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Steellover

Random thoughts. Some of them will be erotic and kink-related, but some of them won't be, and as such people might find them boring. Some will be related to personal fantasies, but some to personal experiences as well.
1 week ago. March 21, 2024 at 12:54 AM

It was four years ago that the world went to shit, and everything ended.

Four years ago that we were sent home from the office, stores, buisnesses, parks, restaurants and clubs shut down.

It was like the zombie apocalypse.  I remember being at the crowded supermarket, the shelves bare, frantic and stressed out people everywhere, even the cashiers.  One of them, on the sly, scanned a jar of pasta sauce I had tried to buy and, while I wasn't looking, stuffed it under the counter for himself. Unethical?  Sure, but maybe he must have needed it.  It wouldn't have done any good reporting him and I didn't even realize he'd gotten away with it it until I got home.

I remember the fear, the despair.  Each new day seemed to bring a whole month's worth of horrible news.  For the days, weeks, afterwards, I scanned the news, hoping for some slight glimmer of hope, or sliver of good news, but there was none. Not one glimmer, not one sliver. Instead, over and over, it was like the worst possible outcome or most nightmare scenario imaginable, but yet- what actually would transpire was somehow even worse than the worst possible outcome or nightmare scenario.

No more working at the office and seeing people every day. Trying to set up a home office, get the computer to connect remotely, was challenging and sometimes the network would just drop you for no reason- some days worse than others.  Then, trying to plan lunch meals instead of just grabbing something downtown.  Whole days would pass by where I saw not one single other human being.  Except maybe for tiles on a computer screen.

There was a big music festival that was supposed to be happening then. The 2020 Treefort Music Festival, scheduled for March 18 through the 22nd. I remember riding my bike downtown that Friday, the 20th. It was supposed to have been thronging with happy, joyous people milling about, and music ringing out from a dozen clubs and bars.  But all I saw was deserted streets.  Maybe one or two disheveled homeless people shuffling around, but that was it. No music, only eerie silence. There were barely even any cars on the road.  

Back at home, the loneliness, the isolation, already seemed to be like a monolith of despair. No human contact allowed.  No gatherings, fun is illegal.  They might have the "Cootie Virus" and not even realize it, as the morbid joke went.

But yet, I thought, at the worst, okay maybe I can do this for a few weeks.  Even the most nightmare scenario or worse possible outcome was predicting that it would only last till fall, but even that was unthinkably horrible to me.  But of course, what actually transpired was even worse than the worst possible outcome or nightmare scenario.  The days of isolation turned to weeks, then the weeks into months.  Summer came and went, fall came and went, and the lockdowns, quarantines, cancelled events, and postponed life continued.  Concerts, festivals, holidays, events, gatherings- all cancelled.  Art fairs, dating plans- cancelled.   Halloween- Cancelled.  Thanksgiving- Cancelled. Christmas- well, the I guess the Grinch finally got away with it that year.

I found solace in hobbies- art and music, and in the outdoors, where I explored places I had never been to. I turned inward.  But the lack of human contact, of any fun or joy involving other people, really began to wear on me.  And most of all, the fear that this "New Normal" would never end, that this was to be the extent of human existence forever- humanity at arms length, social interaction limited to just tiled faces seen through computer screens.  Because some were predicting that, too.  And the pattern was always that the worst predictions about the virus came true.

But thankfully some semblance of normal life did resume: slowly, tentatively, but surely,.  And for that I am grateful.  At the 2022 Treefort music festival, one band said it like this:  "It's like coming up for air."  If nothing else, it made me thankful for everything and everyone I took for granted and missed. Hard times will do that. Which is why I never take things for granted anymore but cherish each and every personal contact I have with friends and family- and fun gatherings.

Anyway, that's all I got, see ya.

1 week ago. March 16, 2024 at 5:46 AM

You sit and think about her when she's not there. Wondering what she's doing tonight, who she's with, if she's out with her friends, or home with her family. 

You lay awake in bed, thinking about her, wishing you could share a space with her, but it's way beyond just sleazy sexual fantasies. 

You dream about watching the sunset in the hills with her, cuddling with her on the couch watching a corny romantic movie, sitting with her by the fire, taking her to your special places you like to escape to: The rock by the creek with the strange carving.  That lake up in the mountains you hike to.  That hot spring pool- except there aren't a ton of other people already packed in like sardines (like there always seems to be these days when you try going to natural hot springs pools.)

To you, she's the most beautiful woman you've ever seen, even though other people might not think so.

I saw her again the other day, at the hair salon. I still got butterflies, even though I'm a grown man who should have all the confidence in the world. I know some of her story; she is divorced, has three kids and already one grand kid. We do have a lot of the same interests. She gives really good haircuts, too.

I don't know all of her story though.  I don't know if she has some guy in her life already.  She may well already have, though she has not mentioned it.  If so, I hope that whoever he is, realizes how special she is and how lucky he is to be with someone so amazing, beautiful and fun.

But then again, I've been down this road before. The rational part of me realizes I'm too old for schoolboy crushes.  It almost never works out the way you want it to, and when you do get rejected, because you've let it build up so much, it hurts far more than when you casually meet someone you don't know all that well, and ask her out right away.  So it's foolish, at my age to have thoughts like this about someone, to put them on a pedestal like this.  Hopefully I will meet someone else soon, who will make me forget about Her.  

Geez, I'm sounding like an angsty 14 year old kid here. "Stop it!" says a wise therapist.  "Grow up!"  "Yeah, You're right," I reply.

 

So, I'll talk about something else:  Big music festival happening here next week. 

Tons of bands, but most of them are relatively unknown.  Well, there is one band I like, and I'd drop a youtube link here if I could but I'm not sure thats allowed if youre not a premium member.  They're called "Place to Bury Strangers," so check em out.  But that's one band out of four hundred. It costs like 150 dollars for a one day pass and like 500 for the whole five day festival, but to make it worthwhile you have to spend most of the five days wandering around watching bands, which can be pretty tiring, especially if you aren't familiar with most of the bands.  How do you know which ones are good and which ones are boring?  Maybe I'll spend the next five days checking all the festival bands on youtube, and then put together a list for when I drop the $500 for the festival. Or, just wait until Place to Bury Strangers goes on tour by themselves, and go see em then.

 

2 weeks ago. March 13, 2024 at 3:56 AM

At work Monday morning, chatting with the bros.  Talking about our weekend adventures:  Snowboarding, heading out to the hills to pick agates, having a beer with my buds.  

With my old friends, it's just a couple beers, watching sports, talking about work, cars, past adventures, home improvement ideas, whether the Warriors have a chance this year (I don't think they do) or whether Kyle Larson will win more races this year (He's a great driver so, probably).  Usual guy talk.

 

But behind closed doors, I'm... whatever She wants me to be.  What happens behind closed doors between the two of us remains behind closed doors. It is our secret, our space to explore. I am Her toy, Her servant, Her lover, or whatever Her moods demand me to be.  It is a safe space, that we share. 

 

But what happens behind closed doors stays there, as what we share there, and the rolls we play, are our own.  Nobody's buisness.

 

At work, my work shirt hides the marks of Her discipline, and perhaps She even hid a special device to exert control over me, in my jeans.  I'm more easily controlled that way, she always says.  I do grow envious of other men who are allowed to let it hang free. (or, I WANT to be ABLE to grow, so to speak!) 

I'll never know what She tells Her friends.  That's not up to me anyway.  Though once, I saw one of her co-workers look at me strangely and then smile. 

 

And so at our work break, I chat with my co-workers, talking about weekend adventures, snowboarding, heading out to the hills, and times with my buds. 

 

And maybe I'll say that I got to spend some time with my wife/girlfriend- and leave it at that.

 

Anyway I haven't made any blog entries in a while but I just saw a thread about "The submissive personality" and thought I would share.  That's about it, see ya. 

1 month ago. February 15, 2024 at 1:18 AM

For all you guys out there, hope you have a special evening.  May you make Her feel special. May you do something nice for your someone, share some romantic times and make it as kinky as you wish.

 

For all your women out there, may your man take care of you, and may you share the love and companionship you deserve.

 

For all you single people like me...  let's get %&&* drunk!

1 month ago. February 9, 2024 at 3:03 AM

"Hey Gino" (not his real name dummy)

"Who are you gonna root for on Sunday?" I asked, while casually chatting at work.

"Oh, I don't watch sports anymore.  I'm not even gonna turn it on.  Probably gonna take the boys fishing, or do some maintenance on my bike."

"Why not?" I asked.

 

He then launched into a spiel about how the Super Bowl, and most sports in general, are just a diversion, "Bread and Circuses," so to speak, so the global elite Bohemian Grove Illuminatti who Secretly Control Everything can keep us entertained while they hatch their nefarious plans to control the world's population and reap the wealth and power.  Total Alex Jones Infowars conspiracy type stuff.  And he kept this up for quite a while; about how our country's sovereignity is being stripped away, everything that happens, all events, pandemics, wars, and what not are part of their whole global plan for dominance, and you can't trust the media because they are being controlled too, and on and on- and the best chance for stopping it is, you may have guessed, to vote for Donald Trump.

 

I respect people's opinions- I really do, but this dude sounded to me like he spent way too much time following some dark rabbit holes. I don't disagree that there are problems in the world, and let's just say that the thing he proposes as a "solution" to the problems is something I see as a big part of them. Maybe we really are being manipulated, but maybe he is too- being led down a dark rabbithole for a different nefarious end.

 

  But I, for one, would rather forget about the problems of the world, for a little while, and come together, with people of all stripes, genders, beliefs, sexual preferences, and so on- and get together and party on Sunday over good food, drinks, and sports.   I'm not gonna tell you which team to root for- although I will say that, having grown up in northern California, that might influence where my pro-sports loyalties lie.... But I am going to tell you that, even if you wish that somehow BOTH teams would lose- and I've heard that one a lot lately- it's a good excuse to get together, forget about the troubles of the world, and be with people just having fun.  Nothing wrong with escapism.  May your favorite team win on Sunday, and if you really don't care, then may you still have a fun Sunday anyway- even if it is fishing with the kids or working on your bike.

1 month ago. February 1, 2024 at 2:11 AM

Fellas, if you have ever been in either of these situations, I feel your pain.

 

It is a warm spring night.  They climb up the hill together, enjoying the spring air.  They  chat, sharing stories of their lives. They have so much in common!  They laugh, talk, and enjoy the warmth of the air, and each other. They had been out a couple times, but yet he is trying not to rush things. Still, the longing is there, for her touch, for her kiss. The conversation pauses. He look into her eyes.  She is beautiful, and sitting there, the setting sun reflecting off her hair, she gives him a warm smile, her eyes beckoning.  He leans over, and gently kisses her.

 

She pulls back, alarmed, eyes suddenly blazing with anger.  Giving him a shove backwards, she exclaims, "What are you DOING, you creep!"

 

And, embarrassed, he apologizes for his mistake. Silently, they walk down the hillside and back to the car. He drops her off at home, apologizing again.  She never calls him again.  Meanwhile, she tells her friends what an aggressive creep he was.

______________________________________

A month later, it is warm summer night. They climb up the hill together, enjoying the spring air.  They  chat, sharing stories of their lives. They have so much in common!  They laugh, talk, and enjoy the warmth of the air, and each other. They had been out a couple times, but yet he is trying not to rush things. Still, the longing is there, for her touch, for her kiss. The conversation pauses. He look into her eyes.  She is beautiful, and sitting there, the setting sun reflecting off her hair, she gives him a warm smile, her eyes beckoning.  He thinks about leaning over to kiss her. But he is wiser, having learned from experience.  A long silence passes.  They both sigh.  Eventually they resume making more small talk, about sports, people they knew from college and high school, their favorite bands, and their annoying opinionated relatives. 

 

Still chatting, they walk down the hillside and back to the car. He drops her off at home, hoping she will invite him in.  She does not.  In fact, she never calls him again, despite him desperately wanting to see her.  Meanwhile, she tells her friends that even though he was quite a gentleman, he was a total dud because he wouldn't kiss her.

 

So, what is a guy supposed to do, when he gets mixed signals like this?  I would rather be a lover, than fight a no win battle of the sexes.  Anyway, this is why it can be tough being a dude.   Unless of course you are already in a relationship- and even then, little misunderstandings in communication can and do come up.

Anyway, thanks for reading, see ya.

2 months ago. January 25, 2024 at 2:06 AM

In dark times, be the light you want to see.

And it seems like these are dark times. Hate, intolerance, totalitarian repressive government, ignorance- these things seem to be spreading unchecked, and that isn't even the worst.  The ever growing onslaught of horrible news around the world, and growing fear. It seems like fear sells.  Fear maybe is "Sexy" to these fear-mongering news outlets:  World War 3 is coming, Winter is coming, the Asteroid is coming, the Anti-christ is coming, no use planning for a future that will never come.

So be the light you want to see.  Don't be a part of the problem.  Instead of spreading hate and intolerance, do something nice for someone. Even a kind word, or a small gesture, or a glint of empathy, or understanding. Instead of spreading the latest Twit, twaddle, tweet, or link warning about some oncoming catastrophe, share a link to something positive and uplifing.  And perhaps, be uplifting yourself. 

 

I agree, it can be hard, in these dark times.  Sometimes its tempting to just say, fuck it, I give up.  

 

But just as the resistance fighters fought back against the brutality and unchecked hate spread by the Nazis during World War 2, often risking their lives to do so, perhaps we can show the same bravery and fight back against the darkness assailing our own world today.  

2 months ago. January 4, 2024 at 1:15 AM

I just got back from Christmas break with the family a couple days ago.  I've read a couple blogs about people's Christmas experiences, some experiences were positive, others not so much.  It was certainly a mixed bag for me.  On one hand, I got to relax and sleep in and see family and that was great.  On the other...it rained most of the time so I was cooped up indoors, and, my favorite uncle died.

But, sucky as that was, this post isn't about that.  This post is about...

 

....Baseball.

 

Because, my uncle was a huge sports fan and baseball was his passion. Both coaching little league, and watching the game; he had been around the game his whole life.  He lived a long, fulfilling life, both around sports and family.  In his last few months, he had suffered severe brain damage that had left him a vegetable, so his passing at age 93, just three days before Christmas, was not unexpected and in a way kind of a blessing.  But I don't want to make this a "sad" post; he loved watching his San Francisco Giants, and so did I, and so instead I'll honor him and talk about my first baseball game.

 

June 1979...  I'm still just a little kid then, and the Giants were having a so-so season; they'd finish just below .500 that year.  One morning, my uncle came over and announced "I'm taking you guys out to the ballgame!" My cousins were huge into sports, much more so than me; I was only a novice whose interests lie more in "Star Wars" and those cheesy TV space-themed shows that were on at that time.  So we get out to "The Stick," as the now-defunct Candlestick Park was known.  My dad, brother, two cousins and my uncle.

We were playing the Astros.  Ed Halicki was pitching for the Giants that day. Good old Ed had been a pretty good pitcher for us, and had even thrown a no-hitter a few years before; and it would be more than 30 years before any Giants pitcher repeated that feat.  But old Ed certainly didn't have his best stuff that day, that's for sure.  In the first inning, the Giants scratched out a run by stringing together a couple base hits and a sacrifice fly, and not long after, they still had two men on base with two outs.  Then, this guy, Willie McCovey, stepped up to the plate. McCovey was an aging slugger who had been a huge star in the 1960's and 70's, and had spent almost his entire career with San Francisco.  And...late in his career though he was, he still had it!  CRACK!  That ball carried clear over the center field fence!  OUTAHERE!  Just like that, it was four-nothing Giants.  As an impressionable kid, I couldn't even express how excited this was. In my first live game I witnessed, a legendary hitter gets a three run home run- you bet I was stoked!

But alas, Halicki began to crack after inning number four, and by inning 5, that four run lead had evaporated- and Halicki was yanked from the mound.  And soon, it because 5-4 Astros, then 6-4 Astros (as the bullpen wasn't faring much better) and by the 9th inning it was 7-5 favor Houston.  Though the Giants tried to rally, they scored just one more run late in the game and it ended up in the record books as a Giants loss.  I was heartbroken.  The Giants would, in fact, break my heart many times over the years before finally winning their first of three titles in 2010. 

But nonetheless, I left the stadium that day as a Giants fan and would remain one for life.  My uncle and cousins, who knew the game probably better than anyone who hadn't actually played it professionally, seemed to have memorized the stats of every player on the field and it was fun to listen to them and learn about the game from them.

So, my uncle's gone, and baseball season doesn't start for a few months, and I'm not so sure about the Giants' prospects this year. (The Dodgers have such a stacked roster it's hard to imagine anyone but them winning the division.)  But I will always remember him for his love of baseball and for him introducing me to the game.  Thanks for reading.

2 months ago. January 3, 2024 at 12:53 AM

Everyone has "New Years Resolutions."  

I look at it differently; I look at it the way all those white collar jobs people look at it, what are your "Goals" for next year.

A ton of people, myself included, always cringe at those mandatory requests, put together a list of "Goals" for the year and things you want to achieve. (Fail at them, and you get a bad performance review.  Baaah! One of those "office space" type workplace annoyances!)

It's different when it's your personal life though.  You can be hard on yourself, but it's not like a job-related performance review like we all hate, because your livelihood literally depends on it. What are some life goals? For example,  "Lose Weight, Exercise more."  Almost everyone has listed this as a new years resolution at some point in their lives; probably even super athletes list these at some point.  So this one, for me, goes without saying.  Nothing wrong with wanting to live a healthy lifestyle.  But then it's an ongoing goal, rather than a "Resolution."  Goals are something you work on to improve your self and are not always a concrete tangible objective.

Other personal goals?  Seek healthy and lasting relationships.  Both friendship and romantic ones.  I am lucky to have some great friends, but I haven't been as successful at having healthy romantic ones.  This is a goal to work on.

Get the house re-painted, get an instagram account set up.  These are tangible things I should probably get done, and I've kind of been putting them off.  I have all year though.

 

And finally, a personal goal of mine: create more interesting blog posts.  Hopefully the next one will be more interesting than this one.

3 months ago. December 14, 2023 at 5:13 AM

So, here's a less stressful and hopefully fun post. Trying to lighten the mood, maybe.

I remember when my little brother turned 8, and I was like 10 or 11, he got this plastic space helmet with a red see-thru visor for his 8th birthday. Back in those days, kids birthdays were always held at the Chuck E. Cheese pizza, because they had a ton of video games there, along with animitronic robots who would periodically do this corny song and dance thing. (And pizza. Almost forgot that last thing.)  So, quarters in hand, we all would go nuts playing stuff like Pac Man, Asteroids, Defender, Centipede, Tempest, and, my favorite- Xevious.  But my brother was wearing his brand new plastic space helmet in the arcade, blasting away at space invaders, bugs, and giant space rocks, and all the other 7 and 8 year olds thought he was the coolest kid in the whole place.  Everyone wanted to be like my brother, with his spiffy plastic space helmet.  Except me and my fellow 11 year olds, who snarkily thought, man, what a dork.

So, the next year, I turned 12, and got a Dungeons and Dragons t-shirt for my birthday.  Stoked!.  The previous year, us kids had discovered Dungeons and Dragons, and we thought we were the coolest kids ever.  It was a fun game and fun way to escape with some dice and a crude hand drawn map full of orcs, trolls, and undead monsters.  So I proudly wore that shirt to soccer practice and thought I was hot shit.  But a few kids, who were a couple years older than me, said, man, Dungeons and Dragons?  You're into that?  You are such a dork!

Then, before we were even of legal age to drink, drink we did, and thought we were the coolest kids ever.  "Beer and Bong Hits dude! Lets Get Fucked Up!"  went the common refrain. Us college aged kids, proudly bragging about how many beers and how many shots we had the previous night.  Sometimes we'd encounter old dudes who were as wasted as we were.  We always thought, at the time, "Man, that dude needs to be in A.A.  I hope I'm not still doing that shit when I'm 40!  By the way, I need another beer.  Hey Noa, wanna pack another bowl?"

And I see these kids now, many of them barely 21, at bars and clubs (When I have the occasion to go out) and think, man, what a bunch of drunken idiots.  Were we really that obnoxious?  Well, yeah, I guess we were.  I'm thankfully pretty much a lightweight these days.

But I did get a lot of grief back in High School for liking Iron Maiden, Slayer, and Metallica.  "You like that loud metal crap?  Geez, you are such a dork!" the preppy and/or jocky kids would say to me.  Flash forward, however many years ago that was- and, well, I can't help it; I still like Iron Maiden, Slayer, and Metallica.  I guess I'm just a big dork.