Sometimes I find myself lying there thinking of a girl. Sometimes it's a particular girl, or sometimes it's only someone I saw once from a distance- like that girl in the red miniskirt walking down 13th street the other day, or sometimes it's nobody in particular. Whoever she is, I find myself fantasizing about all of the kinky things I could experience with her, under the heel of her black leather boots, a quivering heap of submission as she make me into her "Toy to seduce and destroy."
Then again, sometimes I wish I had never discovered kink at all.
My journey began like a lot of newbie male submissives: seeing a video or documentary of some kind, of some professional FemDom dungeon, then experiencing the most powerful sexual feelings I had ever imagined which were brought on by watching this. Anyway, the fantasies started there. I was like a lot of newbies experiencing total sub-frenzy; I wanted to experience it all. And in the beginning (way back then, before I knew better) I probably even annoyed a domme or two (like many clueless newbs do) by trying to approach her without knowing how to properly be respectful. Something I do regret and apologize for, by the way. I think you really can go too far down a rabbit hole sometimes with your fetishes and fantasies. Maybe I'll share some of those fantasies in a later post...but maybe I won't. People have probably heard it all before anyway.
The thing is, there are times when what I want is just a partner. Someone to hold hands and sit on the couch and watch movies, or to cuddle up together with and watch the sunset up on the hill. Someone to go for long drives into the hills with, go shopping with, strolling with, visiting art galleries and cool exhibits with. But more than that, someone who gives me the same butterflies I had when I had my first crush as a kid. Where when you are not with them, you dream about being with them, and seeing them in the hallway or on the street makes your heart leap.
In other words, I want LOVE.
This need, I believe, is stronger than any kink or fetish, because no matter how intense those sexual feelings can be, ultimately it leaves you feeling empty in the end if there is no emotional bond. I have gotten to experience these kinks first hand. It was exhilarating and intense, but in the end, there was no bond. She was a local pro domme, but only that. The deep thrill, and the satisfaction quickly wore off when it became clear that her only real "kink" was in getting me to spend as much money on her as possible, without any promise or any benefit of a deeper connection. First it was just the weekly session tributes, but then came more and more requests for expensive gifts and shopping sprees. But the thing is, I was not "her boyfriend" or even "her sub," or even her ANYTHING- I was just another client, just another source of income for her. Like a weekly pension.
After a while, that wasn't enough anymore. Some guys may be into financial domination, but for me- I need some kind of deeper bond, or it just doesn't do it for me after a while.
And I realized I would gladly, eagerly, settle for the most vanilla sex life in the world, and bury all these kinks in the darkest recesses of my mind forever, if or when I find that person who gives me the same kind of butterflies my first boyhood crush gave me, who makes my heart burn merely by sitting next to her, and whose touch sets me on fire more intensely than any whip or paddle. And we would grow together, laugh together, support each other through both dark times and light, and it would be someone who I would walk barefoot through hell to make her happy.
Because that is love.
