Week 1
There was one more rule that I forgot, which is very important. Have a support system!!! Or an accountability partner!!! What ever you want to call them does not matter. But you need someone or more that know what you are going through and know you are doing the 30 days no contact. They will check up on you make sure you are eating, getting out of bed, give you unsolicited advise and most importantly be your shoulder to cry on
Day 1 – 21 January 2025
Out of love by Alessia Cara
Today was extremely hard. I woke up this morning and I was fine or so I thought, there was no aching feeling in my chest and I would say I got at least 5 hours of sleep which is much progress than the 3-eish of the day before. But as soon as I got to work and sat in my chair I was hit by a wave of emotions and I just started crying. Which shocked me because I made the deliberate decision to listen to my upbeat music and skip any sad songs on my playlist the whole way to work.
I was so angry with myself for still crying so much, and on the peak of my crying a friend messaged me and I couldn’t hold it. I called him and broke down crying, mind you this was now the third person I had cried too. He listened to my jumbled sentences and stayed silent as I tried to catch my breath and counted for me to breath in and out and was understanding as I aired out my frustrations with myself for still crying so much and as I called myself a baby and reprimanded me when I said I was stupid and dumb for feeling like this. He reminded me it’s only been 3 days since my Dom ended things I need to be more understanding of myself.
He gently reminded me that I should freshen up before I try and start doing some work. But before he ended our call, he said to me “This is not you. Do not let this hurt that you are feeling turn you into something you are not my love. You are funny, caring, kind and such a bubbly person. Do not do yourself an injustice and lose yourself in this maze of pain” and those words stuck with me for the rest of the day. I did as he said and pulled myself together and had a rather productive day at work. As lunchtime approached, he messaged to check if I had eaten something and my response was no. Honestly speaking I hadn’t had an appetite the last few days, I wasn’t in the mood to eat and my body was clearly not hungry either, because the usual signs where not there no growling or it being sore. But then I remembered what he had said, and I ate something. Now it was an actual meal, it was a muffin and a slice of peanut butter and butter bread. Now I know it’s not the best but it’s a big leap from a single rice cake or just a cup of tea. So, I will take that.
Day 2 – 22 January 2025
Blue by Billie Eilish
HE MESSAGED ME!!! This is not a drill people. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I woke up this morning to a text from him and boy was I sweating bullets. By default, the first thing I did as soon as I woke up, I reached for my phone and went into WhatsApp as usual. And that is when I noticed that my messages went up by 1 and I knew it was him.
When they say curiosity killed the cat, I can finally relate to the cat lol. I was soooo confused and going through the most emotionally. At first I was like omg I can’t not respond for the next 30 days that is so mean of me, to thinking how I will give my phone to my cousin so she can read the message and respond on my behalf, to me thinking that what if this message is him saying he regrets it he has changed his mind, to just simply curiosity to what it is he had said. #we were supposed to talk about my response and some points I had made. But after talking to my support system, she and he made me realize. So, I stayed strong in my resolve and said I will read them when I am done with my 30 days.
Let’s see if I can try not to reach for my phone first thing in the morning??
Day 3– 23 January 2025
Your Power by Billie Eilish
I have first, second, third and ALL the degrees of embarrassment. Grief is a messy thing. I am just remembering how I was the Sunday which was the evening things were ended. I was keeping it together and my mom called everyone to the lounge to have like our evening prayer where everyone comes with a scripture, and we share the word. Everything was fine until it was my turn. And it was at that moment that moment that my tears decided to make their grand entrance.
My mom being the angel, she is excused us and took me to the room where I proceeded to cry and whale. And she just hugged me and let me cry, in between she tried to get me to drink water and take my asthma pump. She never asked me why I was crying or anything but I know she knew it was about a boy and she just said to me while rubbing my back “What is yours will always be yours no matter what, even if it leaves it will come back and if it doesn’t come back then you will know that it was never yours to begin with”
The next day I had to put on my brave face and head to work, and boy oh boy was that a challenge. I am fashion girl through and through but that day I wore pumps!!! A few tears were shed on the bus. But the kicker was when I got to work, I greeted the cleaner that was in the hallway as usual unlocked the office and went inside. As I sat down at my chair my chin trembled and the waterworks were back in full swing including the sound effects lol. So much so that the cleaner rushed in to check on me when she heard me crying, she stayed with me for like 5 minutes before she left. But damn the awkwardness when she came to clean was comical. lol
I will never allow this to happen to myself ever again.
Day 4– 24 January 2025
Prince Ali - Aladin
“Prince Ali, amorous he, Ali Ababwa Heard your princess was hot! Where is she?” She is here! Today was a good day, I dressed up and I felt good. I do understand that how I feel today may not how I feel tomorrow. But I have decided to handle my emotions as they come if I am sad today let it be, if I am angry let it be if I am feeling like the baddest b then so be it.
I realised something between last night and this which is... In a nutshell, I am not everyone’s cup of tea, liking someone is not enough. And with that being said let the weekend begin. I have my first ever bdsm party tomorrow and I can not wait. I don’t know what to wear though
Day 5– 25 January 2025
Espresso by Sabrina Carpenta
Today was amazing. Life can be life even after someone's departure…life is for the living. It felt so good to put myself out there. I had so much fun everyone was supper friendly as well. I think I might want to go to the next one.
It was however a slap on the wrist, I saw how all these doms were with their subs and I thought ugh man that could have been meeee. But you know what we will not dwell on it. Just because I never got to do it with him doesn’t mean I will never get to experience it.
So with that being said I am off to bed because my smart self, chose to wear heels.
Day 6– 26 January 2025
Pretty wings by Maxwell
Sleeping in has never felt better. I stayed in bed rotting for most of the bed listening to music, reading my book and just sitting in my thoughts.
Do I think these 30 days is enough???Kinda, I think its enough time for moving on from the break up but I do not think it is enough time for me. Meaning that these 30 days was soley focused on recovering from a breakup…but that is not were it should end. I feel like I need time for me…I feel like I have made myself fit the mold of my partner whether it be vanilla or bdsm wise. They have told me their “type” and I have tried to become that, whether that be good or bad. I want to be my own mold. I want to forget whatever it is that everyone else says they want and all that. And be my own standard. With this break up I realized that he did not settle. However he or I put without playing the blame game..there was something about me he simply did not want …and he was not going to settle for anything less than his ideal sub.
I am still sad about it though…but it wont kill me. At the end of the day the day will end
Day 7– 27 January 2025
My own by H.E.R
I was still on the same wave as yesterday but went further and I see a pattern of an unrealistic high standard I hold myself to.
Older men! One thing I am not shy about is my interest for older men. I have always been interested and more attracted to a guy simply because he was significantly older than me, whether it be 6 years or even double my age. And for some reason the older men have been drawn to me as well.
And it is always so gut wrenching when things end because it has left me feeling like I’m not what they want, or I’m not good enough xyz. But it is just dawning on me…I AM 20. (turning 21 on 21 feb *keep the date in mind lol*) but omg I’m 20 and was even younger than that in previous relationships/dynamics.
These men that are x amount of years older than me have had x amount of years extra than me to find themselves, to explore, to realize what they want in life, how their future will look etc. While I was still in primary school- middle school they were in university or getting their first job or loosing their virginity to some hot university chick or what ever where as I was stressing over 5th grade math’s.
We have 2 different developmental timelines and I need to keep that in mind. So I at 20 can not expect to be his dreamgirl at xyz age because I just have not had the time to get there in life. Maybe I will be his dream girl at 25 or whatever and if I am we shall meet again. So let this is a moment of reckoning for all the older men/woman loving girls/boys. give yourself the grace to be where you are for your age…they were not rushing themselves at your age to be this everything person. So be kind and don’t do that to yourself
Xoxo Your young big sister mwuah kissy face lol
Day 8– 28 January 2025
Back on 74 by Jungle
What a week. Ups and downs….today is my last emotional day because from day 9 “You gotta get on your zoom at 10!”
I have read back on the stuff I have written and I would like to say we are making progress. Our brain is processing things, we are having good thoughts, we are thinking. Which is all good, I am not shying away from my feelings or ignoring them. I am taking them as they come. So cheers to week 1 of 4. We made it, we cried, we were angry, we laughed we are breathing. So that in itself is progress. Do I still think of him absolutely but that is fine I Loved, cared about him deeply and always will, but he does not need to be part of my life for me to still love and care about him. But we are moving forward still. Like he says “We move”
Or like from finding Nemo “ Just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming” heres to the next 22 days
Xoxo Gossip girls
