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Rose's Thorns.

A general pondering.
5 years ago. February 3, 2019 at 11:40 PM

I am finding some things difficult and after speaking to one or two of you alone decided to share this publicially on here. I am struggling with the concept of being in a relationship. BDSM wise is fine, its the relationship part thats hard.... and yes i know BDSM can be a realationahip they are not seperate just bare with me... I have chronic health issues (you wouldnt know it to look at me) but i am unwell at times. Now i am missing the submissive side of me and i have a hole in my chest with not engageing in this lifestyle... but i am also not engageing in relationships either. I have Zero idea how to communicate my issues with someone, and actually get the point across. Its easy to say well its fine. No i need it to be taken seriously, im not saying this will happen but whoever i am with could see me fade away, thats a difficult thing to see when its your partner. I have seen this take hold of my last Dom and destroy him inside. It was brutal for both of us. I am not sure to go about a friends with benifit style where they are aware but the impact would be less server for them personally. As much as i hate to admit this i want a relationship i want to feel that closeness with someone again, im missing it. Yet i cant stand the idea of hurting someone like i will if they choose to spend time with me, i will waste away at some point. I have seen what that does to someone and how it can slowly destory a Dom, i cant do that again. And this is the essance of being mentally and emotinally masochistic..... im suck between a rock and a hard place, any advice would be apreiciated. 

5 years ago. February 3, 2019 at 7:04 PM

She lived happily ever after 

5 years ago. February 3, 2019 at 6:21 PM

repeatedly hits head against brick wall.... just messaged a mutual friend asking to pass a message on.... god im masocistic 

5 years ago. January 26, 2019 at 9:31 PM

Im considering writting a book does anyone have any links or advice with how to organise chapers ? 

5 years ago. January 26, 2019 at 8:28 PM

im so in love with his shoes... if only i could spend a months rent on shoes <3 one day i will get some. 

5 years ago. January 23, 2019 at 9:31 PM

When doors close- short film script
Scene 1
Sat in a chair in an empty office, Office door opens
The desk and chair are of an old-fashioned nature, rich leather on a polished wooden desk and swivel chair are in front; empty.
Camera starts behind with a mid-shot waist up with the woman sitting infront of this desk, angled slightly lower, camera slowly pans right, you see a woman mid 20’s dressed ready for an interview, hair put up, blazer.
The camera colouring is faded and filtered in post edit.
As the camera pans and pivots right, it gives way to a wide shot.
Seeing the woman in office outfit, dressed made up as a professional such as a manager.
Once the camera is centre in front the woman breaks the 4th wall smiling as though the viewer is the interviewer. Bag on the floor, portfolio in hand.
Dialogue
‘Hi my name is …’ sound fades
The camera becomes out of focus and zooms out into a spot over janes shoulder.
You still see the outline of jane in the interview, but the background disappears, to a different scene.

Scene 2
Its dark out about 1 am, jane gets up tiered to get some water, sees john on the sofa.
Mumbles ‘hi’ goes back to bed.
Cuts to next day
Making a cup of tea,
Enter john
Jhon, ‘Hows’s your day been ?’
Jane replies ‘good, yours?’
‘not bad, you been up to much?’ said john
‘Nothing much, how was work anything fun?’ says jane
Jhon starts to cut up dinner. ‘Not really, not that you would care’
Jane looks confused but stays quiet takes a deep breath. Hesitant, she bites the bullet, looks reticent ‘meaning ?’
Jhon ‘Last night’
Jane ‘what?’
‘You walked straight past me, didn’t care about me then at all’ john.
Jhon, lifts arm to show knife marks.
Jane, ‘ I didn’t notice’
Jhon, ‘exactly’
Gestures with knife, ‘is this what you want’
Jane ‘that’s not what I meant’ ‘ I was just getting water…’ janes words fade while john freezes and eyes go black. ‘Jhon..?’
Jhon, ‘he’s here’
Jane, ‘ its okay, you haven’t slept, he isn’t really here breath deeply’. ‘Put the knife down’
Jhon freezes with the knife in his hand jane is stood in front of him a very different situation happening.
Jane has an idea of whats about to happen and steels herself for it. Jhons grip tightens on the knife ‘is this what you want’ but he is no longer talking to jane, he is looking past her, hallucinating while holding the knife over his heart.
Jane takes a deep breath knowing this might not end well and calls his bluff, ‘ go on then’
Jhon pauses and looks confused, during this pause jane moves to take the knife of john, grabbing his wrist pulling his arm down and away, with her opposite hand, while bending his wrist backwards until the knife drops, in a self-defence moves, its swift. The knife drops to the floor.
Jane sinks to the floor bent over, hands wrapped around knees sitting, knife in hand, in shock.
Trying to breath. Eyes wide
the camera focuses on wide eyes close zoom then zooms out slowly as it blurs.
As the camera zooms out you hear john say ‘ I thought he was behind you’ ‘ I know’ replies jane faintly
‘give me the knife’ says john
‘no,
on the side’ says jane mumbling
you hear metal on a counter top and foot steps, as the camera becomes blurred you still see jane on the floor as jhon walks off.

Scene 3,
You return to the interview.
The camera goes back into focus zooms out until jane is in focus in the centre.
During this pan you hear the interviewer.
‘I can see you have experience and are qualified, but im unsure if you can think on your feet and are adaptable enough’
‘this can be a changing area of practice at times, professionalism is essential during times of change and adaptability is essential’
Jane in focus and centre ‘ I can appreciate your concern, however I am adept at thinking on my feet and finding solutions at difficult points in time, while maintain my professionalism.’
Camera slowly zooms in on janes face
‘Thank you for coming in today, but I just don’t see this as a good fit for either you or our team’ Interviewer
Breaks 4th wall
Jane doesn’t flinch or give anything away
‘thank you for the consideration anyway, im just grateful for this opportunity’ Jane gives a slight smile raises her head while you see her eyes slightly steel over, knowing what she has to return to, (this would be acted acutely, in a way the audience wouldn’t be sure if they saw it.
Jane gets up with the portfolio still in her bag and walks to the door the camera zooms in on the door as it closes.

 

 


5 years ago. January 8, 2019 at 8:40 PM

sooooo tired and sooooo glad for my bed xxx almost time to sleep again. 

5 years ago. January 3, 2019 at 5:55 PM

life has a weird way of kicking you in the backside at times, almost funny. 

5 years ago. January 2, 2019 at 3:09 PM

I often do things the hard way in life, the easy way seems well.... in BDSM boring but in life its just not a concept i grasp. I have had strict control over myself for about two years now. I can feel the chains straining. They wont hold for much longer. I dont think many Doms may understand the need for this level of control for a sub for so long, lets just say its a womens perogative. Despite it being well 2019 now... there are still expectations and a class structure even if we dont realise it and are acustomed to it. 

I can feel the chains about to break and after having such control for so long .... im not sure i want to know how badly its going to get. (i dont mean this to sound weird .... or maybe i do 😉 ) see what i mean. The last time i ended up traveling all over wales getting hammered dancing on tabels and waking up in corriders with god knows who next to me. This was before i discovered BDSM. Lets just say the alcohol was a way of blocking flashbacks. I cant drink in the same way now and well i wouldnt want to. 

I need somewhere to feel safe, i need home, i have tried to seperate my life into chunks it doesnt work, i need an outlet for this lifestyle somewhere in my life. When your security goes it does very weird things to someone you start looking for it in places you know it wouldnt exist, sleeping with people just so someone is next to you at night. 

The dance of the mind is something i miss a lot, there is way of doing this to yourself tho... as i mentioned the control and structure but it only lasts so long you need the fun too. For anyone reading this who is new its a little like dancing with someone and 'accidently' stepping on there foot and going oops while winking. I suppose this is a part of being in a lifestyle that is still unaknoledged. 

ohhh well there might be some big shopping trips coming up. Time to change my image. 

5 years ago. November 30, 2018 at 8:44 PM

Hi im back... as long as the computer doesnt need resetting again... lol 

I have had a very strange few weeks and am missing having someone know me on a deep level just to hold my hand when things get tough... sigh. never mind xx