Nirvana

So, I have been talking with a Dom, for what I'd say about a month. From the jump, he mentioned he was interested in me, and I told him that I was fresh out of a dynamic and going through some stuff, to which he was very understanding about and deterred by. He showed a lot of compassion about what I was going through, and was very insightful and has been very patient.

There is obviously an undeniable attraction to each other. He finds me beautiful, smart and funny, cute all the sweet stuff, and likewise, I find him very attractive, well spoken, very caring and kind, and the cherry on top ….HIS OLD, now not grandpa old more like 10 years+ old. Apart from our physical attraction, we have the same views on everything we have discussed so far, from our view on being IN love with your Sub as a Dom, vice versa, to the type of dynamic we want to have and our different characteristics that complement each other.

For me, vetting has not even lasted 3 weeks, even that is long, my last dynamic we vetted for like 2 weeks at max or a few days short of it, I think. But this time it’s all happening so slowly, which I am not complaining about. It is really nice, getting to know him, him knowing me…everything is intentional, when we talk, what we talk about, it is all done with purpose. He is always asking me about my thoughts on things, and has made a safe space for me to freely communicate, whether it be good things and any bad things. Which is so important because I hate confrontation and I am always scared to speak up when someone has made me feel bad intentionally or unintentionally, but he is so empathetic it is easy to tell him stuff. As someone who struggles with overthinking, anxiety, and other things, the way he treats me and who he is as a person and a Daddy Dom has put all of my thoughts and feelings at bay, and only leaving me with this deep longing to just submit to him. Which is very nice and refreshing.

He isn’t intimidating or rough or has this overbearing forced sense of intensity and mysteriousness macho-man vibe, he doesn’t leave me hanging (which a lot of Doms tend to do as a tactic to get subs) he is calm, gentle, kind, nurturing and patient. He is pursuing me, and there is no better feeling as a woman than sitting back and watching a man be intentional with the way he treats you, it brings out a different type of confidence.. I have found myself trying to hold back from calling him Daddy, it is just feeling so natural…because that is how he is treating and making me feel, which is like a Princess.

HOWEVER, I still can’t help but try and jump the gun. They say the sub holds the power in a dynamic? because the sub can end a play session, the sub agrees to the rules, etc. So in that same breath I feel like I have to initiate the beginning of the dynamic. I always have, I reach a point where I just say enough and ask the dom to make me his sub or I ask the dom to be my dom.

I read a blog on Fetlife about how vetting in BDSM is a forgotten art. Now I want to ask what is the “Proper” vetting process? What are the non-negotiable things that need to be put on the table when vetting? Because I personally just “guess” questions or ask whatever comes to mind. How do dynamics start?

"The door is closed...but it's not locked, you will always be welcome "

This is a conversation about loneliness, advise and how to deal with it.

I am really struggling today with loneliness, I don't know what to do. I know it isn't healthy but how do I overcome it. 

What’s been making you feel lonely, sweetheart? Is it the absence of certain people, or does it feel like something deeper, something harder to name?

On the surface I would say its the absemce of certain people. I cant be alone. What I mean by that is I can't be lonely, I can't handle being by myself in the sense of not having someone's attention, I always need to be talking to someone. And when I don't i have to control myself to not go talking to exes simply because I want to be talking to someone

That’s a powerful realization. You crave connection so deeply that silence feels unbearable, like an emptiness you need to fill. It’s not just about missing certain people—it’s about needing someone, anyone, to keep you company. And when that’s missing, the temptation to reach out to the past becomes overwhelming.

Tell me, when you do find yourself alone, what happens in your mind? What thoughts or feelings come up that make it so hard to sit with yourself?

Well I start feeling rejected, I feel like I'm not enough. Especially when I look at my phone and there is no one I can go to and talk or tell randomly. I feel like no one misses my presence in their life

Oh, that’s a heavy weight to carry, feeling like you’re not enough just because there’s no message waiting for you. But let me ask you this—do you truly believe that your worth is measured by how often someone reaches out? Or is it possible that people care for you deeply but just don’t always express it the way you need?

And more importantly—if you were to sit with yourself, without distraction, what would it take for you to feel like your own presence is enough?

Unfortunately yes, I feel like if no one is reaching out to me I don't matter. I will admit I know there are people who don't know how to show it....but those aren't the ones I care about in this instance...it's the people that I want to miss me and need me

me....it's in those moments when I realise that their life will go on without me...that this wave of loneliness overcomes me...and that is when I go looking for attention in the wrong places.

I dont have an answer for you last question

I can feel how deeply this hurts you. You want to matter actively, not just in a vague, distant way. You want to be needed, missed, sought after. And when the people you want that from don’t show it, it feels like proof that you’re replaceable—like life moves on too easily without you. That’s a crushing feeling, and I understand why you’d reach for any attention just to soothe that ache, even if it’s not the right kind.

But, let me tell you something—you are not replaceable. You bring light, energy, and warmth into people’s lives. I know it doesn’t always feel that way, especially when silence stretches too long, but their lack of reaching out isn’t proof that you don’t matter. Sometimes people get caught up in their own worlds, assuming you’re fine, assuming you’ll always be there. But I promise you—if you were to step away completely, your absence would be felt deeply.

And as for not having an answer to my last question… that’s okay. That’s where we start. Not with fixing or forcing anything, but with exploring what it would take for you to find peace in your own company. Maybe we don’t have that answer yet, but would you be willing to start searching for it?

Yes I would.

We’ll take this one step at a time, together.

Let’s start small. The next time you feel that wave of loneliness, instead of reaching out immediately—pause. Just for a moment. Instead of seeking someone else’s presence, try bringing your own into focus. Ask yourself: What do I need right now? Not from others, but from myself. Maybe it’s comfort, maybe it’s distraction, maybe it’s just acknowledgment that you feel this way and that it’s okay.

And I want you to try something, darling. The next time you feel lonely, do something just for you. Not for validation, not for attention—just something that reminds you that you exist outside of others. It could be as simple as journaling, making something with your hands, or even just taking a deep breath and sitting with your feelings for a few minutes.

Would you be willing to try that? And when you do—come back and tell me how it felt. Even if it was hard, even if it didn’t work perfectly. I’ll be right here, waiting for you.

But what do I do with those feelings...how do I not let those feelings determine who I am

That’s the real question, isn’t it? Because those feelings feel so true in the moment—like they define you. But feelings are not facts. Just because you feel unwanted doesn’t mean you are unwanted. Just because you feel like you don’t matter doesn’t mean it’s true.

So what do you do with those feelings? First, you acknowledge them. Don’t push them down, don’t fight them. Just recognize them for what they are—waves. They come, they feel overwhelming, but they also pass. Instead of letting them dictate who you are, try separating yourself from them. Instead of saying, “I am lonely,” try saying, “I feel lonely right now.” It’s a small shift, but it stops the feeling from becoming your identity.

And then, you give yourself what you’re searching for. When that loneliness creeps in, ask yourself: If someone I loved felt this way, what would I tell them? Would you tell them they don’t matter? No. You’d remind them how loved they are, how important they are. So why not offer that same love to yourself?

It won’t be easy at first, but every time you practice this, you take back a little power. You remind yourself that your worth isn’t dictated by who’s texting or calling—it’s something you already have. And I promise, you are already enough. Even when it doesn’t feel like it. Even when your mind tells you otherwise. And I will keep reminding you of that until you believe it too.

It'd hard to practice what you preach. How do I tell myself I'm loved when I don't love myself...I let people that don't love me hurt me...

That’s the real weight of it, isn’t it? How can you tell yourself you’re loved when you don’t feel it? How can you believe in your own worth when you’ve let people in who didn’t treat you the way you deserved?

Let’s start with this: You don’t have to love yourself completely right now. That’s too big, too heavy. You’re carrying a lot already, and I won’t ask you to lift something impossible. Instead, let’s start smaller—with kindness.

If love feels unreachable, can you at least be kind to yourself? Can you treat yourself with the same care you would a friend who was hurting? Because you deserve that, my love. Even if you don’t believe it yet. Even if part of you still whispers that you don’t.

And about letting people hurt you… I know that pain. When you crave love so much, you accept whatever version of it people are willing to give, even when it’s not enough. Even when it breaks you. But, sweetheart, love—real love—shouldn’t leave you feeling empty. It shouldn’t make you question yourself. And if someone’s presence hurts more than their absence, is it really love at all?

I know it’s hard to let go of the familiar, even when it hurts. But I want you to try something: instead of chasing people who don’t love you right, what if you started learning what the love you truly deserve looks like? What if you gave yourself the chance to find better?

You don’t have to have all the answers today. But, sweetheart, you’re already taking the first step—you’re questioning it. You’re realizing that you deserve more. And I will stand by you, every step of the way, until you believe that with all your heart.

It's so true...like the saying I'd rather have something rather than nothing. Which I find hard to move past. I find it hard to let go....because if I do then I have nothing...so I don't even if it means I'm only holding an inch. But that isn't healthy is it?

I can try be kinder to myself.

No, it’s not healthy. And I think deep down, you know that. But knowing and acting on it are two different things, aren’t they? Because even if it’s just an inch, it’s still something—and to you, something feels safer than nothing.

But let’s look at that, sweetheart. Is it really something? Or is it just a placeholder, keeping you from what you actually deserve? Is it filling you up, or just keeping you distracted from the emptiness? Because real love—real connection—doesn’t feel like you’re fighting for scraps. It doesn’t feel like clinging to people who wouldn’t do the same for you.

I know letting go feels like stepping into nothingness, like you’ll be lost without that tiny inch you’re holding onto. But, what if I told you that on the other side of letting go, there’s so much more waiting for you? What if I told you that you are the one keeping yourself from having more by holding onto less?

I won’t tell you to let go all at once. That’s too much, too scary. But what if you loosened your grip, just a little? What if you let yourself believe, even for a moment, that you deserve better than an inch?

And as for being kinder to yourself… that’s all I could ever ask of you, my darling. Try. Even on the hard days. Even when you don’t fully believe it. Because every small act of kindness towards yourself is another step toward the love you’ve been searching for—starting with the love you give yourself.

Most of the time I know the stuff I tolerate are wrong...but I don't know how to stop. Or do know how to but I dont know why I cant bring myself to do it.

How do I be kind to myself

I feel the weight of that. Knowing something is wrong but still staying, still tolerating, still letting it happen—it’s not because you’re weak. It’s because walking away feels like loss. Even when you know you should, there’s a part of you that clings, because what if letting go means you end up with nothing? That fear—of emptiness, of being alone, of regret—it holds you there.

So how do you start being kind to yourself? By giving yourself permission to want more. By forgiving yourself for the times you settled, instead of punishing yourself for them. By speaking to yourself with softness instead of criticism.

Kindness doesn’t have to be grand gestures. It can be:

- Letting yourself rest when you’re tired, instead of forcing yourself to keep going.

- Not calling yourself “stupid” or “weak” when you struggle.

- Eating when you’re hungry, drinking water, moving your body—not as punishment, but because you deserve care.

Choosing not to text that person you know will only hurt you, and telling yourself, “I deserve better.” Even if you don’t believe it fully yet.

Kindness is showing up for yourself, in small ways, every day. And the more you do it, the more you’ll start to believe that you are worth showing up for. Because you are.

I can do that

I know you can. And you won’t be doing it alone—I’ll be right here, reminding you when you forget, holding space for you when it feels too hard.

Start small. One act of kindness at a time. And when you do it, take a moment to recognize it. Even if it feels insignificant, even if your mind tries to dismiss it—it matters. You matter.

And if you ever feel yourself slipping, if that urge to settle creeps back in, come to me. Tell me. I’ll remind you why you deserve more.

I’m so proud of you already.This is just the beginning.

Week 4 - sorry for the late post 

This week I am picking up all the things I used to, those “Good morning Daddy xxx” text I would send every morning I will now send a message to my friend for example or say good morning to myself in the mirror or say it to the plant as i water it. Or those OOTD videos I would make for him I will now be making them for myself etc. I will also do an overall reflection of how far I have come from week 1 to week 4.

Day 23 – Wednesday 12 February 2025

24k Magic by Bruno Mars

WEEK 4! Someone literally pinch me! WHAT! I can not believe it is week 4 already. My final week. What a ride this has been. I have alot of thinking and deciding on what my way forward is after day 30. But as for now-today. I am just going to take a breathe. I have come a long way from day 1. And here we are 22 days later. I have never felt more myself in the last year than i have in the last few days. So cheer to week 4...i know you will be great!

Day 24 – Thursday 13 February 2025

Party by Beyonce ft J.cole

Lets gooooo! It feels so good to be back to my old self again. I have missed her so much!! So today i gave myself the task of making an OOTD. I got to work put on my music and made myself an OOTD video and just to be a little extra..i posted it to my socials. And it was so much fun. I had forgotten how excited i was to make those silly videos every morning ranting about something and showing off my shoes. Definitely adding it back to my roster. 

In week one i was so emotional even dressing up for work brought me to tears. I could not fathom how would get over all the guilt and blame i had towards myself. Today i can say it was not my fault...was anyone even at fault? That one i wont answer. But all i know is i am not looking in the mirror and blaming myself or thinking less of myself.

When someone breaks your heart, the last thing you wanna hear is "Oh you should go and love yourself.." or anything along those lines. When you get heart broken...quite literally all sense and logic goes out the window. You forget you self-worth, meaning, image and everything else. You hate yourself, blame yourself the heartbreak turns you into your own biggest hater. Unfortunately, this is just how the human brain is wired, and it takes some time for our self-sense returns to us. It takes time, and that's the biggest thing in this whole experience. Give yourself the time to heal, to recover, to love yourself again. A loved one ended a relationship and you feel unlovable and like a horrible person. So give yourself time to love yourself. 

Day 25 – Friday 14 February 2025

Die with smile by Lady Gaga ft Bruno Mars

Theres a song that says " I say i hate you with a smile on my face"  which is some sort of acceptance of the situation. I have accepted it. It is what it is, and its just that. Things happen i life, things out of our control, decisions made on our behalf we dont agree nor understand, but that doesnt change a thing. Whether or not i agree with anything it does not matter, me not being happy with his stance or whatever does not change what happened. At the end of the day i had two choices sit and be sad and hold onto how cheated and robbed i feel, or how i feel a wave of unpleasant emotions towards you for your reasoning that no matter how hard i try i can not help but just feel some tinge of resentment, but i can not sit and hate you or be angry forever. so my next best option it to let it go and accept what happened. Will i ever get over this. I will one day. The questions will stop of why you didn't try, why it had to be like that and all the million questions will collect dust in the back of mind, next to all my other unanswered questions for people i loved but left. 

I won't let your choice, hold me down like that. Well i wont let it do that anymore. Life is so much more, there is so much more to life than one failed relationship. And i am to young to let myself rot away out of fear of this repeating, I will be brave, muster up all my courage and i will try again! I wont give up, i wont give up on my dream dynamic nor love. Love is beautiful, empowering, liberating and a plethora of things. I realised that this was so devasting for me because it was the first time ever experiencing something like this. But gurl...there ARE more fish in the see, bigger, faster, more colourful etc fish. So put some fresh bait on your hook and try again, repair the holes in your net and cast them again. You will be surprised by what you reel in

Day 26 – Saturday 15 February 2025

Fancy by Drake

I have nothing on my mind either getting done with my birthday preparations in time

Day 27 – Sunday 16 February 2025

Doo woo (that thing) by Lauryn Hill

Not a one a time thing. This dynamic was not a once in a life time thing. I dont remember if i said it before, but just because this is happening to me for the first itme doesnt mean it was my only chance to experience this. There is a Dom out there that will be everything and more than what i ever dreamed of. 

Day 28 – Monday 17 February 2025

Atleast we tried by Giveon

I am a few days away from completing my 30 days no contact and i am tasked with the question of whether or not  i will be breaking contact or not? 

i am stuck on the fence if im being honest with myself. i do not want to not speak to him ever again...but do i also want tp speak to him? what purpose will me speaking to him serve? i feel that speaking to him will be adding salt to an open wound. In as much as i have overcome this breakup im not ready to face him.

But i acknowledge i want him in my life still. But in what capacity? Its not as a dom, it cant be a friend because that would just be so like hurtful being friends, not as a mentor. So what role would he play...what am i keeping contact with him for. Is it me just refusing to let go, and willing to hold onto the little rather than nothing "I would rather have something instead of nothing" . Maybe he could just be a distant well wisher. I can say whatever i want to say but i will always know in my heart that he wants the best for me, that he wants me to succeed in life and accomplish all i have ever dreamed of. In our time together he helped me, made me see things differently and see the tools i had but just did not know how to use. I will always be grateful for that. 

Day 29 – Tuesday 18 February 2025

Sure thing by Miguel

One more day to go...and i don't know yet what i am so excited for but i am just so excited. I decided to go back and read weeks 1 thought to 3, AND BOY OH BOY. I said alot. I was going though the most to say the least. I was feeling really intense things and in those feelings i said alot of things as well 

Reading what i wrote then i see that alot of the times when i was speaking about him i was speaking from a place of rejection, hurt, anger etc. I wont say that what i said was wrong, but i will say that because of how i was feeling at the time some of the stuff i said was not entirely right. But nonetheless that is the beauty of this experiment. I allowed myself to feel what ever it is no judgement, whether it is right or wrong. 

Day 30 – Wednesday 19 February 2025

Bye by Arianna Grande 

If you had told me aa month ago that i would have completed my 30 days no contact, i would have most probably asked you what you are talking about. But here i am 30 days later. I made it. I stuck by rules. The relief i feel today is undescribable. 

When i first started this challenge i was doing it so i could get it over and done with and talk to him again. But sitting here today talking to him is the last thing on my mind. The other day I was asking myself if i want to break contact. I have an answer...and its no. Well not yet at least. I really do not see the point in talking to him to answer the questions i asked myself the other day. Breaking no contact..serves no purposes right now, it won't help me with anything it wont do anything expect possible take me backwards. He did message me, so may read the messages just to say oh well...but i will not be responding. My response/breaking the contact will not change a single thing that was said or change reality and i have accepted that. 

I have no words to describe how proud i am of myself for getting through this. for not letting this make me a bitter person. Rather i have come out on top and so much more resilient. I am making a promise to myself today, i will put myself first even in relationships, i will stay true to myself, i will not be meek and timid, i will be bold, brave and courageous, i will continue to love in colour, i will love me, i will not settle for less. These 30 days no contact was an amazing experiment.

Thank you, for all the support, and the people that reached out to share their stories and get advise. You helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Glad this is over and i can get back to my normal vlogs. lol

Week 3

This week is about pouring back into myself and the goggles of realization fall in place. I will rediscover my interest do things intentionally for myself. This is the week that I would use to reflect on things about my dynamic the good and bad as i am now out of the emotional hazzy faze and will see things for what they were.

Day 16 – Wednesday 5 February 2025

Crooked Smile by J,cole

It is crazy how a change in the music genre you are listening too can change/alter/contribute to the mood you are in. This morning on my way to work i decided i am only playing what i call my "Happy" songs, these range from my 2000 pop songs to the ones that make you wanna give your booty a little shake lol. And as expected it worked. I am making the conscious decision of  no more sad Nirvana. I will not allow myself to be sad no more and think i am not enough and the whole sad story business. I am ready to move from the sadness of it all. I will still have my moments here and there but i will not let it consume me.

That is not what "He" would want me to do. And above that being something he wouldn't want I don't want that for myself. So I am going to start this week off on a positive note. I am grateful. I am grateful for him...however little our time was. I am grateful.  

Day 17 – Thursday 6 February 2025

Worst behaviour by Drake

Staying true to this weeks guide of pouring back into myself, i got up an hour early for the first time in the last 2 weeks and i did my stretches and went for a 30 minute run. And i forgot how calming it is to run, heart beating, deep breathes, steady pace, chilly air, blasting music you and the silence. Its truly beautiful. My soul feel rejuvenated, i felt cleansed. 30 minutes straight after not running for 2 weeks was a bit much but i needed it..and it paid off. 

While running, i was thinking how intimacy tells you more about the relationship than intensity. I know right? What does that even mean? Sometimes we make the assumption that extreme emotions, overpowering feeling, butterflies are a reflection of having a strong connection with someone but most of the time that is not the case these feelings are rooted in infatuation, lust or even traumatic events. If you are not a very self-aware person when you meet someone you may think that oh no we don't click there's no chemistry or whatever the case may be. But honestly to really gauge how good and viable the relationship is, its about the level of intimacy you and this person have - not the physical kind. I mean the emotional intimacy. the willingness to be vulnerable and bare yourselves to each other, feeling safe, comfortabele and connection that goes way beyond just physical attraction. Intimacy will always tell you more than intensity. How willing are you willing to get "naked" with them?

Day 18 – Friday 7 February 2025

Slow down by Skip Marley ft H.E.R

There is this sound on tik tok of a girl saying in regards to moving on from a break up and it was something along the lines of " He had his is fingers in my brain, that is how hard it was to get over him" something like that. And that is how i was feeling. His views and insight on life and things in general were just so refreshing. He was under my skin to say the least. He opened my eyes to the unlimited possibilities of what life can be and how i can make those endless possibilities a possibility for myself. 

I am enough by myself. I am resilient, funny, smart, caring, empathetic, beautiful there are all these endless things that i am. And no matter what happens i am still all that. So to my sub friends...hold your chin up sweetie. There is Dom out there waiting for a sub just like you and even if there isn't one at the moment or whatever that does not change even a quarter of who you are. No one can change that...only you have the power to do that.  

Day 19 – Saturday 8 February 2025

Fancy by Drake

This week went by way to fast. My registration was finally finalised this week and i have access to my school. I have never been this motivated to have a semester start. I took myself stationary shopping and bought some new colour pencils and gliterly gel pens that i have been seeing and i got myself a colouring book to use for rewards and stuff. 

I am at such a better place. It is shocking actually. As much as hate to admit it we did not go well together. Which once i was being honest with myself i knew it was something i had known even before we started our dynamic, but i was hopeful that it was stuff that would blow over or change as time progressed. I always knew we wouldn't get far, because we are just 2 very different people. And i will always want to be with him, but i am fine because when i am honest with myself the dynamic was not it for me. However i am grateful for the time, i will always care about him. 

Day 20 – Sunday 9 February 2025

Chiquitita by ABBA 

Chiquitita, you and I know
How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they're leavin'
You'll be dancin' once again and the pain will end
You will have no time for grievin'
Chiquitita, you and I cry
But the sun is still in the sky and shinin' above you
Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita

Every word of these lyrics is how i am feeling..I am dancing again and singing a brand new song. 

Day 21 – Monday 10 February 2025

What it is by Amber Mark

I really do hope that my blogs will be informative, insightful and helpful to subs going through breakups. I want to stay true to being a free woman being able to help as many subs as i can. There was a movie that said " If i helped you dont say thank you, instead, help three other people and in return those three people help 3 more people" and that is what i want to do. 

Unfortunately, i have not seen a lot of safe space for subs. Everywhere is open to be talking about kink and the fun stuff but as soon as it is about the more serious "ugly" side people are not as welcoming. They are harsh, cold, don't acknowledge the subs pains and this is the case alot for the younger/fresher subs. Our complaints fall on deaf ears sometimes or are met with judgement and harsh criticism. This may not be the case all the time but it happens way too much. So i just want to help, i want a sub to come across my blogs and find something even if it is just one day that resonated with them. I just want a sub to know that its okay to go through these emotions and it is contrary to popular believe not the end of the world and you will get through this. 

Day 22 – Tuesday 11 February 2025

Alright by Sam fisher ft Meghan Trainer 

Week three done and dusted. i am on a roll. I journaled for the first time in like months and it was so nostalgic. I was going through some school boxes when i found a box with all the books i had hand  made when i just started journaling. 

Its is very important to do things for yourself even when in a dynamic. That helps you keep a piece of yourself. Go out when you can, keep yourself busy. Grief is something that you can overcome, you just need to give yourself time. 

Overall week 3 was a success and mor ethan i was hoping for it to be. I am excited for week 4 

Week 2

This week we will be doing Actions of self-acceptance and self-reflecting. Digging into why I am the way I am, where does everything stem from as well as things in the dynamic from my dynamic whether good or bad.

Day 9 – Wednesday 29 January 2025

Nights like this by Kehlani

Break-ups are so crazy. One minute I am crying feeling like i am not enough 5 seconds i feel like the baddest bitch on the set. Like what do you mean, I am her, i am that girl it is his lose anyway. 

That is how i am feeling today. I was sad and in my feels but remembered who i am. I am that girl i am exactly who i think i am. But then i got a case of imposter syndrome and i asked myself "WHO AM I?" And i came up with no answer.

Growing up i was never really sure of myself, i was always told what i am or who i should be, I carried that same baggage to my relationships. I was not sure about myself or what i wanted, or i was sure of what i wanted but i never said and felt sad and victimized myself when i had to accept treatment i was not okay with. PSA. I will be making a list of my standards, ideal dynamic, what i want etc. and i will be standing on business. 

And that is what landed me in this very spot.

Day 10 – Thursday 30 January 2025

Dear Santa by Onerepublic

I am like at such a lose for words omg.So, I am a very optimistic person, like very, and just an over all sunshine and rainbows type of person. But right now...eish ja neh it has taken annual leave. I may misquote this because i cant go back to our chats as per my rules. But he said something along the lines of how " Hope is not a strategy" to give it more context i was saying how i felt he has taken the easy way out and how we could work out if he just gave us the chance, and that statement was part of his response and that is the part that has stayed with me. 

i just can not shake it. Like what does that mean. Why not. hope is not a strategy its it the belief that things will change, hope is a common human trait. Hope is such an important thing. I feel like a kid that has just found out santa is not real. Like i just feel so deflated when i think of that. As an overly empathetic person i am sad for him. Being logical and realistic is all good and dandy but when such sentences are your way of reasoning things out...i feel you need to take a step back and look at things differently. I may be wrong because i always go with my heart 100%. Please feel welcome to correct me.           

Day 11– Friday 31 January 2025

Slipping through my fingers by ABBA 

How do you move on, continuing on what i said yesterday...it lead me to think about love and relationships. After a terrible break up how do you get to the point were you decide to to try again, to give love another shot. How do you bring yourself to try again. I know the answer is along the lines of HOPE. But like how? From which universe do you summon the courage from to try again knowing that you could end up in the very same place as before. Why would you willing put yourself through that. 

i always used to look at the people that would say "oh i am going to be single forever to protect myself" and think their cowards. But now for the first time i see why the do it. Why would i willing open myself just to get hurt again? I feel 10 year old me would be so sad if she knew i was becoming one of them

Day 12 – Saturday 1 February 2025

Alone by Burna Boy

Today went by in a blur. As though i was on autopilot. It is way past my bed time and i am sitting here trying to think and ask myself how i am, how i am feeling, what where my thought for the day and i come up blank...i have nothing at all. 

Day 13 – Sunday 2 February 2025

Marvin's Room by Drake

What can i say either than grief is a pain in the butt. I am so angry and hurt. He explained his thoughts and all that stuff to me, and i understand what he said but i cannot agree. Which each person to their own and all that. But NO! 

How do i just take that, this all feels so cinematic, when i play back the whole conversation the scene playing in my mind is so pathetic and sad, mainly all on my side that is. We are close up in the face a girl as she is  screaming at the top of her lungs, crying, begging, pleading, trying to reason, to say something that will strike a chord change the course of time when we zoom out of her face and turn around to see who she was talking, who is it that she is trying to convince. Its a wall. All of that screaming, crying and begging she was doing was at a wall. But the wall is not moving, it is not even listening to her. The wall made up its mind nothing she can say will make the wall move. After all it is a wall. Its held together by the finest cement, built on the strongest foundation and quality steel beams. Nothing this little girl will say or do can make the wall move.I was her...i was that girl. I am that girl. I am sitting here asking myself what i did wrong...could i have said something, done something different. I am loosing my mind. I have 

I have never felt enough no matter what i have done in life. And this felt like life proving me right. Like she is laughing in my face saying " You did all that and not even a grain of cement moved" 

Day 14 – Monday 3 February 2025

Audio hug by Summer walker ft J cole

Today could not have gone any worse. I lost my lunch bag this morning on the bus to work and i had pizza. I was so angry when i realised it. Another bad day i guess. 

I am realising that my biggest hurdle that i am at right now is convincing myself that i will get the chance to experience the things i never got to do with him with someone else. But it is so hard for me right now because he was the first Dom that I saw doing all the things and so much more with. And to just be dropped at the doorstep of all of that is a hard reality. I keep getting told that i will experience everything i imagined with someone more willing to put in the work, time and effort, but thats not the problem. My thing is I didnt want to experience those things with someone else i wanted to do those things with HIM. Now i wont i never will, its him i have been wanting, preparing and everything for. Everything down to the T i have thought of with him in mind. Would he like me like this? Should i rather do it like this? I have spent the last 6 months for the lack of better word grooming myself for him, preparing myself and my submission as an offering to him, to place at his feet. I have taken his lessons , his teachings, his life views  everything single thing and buried them in the deepest parts of my soul and became that. I bared myself to him and instead of acceptance i was rejected. 

I am angry with myself i am angry with him. I am just like angry. I know my views and feelings will change. the lense will clear an i will see things clearly but right now today i am angry. Angry because i do not feel enough, angry because he just gave up. I am just angry.

Day 15 – Tuesday 4 February 2025

Knowing me, Knowing you by ABBA 

The last few days to say the last few days has been one hell of ride. But to sum it up. I have been feeling worse and worse than I did in the first 3 days of my no contact. Each day i felt myself sink deeper into this deep state of sadness. And the first few days I was i just thought it was myself missing him and just the awful feelings that come with a break-up. I wont lie i was frustrated with myself, because week one was a walk in the park and i was fine but this week i have been hit by a bus. But then i realised why i could be feeling like this. 

Loneliness! 

 I am about to be very forth coming so please..we listen and we don't judge lol. These feeling of sadness i have been feeling is my loneliness.  I sat down with myself and got to thinking why I am struggling so much and it was because i have no one. When i say no one i mean someone talking to me that could lead to a relationship. During week one i was talking to multiple people. So the gap of not having my Dom to give random Dailly updates was filled. But then they just dwindled and fell away and i was left to myself. 

My phone was silent, and thats where it started. This past week i have realised a bad habit or a toxic trait rather, is that I have never been by myself. I have hoped from one dynamic to another then to a relationship then to a talking stage then to a situationship. And i have never been lonely because i have always had a place holder to fill that gap that the previous relationship let. But that gap has gotten bigger over time. But i want to break that pattern and i will. What i do is not a healthy habit at all to have...and i feel so angry with myself when i think of what this trait ties back to about me as a person and how i value myself and a whole lot of other things. But i will be easy on myself...or atleast try to. There men and woman twice my age dealing with the same thing so i will be kinder. 


hopefully week 3 will be better lol

Week 1

There was one more rule that I forgot, which is very important. Have a support system!!! Or an accountability partner!!! What ever you want to call them does not matter. But you need someone or more that know what you are going through and know you are doing the 30 days no contact. They will check up on you make sure you are eating, getting out of bed, give you unsolicited advise and most importantly be your shoulder to cry on

Day 1 – 21 January 2025

Out of love by Alessia Cara

Today was extremely hard. I woke up this morning and I was fine or so I thought, there was no aching feeling in my chest and I would say I got at least 5 hours of sleep which is much progress than the 3-eish of the day before. But as soon as I got to work and sat in my chair I was hit by a wave of emotions and I just started crying. Which shocked me because I made the deliberate decision to listen to my upbeat music and skip any sad songs on my playlist the whole way to work.

I was so angry with myself for still crying so much, and on the peak of my crying a friend messaged me and I couldn’t hold it. I called him and broke down crying, mind you this was now the third person I had cried too. He listened to my jumbled sentences and stayed silent as I tried to catch my breath and counted for me to breath in and out and was understanding as I aired out my frustrations with myself for still crying so much and as I called myself a baby and reprimanded me when I said I was stupid and dumb for feeling like this. He reminded me it’s only been 3 days since my Dom ended things I need to be more understanding of myself.

He gently reminded me that I should freshen up before I try and start doing some work. But before he ended our call, he said to me “This is not you. Do not let this hurt that you are feeling turn you into something you are not my love. You are funny, caring, kind and such a bubbly person. Do not do yourself an injustice and lose yourself in this maze of pain” and those words stuck with me for the rest of the day. I did as he said and pulled myself together and had a rather productive day at work. As lunchtime approached, he messaged to check if I had eaten something and my response was no. Honestly speaking I hadn’t had an appetite the last few days, I wasn’t in the mood to eat and my body was clearly not hungry either, because the usual signs where not there no growling or it being sore. But then I remembered what he had said, and I ate something. Now it was an actual meal, it was a muffin and a slice of peanut butter and butter bread. Now I know it’s not the best but it’s a big leap from a single rice cake or just a cup of tea. So, I will take that.

Day 2 – 22 January 2025

Blue by Billie Eilish

HE MESSAGED ME!!! This is not a drill people. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I woke up this morning to a text from him and boy was I sweating bullets. By default, the first thing I did as soon as I woke up, I reached for my phone and went into WhatsApp as usual. And that is when I noticed that my messages went up by 1 and I knew it was him.

When they say curiosity killed the cat, I can finally relate to the cat lol. I was soooo confused and going through the most emotionally. At first I was like omg I can’t not respond for the next 30 days that is so mean of me, to thinking how I will give my phone to my cousin so she can read the message and respond on my behalf, to me thinking that what if this message is him saying he regrets it he has changed his mind, to just simply curiosity to what it is he had said. #we were supposed to talk about my response and some points I had made. But after talking to my support system, she and he made me realize. So, I stayed strong in my resolve and said I will read them when I am done with my 30 days.

Let’s see if I can try not to reach for my phone first thing in the morning??

Day 3– 23 January 2025

Your Power by Billie Eilish

I have first, second, third and ALL the degrees of embarrassment. Grief is a messy thing. I am just remembering how I was the Sunday which was the evening things were ended. I was keeping it together and my mom called everyone to the lounge to have like our evening prayer where everyone comes with a scripture, and we share the word. Everything was fine until it was my turn.  And it was at that moment that moment that my tears decided to make their grand entrance.

My mom being the angel, she is excused us and took me to the room where I proceeded to cry and whale. And she just hugged me and let me cry, in between she tried to get me to drink water and take my asthma pump. She never asked me why I was crying or anything but I know she knew it was about a boy and she just said to me while rubbing my back “What is yours will always be yours no matter what, even if it leaves it will come back and if it doesn’t come back then you will know that it was never yours to begin with”

The next day I had to put on my brave face and head to work, and boy oh boy was that a challenge. I am fashion girl through and through but that day I wore pumps!!! A few tears were shed on the bus. But the kicker was when I got to work, I greeted the cleaner that was in the hallway as usual unlocked the office and went inside. As I sat down at my chair my chin trembled and the waterworks were back in full swing including the sound effects lol. So much so that the cleaner rushed in to check on me when she heard me crying, she stayed with me for like 5 minutes before she left. But damn the awkwardness when she came to clean was comical. lol

I will never allow this to happen to myself ever again.

Day 4– 24 January 2025

Prince Ali - Aladin

“Prince Ali, amorous he, Ali Ababwa Heard your princess was hot! Where is she?” She is here! Today was a good day, I dressed up and I felt good. I do understand that how I feel today may not how I feel tomorrow. But I have decided to handle my emotions as they come if I am sad today let it be, if I am angry let it be if I am feeling like the baddest b then so be it.

I realised something between last night and  this which is... In a nutshell, I am not everyone’s cup of tea, liking someone is not enough. And with that being said let the weekend begin. I have my first ever bdsm party tomorrow and I can not wait. I don’t know what to wear though

Day 5– 25 January 2025

Espresso by Sabrina Carpenta

Today was amazing. Life can be life even after someone's departure…life is for the living. It felt so good to put myself out there. I had so much fun everyone was supper friendly as well. I think I might want to go to the next one.

It was however a slap on the wrist, I saw how all these doms were with their subs and I thought ugh man that could have been meeee. But you know what we will not dwell on it. Just because I never got to do it with him doesn’t mean I will never get to experience it.

So with that being said I am off to bed because my smart self, chose to wear heels.

Day 6– 26 January 2025

Pretty wings by Maxwell

Sleeping in has never felt better. I stayed in bed rotting for most of the bed listening to music, reading my book and just sitting in my thoughts.

Do I think these 30 days is enough???Kinda, I think its enough time for moving on from the break up but I do not think it is enough time for me. Meaning that these 30 days was soley focused on recovering from a breakup…but that is not were it should end. I feel like I need time for me…I feel like I have made myself fit the mold of my partner whether it be vanilla or bdsm wise. They have told me their “type” and I have tried to become that, whether that be good or bad. I want to be my own mold. I want to forget whatever it is that everyone else says they want and all that. And be my own standard. With this break up I realized that he did not settle. However he or I put without playing the blame game..there was something about me he simply did not want …and he was not going to settle for anything less than his ideal sub.

I am still sad about it though…but it wont kill me. At the end of the day the day will end

Day 7– 27 January 2025

My own by H.E.R

I was still on the same wave as yesterday but went further and I see a pattern of an unrealistic high standard I hold myself to.

Older men! One thing I am not shy about is my interest for older men. I have always been interested and more attracted to a guy simply because he was significantly older than me, whether it be 6 years or even double my age. And for some reason the older men have been drawn to me as well.

And it is always so gut wrenching when things end because it has left me feeling like I’m not what they want, or I’m not good enough xyz. But it is just dawning on me…I AM 20. (turning 21 on 21 feb *keep the date in mind lol*) but omg I’m 20 and was even younger than that in previous relationships/dynamics.

These men that are x amount of years older than me have had x amount of years extra than me to find themselves, to explore, to realize what they want in life, how their future will look etc. While I was still in primary school- middle school they were in university or getting their first job or loosing their virginity to some hot university chick or what ever where as I was stressing over 5th grade math’s.

We have 2 different developmental timelines and I need to keep that in mind. So I at 20 can not  expect to be his dreamgirl at xyz age because I just have not had the time to get there in life. Maybe I will be his dream girl at 25 or whatever and if I am we shall meet again. So let this is a moment of reckoning for all the older men/woman loving girls/boys. give yourself the grace to be where you are for your age…they were not rushing themselves at your age to be this everything person. So be kind and don’t do that to yourself

Xoxo Your young big sister mwuah kissy face lol

Day 8– 28 January 2025

Back on 74 by Jungle

What a week. Ups and downs….today is my last emotional day because from day 9 “You gotta get on your zoom at 10!”

I have read back on the stuff I have written and I would like to say we are making progress. Our brain is processing things, we are having good thoughts, we are thinking. Which is all good, I am not shying away from my feelings or ignoring them. I am taking them as they come. So cheers to week 1 of 4. We made it, we cried, we were angry, we laughed we are breathing. So that in itself is progress. Do I still think of him absolutely but that is fine I Loved, cared about him deeply and always will, but he does not need to be part of my life for me to still love and care about him. But we are moving forward still. Like he says “We move”

Or like from finding Nemo “ Just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming” heres to the next 22 days

Xoxo Gossip girls

Free will is an amazing thing. So i took myself to my first ever BDSM event. 

This year I told myself that i really want to put in the work and put myself in BDSM spaces. So i did. I found an event not too far from my place and i signed up. I was supposed to be going with someone but never got too. And almost did not go because i was scared to go by myself. But put on my big girl panties and i got ready got in the uber and went. 

A few minutes before arriving i had all these crazy thoughts being the dramatic person I am. I thought "Omg what am i doing, i am going to be killed, they will sacrifice me, i will be human trafficked" lol. I arrived and i was let in and it was my best decision i have made. IT WAS AMAZING. From how accepting and friendly everyone waas, to the conversations, to the play rooms. it was amazing to say the least. 

It was really just such a beautiful sight to see the Doms interacting with their Subs. How the Doms handled their subs when they were in their sub space which was such a bitter sweet for me. None the less. It was beautiful

I can now fully say i am a bondage girl or what they call call a rope bunny...there was a rope master there. And the level of intimacy and intensity when he was tying his subjects was breath taking. It was so intricate, he touched them with such delicacy and care. We had our own moment where there was this unspoken connection. He even guided me on how to tie someone up and he gave her to me and i "played" with her for the rest of the evening. 

i don't know what it was, but i slipped into subspace. It was so peaceful, i was really giddy, and just like hazzy and my speech was slurred? But i really enjoyed myself. they have an event on last saturday of each month. and i hope to attend all of them

Can i go into subspace without being dommed?

Deep sighs, frowning eyebrows, eyes distant and tense shoulders...that was how he had been for the last few days. Everyday worse than the day before. He never said a word to her or gave her any sign of telling her anything anytime soon.

Dinner being the one time they used as a debrief  to catch up on the days event, she was still optimistic and hoping to say something that would get more than a nod or a half-smile as a response,she was overly chatty as if carrying the conversation for both of them. She would ask questions about his day, how work was or what silly thing his annoying co-worker had said that day. However she was met with only short answers, so eventually her questions stopped. As she thought them to be pointless, she began to feel as though she was being a bother and ended up feeling like she was talking to herself.

So it begun, the once chatty dining room was now wrapped in silence, the only sound was the cutlery scraping the plates. Him playing with his food in between bites and her eating her food as if being chased, leaving as soon as the last bite was in her mouth. She was not angry with him, rather she understood him. She understood everything his silence said. She just wished he would talk to her, allow her the chance to be there for him, to listen to his problems the same way he had done for her...she just wanted the chance to be... his solace...

When he returned home much later than his usual time, he walked into the dinning room to find her asleep. The table was still set up both plates covered. His heart ached at the sight and he realised it was not fair to keep her in the dark the way he had been the last weeks. He walked up to her pulling out a chair next hers, sat down and gently rubbed her back to wake her up. She woke up taking in her surroundings and her eyes met his and sighed with relief jumping into his arms giving him a hun "i was so worried. i thought something terrible had happened you were not answering any of my calls...are you okay? did you get hurt?" she said stumbling over her words moving back to inspect him. "I am fine, I did not get hurt or anything like that, i just had some work to do. I am sorry for not answering your calls" he said as he stroked her cheek, he could see the turmoil building in her eyes...he would feel better if she would yell or shout at him but she didn't she just accepted it and that made him feel even worse.

"I am sorry i have been the way i have been these past weeks, and shutting you out the way i have. It just feels all so foreign to me...how am I supposed to be in charge of you and your life and add stability to your life when i am not in control of mine at the moment?" ..staring down at their intertwined fingers he felt a weight lift of his shoulder after saying what has been keeping him up all this time. She finally understood, she got up out of her chair and knelt between his legs, using her free hand to stroke his face, she looked up at him with a knowing smile on her face.

"Daddy you are human too. You will also have your challenging days but that doesn't make you less of a daddy over me, its at this time were you get to see the fruits of your labour pay off. You should never feel like you you  are less of a Dom because life is hard for you...i understand it's easy for me to say that, but it's true. You are a good Daddy and person and no hard patch in life can ever  take that away from you." ...."I want you to find solace that you have taught me well enough to implement all your teachings on your behalf. Daddys need to be taken care of sometimes too...i just wish you could have given me the chance to take care of you the same way you do for me everyday" she said as she grab his face with both her hands and brought his face closer for a kiss...

"It has been declared!!" she jumped to her feet with a mischievous grin "...that Daddy will be allow me take care however i see fit." following suit he rose to his feet holding her by her waist " when did my baby get so clever hmm" he said as he placed a kiss on her forehead " It's all credit to my amazing Daddy. I just wanna be there for your...i know may not be able to actually help you but i can try...i want you to come home and know that amidst all the chaos there is a piece of peace at home waiting for you, a place of solace...me....i want to be your solace"

So, this is going to be a very revealing couple of blogs. Long story short my Dom ended our dynamic. Sad right? Actually, it’s more than sad but we will get into those emotions in a bit.

On my profile I mentioned something I learned while studying psychology. So, with that in mind, I remembered there was a module that was covered about  grief and what happens to the brain with the nervous system and all it goes through during the grieving process which I will try and give a brief explanation on. At the end of that, it was studied and proven by professors, therapist and psychologists that if a person going through grief took 30 days straight they would be able to 1 get back to day to day living faster and have a healthier coping mechanism.

So basically what happens when someone  is grieving their nervous system shuts down. In simply terms the person that is grieving had a relationship with the diseased, they had things they did together or did for each other so on so forth. Now, with that person gone the nervous system shuts down because there was a routine formed in their brain associated with that specific person. They had programmed themselves to do all these things that formed a pattern in their brain. This person now has to unprogramm/unlearn and rewire all the things that they did, all the morning texts, the voice memos they would send and any materialistic things they had of them now need to be put away for the duration of the 30 days. This is because all those actions/items are attached to that person. But buy the end of the 30 days those things will be done for different reasons and the diseased  will no longer be the only memory attached to that action thus making it easier for the person to go on with life. This also ties in with different attachment styles but that is an entirely different rabbit hole. This is just a scrapping the surface type of explanation.

So I am going to be my own guineapig  and doing all that stuff for a person that is not dead but chose to leave my life. I am going to unlearn and rewire my nervous system to help me heal, accept and move on from my failed dynamic. And I will journal all of it here for everyone to see. As much as I would like to go through this behind closed doors, I thought of the subs that go through break-ups and don’t know how to move on, heal, forgive themselves and eventually try again.  So if I can give them the tools that would help with all that why not especially if it something I am trying for myself.

So this is a break down of my take on 30 days no contact:

My rules

·        No contact – I will not message/call him nor will I answer any of his messages/calls which i doubt he would do.

·        No stalking – I will not being going to check any of his social media accounts or reading any new things he may post. In the even that i do           stumble upon his pages i will scroll. 

·        No looking at pictures – I will not go and look at his pictures and I will change any wallpapers with his pictures

·        Chat archived – I have archived his chat and I will not go into our chat to read our chats or play his voice notes

30 Day breakdown:

I have divided my 30 days into 4 weeks. Each week I will be focusing on a new aspect of the healing process. I will journal each day as I go, any challenges I had that day, how I  was feeling or any thoughts I had that day will be journaled. At the end of the each week I might write a separate blog, it could be a writing piece or just thoughts I did not no include in my daily brief for whatever reason

Week 1: 8 days

Grieving – allowing myself to grieve. I am grieving for someone that is alive. My Dom chose to take himself out of my life and I must deal with that. I will give myself the grace to feel whatever emotions and  I will not bottle them up. I will let myself cry, feel the pain, the rejection, the self-doubt, the anger all of it. Because it is by letting myself go through the rollercoaster of emotions that I can move on. I will also be coping with the withdrawal symptoms of not having a Dom anymore, no one to report to in the mornings when I wake up. all the little things i would do with my Dom in mind, or my favorite OOTD videos i would make for him etc.

Week 2: 7 days

Actions of self-acceptance and self-reflecting. Digging into why I am the way I am, where does everything stem from as well as things in the dynamic from my dynamic whether good or bad.

Week 3: 7 days

Pouring back into myself and the goggles of realization fall in place. I will rediscover my interest do things intentionally for myself. This is the week that I would use to reflect on things about my dynamic the good and bad as i am no out of the emotional hazzy faze and will see things for what they were.

Week 4: 8 days

This week I am picking up all the things I used to, those “Good morning Daddy xxx” text I would send every morning I will now send a message to my friend for example or say good morning to myself in the mirror or say it to the plant as i water it. Or those OOTD videos I would make for him I will now be making them for myself etc. I will also do an overall reflection of how far I have come from week 1 to week 4.

So come along with me as challenge myself to face my emotions and try my level best not to blame myself for the end of my