i would like to start this off by saying thank you. Thank to all the people that took the time to inbox me and gives me words of encouragement. they are much appreciated. Everyone grieves differently, and it is important to "read the room". I know the guilt i felt is not logical...as well as the regret. But that is still how i felt, and right now that is not what i need to hear, i know that already.
So last night after posting my blog i made my way and found it hard to sleep, i was just restless so i was just thinking about everything and her. and response i a got from a Dom that shared his wife/sub that recently passed away (i got his permission to include this in my blog). He told me how he too blamed himself and felt all levels of regret and found it so hard to grieve. But with time he found it easier to grieve if he would remember the person she was. and when i did that i was able to sleep better.
Today was her memorial service. And just to give some insight memorials/funerals are a big part of South African and African culture. When someone passes away and their body has been given to the family the body is taken to their home and kept either in the main room where everyone is sitting or in a separate room . All "comfortable" furniture like couches, chairs, the TV and the beds, well they leave one mattress for the close family to sit on, and then plastic chairs are brought for the men to sit on while the woman sit on the floor. This is said that it is to give the living a glimpse of the pain of the person that has passed away. The woman must tie their hair with a scarf and wrap a towel/sheet around their waist, and another scarf around their shoulders. There is usually the pastor of the from the church they attended as well as other members from the church, their friends and family and neighbors attend. The pastor preaches, and certain people are allowed to speak, we sing mourning songs, cry and donate money/food and when it alll said and done juice/tea and scones are served and you leave.
That is what we did for my dear friend. And it was so heartwarming to see the amount of people that showed up for her service. the house was packed and the street was packed from all the cars. It just goes to show the beautiful of person she was.
i spent most of my time with her kids, when i saw them yesterday they were all so angry and fighting with each other which is understandable. But today they were different, they were comforted by the turn out. We sat outside in the garden and i told them about their mom, we laughed we cried. And it was beautiful. i felt a piece of my heart come back together. Obviously the are still saddened by it all but one of them said to me i can see how you are pushing through this and it is giving me the strength to do the same. And that is all i could ever hope for.
She would want us to be happy to laugh to dance to her favourite songs and be happy. She was not a sad person. she lived a bright vibrant life. And in honour of that we will carry it on. There will be times when there are hard days but i will to my best to live up to your memory my friend.
Oh my dear friend, you will be missed. You touched me in ways i never got to tell you. but one day when we meet again i will tell you. but until then i will keep your memories close...I love you. Rest easy my friend.