This was a new term to me yeasterday, but a really insightful one.
Would anyone like to offer there take on it ?
Her is mine,
when you go weak at the knees seeing Master, you still can not believe what you did last week, but your pushed until your mind empties and there is no fight left and your flying free, its a wonderful experiance and in some ways the journey is just as good to get there.
Im stood at the bar, while you go round and talk to others. Casting the occasional glace at me, you know that look, the one that makes me think you havent eaten in weeks. Going about your buisness and talking to all of these others who i have never met, i walk over catching your eye. I stand just beside you and smile politly at the others, listening to the conversation. I ask if anyone would like a drink and catch your eye... you see a hint of the devil thats inside. I do this for the next two hours every so often showing you the thoughts running through my mind with a look.
We go to leave and you take my hand and open the door for me, i say ' thank you'. For a moment you let the farcade slip, 'you wont be thanking me latter on'. Your eyes shine momenterally before you chain the beast back up.
The car ride home is a quiet one, you can feel the tention in the air.
I lean over and whisper 'why'...
Both of us are sat in the back of a taxi, trying our best to behave...
I turn so my back is to the driver and stare into your eyes with a fire buring in them and raise my eyebrow...
You have to swollow the erge to spank me and fuck me right there and yes im seriously loving toying with you like this.
I face the front and act like nothing has happened.
brusing some hair of my face, you let em know i will pay for that when we get back, your shoulders are squared back straight.
walking through the front door, you sit down and a smile falls over your face,
i may have gone a bit far this time... oops
the door closes and your whole stance has changed you lean over me, backing me into a wall... i am your bait tonight and very happy about it too.
There is no need to tell me to kneel, your body language does that for you, your not happy either.
bending down you wisper to me in a harsh tone 'not yet, get up and bend over, someone has been really rude this evening, teasing and ignoring me' I can hear his voice soften very slightly, in the last few words, i think few i havent pushed too far just enough.
i bend over the end of the sofa, i can feel the fabric against my soft skin. A hand softly glides over the surface, something feels off before i know it THWAK... using both left and right hands had thrown me off, i ened up moving forward on the sofa. leaning forward and softly whispering 'if you dont keep still, it will just take longer and i have all night...' i can feel my body reacting to his voice, you can see me melt, 'ohhh really?, well you will be waiting a while for that. ' Thwak...
my mind starts to empty and i relax a little,
Thwak, this time its a little lower and i bite the inside of my mouth to stop myself from moaning... try not to give the game away 😉 i can taste blood... you nudge my legs apart so most of my weight is on the arm of the sofa, softly leaning in, i can feel a bit of your weight, whispering 'dont move' you walk off and i can hear the draws opening in the bedroom.
At this point, i am in submissive mode, not yet is sub space but on the edge of it. Not able to move agaisnt his comands and wanting more but also very alert and wondering what the hell im doing as my head isnt yet fully quietened... he is fully aware of this and left me and my very masochistic mind to play roulette while going to find some thing that will help.
I hear but cant see him come back, before i know it i can feel somthing smooth but textured against my skin... its a.... Thwak... yep a spiked weighted paddle (contrary to other opinions, i find the fact its weighted that to me its more brutal), i can hear his breathing change Thwak.. this time i let a half moan half muffled scream leave my mouth, i desperatly try to find something to bite.
I cant hide anything.... between his deep shallow breaths 'hands behind your back now' i know better that to disobay at this point. damn
Thwak, this time with the smooth side, i cant stop the moans anymore.
His hands glide over my skin checking how warm my skin is through the fabric.
Moving round to face me, looking me in the eyes, or trys my head is buryed in the sofa 'you like being here and being mine' Ive gone mute now so just nod with my head stil buryed. Leaning in, 'i care and love you, so you will do me the curtusy of looking at me when i speak to you, understood'
I reluctantly look up at you, your trying to check on me i dont make this easy. (i have never made this easy, i dont do well in vulnerable positions and right now i am)
After beiefly kissing me on the lips, you move back around and put your hands over my backside and lift up my dress the fabric rubbing on me is an odd sensation. This time you use your hand thwak agaist my skin and again moving it around, thwak, thwak.
'You can refuse it all you like, but your enjouing this arent you'
I dont respond just wishing i could stop myself from moaning.
The paddle comes back out along with a cat o nine tails and after three smacks of the paddle (raised side) the cat o nine tails glides over the area, again and again making a criss cross pattern against my skin, ive now given up caring about my moans.
A few more strikes of the raised paddle with each one i cant stop myself from moaning, i can feel my body reacting as im wet enough its dripping down my legs. I no longer care or give a shit of what i look like... with one exception... im surprised as i feel a tounge gliding up my thigh followed by bites, i give in, i can tell i will have bite marks all up my thighs the next day.
taking my hand and leading me into the bedroom, is followed by at least two hours of making me beg and seeing how big you can make the wet patch in our bed, followed by scratches all down your back and bite marks all over my chest and your shoulders and pleasurable screams, while more bed boards break under us.
Before wrapping your arms around me as i melt into your arms whispering into my ear that you love me, i feel both saited, cared for loved and safe, i turn around and whisper in your ear, ' im yours and only yours, i love you too' every one of my muscles relax in his arms here there is no need to me to be tense or alert, including when he kisses or strokes my ribs, i melt... i belong to him and thats all there is to it. Before falling asleep.
in the middle of a crowded room, you can stand alone.
surrouded by hustle and bussle, never more isolated.
around friends and more isolated than ever.
A whisper in a noisy room.
Music quietens the constant noise of emptyness.
taking my BDSM collection out of the bottom draw and checking it over... well its definatly dusty, just reaslied how little its been used in the past two years (as its a new collection). I just havent trusted anyone enough to be able to use this with, including my collar.. i love my collar and i got it with the hope of gifting it to someone someday. Time to show my kit some love by tiding it up and keep it dust free :)
you might gather from the title im not in the best place.
It has been two year...
two fucking years...
i still cant get him out of my head.
I had a really shitty realisation last night.
I am a dick, all i do is push. The more i care the more of a dick i am. * softly bangs head on wall....
I was in a BDSM relationship for 4 years, the last year was hell for both, i wasnt well and he wasnt either we just couldnt cope. So what do i do push him away in the meanist way possible, thinking im being kind cos the alternative is brutal, watching me slowly die over the next 15 years... * softly bangs head against wall again....
When you like it rough and the person your with you have litterally seen them in such a state bruses everywhere, blood coming up ect... its genuinly hard to be rough with them after seeing that, i understand this.
Sooo
i over heard him with someone else... and well with about 20 others saw a topless woman with him in the same room for 40min... it seriously doesnt take a genious to work this out.
As i mentioned we where both in a bad place.
We are in BDSM... im not closed minded, i wasnt able to be with him for six months....
He walked out as he couldnt cope seeing me in a bad way, again i get it but letting me know your okay would have been nice... especially when he hadnt slept for weeks...
So the bit i have never understood until last night is why do this or 'not' as he insisted when i asked, Im openminded, its the lack of honesty that did it in, not the concept of fucking other women or men... what ever floats your boat... such as watching gay porn while screaming at me when i walk in doing housework... its the screaming at me i didnt like.
I AM SHARING THIS SO OTHERS MIGHT GET IT, FUCK WHOEVER YOU LIKE, BE HONEST, YOU CANT BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT HONESTY. and obviously it depends on the individuals.
so this has bugged me for the past year or two, why when im open mined was it never discussed...
I got my answer last night and it fucking sucked, i like to be distant from emotional pain AKA im an arsehole. I push and push, at the time, i genuinly thought i was being practical and actually making it hurt less for him in the long run by pushing him away... i was wrong.
This is the part i can share on here but not with friends in real life, i never understood why it wasnt talked about with honesty when we are both open minded...
The answer, i pushed him out so he couldnt.... *softly bangs head on desk...
I didnt see it at the time and its taken a while,
when your BDSM inclined and your not able too... many dont get the effect that can have in other areas, with vanilla friends (well meaning) going he is being a dick ect... when actually it was me, it doesnt help... well prob both of us.
The reason i pushed him out.......... i love him. (fantastic logic isnt it)
I didnt want it to hurt him seeing me in such a way and tried the best way i could to hide it, so became very logical and cold, i got what i wanted...
He isnt at risk of my stupid family members when they find me, (they where close to it too, unstable members of my family stalk me online regurally), or seeing me unwell... (He stuck by me and it cost him dearly too).
I havent been able to answer that question for a long time, its a really shitty lesson to learn too.
Every relationship i had ever known was abusive until i met him, im glad i have 3 years of experiance in a health and functional relationahip.
To people who say its all him, it isnt nice to be on the receving end of a lack of intamcy and what seems like a cold hearted beep... Think of a very reserved man, who shows no affection (that was me minus the man bit).
I am writing this as all i want to do is apologise, i hurt someone and i can never fix that, I cant get back with them too much has passed, but the happiest years of my life so far where with him, this is the closest i have ever been to being married and with a family history like mine i doubt i ever will.
All the special occasions i fucking ruined i was scared...
we moved in and i was terrified it would turn to shit, like everything and every other relationship had in my life, so i tried to protect you by pushing you away- yes im an idiot.
I cant say this to you, i will leave you in peace, ive caused enough pain, so ive put it on here instead.
Im sorry i pushed you out, that i was cold, distant and generally a dick, its been two years and it still hurts like it was yeasterday, i didnt think love existed until i met you (thank you for proving me wrong), there is too much damage now for it to work, in my mind we where married, i doubt i will ever come that close again im not capable of it.
I really do hope you find someone who makes you happy (just as you said this to me)
have a happy and full life
sorry
xxxx
Recently i have begun to notice just how many songs have BDSM lyrics.
Lana del ray has a few, maroon 5 has at least one, feel free to comment with others, i might build a collection of songs with this in mind. :)
In the dark corners of your mind,
is a beast wraped in chains,
occasionally the chains rattle,
The locks hold firm.
Eyes gleam,
senses hightened,
Neglected, left alone.
in solitery confinment.
Eyes gleam and open wide,
occasionally someone notices the beast.
The chains Hold firm....
Will your beast come to play with mine ;)
Until, then... in the darkness i stay.
Side note, it would be nice to have a key to the chains :)
... with deadpool :D
If you look to the heavens and try to reach them... you will at least land among the stars.
Try your best there are no limits except your own, if you dont quite get there thats okay your still in a better place than when you started- your amongst the stars. :)
For a very long time i have tried to split my life into chunks, having seperate planners, making sure my partners dont know about cirtain areas (nothing unsafe). Over the past year or two this has become an increasingly difficult challange. No more, i am going to start blending these areas, i dont mean they will bleed into each other but i am not cutting my life into chunks anymore, i am me and tough shit to anyone who doesnt like it. :)
I am a pansexual, science nerd with a head for puzzles and crime fiction and a need for subspace, pain, and a passion for life who has defied so many fuckers purely just by existing in life....
Im not going to carve my life into sections and chunks anymore, boundaries will still be there but its time to accept me a bit more for now.