Steellover

So far, most of what I have posted has been pretty "Dry."  Part of the reason is, I don't want this whole thing to just be one wank fantasy after another, but this IS an adult- content themed blog after all.  So hopefully, maybe once in a while it is okay to spice things up a bit.

This is NOT a fantasy, but it is reliving one of my most vivid and intense sexual experiences I have ever had with a professional domme. She was the real deal, but as I have mentioned, because she was a pro, ultimately her main kink, and perhaps only true one, was nothing more than financial domination, and so the relationship was not sustainable.  I've talked about that before so I won't go into it further.

She had told me after one session to train my virgin asshole.  As a relatively virile and active heterosexual guy, of course I had never been penetrated before, and thus, I was a true anal virgin.  Anyone who has "played around" like this knows that if you immediately start with a ten inch plastic pal, not only will it be incredibly painful, but possibly do some lasting damage. You have to work up to it.

So I started at home, with silicone rubber plugs and plenty of lube.  At first, the middle sized (4") plug felt like too much, uncomfortable and almost painful. But before long, I got used to the sensation, once inserted, even though I could feel it, I had no problem even using the five inch plug.  Then I began to imagine myself being with Her, dressed like a young prostitute in the sluttiest of outfits, ready to service Her, to be taken, used and fucked by Her.  One day, while wearing the plug (by which time I was totally comfortable) I had even dressed in a pair of slutty shorts and fishnets, and  I imagined myself slurping on Her strap on, being told by her to suck it dry like a whore.  Suddenly the feeling of being full, coupled with this fantasy, was almost too much to bear and I almost orgasmd myself in private.  But of course, I had promised her, no cumming without Her permission; that was Her rule.

 She had bigger plugs, up to seven inches, bigger than the silicone starter kit I had, which she used on me, which stretched me even further. She was training me and working up to when I was ready for Her ultimate appendage, with which she would take me. After a couple sessions, one day, She thought I was ready.

I showed up at Her door. She was wearing the tiniest of plaid naughty schoolgirl skirts, and a black bikini bra.  I was wearing the slutty shorts and fishnets that I had worn just the other day.  She looked like every guy's dream sexual fantasy, the type of hot cheerleader that an alpha type would just throw down on the bed and take. But not me.  I could only fantasize about being one of those guys.  She liked to rub it in, saying "Your pathetic cock can never satisfy me like a real man." That, of course, only made it more intense, and my submission more complete.  I looked at her with longing desparation, but knowing would not get to fuck her.  Because today, She would fuck me. And not the other way around.

"What are you staring at. On your knees!" She commanded. I did as I was told.  "And take off those slutty shorts."  

After doing so she ordered me to massage her feet. I did so, as I was trained.  She had taught me how to properly do this, like everything else, down to the finest detail.  While I did so, I was basking in Her gorgeous, commanding presence. It would get more intense.  She led me to the bedroom, by the leash She had tied to my balls, and ordered me to kneel in front of her. She brought out a large plastic penis.  "This is what My lover looks like.  Your tiny pathetic cock can never satisfy me, so suck on this one for me."

I did so, my head bobbing up and down the plastic appendage, slurping it hungrily.  I could almost feel myself living vicariously through Her lover, imagining that being MY cock, and Her mouth on it.  She looked SOOO naughty in that tiny plaid skirt. 

"SUCK on it" Suck it!" She ordered.  I did so, harder and faster, as if I could make Her imaginary cock ejaculate in my face.

Finally after some moments, she ordered me onto the bed. Naked, ass in the air, head in the pillow, hands splayed to the side. 

She left the room, and returned with a plastic rod, nearly ten inches long and at least an inch and a quarter in diameter.  She got up on the bed, behind where I lay splayed out.  

I felt it probing me, then gasped as it slid in.  The first couple inches went smoothly. I felt the familiar feeling of fullness, but I was used to it.  This wasn't so bad.  It went in further, two more inches, and I gasped.  By now, I was starting to feel uncomfortable, like seriously being violated. "That's right, take it, like a good little slut." She whispered.  It went in even further still.  Now it began to feel like being split open, like it was actually clear up into my intestines. I had never felt so violated before.  The stretching, tearing feeling became intense. At one point I felt the sudden urge to pee badly, like I was literally going to piss the bed, but then it felt like taking a huge crap only in reverse. As she drove it in deeper, I began to moan, a mixture of both pain, discomfort, and oddly, a strange, almost peaceful ecstasy.   By now, She had buried nearly a full nine inches inside me.  I moaned louder.  At this point, she grabbed a leather flogger, and slapped me across my bare and violated ass with it.  "Quiet, slut!" she snapped. 

That was what totally sent me over the edge.  I became nothing, but a quivering pile of submission to her.  The subspace high was more intense than anything I had ever experienced, before or since. When She pulled out, I felt the usual relief, and shock at how much of her huge plastic appendage she had taken me with. She had gotten almost all ten inches inside me. She later told me she was proud of me for that.

But all I felt then was an indescribable sense of belonging- belonging to Her.  I was literally a puddle of submissive groveling goo on the floor, just basking in Her power and radiant sexuality.  I cannot describe the feeling I had at that point other than it was intense, of being taken to a headspace that was more intense and intimate than I could ever have imagined.  And being totally used, spent, violated, for such an amazing, powerful, and beautiful woman. She let me lie there for several minutes, grovelling at her feet, rubbing them lovingly.  It was all I wanted to do; I was in heaven.

"Thank you, Mistress." I said. "Thank you, THANK you so much.  You are such a beautiful and amazing Goddess. It is an honor to be Your anal slut boy."

She smiled and said, "You're welcome, slave."

So, that was, to this day, my most intense erotic experience ever. I wish I could say that it was always like that with me and my Domme, but as a professional, Her priorities were clear- get me to spend as much cash on Her as possible with as little intimacy as possible.  The relationship could not continue for long. But while it was lasted and was good- it was REALLY good.

I promise I'll be "Good" next time and write about something less "kinky." Because honestly, I bet a lot of people frankly aren't gonna be that into what I just shared above.  That's fine, too.

As I was driving home, I passed by one of the local "Girlie Bars" here in town (of which there are three.)  "Summer Bunnies- Coming Soon" the sign said. A couple of righteously hot girls were in the parking lot, presumably on smoke break or whatever.  As usual, I didn't stop in and just drove on.  I am of course, not in any serious relationship right now, and a lot of guys in my position would probably love hanging out in a girlie bar once in a while. But it's just not my thing, and I'll explain why.

First of all, let me say that I have no problem with women who wish to express themselves in this way. Women should be empowered to use their sexuality in whatever ways they see fit- and if they feel like they can earn some extra cash by working at a strip club, then more power to them.  And I don't really have a problem with guys who hang out in these places either; it's their choice.

But here's one scenario:  I was at a typical dude's bachelor party, and a few of us guys had, as per tradition, headed on down to one of the local strip clubs.  The girls were all really sexy of course, and everyone (including the groom) paid for at least one "private dance" at some point.  But one guy, older, drunk (naturally) confessed to me, as we were sitting next to the stage, that he had just spent over two hundred dollars there that night. "Oh, damn!" was my response.  I didn't know what to say, but I was thinking, "Geez buddy, at some point maybe you could have made better use of that two hundred dollars.  Like, I dunno, buy yourself more drinks, donate it it to charity, spend it on gifts for your family and kids, or spend it on an actual woman who actually wants to be with you and it isn't just her job to ACT like she wants to be with you."  But it wasn't really my place to judge the guy, after all.  This is why I, personally, don't really hang out at strip clubs very often- to each their own.

And this reason is simply, while it's nice when a hot girl grinds up against you, when you know deep down that the only reason she's doing it is because you are waving dollar bills around, it just isn't the same.  To them, you are no different than every other sweaty, sleazy drunk guy waving dollar bills at them.  To them it is all just a job, and you are just a source of income.  There is no real connection, and in the end, it is a rather empty feeling.  You may get aroused, but at the same time you feel like you are just like every other guy in the place, and are nothing but just a cash cow to be milked.

Now again, I am not saying there is anything wrong with any of this at all. It is what it is.  I suppose it's no different than buying an erotic painting or an erotic novel, or renting an adult video, I suppose.  I can only describe why, personally, hanging out in these places really doesn't do it for me. When I go out to a "normal" bar, or any social event in public, and meet someone, I like that there is always the possibility, however remote, that we will "click" and hit it off, and it will lead to a real romantic, and/or erotic adventure together.  But ironically, that possibility is almost non-existent at a strip club.  Unless (in some cases) I suppose if you are REALLY a high roller, and even then, the person who you end up with will more likely simply be a gold-digger than someone genuinely interested in you as a person.

But if you are in private, and a woman wants to give you a private dance because you know deep down she is really into you, and vice versa, that is a very powerful erotic feeling.  

I know this is a weird topic.  I hope I'm not coming across as some kind of prude here.  I'll try to post something more "BDSM-y" next time.  

Sometimes I find myself lying there thinking of a girl.  Sometimes it's a particular girl, or sometimes it's only someone I saw once from a distance- like that girl in the red miniskirt walking down 13th street the other day, or sometimes it's nobody in particular. Whoever she is, I find myself fantasizing about all of the kinky things I could experience with her, under the heel of her black leather boots, a quivering heap of submission as she make me into her "Toy to seduce and destroy."

Then again, sometimes I wish I had never discovered kink at all. 

My journey began like a lot of newbie male submissives: seeing a video or documentary of some kind, of some professional FemDom dungeon, then experiencing the most powerful sexual feelings I had ever imagined which were brought on by watching this.  Anyway, the fantasies started there. I was like a lot of newbies experiencing total sub-frenzy;  I wanted to experience it all.  And in the beginning (way back then, before I knew better) I probably even annoyed a domme or two (like many clueless newbs do) by trying to approach her without knowing how to properly be respectful. Something I do regret and apologize for, by the way.  I think you really can go too far down a rabbit hole sometimes with your fetishes and fantasies.  Maybe I'll share some of those fantasies in a later post...but maybe I won't.  People have probably heard it all before anyway.

The thing is, there are times when what I want is just a partner.  Someone to hold hands and sit on the couch and watch movies, or to cuddle up together with and watch the sunset up on the hill.  Someone to go for long drives into the hills with, go shopping with, strolling with, visiting art galleries and cool exhibits with.  But more than that, someone who gives me the same butterflies I had when I had my first crush as a kid. Where when you are not with them, you dream about being with them, and seeing them in the hallway or on the street makes your heart leap. 

In other words, I want LOVE.  

This need, I believe, is stronger than any kink or fetish, because no matter how intense those sexual feelings can be, ultimately it leaves you feeling empty in the end if there is no emotional bond.  I have gotten to experience these kinks first hand.  It was exhilarating and intense, but in the end, there was no bond.  She was a local pro domme, but only that.  The deep thrill, and the satisfaction quickly wore off when it became clear that her only real "kink" was in getting me to spend as much money on her as possible, without any promise or any benefit of a deeper connection.  First it was just the weekly session tributes, but then came more and more requests for expensive gifts and shopping sprees.  But the thing is, I was not "her boyfriend" or even "her sub," or even her ANYTHING-  I was just another client, just another source of income for her.  Like a weekly pension.  

After a while, that wasn't enough anymore.  Some guys may be into financial domination, but for me- I need some kind of deeper bond, or it just doesn't do it for me after a while.

And I realized I would gladly, eagerly, settle for the most vanilla sex life in the world, and  bury all these kinks in the darkest recesses of my mind forever, if or when I find that person who gives me the same kind of butterflies my first boyhood crush gave me, who makes my heart burn merely by sitting next to her, and whose touch sets me on fire more intensely than any whip or paddle.  And we would grow together, laugh together, support each other through both dark times and light, and it would be someone who I would walk barefoot through hell to make her happy.

Because that is love.  

This is going to be tough to write about, but I hope I can do so in a way that doesn't stir the pot.

I am, like many people, upset by the possibility of Roe/Wade being overturned in the U.S.

But it isn't just the thought of losing abortion access that worries me.  Technically speaking, as a male, I should have no say in this either way, although the problem is, many who are making this decision are likewise, men who will never have to face such a terrible choice. And thus, should have no say either way, either.  Which is part of the whole issue here.

But I fear there may be more at stake.

Whether you feel that the State should force an underage rape victim who has been brutally assaulted by her uncle to carry her rapist's baby to term against her will, is one thing- and for the record, yes, I do have a serious problem with this. 

Rather, I don't believe that for many of these so-called "pro life" activists, that abortion is the real issue.  Because even if they succeed in outlawing all abortions without any exceptions, I fear that they won't stop there.

Right now, there are plenty of ways to prevent unwanted pregnancies.  Condoms, the pill, and many other forms of contraception.  Make these free and easily available, and the demand for abortion would decrease. So logically you would expect that most pro-life activists would be ardently campaigning for these things.

Yet, they are not.  They are actively campaigning AGAINST them.  In fact, some are even hoping to outlaw all forms of contraception and birth control altogether.

Why? 

Because, abortion isn't really their main issue. 

What is it then?

It's simple:  Repression and control.

Control of other's sexual behaviors, restriction of other's sexual freedoms, denial of others' sexual pleasure, and most importantly, subjugation of women and women's sexuality. 

I would suspect that even if most people are pro-life to some degree (and for the record, most polls suggest that at least 60 percent of Americans still want some form of abortion to be legal) I would bet that only a VERY SMALL number of people would want to see birth control and contraception outlawed. The type of people who read Atwood's "The Handmaid's Tale" and instead of being horrified by the dystopian society portrayed in that work of fiction,  they are envious of it.

This should scare all of us.

If abstenence is your kink, or if sexual repression and control is your kink, then as I said in my last post, I am not here to judge, or to kink-shame.

But one thing everyone who partakes in the BDSM scene should know, it is that we should not subject unwilling participants or bystanders to our own kinks.  It's about being safe, sane, and above all.... CONSENSUAL.  When a governing body seeks to strip it's people of their most private and intimate freedoms, that is not consensual.  It goes way too far.

This is one of those deals where I've been struggling with what to post and how much to share.  Part of the problem has been, too much other stuff going on in my life that would be of no interest to the folks on here.

But the stuff that WOULD be of interest to people on here- the kink-related stuff; I'm still not sure I'm ready to share that.

Part of the reason is, ironically, fear of being shamed.

Kink shaming. 

It's one of those things that seems inevitable in the BDSM/fetish scene. It doesn't have to be this way, but I fear that sometimes, it is harder to avoid than some might think.

Let me start by saying that I myself am no exception, yes; I have been guilty of it too.  And before I go any further, let me apologize for it straight away.  It was one of those deals where I didn't mean to come across that way, but it came out that way, because it was a dynamic I did not understand and could not relate to.  I identify as a heterosexual, submissive male with certain kinks.  With that said, the "Daddy dom/little girl" kink is not really my thing.  I didn't understand it, and could not relate to it.  So, to those who are into this dynamic, I apologize for any thoughtless comments I may have made about this in the past. Clearly that is outside of my own interests, but I will respect those who pursue it.

Because some of my own kinks may be a bit too extreme for some people. They could not understand it, may not relate to it, and that is fine.

There was a female domme who used to be active in the forums who would go off on how "Cringy" male submissives were.  Though she identified as a domme, I found it odd that she would shame male submissives like this.  Was it their particular kinks that turned her off?  Her general lack of interest in men in general, or was it simply too many obnoxious men trying to pursue her who not only lacked compatible interests, but lacked basic tact and etiquette?  Either way, it came across to me as kink shaming submissive men.

I have an interest in...(should I say this?) toilet play.  I won't elaborate any further, other than it involves being used as one.  The degradation, emasculation and abuse, along with the absolute and utter submission this entails, is a huge turn on for me, BUT- it is also the kind of thing I would feel uncomfortable discuss in any detail on a forum- because understandably most people would find this as, well, kinda gross.  I would probably be kink shamed if I brought this up too frequently.  

But rather than give into to fear of being "Shamed" about my own kinks, I will try to do my part, as much as I can, and not do the same to others who share their deeper fantasies.  And to continue to learn, and be open minded and non-judgemental.  

There are many things that lead to bliss.

Carving first turns on six inches of untracked fresh snow. 

Blasting down a loopy trail after a long, grinding uphill bike ride. 

Or, the joy of seeing friends in a crowd again, of hearing live music again, for the first time in over two years.  As a Eugene, Oregon musician said, performing at a recent festival, it was like coming up for air after a long, suffocating darkness.

And there are many, simple joys of every day, things we take for granted.

For example, lying or kneeling at your dominant's feet and worshiping and adoring her.  Looking up at her and seeing her smile, and her eyes sparkle.

Or just doing something nice for her, and knowing that you have made her happy, and brightened her day, and your reward is simply to kneel in her presence and back in her radiant feminine power.