Nirvana

Free will is an amazing thing. So i took myself to my first ever BDSM event. 

This year I told myself that i really want to put in the work and put myself in BDSM spaces. So i did. I found an event not too far from my place and i signed up. I was supposed to be going with someone but never got too. And almost did not go because i was scared to go by myself. But put on my big girl panties and i got ready got in the uber and went. 

A few minutes before arriving i had all these crazy thoughts being the dramatic person I am. I thought "Omg what am i doing, i am going to be killed, they will sacrifice me, i will be human trafficked" lol. I arrived and i was let in and it was my best decision i have made. IT WAS AMAZING. From how accepting and friendly everyone waas, to the conversations, to the play rooms. it was amazing to say the least. 

It was really just such a beautiful sight to see the Doms interacting with their Subs. How the Doms handled their subs when they were in their sub space which was such a bitter sweet for me. None the less. It was beautiful

I can now fully say i am a bondage girl or what they call call a rope bunny...there was a rope master there. And the level of intimacy and intensity when he was tying his subjects was breath taking. It was so intricate, he touched them with such delicacy and care. We had our own moment where there was this unspoken connection. He even guided me on how to tie someone up and he gave her to me and i "played" with her for the rest of the evening. 

i don't know what it was, but i slipped into subspace. It was so peaceful, i was really giddy, and just like hazzy and my speech was slurred? But i really enjoyed myself. they have an event on last saturday of each month. and i hope to attend all of them

Can i go into subspace without being dommed?

Deep sighs, frowning eyebrows, eyes distant and tense shoulders...that was how he had been for the last few days. Everyday worse than the day before. He never said a word to her or gave her any sign of telling her anything anytime soon.

Dinner being the one time they used as a debrief  to catch up on the days event, she was still optimistic and hoping to say something that would get more than a nod or a half-smile as a response,she was overly chatty as if carrying the conversation for both of them. She would ask questions about his day, how work was or what silly thing his annoying co-worker had said that day. However she was met with only short answers, so eventually her questions stopped. As she thought them to be pointless, she began to feel as though she was being a bother and ended up feeling like she was talking to herself.

So it begun, the once chatty dining room was now wrapped in silence, the only sound was the cutlery scraping the plates. Him playing with his food in between bites and her eating her food as if being chased, leaving as soon as the last bite was in her mouth. She was not angry with him, rather she understood him. She understood everything his silence said. She just wished he would talk to her, allow her the chance to be there for him, to listen to his problems the same way he had done for her...she just wanted the chance to be... his solace...

When he returned home much later than his usual time, he walked into the dinning room to find her asleep. The table was still set up both plates covered. His heart ached at the sight and he realised it was not fair to keep her in the dark the way he had been the last weeks. He walked up to her pulling out a chair next hers, sat down and gently rubbed her back to wake her up. She woke up taking in her surroundings and her eyes met his and sighed with relief jumping into his arms giving him a hun "i was so worried. i thought something terrible had happened you were not answering any of my calls...are you okay? did you get hurt?" she said stumbling over her words moving back to inspect him. "I am fine, I did not get hurt or anything like that, i just had some work to do. I am sorry for not answering your calls" he said as he stroked her cheek, he could see the turmoil building in her eyes...he would feel better if she would yell or shout at him but she didn't she just accepted it and that made him feel even worse.

"I am sorry i have been the way i have been these past weeks, and shutting you out the way i have. It just feels all so foreign to me...how am I supposed to be in charge of you and your life and add stability to your life when i am not in control of mine at the moment?" ..staring down at their intertwined fingers he felt a weight lift of his shoulder after saying what has been keeping him up all this time. She finally understood, she got up out of her chair and knelt between his legs, using her free hand to stroke his face, she looked up at him with a knowing smile on her face.

"Daddy you are human too. You will also have your challenging days but that doesn't make you less of a daddy over me, its at this time were you get to see the fruits of your labour pay off. You should never feel like you you  are less of a Dom because life is hard for you...i understand it's easy for me to say that, but it's true. You are a good Daddy and person and no hard patch in life can ever  take that away from you." ...."I want you to find solace that you have taught me well enough to implement all your teachings on your behalf. Daddys need to be taken care of sometimes too...i just wish you could have given me the chance to take care of you the same way you do for me everyday" she said as she grab his face with both her hands and brought his face closer for a kiss...

"It has been declared!!" she jumped to her feet with a mischievous grin "...that Daddy will be allow me take care however i see fit." following suit he rose to his feet holding her by her waist " when did my baby get so clever hmm" he said as he placed a kiss on her forehead " It's all credit to my amazing Daddy. I just wanna be there for your...i know may not be able to actually help you but i can try...i want you to come home and know that amidst all the chaos there is a piece of peace at home waiting for you, a place of solace...me....i want to be your solace"

So, this is going to be a very revealing couple of blogs. Long story short my Dom ended our dynamic. Sad right? Actually, it’s more than sad but we will get into those emotions in a bit.

On my profile I mentioned something I learned while studying psychology. So, with that in mind, I remembered there was a module that was covered about  grief and what happens to the brain with the nervous system and all it goes through during the grieving process which I will try and give a brief explanation on. At the end of that, it was studied and proven by professors, therapist and psychologists that if a person going through grief took 30 days straight they would be able to 1 get back to day to day living faster and have a healthier coping mechanism.

So basically what happens when someone  is grieving their nervous system shuts down. In simply terms the person that is grieving had a relationship with the diseased, they had things they did together or did for each other so on so forth. Now, with that person gone the nervous system shuts down because there was a routine formed in their brain associated with that specific person. They had programmed themselves to do all these things that formed a pattern in their brain. This person now has to unprogramm/unlearn and rewire all the things that they did, all the morning texts, the voice memos they would send and any materialistic things they had of them now need to be put away for the duration of the 30 days. This is because all those actions/items are attached to that person. But buy the end of the 30 days those things will be done for different reasons and the diseased  will no longer be the only memory attached to that action thus making it easier for the person to go on with life. This also ties in with different attachment styles but that is an entirely different rabbit hole. This is just a scrapping the surface type of explanation.

So I am going to be my own guineapig  and doing all that stuff for a person that is not dead but chose to leave my life. I am going to unlearn and rewire my nervous system to help me heal, accept and move on from my failed dynamic. And I will journal all of it here for everyone to see. As much as I would like to go through this behind closed doors, I thought of the subs that go through break-ups and don’t know how to move on, heal, forgive themselves and eventually try again.  So if I can give them the tools that would help with all that why not especially if it something I am trying for myself.

So this is a break down of my take on 30 days no contact:

My rules

·        No contact – I will not message/call him nor will I answer any of his messages/calls which i doubt he would do.

·        No stalking – I will not being going to check any of his social media accounts or reading any new things he may post. In the even that i do           stumble upon his pages i will scroll. 

·        No looking at pictures – I will not go and look at his pictures and I will change any wallpapers with his pictures

·        Chat archived – I have archived his chat and I will not go into our chat to read our chats or play his voice notes

30 Day breakdown:

I have divided my 30 days into 4 weeks. Each week I will be focusing on a new aspect of the healing process. I will journal each day as I go, any challenges I had that day, how I  was feeling or any thoughts I had that day will be journaled. At the end of the each week I might write a separate blog, it could be a writing piece or just thoughts I did not no include in my daily brief for whatever reason

Week 1: 8 days

Grieving – allowing myself to grieve. I am grieving for someone that is alive. My Dom chose to take himself out of my life and I must deal with that. I will give myself the grace to feel whatever emotions and  I will not bottle them up. I will let myself cry, feel the pain, the rejection, the self-doubt, the anger all of it. Because it is by letting myself go through the rollercoaster of emotions that I can move on. I will also be coping with the withdrawal symptoms of not having a Dom anymore, no one to report to in the mornings when I wake up. all the little things i would do with my Dom in mind, or my favorite OOTD videos i would make for him etc.

Week 2: 7 days

Actions of self-acceptance and self-reflecting. Digging into why I am the way I am, where does everything stem from as well as things in the dynamic from my dynamic whether good or bad.

Week 3: 7 days

Pouring back into myself and the goggles of realization fall in place. I will rediscover my interest do things intentionally for myself. This is the week that I would use to reflect on things about my dynamic the good and bad as i am no out of the emotional hazzy faze and will see things for what they were.

Week 4: 8 days

This week I am picking up all the things I used to, those “Good morning Daddy xxx” text I would send every morning I will now send a message to my friend for example or say good morning to myself in the mirror or say it to the plant as i water it. Or those OOTD videos I would make for him I will now be making them for myself etc. I will also do an overall reflection of how far I have come from week 1 to week 4.

So come along with me as challenge myself to face my emotions and try my level best not to blame myself for the end of my

TRIGGER WARNING: CNC

He grabbed my hair again and pulled it making me stand up and licked my lips. He used his belt to restrain my hands and then he shoved me onto the bed. He pulled my top down releasing my breast and yanked my shorts off and held my thighs open. I tried kicking him off and closing my legs. But he used his right leg to hold my left thigh down and his left hand to hold my right thigh down and with his free hand he smacked my pussy.

He rubbed my clit before he roughly shoved two fingers inside my pussy. Letting out a loud moan I felt myself clench around his fingers as he fucked my harder going past my g-spot. I was writhing and thrusting my hips up to meet his fingers and he chuckled as he went harder faster. Letting out an even louder moan and I felt myself reach my climax squirting all over us.

Coming down for my high I felt a sense of embarrassment that I enjoyed myself but before I could feel anymore embarrassment, I was overtaken by the sensation of him slipping his cock into my needy cunt and I was pushed over the edge once more. I was clenching around him, my gasps, his grunting and the sounds of our skin slapping together combined with crackling of the burning wood were the only sounds in the cabin.

His thrusts were ruthless, they were deep, hard fast strokes. His grip on my thigh was tight as if he feared I would try and run. If only he knew that I was past trying to run away from him. His strokes became harder, and I could see him holding back, a few moments later he gave one more deep thrust. I could feel his cock pulsating inside me as he released his seed, and that sensation did the trick and I was clenching around him once more as my cum mixed with his.

Reluctantly he pulled himself out and used his tip follow the trail of cum as it slid towards my asshole. For a moment I thought he would do it, that he would slip in there and claim it as his too. But he didn’t, instead he circled the rim and gave a slight nudge. He then bent over and captured my mouth in a kiss while he released my hands from his belt. “I’ll take that one next time” he said as he slipped a finger inside me as if to keep his cum inside me. He put on his pants and left without a single word.

I just laid there blinking at the ceiling wondering if this all was real. Giving up on trying to figure out if I was dreaming or not, I crawled into bed making sure to clench tight to keep his seed inside me. I fell into a peaceful sleep but not before asking myself “Will he come back tomorrow?”

TRIGGER WARNING: CNC

Why is he here again? He just stood there not saying a word and I watched as his eyes wandered over my body, first stopping on my chest then traveling down and settling on my legs before he looked back at my eyes, a slight smirk appeared. “Why are you here? Please leave” still he said nothing, he just stood there “Did you come back for your tip?” I asked and he looked as thinking about it “Yes.” Letting out an exasperated sigh I said “You didn’t have to. I was going to leave your tip at reception when I left.” I said as I walked past him. “You can wait here. I will bring your tip outside” I said as I reached the top of the stairs.

Inside I found my purse and got out some cash, but stopped dead in my tracks when I felt his hand rub up my arm and he licked my exposed shoulder “Did you do all this for me, hoping I would come back and find you like this huh?” turning around I pushed him. “What are you doing! Get out right now before I call the reception!” I said as I begun stepping back “I never said I worked here darling, but I do remember saying how I don’t take no for an answer” … “ So come here yourself unless you want me to be rough”… “ okay I am sorry, I won’t call anyone. Please, please just leave, you can take whatever you want”

He took a quick step forward grabbing me by my throat “I want you” he said close to my ear. My heart was beating so hard I could feel the throbbing in my ears “Please..” was all I could get out. He chuckled “Giving up so soon” he said as he tried to put his hand between my legs, but I closed them before his hand could go far. “You think that is going to stop me? Guess you don’t want the nice version then.”

With force he shoved me to my knees and tightly gripped my hair while his other hand unbuckled his belt, unbuttoned his pants, unzipped them and shoved them down making a puddle at his feet. “Open!” I shook my head, and he answered that with a slap…with a gasp a held my cheek “I don’t like repeating myself”. I just dropped my arms to my side. Why am I not fighting back? I opened and he didn’t wait before he shoved his cock in my mouth causing me to immediately gag from how far he went.

Raising my hands to his thighs I try and push him off but to no avail “The harder you fight the harder I go” he pulled himself out to let me catch my breath and slid back into my mouth all the way back again and kept himself there. I felt myself trying to gag and I felt the tears run down my cheeks. “Relax princess…you still have a long way to go” he said mockingly as he used his grip on my head as leverage to move my head up and down his cock in no time he was fucking my face relentlessly.

I had saliva on my chin going down neck. After what felt like forever I felt him tense and shove his cock to the back of my throat as he released his seed down my throat. What couldn’t go down my throat made its way out from the sides of my lips. He kept himself there until he felt me swallow his seed, he thrusted a few more times before he let go of my head as he stepped out of his pants and picked up his belt. I bent over spitting out whatever was left over in my mouth and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.

TRIGGER WARNING: CNC

Windows down, breeze strong, sun high. This is everything I hoped it to be. I finally decided to take myself on a long overdue weekend away to a cabin on the outskirts of town. As a approached the main lobby, I was speechless at how beautiful the scenery was. I could already feel weeks of tension ease off me, and I knew I had made the right decision.

Walking to the reception I set my bag down on the desk saying “Hi there, booking in for the self-catering Isolated cabin for one” …” Yes Miss, your cabin is ready. As requested you got the furthest cabin we have on the plot, it’s about a 10 -15-minute drive away but we do have a phone in the cabin for your convenience. Enjoy your weekend” the receptionist said as she handed me the key “Thank you.”

The drive to the cabin was a peaceful one, and the sun was beginning to as I reached the cabin. My cabin was straight out of a magazine it had a fireplace already lit and stocked with wood, the bed was big, a cute kitchen tucked in the corner and a surprisingly well sized bathroom.

I headed back outside to bring all my stuff inside, opening my boot I remembered just how much I brought. Why did I bring such a big suitcase when I’m spending the whole weekend inside. Unpacking everything I close my boot, and a man is standing there. “Hi, can I help you?” … “You look like you are the one that needs the help pretty lady. Let me give you a hand” the way he said pretty lady and was just standing there was …unsettling. Why is he even here “No thank you I can manage” I said attempting to pick up on of the bags “I don’t take no for an answer” he said as he walked towards me and took my suitcase and some of my other bags.

Picking up the grocery bags I walked behind him “You didn’t have too I would have managed. But thanks, I guess” I said trying to ease the growing tension. He dropped all my stuff in the center of the cabin and made way for me to pass him. “um..if you can give me a few seconds to find my purse I will give you your tip” I said as turned my back on him to put the things in my hands down. When I turned around he was gone..this man is a creep. But anyway, now I can really relax.

Slipping my dress off I ran myself a hot bath an hour later I stepped out of a steamy bathroom my skin care done, body moisturized and oiled up and lastly wearing my newest hello kitty pjs - a spaghetti strap tank top and botty shorts. Now I can unwind play some good music eat good food and drink good wine I thought to myself as I looked for my speaker. I think I left it in the car. Quickly rushing to the car to get it. On my way back he was there…standing at the foot of the steps.

I would like to think that we women have a super power or 7th sense if you could say which is....premature grief.

It is often discussed that women grief something long before it actually happens. This is usually in context to relationships. When a man and woman break up they man often says..."When I was breaking up with her...she showed no emotion. Like she expected it" that is because she did.

Months, weeks, days or even hours before she was on the phone or alone in her room balling her eyes out, loosing her mind about "The feeling". That heart wrenching ache, unsettled stomach feeling. Medical personal have told stories of how their patient behaved besides themselves the day and hours leading up to their death. As if they knew they were dying. 

That is the feeling woman feel...we feel the death of relationships. Sometimes we know which relationship sometimes we don't. And I feel as though I ignored my grief....I had  a week where I just felt a sense of impending doom but I ignored it thinking I was just sick. Today that feeling has come back 10 fold and i am gutted. The thought of having to let go of a relationship that is so dear is heart wrenching.  

Letting go is hard but I have learnt when you understand that not everyone will be in your life forever and that you should rather think of the beautiful memories made and time spent together rather than the fact that the relationship ended it is easier to let go.

So here's to 2025 the year i learn to let go...Salute!

i would like to start this off by saying thank you. Thank to all the people that took the time to inbox me and gives me words of encouragement. they are much appreciated. Everyone grieves differently, and it is important to "read the room". I know the guilt i felt is not logical...as well as the regret. But that is still how i felt, and right now that is not what i need to hear, i know that already. 

So last night after posting my blog i made my way and found it hard to sleep, i was just restless so i was just thinking about everything and her. and response i a got from a Dom that shared his wife/sub that recently passed away (i got his permission to include this in my blog). He told me how he too blamed himself and felt all levels of regret and found it so hard to grieve. But with time he found it easier to grieve if he would remember the person she was. and when i did that i was able to sleep better.

Today was her memorial service. And just to give some insight memorials/funerals are a big part of South African and African culture. When someone passes away and their body has been given to the family the body is taken to their home and kept either in the main room where everyone is sitting or in a separate room . All "comfortable"  furniture like couches, chairs, the TV and the beds, well they leave one mattress  for the close family to sit on, and  then plastic chairs are brought for the men to sit on while the woman sit on the floor. This is said that it is to give the living a glimpse of the pain of the person that has passed away. The woman must tie their hair with a scarf and wrap a towel/sheet around their waist, and another scarf around their shoulders. There is usually the pastor of the from the church they attended as well as other members from the church, their friends and family and neighbors attend. The pastor preaches, and certain people are allowed to speak, we sing mourning songs, cry and donate money/food and when it alll said and done juice/tea and scones are served and you leave. 

That is what we did for my dear friend. And it was so heartwarming to see the amount of people that showed up for her service. the house was packed and the street was packed from all the cars. It just goes to show the beautiful of person she was. 

i spent most of my time with her kids, when i saw them yesterday they were all so angry and fighting with each other which is understandable. But today they were different, they were comforted by the turn out. We sat outside in the garden and i told them about their mom, we laughed we cried. And it was beautiful. i felt a piece of my heart come back together. Obviously the are still saddened by it all but one of them said to me i can see how you are pushing through this and it is giving me the strength to do the same. And that is all i could ever hope for. 

She would want us to be happy to laugh to dance to her favourite songs and be happy. She was not a sad person. she lived a bright vibrant life. And in honour of that we will carry it on. There will be times when there are hard days but i will to my best to live up to your memory my friend. 

Oh my dear friend, you will be missed. You touched me in ways i never got to tell you. but one day when we meet again i will tell you. but until then i will keep your memories close...I love you. Rest easy my friend.

[TW: Sexual assault] i am on a roll with these trigger warnings today (i am trying to find some humour- apologies if it was corny) 

Hm Hm Taday drained me - its a tiktok reference and is absolutely hilarious.

one would think that after the news of my friend i would get it easy the rest of the day...but boy was i wrong.

So in our line like every line of work there are those annoying sales reps that would advertise the sun if they could. 

But this sales rep was different lets call her Ela. Ela is so sweet she has been trying to have a meeting with my boss for the last 2 months but something has come up and either end up canceling. One of the meetings were booked on her birthday and she said she would come with some cake for us but she had to cancel last minute the next day she sent a full cake. 

So Ela had a meeting booked with my boss 2 weeks ago but missed it and when i would call she wasnt answering so i just said oh well and left it at that. this morning she walked in and i could tell she was not herself. She began to apologize profusely. how sorry she is that she missed her appointment. and i kept reassuring her that it was fine and i can book an appointment for her. 

she then began to explain that  she has some personal stuff going on but it isnt something you can just discuss. that she is not even supposed to be at work but she just needs to be out of the house. so i didnt ask her what it was. she gave me calendars and was on her way out but she was still talking and lingering around like she wasnt ready to leave, and she kept repeating the same thing that it is personal and all that. so i said everything will work out itself eventually. and its like that hit a nerve cz she broke down crying. so i grabbed my tissues went to the other side of the counter and directed her towards the chairs. and she sobbed and said "this is not something that will ever work out" 

i kept quite and let her talk and she said everything feels like a lie. she found out that her partner of 17 years has been sexual assulting her daughter since she was 12 years old....her daughter is now 17. And she only found out 2 weeks ago. and i let her explain the rest. and it was such a surreal moment for us both. we were holding each others hands and crying together, and i dont know why but in that moment i thought i should share something with her.

And i told her that the same thing happened to me with my brother in law and i never really told my mom. and i explained our point of view, how its scary and terrifying, scared of the judgement scared of not being believed scared of how it would affect everyone around us. so we stay silent and sacrifice ourselves. it was such a vulnerable moment and in that moment i saw she understood her daughters sillence even though she did not agree with it and i saw how sometimes keeping quite is worse than speaking out. 

it was worth it reliving it all for her to understand, but after it was hard once we gathered ourselves sat in silence for a bit and said goodbye. and i was btt myself. then it hit me. i was so anxious and in such a dark place...i was having flashbacks of the things he had done and said to me. and i felt like i was transported back in time to the time it first happened. and it felt so real. i would try snapping out of it but my mind wonder and i would be right back there in that kitchen in the middle of the night when it all started. 

i have not healed from it all, i have not moved on i have not grown up from it. i have just shrugged my shoulders and said oh well. even when talking to people i would dismiss their concern and worries and be like meh its not that big of deal. but it is...and i have not gotten over it. 

but i do not want to have to relive all that...but i cant live in fear. it will always be there in the back of my mind this makes me think of wildflower by billie eillsih. but i dont know how too. what do i even do where do i start...but i know it is something i need to do cz i cannot live like this. 

i am a scarred to, i have tihs weird fear that going through it will make me a bttier person i do not want to admitt that it has affected me that much...but it has and not doing anything makes it worse...but where do i start?

[ TW: Death]

Since this morning i have been going through my day as if on autopilot just in utter shock.

Today on my way to work i received a message from a family friend that stayed in the same complex as me that my neighbor died...but she did not just die. She was killed...she was shot in the head...9 times on tuesday evening....TODAY IS THURSDAY...... She was on her way to collect her an outfit she got made for her for her end of year party at work and on her way she was attacked by the savages that did such a terrible thing to her. the worst part is we will never know how it all played out..unless obviously the perpetrators are caught and they confess. 

She wasn't just a neighbor she was a dear friend, she watched me grow up. She saw me from the young girl that was still in primary school in her school uniform to the woman that i am today. We spent alot of time together i would often go to her place to cook and hang out. and despite the huge age gap we connected. 

the kicker of it all is that i was supposed to  be with her that evening. She asked me to go with her to go fetch her outfit and i agreed but last minute there was a complex and i couldnt miss it as i am part off "leaders" in the complex. The meeting was only supposed to take 10 minutes but its was 18h30 and the meeting had not yet even started..so i told her to leave and that she must video call me when she reaches the place. She wasnt too happy about it but left regardless. And we had this thing that whenever the other one could not go with the one would say "you will look back at this day and wish you came with me"...so like clockwork she said that and i responded "ME! NEVER!" and i blew her a kiss as she drove off. and that was the last time i saw her. how i wish i said i love you.

i was so caught up in the things i had to do after the meeting as well as pacifying my boss for taking the day off that she gave me. That i never noticed she never video called me, and i went to bed not knowing that she was already dead. Wednesday came and i said i would call her and scold her for not calling me but i was so caught up in work and the whole uniform thing with my boss that again it slipped my mind. When i came home and didnt see her car parked there i just though she was doing some last minute shopping for the year end party on friday. 

i know there is nothing i can do to change it but my mind can't stop playing tricks on me. i keep thinking and blaming myself for being part of the leaders because had i not been she would not have run late by those 30 minutes. That those 30 minutes would have made the difference between life and death. And it kills me. the mind can be such a crazy and wicked thing. Her picture was posted  on the complex group with a message informing people of her death. 

and though out the day as people would reply to the message i would see her picture- it was a picture i had taken of her on sunday for a dinner she was going to. And everytime i couldnt help but think how scared she must have been, when the first bullet went through, how she must have begged and mentioned that she is a single mother of 4, the fear she must have felt as she realised what was happening and how it would end. oh my dear friend my heart is shattered. it is hard to breath, i have no strength to speak to eat. i am just floored. i am in utter disbelief.

9 BULLETS TO THE HEAD!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. How can someone do that 9 bullets all to the head...my brain can not process it. i am hoping its a terrible dream that i will hear her in her car driving past my house, with all her windows and playing her favorite song Loyalty by Kendrik Lamar full blast.

i am utter distraught...but i am trying to comfort myself with the thought that she is in a better place...