake—it’s about leading with care, holding space for trust, and embodying consistency, patience, and emotional intelligence.

This week reminded me that the mind is the most potent tool in kink. Power exchange begins there, long before the first word is spoken or the first command is given. When psychology and emotion are honored, the dynamic becomes not just play—but transformation.

Xoxo

Nirvana

Pretty😊...just like ME 🥰 One day it will be My Daddy writing it out...I'll just decorate it😋🤩😍

Week 4: Kinks, Types of Play & Toys

This week is all about diving deep into the flavors of BDSM—the different types of play, how kinks and fetishes work, and how to incorporate toys safely and responsibly. Understanding these elements not only helps expand your experiences but ensures you're playing within the boundaries of safety, consent, and shared pleasure.

Understanding Kinks & Fetishes

What is a Kink vs. a Fetish?

Kink and fetish are two words that often dance together in conversations about sexuality, but they aren’t exactly twins.

• A kink is any sexual interest that falls outside of what society might label as "vanilla" (the standard, "typical" sex acts like missionary, oral, etc.). Think spanking, bondage, roleplay — delicious little spices that make intimacy even more exciting. 
• A fetish, on the other hand, is a deeper, often necessary fixation. It’s when a specific object, material, body part, or act becomes essential for someone’s sexual arousal. For example, someone with a leather fetish might find that touching, seeing, or smelling leather is crucial for them to even get there.

Simple way to remember it, princess?
➔ Kink = "Mmm, that's hot."
➔ Fetish = "I need this to feel turned on."

Neither is wrong. Neither is weird.
They're just parts of the complicated, messy, beautiful playground that is human desire.

Common Kinks and Their Appeal

There’s a whole buffet of kinks out there, each one appealing for different reasons — psychological, emotional, physical, or even just because it feels damn good. Here are a few that often pop up:

• Bondage (BDSM): Being tied up or restrained. Appeals to the thrill of giving up control or savoring power dynamics.
• Impact Play: Spanking, flogging, paddling — that delicious sting and endorphin rush. Appeals to pain/pleasure crossover and power exchange.
• Roleplay: Acting out scenarios like teacher/student, boss/employee, etc. Appeals to creativity, taboo exploration, and shifting of power roles.
• Sensory Play: Blindfolds, feathers, wax play. Appeals to heightening one sense by limiting others, making touch intoxicating.
• Breath Play: Controlled restriction of air for short moments. Appeals to adrenaline, trust, and surrender 
• Foot Worship: Adoration of feet. Appeals to the symbolic lowering of power or focus on "unusual" erogenous zones.
• Exhibitionism/Voyeurism: The thrill of being watched or watching. Appeals to risk, exposure, and sometimes dominance/submission dynamics.

The key appeal?
Power. Trust. Surrender. Thrill.

Exploring Your Kinks Safely

• Self-Discovery: Before you play with others, get curious on your own. Read, fantasize, journal about what makes your body tingle and your heart race.
• Negotiation: Always, always discuss kinks with a partner before diving in. Talk limits, expectations, safe words, aftercare needs. It’s not "unsexy" — it’s mature as hell.
• Start Light: If you're exploring a kink for the first time, start with the soft version of it. Example: light spanking with a hand before trying paddles or crops.
• Use Safe Words: Make sure you and your partner have clear, easy safe words (like "yellow" for slow down, "red" for stop). 
• Continuous Consent: Consent is ongoing. You can revoke it anytime. If something feels wrong, stop. 
• Aftercare: Especially after intense scenes, your body and emotions may feel raw. Build in aftercare — cuddling, water, soothing words, blankets — whatever you need to feel whole again.

Bottom line?
Exploring kinks isn’t about pushing yourself to the brink. It’s about expanding pleasure safely, mindfully, and with lots of delicious moans in between

Types of Play in BDSM

Sensory Play

(Deprivation, Stimulation, Temperature, etc.)

Sensory play involves manipulating the five senses — sight, touch, sound, taste, and smell — to intensify sensations and heighten arousal. By either overloading or depriving one or more senses, participants can create unique and powerful experiences that enhance intimacy and vulnerability.

Examples of sensory play include:

• Blindfolds: Depriving sight increases sensitivity to touch and sound.
• Earplugs or noise-canceling headphones: Reduces auditory input, forcing greater focus on bodily sensations.
• Temperature play: Using items like ice cubes, wax, or warmed oils to shock and soothe the skin.
• Tactile stimulation: Feathers, Wartenberg wheels, or textured fabrics tease and stimulate the skin.

Sensory play is about deepening the connection between partners and creating a heightened awareness of every sensation.

Impact Play

(Spanking, Flogging, Caning, etc.)

Impact play refers to any form of BDSM where one person strikes another for physical and/or emotional stimulation. It ranges from light, playful taps to heavier, more intense strikes, depending on the dynamic and negotiated limits.

Common tools used in impact play include:

• Hands: For spanking and slapping, providing direct and personal connection.
• Floggers: Multi-tailed tools that can create a variety of sensations, from soft and thuddy to sharp and stinging.
• Crops and Canes: Tools that deliver precise, sharper impacts for those who enjoy stingier sensations.
• Paddles: Broader surfaces that can distribute impact more widely, offering a different feel depending on material and weight.

Impact play can release endorphins, deepen trust, and create physical reminders of the scene through marks, which many find emotionally and erotically satisfying.

Bondage and Restraint Play

(Shibari, Cuffs, Spreader Bars, etc.)

Bondage and restraint play involves restricting a partner’s movement, either partially or fully. It emphasizes surrender, control, vulnerability, and trust between partners.

Popular bondage methods and tools include:

• Shibari: A Japanese form of artistic rope bondage that combines intricate patterns with emotional and erotic restraint.
• Cuffs: Leather, suede, or faux-fur cuffs are beginner-friendly tools used to restrain wrists or ankles.
• Spreader Bars: Rigid bars that attach to wrists or ankles to keep the limbs separated, exposing the body and heightening vulnerability.

Bondage play can be decorative, functional, sexual, or psychological, and often combines both physical and mental elements of domination and submission.

Psychological Play

(CNC, Fear Play, Mindfuck, etc.)

Psychological play focuses on the mind rather than physical sensations. It uses mental and emotional stimulation to create intense experiences that often blur the lines between fantasy and reality.

Examples of psychological play include:

• CNC (Consensual Non-Consent): Roleplaying scenarios that mimic non-consensual situations but are fully negotiated and agreed upon beforehand.
• Fear Play: Introducing elements of controlled fear (such as suspense, pursuit, or threats within negotiated limits) to heighten adrenaline and arousal.
• Mindfuck: Deliberately manipulating a partner’s perceptions, emotions, or expectations to create surprise, confusion, anticipation, or vulnerability.

Psychological play requires deep trust, communication, and aftercare, as it often taps into profound emotional and mental layers.

Incorporating Toys into BDSM Play

How to Choose the Right Toys for Your Play Style

Choosing the right toys begins with understanding your personal interests, limits, and the type of sensations you enjoy. Different toys create different physical and psychological effects, so aligning your choices with your style of play is important.

Key tips for selecting toys:

• Identify your interests: Are you drawn to impact, sensory deprivation, bondage, or something else? Choose toys that match the experiences you want to explore.
• Start simple: Especially for beginners, it’s best to start with basic toys like soft restraints, blindfolds, or beginner paddles before advancing to more intense tools.
• Focus on quality: Look for toys made with body-safe materials such as medical-grade silicone, stainless steel, leather, or high-quality rope.
• Test sensations: Some stores allow testing of textures or sample demonstrations. Getting a feel for a toy before buying can help prevent mismatched expectations.

Choosing toys thoughtfully enhances safety, pleasure, and emotional connection between partners.

Safe Use of BDSM Toys

(Gags, Restraints, Vibrators, etc.)

Safety is critical when incorporating toys into BDSM scenes. Using toys improperly can cause physical harm, emotional distress, or unintended risks.

Important safety considerations include:

• Communication: Discuss toy use, intentions, limits, and safewords before starting a scene.
• Body awareness: Avoid areas that can be easily damaged, like the kidneys, joints, or neck (unless specifically trained for advanced play).
• Gag use: Always monitor breathing when using gags. Never leave a gagged partner unattended, and establish non-verbal safewords or signals.
• Restraints: Make sure cuffs or ropes are not cutting off circulation. Check for signs like numbness, tingling, or discoloration during bondage play.
• Vibrators and insertables: Only use toys designed for internal use inside the body. Check for flared bases when using anal toys to prevent accidents.

Taking the time to use toys safely deepens trust and keeps both partners relaxed and focused on the pleasure of the experience.

Cleaning and Maintaining Toys

Proper cleaning and maintenance of toys are essential for health, hygiene, and the longevity of your collection.

Basic toy care practices include:

• Follow manufacturer instructions: Different materials require different cleaning methods. Always refer to the toy’s guide first.
• Use mild soap and warm water: For non-porous materials like silicone, glass, and stainless steel, simple cleaning with unscented antibacterial soap and water is often sufficient.
• Use toy cleaners: Specialized sex toy cleaners can be convenient and are formulated to be safe for sensitive materials.
• Sterilize when necessary: Some toys, like silicone or stainless steel, can be boiled (if there are no electrical components) for deep sterilization.
• Proper storage: Keep toys in individual storage bags or cases to avoid material degradation. Store them in cool, dry places away from direct sunlight.

Regular cleaning protects you from infections and keeps your toys safe for long-term, repeated use.

Week 4 Summary:

Kinks, Types of Play, and Toys

This week was such an exciting dive into the heart of what makes BDSM so endlessly diverse and personal. Exploring kinks, types of play, and toys felt like pulling back the curtain on how beautifully tailored this world can be to individual desires. It’s not about fitting into someone else’s fantasy—it’s about discovering, honoring, and owning your own.

Learning the difference between a kink and a fetish helped me realize how varied and valid our interests are. There’s no “normal” here—only personal truths that deserve to be explored with care and excitement. Whether it’s the thrill of sensory deprivation, the adrenaline of impact play, the intimacy of bondage, or the deep psychological dance of mind games, every type of play offers a different window into connection, trust, and pleasure.

And the toys... oh, the toys! There’s an art to choosing them, a responsibility to using them safely, and a devotion to caring for them properly. It’s not just about the object itself—it’s about the experience it unlocks. 

Xoxo

Nirvana

Felt cute with my bunny ears🐇 and my freshly spanked ass🍑😊...sitting is going to be...Interesting 🤭😉

When I first started exploring kink, I remember wishing someone would just hand me a list of all the right questions — the real ones — the ones that go deeper than 'what’s your favorite color?'

This list is a compilation of questions I wish I had back then. Some of them I found through my own research (thank you, late-night Google rabbit holes), some I picked up from conversations with more experienced kinksters, and some I created myself based on what I realized I needed to know.

Whether you’re new to kink, exploring D/s dynamics, or just wanting to build deeper, more intentional connections — I hope these questions help you the way I needed help once, too.

Take what serves you. Leave what doesn’t. Make it yours

         A. Background & Life Basics

1. Are you currently monogamous or polyamorous?
2. Have you been married before?
3. Are you divorced or widowed?
4. Do you have any children?
5. Do you live alone or with someone?
6. What does your day-to-day life look like?
7. What’s your relationship with your family like?
   
   B. BDSM Lifestyle Experience & Dominant Style
8. How long have you been active in BDSM?
9. How did you get into the lifestyle?
10. What type of Dominant do you identify as?
11. Do you enjoy dynamics that involve Littles or have a caregiver/daddy urge to nurture and guide?
12. Do you currently have any submissives?
13. Have you had a 24/7 submissive before?
14. What kind of dynamic are you looking for?
15. Do you believe in contracts or prefer informal dynamics?
16. How long do you usually take for negotiation before starting a dynamic?
17. What is your negotiation process like?
    
    C. Play, Punishment, & Reward Structure
18. What are your hard limits?
19. What are your soft limits?
20. How do you handle safe words and consent mid-scene?
21. How often do you like to play?
22. How often would you want to see me?
23. Do you engage in online or distance-based dynamics, or only in-person?
24. What are your thoughts on discipline and punishment?
25. How do you come up with punishments?
26. What types of punishments do you prefer to give?
27. What are your thoughts on reward-based submission?
28. How do you come up with rewards for good behavior?
    
    D. Emotional Connection, Aftercare, and Conflict
29. How do you provide aftercare?
30. How do you like to receive aftercare, if at all?
31. How do you manage conflict in a dynamic?
32. Are you short-tempered or more patient when conflict arises?
33. How do you handle a submissive who has a freeze or shutdown response?
34. Are you open to trauma-aware dynamics?
35. Do you have experience dealing with subs who are neurodivergent or emotionally complex?
    
    E. Protocol, Control, and Lifestyle Integration
36. Would you ever involve another Dominant or submissive in our play or dynamic?
37. Are you open to attending BDSM events or parties together?
38. Do you journal, track, or log your submissive's progress?
39. Do you create rules, rituals, and structure for your submissive?
40. Would you expect a high-protocol or low-protocol dynamic?
41. Do you want control over things like clothing, speech, behavior, or routine?
42. Would you expect me to maintain daily rituals like check-ins, kneeling, goodnight messages, etc.?
43. Do you believe in collaring a submissive? If so, what does that mean to you?
44. What are your views on ownership and marking (temporary or permanent)?
45. Do you expect exclusivity in kink, romance, or both?
46. Are you okay with your submissive having vanilla friendships?
47. How would you support your submissive during periods where they can’t play (emotional/mental breaks, menstruation, etc.)?
48. How involved would you want to be in my personal goals, mental health, or daily decisions?
49. What vanilla (non-kink) activities would you want to share with me in our dynamic?
50. How far does your dominance extend outside the bedroom/play scenes?
51. Would you expect me to come to you for advice or guidance when I’m going through personal, emotional, or life-related struggles?
52. Do you want me to share everyday parts of my life with you—wins, stress, career things, family, etc.?
53. Would you eventually want a 24/7 dynamic with cohabitation or moving in together?
54. Do you have any expectations or boundaries that haven’t already been covered?
    
    F. Long-Term Vision
55. Are you open to building a long-term dynamic, or are you looking for something temporary?
56. Would you ever consider a 24/7 ownership or Total Power Exchange relationship?
57. Are you looking for a dynamic that includes romance, or strictly D/s?
58. How do you balance kink and everyday life?
59. Do you think Dom/sub dynamics change over time? If so, how do you handle that?

 I hope these will help you

xoxo

Nirvana 

Resilience isn’t always loud. Sometimes it’s the way you choose to stand in your light, even when shadows show up uninvited.

I’ve asked myself this question a hundred times. "What would I do if I saw him in public?" It sounds dramatic, I know. But if you've ever had someone touch your life and then leave behind a trail of fire, you'll understand.

We live in the “same” area. We frequent the same mall. And when we were together, we had a discussion and shared how we both want to be more active in the lifestyle, to show up in the kink scene, on platforms, and in the community. So, the thought of running into him? Very real. During the 30-day no-contact period, I rehearsed scenarios in my head. Bumping into him? I told myself I’d keep it casual, keep it moving. Done. Easy.

But then new truths surfaced, things changed, and so did my mental rehearsals. Now, it wasn’t just about seeing him—it was about seeing them. Him and her. At the mall. At a kink party. The thought made me want to disappear into the floor. I spiralled through endless "what ifs," because that's what overthinkers do—we build every scenario, even the impossible ones, just in case.

And then, life being the little trickster it is, threw me a curveball. Not the mall. Not a party.

But rather, I received a call from my boss, she called out the number asked me to take it down and give them a call and ask for help on a case, and I did. I dialled the number no answer, *shrug shoulder* “I’ll just call again later, they were most probably busy.”  And I went about my morning, only to receive a call I answered as usual. Only for the person on the other end to introduce themself.

It was him.

 # Pause for Dramatic drums# DUN DUN DUUUUUNNN!!!

My jaw hit the floor. But on the outside? I played it cool. Gave him the rundown, got the info I needed, ended the call. Then I gaslit myself for the next 24 hours. Told myself maybe I imagined it. Maybe I misheard his name. Maybe I am going crazy…I know what he sounds like. And that didn’t sound like him, that person sounded so cold and distant. It definitely was not him I am officially CRAZY, I thought to myself.

But the universe doesn’t play jokes. I called again the next day, heart clenched tight in my chest, voice shaky letting the storm churning inside me come out. I asked him to confirm his name. He did. And in that moment, the truth crashed down on me like a wave—undeniable, heavy, real. My stomach flipped, my breath caught, and yet, I didn’t crumble, not entirely really, my voice was definitely shaky and breathless, but I pushed on, got to the point of why I actually called.

That second call left me feeling tense. It reminded me of how toxic professional relationships can become when personal history lingers. I’ve been there before—working with an ex, trying to fake normalcy after a terrible break up, it didn’t matter at the time because we were on opposite sides of the building and worked in different departments. But company changed departments merged, offices moved and there I was working closely with him. The cracks were visible from the beginning, my tone was different with him, my answers clipped and so were his. It was a terrible experience to say the least and I promised myself I would never put myself through that again.

So, I reached out..

“Hi, Nirvana here, I hope you are well, sorry to message so late, its been a busy day.

 I just wanted to acknowledge that when I called yesterday, I genuinely didn’t know it was you I was contacting. That said, even if I had known, it wouldn’t have changed anything—I would’ve still reached out because this is about work, and I’m committed to doing my job well. I just wanted to put it out there, that I am coming into this space with no tension or hard feelings. Any hard feelings are separate from this and in general because there aren't any such "Hard" feelings anymore. I truly hope we can work together respectfully and professionally despite everything, and build a healthy, light and positive work dynamic moving forward.

Mkay, keep well”

I messaged with no expectation, I was not hoping for an answer or anything of that sort and I still don’t. I did it for myself, I didn’t want awkward silence or forced professionalism. It was all for me, I’m a bubbly person, I’m engaging and fun when talking with clients and service providers. That’s how I work best. I wasn’t going to dim that part of me to accommodate discomfort rooted in a shared past. So, I sent the message.

And you know what? I felt lighter. Not because I am waiting for him to respond or not respond But because I did what I needed to do. I chose me. I chose my peace. My growth. My professionalism. My wholeness.

That message felt liberating, it was a moment of emotional bravery, of choosing my inner peace over fear or pride. I set my stance and was not afraid of it. And I felt powerful, not because I just messaged him per say, but I showed up for myself.I have always been what we all call the classic "push over", I will put my comfort and peace at risk because I don’t want to inconvenience the next person, or I will not stand on my boundary so I can be accommodating of that person. Before I sent the message, I was eating myself up with overthinking and “what if he” but I asked myself “What if I put myself and how I feel first?”. And that did it for me, this whole incident can be looked at as a ripple effect, I showed up for myself, I showed myself that I can take up space for myself and that I can control certain things and situations, and that was an amazing feeling.

This is about me. It’s about resilience—the quiet, unwavering kind that grows in the aftermath. It’s about all the ways I’ve stitched myself back together, stronger at the seams. It’s about the woman who sent that message not with hope, not with fear, but with resolve. That was a moment of power, of choosing clarity and self-respect over silence. That’s resilience. It's about showing up for myself in situations that once scared the hell out of me. It's about acknowledging that the things I once feared are no longer bigger than me. I didn’t run. I didn’t hide. I stayed. I faced it.

It’s about the woman I’ve become—confident, grounded, self-aware. It’s about honouring how far I’ve come and how deeply I’ve committed to my healing. It’s about recognizing the way I’ve learned to lead with both strength and softness. It’s about learning to let go—not with bitterness, but with grace.

It’s about me learning to hold space for my joy again. My laughter. My radiance.

This is growth. This is healing. This is power.

To anyone reading this, wondering if they’ll ever feel stronger, more whole, more at peace— you will. Maybe not today. But someday soon, you’ll do something that used to scare you, and you’ll realize you made it. You’re doing it.

Resilience isn’t loud. Sometimes it looks like a quiet phone call—the kind you make even when your heart is thudding in your chest, or even how you refuse to let the past control the present. It’s not always grand or visible, but it damn is powerful.

Xoxo
Nirvana