Rose's Thorns.

when you feel a cold coming on this is my new bestie 😄 mix with honey and lemon. x

It would either make for an awesome or awful book.... 

Its amazing at times, you can think you have built your walls high enough or have nothing left to hurt your hearts is a decapitated squish mess on the floor... someone will still come around and find a way to still hurt it, its human nature.... im wondering if im statring to become a bit of a sadistic fucker recently but to myself, yes masocistic tendancies still fucking hurt, especially emotionally. I thought i had already turned what was left of my heart to stone... I was wrong and now i can feel the ice creeping up.... As much as crying or i dont really know what other people do ??? might help... it does for 5 min. I then get up off my arse and get on with life. Like when you go boxing you get back up... okay so screaming might make me feel better ... if only i could go and use a punching bag in a gym for an hour.. It does however get tiring getting back up. 

There are some interesting reactions you can get when dating. 

these are the reactions i have had when letting someone know im into BDSM. 

1, The OMG thats awesome then quickly gets weired out and starts to panic

2, Then there is the i can grab anywhere i like guy 

3, calls you every name under the sun when they find out your a 'perv' ... then constantly asks inapropriate questions inbetween insults. 

4, The well that means i must be able to fuck you then... starts to sulk when thats a NO...

5, Thinks that they can move straight into 'fucking... kink wise' with zero trust built up 

6, every single one hasnt taken time to get to know me in any way shape or form... Doms seriously this is how you show your interested please take note. 

getting home soooo hammered.... mixing whiskey and wine might not go so well tomorrow. 

Had a lovely time with friends just a shame i have no one to share this with when i get back home 

Im starting to find the joker in suacide squad sort of well hot... 

is it just me ? im a bit concerned lol 

but he is sooo hot.... 

This is to my last partner my Ex and last Master. Im debating if i should send this or not. 

Biggest pratchet fan, fencing (amazing arse, seriously!) and authour ;) 

Two years have passed, you did a good job getting into my head, your still there, i wait for the day i dont miss you... im still waiting. It still amuses me two vanilla friends set us up unintentionally. Despite you still being in my mind, i carry on with myself as my own Master. I have always thought it takes two people to make a relationship work and two people are responsible for it to fall apart, its only over the past 6 months that i have understood my role in this fully. I put up walls but these where not to keep you out ironically it was to keep you safe. This caused you a lot of pain and you walked away. Im actually glad you walked away... it means your safe, as much as it hurt. There are times i became non verbal and you are not a mind reader. I hope you have found someone who makes you happy and without the baggage i come with. I have a complex family dynamic in real life and idiots had started contacting me in an unstable way, i didnt really know what else to do than push you away. 

I was also very unwell at times, i wouldnt want anyone to go through seeing me in such states. Again i pushed you out both physically (sleeping on the sofa) and emotionally as i didnt share this with you. I had a difficult time too, it wasnt one way but i understand your fustration. It must have felt like the person you once knew had disapeared and all of a sudden your best friend and girlfriend was a stranger. All this did was cause us both a lot of pain and its only right i acknowledge that and apologise. You essentially moved in with a stranger, the person you once knew disapeared.... its difficult to be in this position as it would not matter what you did or did not do. This wouldnt have changed, you asked me to let you in before you walked... i refuesed. Its worth pointing out this was not intentional at the time, i just understand my behaviour a lot better now, you will already know why it wasnt intentional. That doesnt excuse the pain its caused to you. The fustration and anger came out in different ways and our relationship turned toxic. I have no reference point for a healthy relationahip and im glad you walked away. You spent four years showing me the love is not a fictional plot device and walked away when things became toxic, again showing me how things should be. (Even if there where punch marks in the wall). 

I was hoping after two years well... it wouldnt be so painful. I was wrong. I may not have as much time left as i thought and that sucks to spend it missing someone, i still wont go back tho. 

Side note: family dynamics dont help when your trying to split amacabily. 

I was unintentionally cruel to you and couldnt understand it at the time, asking question after question.. like a mini interogation.... i just couldnt hold the information in my head so kept asking, trying to understand and therefor making things worse. You suffered a lot and i am sorry there are circumstances at play but they dont excuse the pain caused. You said you would find it hard and might leave and come back.... you did .... i refused to let you in. That is on me, causing pain and leaving you to telapathicly guess things. That is very unfair. 

I wont know if you will ever see this, ive been wondering if i should send it to you or not. I have done you wrong and it is only fair i apologise. But you know what.... Im glad you left, i hope your happy and have found someone to love who is a lot less complicated than i am, that you can spend time with and enjoy each others company. It also means your safe, unstable people cant find you to get to me (i had been getting messages, you where not aware of, aimed at me not you, but keeping you safe was my priority). And its there the real issue lies.... i hadnt accepted your informed choice to stick by me and let you in, sorry doesnt cover it but i am. As much as it still hurts me and as bad as it got at the end, i still think back over our time fondly, we had some good times too. 

As i often say, 

It takes two people to make it and two people to break it. I finaly understand my role in this. 

I hope your happy in life. 

Im sorry for the pain caused. 

Rose xxx

 I wouldnt inculde this part in it but to give context our anniversary you had put a lot of thought into (i forget every fucking year) and i just picked argument after argument.... i cant cope with a cirtain level of resposibility for another person, the pressure was killing me... not that you would know that as i didnt share it. You treated me as a human not an object well until it got close to the end.. ;). I had worked out how i was going to propose to you too (Im fucking terrified of marrige, again you know why, if you see an irish catholic marriage go badly ... well there wasnt many ways out of one until about the mid 90s). Going to see les miserable in london would have been a good way, the thought terrified me and i made the night a living hell instead. 

Ive just watched a bit of this and am AMAZED how much BDSM links are in it .... having a collar calling someone 'daddy'... :O 

The way quin picks herself back up when she thinks he is dead. 

when you suddenly realise your dating 3 guys and dont feel comfy with any of them so much so.... that trying to call it off is super difficult. 

Trying to find someone who 'gets' you is a difficult thing to do anyway, when your into this lifestyle for some reason all the idiots suddenly think your litterally a fuck toy. I cant wait for the next person to come along and actually know who i am as a person. This isnt what BDSM is about if you feeling 'lonely' which seems to be guy code for horny ??? Then go and watch some porn, im not here to make you feel better, im a human being and a person not a fuck toy. There are so many fakes out there, i miss being with someone who actually knows me as a person, not messages me with 'are you free can i come over ?' because then want to get laid, then when i say no has a temper tantrum as i mentioned im not doing anything... Just becuse im not doing anything doesnt mean im free for you. Im entitled to have my own space and time to myself (It is 2018 right ?) I actually used the phrase 'my life doesnt revolve around your dick...' I NEVER thought i would ever have said this sentance. Do Doms have similar issues when trying to find subs ? 

Putting across that im making you 'beg' like a dog because i said no.... Your an adult man and have fee will... your choosing to ask constantly instead of acepting NO as an answer, that isnt my issue or problem, its yours. Your the one choosing to beg and constantly ask guess what ? if you acepted my awnswer NO then you wouldnt be 'begging' facepalm logic at its best. Saying im making you beg is just a way to excuse yourself for your own behaviour as you dont like it, pushing it onto someone else as its there responsibility and there fault makes it easier right ? ....

I am a sub not a door mat, im also a person a human and have my own life and free will. 

Dom's is this how things are for you ? is this something you also experiance ?