Week 2
This week we will be doing Actions of self-acceptance and self-reflecting. Digging into why I am the way I am, where does everything stem from as well as things in the dynamic from my dynamic whether good or bad.
Day 9 – Wednesday 29 January 2025
Nights like this by Kehlani
Break-ups are so crazy. One minute I am crying feeling like i am not enough 5 seconds i feel like the baddest bitch on the set. Like what do you mean, I am her, i am that girl it is his lose anyway.
That is how i am feeling today. I was sad and in my feels but remembered who i am. I am that girl i am exactly who i think i am. But then i got a case of imposter syndrome and i asked myself "WHO AM I?" And i came up with no answer.
Growing up i was never really sure of myself, i was always told what i am or who i should be, I carried that same baggage to my relationships. I was not sure about myself or what i wanted, or i was sure of what i wanted but i never said and felt sad and victimized myself when i had to accept treatment i was not okay with. PSA. I will be making a list of my standards, ideal dynamic, what i want etc. and i will be standing on business.
And that is what landed me in this very spot.
Day 10 – Thursday 30 January 2025
Dear Santa by Onerepublic
I am like at such a lose for words omg.So, I am a very optimistic person, like very, and just an over all sunshine and rainbows type of person. But right now...eish ja neh it has taken annual leave. I may misquote this because i cant go back to our chats as per my rules. But he said something along the lines of how " Hope is not a strategy" to give it more context i was saying how i felt he has taken the easy way out and how we could work out if he just gave us the chance, and that statement was part of his response and that is the part that has stayed with me.
i just can not shake it. Like what does that mean. Why not. hope is not a strategy its it the belief that things will change, hope is a common human trait. Hope is such an important thing. I feel like a kid that has just found out santa is not real. Like i just feel so deflated when i think of that. As an overly empathetic person i am sad for him. Being logical and realistic is all good and dandy but when such sentences are your way of reasoning things out...i feel you need to take a step back and look at things differently. I may be wrong because i always go with my heart 100%. Please feel welcome to correct me.
Day 11– Friday 31 January 2025
Slipping through my fingers by ABBA
How do you move on, continuing on what i said yesterday...it lead me to think about love and relationships. After a terrible break up how do you get to the point were you decide to to try again, to give love another shot. How do you bring yourself to try again. I know the answer is along the lines of HOPE. But like how? From which universe do you summon the courage from to try again knowing that you could end up in the very same place as before. Why would you willing put yourself through that.
i always used to look at the people that would say "oh i am going to be single forever to protect myself" and think their cowards. But now for the first time i see why the do it. Why would i willing open myself just to get hurt again? I feel 10 year old me would be so sad if she knew i was becoming one of them
Day 12 – Saturday 1 February 2025
Alone by Burna Boy
Today went by in a blur. As though i was on autopilot. It is way past my bed time and i am sitting here trying to think and ask myself how i am, how i am feeling, what where my thought for the day and i come up blank...i have nothing at all.
Day 13 – Sunday 2 February 2025
Marvin's Room by Drake
What can i say either than grief is a pain in the butt. I am so angry and hurt. He explained his thoughts and all that stuff to me, and i understand what he said but i cannot agree. Which each person to their own and all that. But NO!
How do i just take that, this all feels so cinematic, when i play back the whole conversation the scene playing in my mind is so pathetic and sad, mainly all on my side that is. We are close up in the face a girl as she is screaming at the top of her lungs, crying, begging, pleading, trying to reason, to say something that will strike a chord change the course of time when we zoom out of her face and turn around to see who she was talking, who is it that she is trying to convince. Its a wall. All of that screaming, crying and begging she was doing was at a wall. But the wall is not moving, it is not even listening to her. The wall made up its mind nothing she can say will make the wall move. After all it is a wall. Its held together by the finest cement, built on the strongest foundation and quality steel beams. Nothing this little girl will say or do can make the wall move.I was her...i was that girl. I am that girl. I am sitting here asking myself what i did wrong...could i have said something, done something different. I am loosing my mind. I have
I have never felt enough no matter what i have done in life. And this felt like life proving me right. Like she is laughing in my face saying " You did all that and not even a grain of cement moved"
Day 14 – Monday 3 February 2025
Audio hug by Summer walker ft J cole
Today could not have gone any worse. I lost my lunch bag this morning on the bus to work and i had pizza. I was so angry when i realised it. Another bad day i guess.
I am realising that my biggest hurdle that i am at right now is convincing myself that i will get the chance to experience the things i never got to do with him with someone else. But it is so hard for me right now because he was the first Dom that I saw doing all the things and so much more with. And to just be dropped at the doorstep of all of that is a hard reality. I keep getting told that i will experience everything i imagined with someone more willing to put in the work, time and effort, but thats not the problem. My thing is I didnt want to experience those things with someone else i wanted to do those things with HIM. Now i wont i never will, its him i have been wanting, preparing and everything for. Everything down to the T i have thought of with him in mind. Would he like me like this? Should i rather do it like this? I have spent the last 6 months for the lack of better word grooming myself for him, preparing myself and my submission as an offering to him, to place at his feet. I have taken his lessons , his teachings, his life views everything single thing and buried them in the deepest parts of my soul and became that. I bared myself to him and instead of acceptance i was rejected.
I am angry with myself i am angry with him. I am just like angry. I know my views and feelings will change. the lense will clear an i will see things clearly but right now today i am angry. Angry because i do not feel enough, angry because he just gave up. I am just angry.
Day 15 – Tuesday 4 February 2025
Knowing me, Knowing you by ABBA
The last few days to say the last few days has been one hell of ride. But to sum it up. I have been feeling worse and worse than I did in the first 3 days of my no contact. Each day i felt myself sink deeper into this deep state of sadness. And the first few days I was i just thought it was myself missing him and just the awful feelings that come with a break-up. I wont lie i was frustrated with myself, because week one was a walk in the park and i was fine but this week i have been hit by a bus. But then i realised why i could be feeling like this.
Loneliness!
I am about to be very forth coming so please..we listen and we don't judge lol. These feeling of sadness i have been feeling is my loneliness. I sat down with myself and got to thinking why I am struggling so much and it was because i have no one. When i say no one i mean someone talking to me that could lead to a relationship. During week one i was talking to multiple people. So the gap of not having my Dom to give random Dailly updates was filled. But then they just dwindled and fell away and i was left to myself.
My phone was silent, and thats where it started. This past week i have realised a bad habit or a toxic trait rather, is that I have never been by myself. I have hoped from one dynamic to another then to a relationship then to a talking stage then to a situationship. And i have never been lonely because i have always had a place holder to fill that gap that the previous relationship let. But that gap has gotten bigger over time. But i want to break that pattern and i will. What i do is not a healthy habit at all to have...and i feel so angry with myself when i think of what this trait ties back to about me as a person and how i value myself and a whole lot of other things. But i will be easy on myself...or atleast try to. There men and woman twice my age dealing with the same thing so i will be kinder.
hopefully week 3 will be better lol
