I lost my mojo.
I’ve felt down before, I think everyone has to a certain degree but, this was different, I just couldn’t “shake it off” or “pull my socks up and get on with it” - that’s what I tell myself when I have a down day - get up, get dressed and get on with it - tomorrow you’ll be fine and I normally was. This was different - I felt it way harder, I hit the ground harder and no matter what I did I just couldn’t “get on with it”.
Daddy and I talked everything through - how I was feeling, what was I doing to try and help myself, what could Daddy do but, by that point it was too late - I’d left it too late as I thought I could deal with it myself and I just couldn’t.
The doctor put me on anti depressants and I thought this is great I’ll be back to normal soon. Anyone who knows me knows I hate being ill in any form or fashion - it gets in the way of life and I’m a busy wee bee for sure!! I don’t have the patience for being ill.
In all honesty I hated taking the tablets - they made me feel disengaged from my life - emotionless and I had absolutely no get up and go - even getting out of bed was hard.
I know I do Daddy a huge dis-service by saying this but, in my head he’d already left me, he didn’t sign up for this shit - we were supposed to be fun and giggles and kinky sex and all the good stuff - why would he want to stick around for the shit show? Well Daddy did stick around for the shit show, Daddy made sure he was there for me every day - which in some ways made me feel worse because I hated the way I was feeling and I hated not being me and I hated us not being us - the way we were. We made some mistakes and there were some miscommunications along the way - all for what we thought were the right reasons.
We have had many a long serious talk and we have a game plan in place. We agreed I would come off the tablets because they made me feel worse, they upset me because of feeling disengaged and emotionless - that stressed me out and I do feel more human off them, they just didn’t agree with me. We are taking each day as it comes and although I do have some shitty down days I do have quite a few good days and Daddy makes me laugh which I love.
I guess in sharing this with you I hope you can see that no matter how bad it feels there is always light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t see it it’s there, you need to keep pushing yourself - even if it’s only to get out of bed - you don’t even need to get dressed - there were many days I didn’t!!! Anything, even a small thing is a step in the right direction.
I’m so super lucky to have my Daddy beside me as I wouldn’t be where I am today without him. So thank you Daddy for proving (once again) that you will always be there for me.
And to those of you having a shit day - I feel you -and yes it’s ok to eat a whole carton of Ben & Jerrys!! 😊
