Every so often the little voice at the back of my mind starts telling me i can't do something. It's not even a voice but a feeling that comes over you of existential dread. I do my best not to let it get to me. Every so often i fail.
I am a very determined and stubborn person. But life can get exhausting at times. You start to wonder why your still trying especially when you have a family that will do anything to 'help you' when their 'help' actually ends up completely fucking you over. It can be exceptionally difficult. Every so often i wonder if it would just be easier to not bother trying so much anymore.
I finished university in 2020 after going through organ failure and lectures who hated me i finally passed. Yesterday i got a congratulations card from my nan.... no one told me well done. Infact my mum decided to let me know she never expected me to pass and didn't bother with graduation so i didn't go. But according to them i should be understanding and grateful. *repeatedly smacks head into the table*
The truth is no one expected me to do anything in life. There is only so many times you can keep trying before it becomes exhausting.
A while back i was given some job offers and no one would help me move. I just end up with messages going 'don't worry i know you will sort it out'. Fyi im the only one who doesn't drive. They keep asking why i don't visit.... there is no public transport where they live in the middle of the countryside but no one will visit me, they just try to use guilt to make me feel bad by asking why i don't go.
My ex boyfriends family helped me move for university. Mine didn't do a thing. Trying to explain this is not how other families work is like saying the sky is orange.
People often ask why im single..... this is why.... my family are a world class destructive co-dependant nightmare. When i try to explain this to people I am seeing they just don't get it.
Help will be there .... but only if i break up with you. There will be no support if we struggle as a couple. In fact it will be the exact opposite of support while they call it help.
Im so exhausted from trying, not just relationship wise but with any of the important things in life your supposed to do because its always just me .... if your really lucky you will get the help or a card saying well done a year after the point in time you needed help or support, you know after you crashed and burned but nothing to stop you crashing to begin with.
Every so often that little voice comes out and tells me i can't, that i shouldn't bother trying and im ashamed to say that recently im beginning to think it might have a point.
With family like this .... who lied for 26yrs about custody. Who the hell needs enemies.
