[TW: Sexual assault] i am on a roll with these trigger warnings today (i am trying to find some humour- apologies if it was corny)
Hm Hm Taday drained me - its a tiktok reference and is absolutely hilarious.
one would think that after the news of my friend i would get it easy the rest of the day...but boy was i wrong.
So in our line like every line of work there are those annoying sales reps that would advertise the sun if they could.
But this sales rep was different lets call her Ela. Ela is so sweet she has been trying to have a meeting with my boss for the last 2 months but something has come up and either end up canceling. One of the meetings were booked on her birthday and she said she would come with some cake for us but she had to cancel last minute the next day she sent a full cake.
So Ela had a meeting booked with my boss 2 weeks ago but missed it and when i would call she wasnt answering so i just said oh well and left it at that. this morning she walked in and i could tell she was not herself. She began to apologize profusely. how sorry she is that she missed her appointment. and i kept reassuring her that it was fine and i can book an appointment for her.
she then began to explain that she has some personal stuff going on but it isnt something you can just discuss. that she is not even supposed to be at work but she just needs to be out of the house. so i didnt ask her what it was. she gave me calendars and was on her way out but she was still talking and lingering around like she wasnt ready to leave, and she kept repeating the same thing that it is personal and all that. so i said everything will work out itself eventually. and its like that hit a nerve cz she broke down crying. so i grabbed my tissues went to the other side of the counter and directed her towards the chairs. and she sobbed and said "this is not something that will ever work out"
i kept quite and let her talk and she said everything feels like a lie. she found out that her partner of 17 years has been sexual assulting her daughter since she was 12 years old....her daughter is now 17. And she only found out 2 weeks ago. and i let her explain the rest. and it was such a surreal moment for us both. we were holding each others hands and crying together, and i dont know why but in that moment i thought i should share something with her.
And i told her that the same thing happened to me with my brother in law and i never really told my mom. and i explained our point of view, how its scary and terrifying, scared of the judgement scared of not being believed scared of how it would affect everyone around us. so we stay silent and sacrifice ourselves. it was such a vulnerable moment and in that moment i saw she understood her daughters sillence even though she did not agree with it and i saw how sometimes keeping quite is worse than speaking out.
it was worth it reliving it all for her to understand, but after it was hard once we gathered ourselves sat in silence for a bit and said goodbye. and i was btt myself. then it hit me. i was so anxious and in such a dark place...i was having flashbacks of the things he had done and said to me. and i felt like i was transported back in time to the time it first happened. and it felt so real. i would try snapping out of it but my mind wonder and i would be right back there in that kitchen in the middle of the night when it all started.
i have not healed from it all, i have not moved on i have not grown up from it. i have just shrugged my shoulders and said oh well. even when talking to people i would dismiss their concern and worries and be like meh its not that big of deal. but it is...and i have not gotten over it.
but i do not want to have to relive all that...but i cant live in fear. it will always be there in the back of my mind this makes me think of wildflower by billie eillsih. but i dont know how too. what do i even do where do i start...but i know it is something i need to do cz i cannot live like this.
i am a scarred to, i have tihs weird fear that going through it will make me a bttier person i do not want to admitt that it has affected me that much...but it has and not doing anything makes it worse...but where do i start?