Ev's kink corner

Just got another monthly gig offer. Every bit helps! 

On top of that, though, Wicked Grounds has a glimmer of hope on the horizon. I don't know if I can post a Patreon link here, but I am guessing one could look it up. 

If they can get $15,000 in total Patreon pledges, they will be able to keep the doors open and remain the beating heart of the San Francisco kink community.

Imagine a cafe where kinky folks can openly be who they are, talk about kink, and safely meet with new people. A place to learn, and a place where yelling "RED" will get a room full of people instantly having your back and seeing g to your safety. A place to interact with all different kinds of folks. A place where no one has to hide. 

I pledged, and I'm hoping others will, too. They are a third of the way there!  

I love them all so much. I really believe that the existence of this place has saved lives. 

Wicked Grounds is suddenly closing. They didn't say why.

I first went there not long after it opened, when the first people who decided to give it a go finally got all the licensing they needed.

I went there the first day I met my beloved Master, Ashigeru. 

I went there when I found out my other partner had terminal cancer, because it was my safe space. 

I went to a lot of munches, met a lot of people, had a lot of conversations and a lot of wonderful interactions.

I'm just devastated. It feels like our community has suddenly had it's heart cut out. I don't really know where to go from here, to be honest. 

And my genetic auotimmune disease has flared again. Looks like maybe the treatment didn't work.

2018, you are not making me happy so far.

I say fear, because that is the root of most intolerance in the world.

Most fear that causes intolerance is fear of the unknown. 

I sat across from my mother at a little paint-your-own pottery place. Shocked. Tears streaming.

"What's wrong?" she asked me.

"Don't worry about it," I replied.

I couldn't tell her why. I couldn't tell her because I knew it would not just cause a scene. It would cause a rift, and my heart just couldn't take any more grief.

Any more loss.

I looked at my mother, trying to make sense of the words that had jus come out of her mouth.

My mother, who delivered meals to AIDS patients. Who marched for equality. 

My mother, who had me come down to SoCal to talk to members of her congregation because she wanted them to understand how to respectfully treat and speak to transfolk, when their choir director walked into the church one day, no longer trying to pretendshe was something she knew in her heart of hearts that she was not.

My mother, who, when she was young, got on a bus and traveled for hours and hours to march with Martin Luther King.

How were these words coming out of her mouth?

"Well, I just don't AGREE with it. I don't think it's right. It's not natural. They shouldn't be FLAUNTING it in PUBLIC."

All things that had been said by hateful, fearful people over the years, when talking about mixed race relationships. When talking about gay couples. When talking about transfolk. When talking about so many vulnerable people who have done nothing, NOTHING wrong, only had the bravery to be true to who and what they are. 

I had brought up, oh-so-casually, the concept of polyamory. I had told her it was becoming quite common to see poly dynamics in the bay area- relationships with more than two people, all consenting adults, who love more than one person. A parent, I told her, can love more than one child. A child can love more than one parent. A sibling can love more than one sibling. A person can love more than one friend. There are people, I said, who loved more than one person in the romantic sense, too, and when they are lucky, are able to form a family with more than one person.

"Oh, I've SEEN THEM, believe me," she said, "when your sister and I went to a music festival. They were all sitting on a blanket." Her voice was dripping with deirsion and disgust. "They shouldn't have been FLAUNTING it and SHOVING IT IN EVERYONE'S FACES like they were PROUD of themselves or something." 

"Were they doing something inappropriate for public? Anything monogamous couples don't do all the time without it bothering people?"

"Well... no, I guess not, but it's NOT RIGHT. I just can't agree with that."

We went back and forth, a little bit more, and then I dropped it. Salt blended with the glaze on the bowl I was painting.

I knew, in that moment, that I couldn't share my family with my parents. I would never have the support of my mom and dad, which I so desperately needed.

I knew, in that moment, that I couldn't tell her that one of my beloveds, with whom I had been for over four and a half years, was dying, and I was so heartbroken. I couldn't tell her that it broke my heart twice over, becuase I felt so helpless while the cancer ate away at him, made him suffer, robbed him of everything that made him who he was, stole away his dignity, his light, quieting his great, strong hands... and because he was pushing me away. Pushing me away so hard, while he lay there dying, that I hadn't even been able to see him for two months. That I wasn't sure I'd ever see him alive again.

I'd talked about him, but not who he was in my life. Not that he was a beloved partner. So close to my heart. She'd made sympathetic noises, but as far as she knew, he was a friend, and a bit of a mentor, but I have many friends. She didn't know, and wouldn't ever know, I realized, that I felt so alone in my grief at times. That I wasn't ready to lose a partner, not like this, so soon. That when he died, he'd leave a crater in my heart. That the grief weighed on me, every day, like a great stone in my chest, choking me, coating my tongue in ash.

And that someday, if I ever found someone who cared enough to love me, to show my little family that they were safe and could be trusted, to become a part of our family, I would have to fight like hell, and I might lose my beloved parents.

Because I will never treat my family like a shameful secret. I will NEVER hurt someone by making them pretend to be "just this friend of mine." I will never be someone's dirty little secret again, and I will never put someone in that place. I will never treat someone I love like they have to be hidden, like they aren't worthy of being loved, and being introduced, with pride, as family.

Never. 

I learned to stand up, to fight, to be brave.

I learned it from the persom my mother once was.

I don't think I'll run an ad any more. 

It's just disheartening. If I do meet someone, I will be delighted and surprised. Seems unlikely I'll be finding a secondary any time soon though. 

On the plus side-

Last night, my Master took me, bent over the edge of my bed. We played with the sreap I gave him for Yule. It was so hot. Sex with him is always so hot. 

This morning, my friend with some benefits put me in Subspace, gave need orgasms, and shared his gorgeous body with me. Then he took me to the airport. 

I got paid and tipped well for the maid work I did for some friends in the local BDSM community. 

I'm now with my beloved family. My parents, their dogs, and tomorrow we will be joined by my sister and her husband. 

Tomorrow I also get to see a dear old friend who moved to Seattle. She is going to remove my sutures. No more sutures, yay! 

Tomorrow, well, later today, we are having our late Christmas with the family. 

Thought I had a chance at something new and wonderful with someone... But I do have a lot of blessings in my life, as it is. 

Someone interested in potentially eventually getting involved ACTUALLY READ MY PROFILE and proved it in Bond.

This is a Cage first for me, hah! 

Miracles do exist.

Today a package arrived in the mail, addressed to me. 

When I opened it, I discovered a penis stuffy. 

One of my friends had purchased a lot of 6 of them, and gifted me with one, lol! 

Well, now I have a little buddy to help me with my warm compresses. 

Laughed my ass off when I opened the package! 

The bruising from my surgery has mostly faded, and while the dead white patches that are numb still worry me, the healing is going well. The wound seems nice and clean. 

Today I managed shopping, and even was able to cook a standing rib roast feast! 

Master had to work from home, going through painfully obvious "refresher training" about terrorists, how you should stand in the shade if it is hot, and how ticking packages are suspicious. 

T h a n k s. 

I'd been hoping to try a bit of play today, but by the time he was done with work, we were both tired and not feeling great, so he tucked me in bed. Going to try to sleep in a few. 

I still yearn so much for a leather family. A little household of people who love and watch out for one another. A second Dom for me to cherish and serve, and a second sub that I can get along well with. 

It's a sweet dream, anyway. 

'least I've got Mister Choad. 

Bought at Wicked Grounds, our local kink cafe. I just had surgery so we can't use it yet, but I'm hoping to have a heart on my ass when I fly out to see my family on Christmas day. 

I'm about 95% sub, but I think I was a pretty damned good pro domme. This was way back in the long ago, I think maybe 2007? Maybe 2008. Something like 10 years. 



With a co-worker, hah!



With another co-worker. I loved this particular photo shoot. Lots of fun was had! 

I should maybe do an AMA about being a pro domme sometime. What do you think?

It's not the same as playing in one's private life, but it sure did teach me a lot about the other side, anyway. I do very occasionally top or even domme in my private life, but if I could never do it agian, I'd be ok. 

Not ever being able to sub again, however, would be devastating, and would leave a big hole in my soul.

Anyway, had some good times back then. 

In order to have better scenes, deeper bonding, and to further develop the D/s relationship with my Master, as well as provide a guide and an idea about the type of sub I am to future partners, I am going through Anton Fulmen's "The Heart of Dominance" and discussing, section-by-section, different aspects of my submissive orientation. In this series of entries, I will describe what does and does not work with me, and how deeply I go into each type of D/s dynamic.

I remember the first moment I discovered the depth of joy I could find in service. It was a simple task: fetching a soda for my then-Master, back in 1998. It was the first time I'd been with him in person, after months of talking online and on the phone. Because he and I had spent hours working on building and establishing an M/s dynamic, I fell into the role instantly. It had been conditioned into me long ago, and being with him in person only served the greatly intensify the experience.

I found it so fulfilling to tend to his needs, at his direction. To know I was doing something that would give him pleasure filled me with pleasure of my own. His happiness was my happiness. Some part of me, in the back of my mind, was confused by this. Why was bringing someone a soda a source of such contentment and joy? But it just felt right. Comforting. Peaceful. I knew what to do to make him happy, because he told me to do it. I discovered, at that moment, that I lived to serve.

I do not find complete fulfillment in service alone. It is a piece of the puzzle, and one that makes me happy, but in combination with other things. Making a loved one's life better, however, plants within me seeds of contentment which blossom and grow with each sigh of pleasure, smile, and word of praise.

I love to make people happy. I love to make their worlds better. I love to bring comfort, joy, and pleasure.

Domestic service:

I don't identify as a maid sub, really. Funnily enough, I WORK as a maid, and a number of my clients are in the lifestyle. Do I enjoy working as a maid for doms? Well, yeah. Working for good doms is a very comforting and safe feeling. I won't call it play because it isn't negotiated as such, and I keep things professional and consensual. It's nice to work where I know I'm safe and understood, though, and in vanilla scenarios, I still find fulfillment in service. I still take joy in knowing I did well!

In my private life, I don't mind a bit of domestic service as a part of D/s, though I'm not gonna feel much joy in scrubbing someone's toilet, heh. Making things a bit nicer, that can be good! TOO much maid work feels like an unpaid job, since I do it as an actual job. A little bit here and there is different.

A SCENE where I roleplay a sexy maid with a lusty dominant client though? Oh hell yeah! Look, I'll be frank, I've had pleeeeenty of fantasies about working for a sexy dom as a maid and having the relationship slowly go from professional to personal. Combinging light housework with kink? That could be fun. And ya know, doing that at home would really motivate me to do more housework, when my body can handle it. Performing tasks with rewards or play during or in between sounds pretty awesome, come to think of it.

A sexy as hell but possibly impractical lolita maid outfit would be a bonus, hah!

I can see myself in one of those dresses, big fluffy skirt that's a bit too short, perhaps with my breasts exposed, down on my hands and knees, dusting, while he enjoys the sight of me. Maybe he secures a toy inside of me and has me working, every swipe of the mop making me move the toy inside myself a bit. Maybe a swat to the butt with his belt as I sweep. Or perhaps I am to kneel at his feet after I'm done wiping down the end tables, open, receptive, demure, pulse racing, wondering... what is going to happen now? How much farther will he take things next week? When will looking turn to touching? When will touching turn to taking?

I love to cook, and I love to feed people. Serving my Master food and knowing that he is enjoying it is a wonderful feeling! Even though I'm one of those people for whom chewing and slurping sounds are like nails on a chalkboard, heh. Open-mouthed eating is just about a hard limit of mine. :p

The grace and flow of service:

My training in the Way of Japanese Tea is a vanilla pursuit, but I feel that it has helped me as a submissive as well. Learning the flow of serving with grace is a joy. I would enjoy taking this skill more to my exploration of D/s.

Sexual service:

I'll be honest with you. I don't have a g-spot on my uvula. I don't get orgasms from sucking cock.

That being said, I love to serve sexually. I love to give pleasure. When my neck injury allows it, I love to make my partners feel good. It brings me joy. It makes me feel submissive. I love to serve sexually... but I would feel unfulfilled and neglected by a dom who would mostly just use me by having me suck them off. I need reciprocity.

I don't need to get off, myself, every single time I suck cock, or have my breasts fucked, or am used for sexual pleasure some other way, but I've also been in a relationship where the dom would have me suck him off every time, and rarely ever gave me an orgasm, myself. It was that whole "your only pleasure should be MY pleasure" approach, and eventually it left me feeling really awful.

I DO take joy in my dom or Master's pleasure, but in order to feel like the cherished sub I need to be, I need to know they care about making me feel good, too. I need a dominant who enjoys seeing me fulfilled, happy, and sexually satisfied.

Knowing I am valued and considered in this way makes me want to serve and please even more.

I can take so much joy in giving my partner sexual pleasure, if that is what he wants and enjoys. I do not want anyone to feel like they HAVE to accept sexual pleasure from me, if they aren't comfortable with going there. I can play with people without sex, though I prefer sexual play with long term/serious partners.

Hospitality service:

Cooking and serving food actually falls under this category, but serving tea and the like does, too! I certainly enjoy making tea for my partners. A Japanese tea ceremony is a sacred Zen Buddhist ritual, and not so much something I would do as a kink, but I would of course be very happy to serve a partner in that ceremony- I won't mix it with kink during the ritual itself, however.

Body service:

You want a massage and pampering? I'm happy to do it! Pain only allows me to do so much, but I LOVE to pamper my partners, absolutely!

***

Set me up to succeed!

I love to serve- successfully. I love to do well. I feel great when I'm appreciated, praised, and it's clear what I am doing is enjoyable for my partner. I'm not saying I need to be praised every moment and every second. I also am very happy to learn how to do better.

I can't, however, handle being set up to fail. Rather than making me feel put in my place in a good way, or submissive, it makes me feel anxious, frustrated, and it destroys my confidence. It can even make me really angry! Being treated like I can never do well enough or purposefully given an overwhelming amount of tasks that I cannot possibly finish properly is going to put me on a bullet train to the magical land of panic attacks. I don't learn and grow well with negative re-enforcement. Being told "you suck at this" won't make me think "I must work harder to do better, somehow!" It makes me think "oh, I guess I really suck and am no good." I won't stay in a relationship where I feel like I can't do anything right or can never do well enough to be trusted or loved. Hard, HARD fucking limit. Never again. It's a type of D/s that some people find fulfilling and happymaking, but for me, it is extremely harmful. This is non-negotiable.

Now, a fun, lighthearted, playful GAME sort of play where I'm set up to fail and we both know it and are laughing about it, that's fine. I mean, if you play Dark Souls III, you know some 50 foot tall skeleton dude is gonna come running out of nowhere and squish you. You're gonna get the grey screen with the big red letters that say "YOU DIED" and because you know this is the game, you laugh about it. "Not again, noooooo!" But you know that's exactly what it is. This is different from someone acting believably angry with you, yelling or putting you down. Something like, adding more and more full cups to a tray, with a "funishment" consequence when they inevitably spill, and you and I both know they're going to and that I am not a failure and you aren't upset with me about it, because it's supposed to happen at some point, that's ok.

Mind games that make me anxious, and emotional sadism, are 100% not OK for me these days.

And finally... have me do things that you ACTUALLY enjoy and appreciate. I want you to really like what I'm doing. What's the point, otherwise? Why have me do stuff and pretend to like it if you really don't care at all? I'll be able to tell, even if only subconsciously, and it'll wear on both of us.

So, let me go through the payoffs in Anton's book, and tell you which apply to me:

Having a job in the relationship: Yeah, this makes me happy. Clarity and consistency, ditto. I don't need something that I MUST DO EVERY SINGLE DAY. Honestly, that's something that can become tedious for both partners, long-term. See, a couple that decides to write up a contract that requires a morning blowjob every single day. Sounds great on paper. Turns into a high-pressure chore in practice, eventually. A balance of consistency and variety is good. Some things that are a ritual of repetition can be nice, but being given different tasks under the umbrella of the "job" are good, too. There is where being a creative and thoughtful dom comes in handy. I don't want to give you a list of all the stuff you should have me do. That makes domming myself be the "job" and defeats the purpose. But some responsibilities as a sub could be nice. This aspect isn't ESSENTIAL for me, mind. But knowing my role is great.

Feeling competent: ABSOLUTELY YES. This, I would say, IS an essential aspect of my service. Building and re-enforcing my confidence. Getting a sense of accomplishment, feeling my worth, and building on success. Being acknowledged when I do well means the world to me, also. And yes, I take chastizement hard, so please don't use it unless it is really needful. Turning a failure into an opportunity to learn and giving me ways to make it better will be much more successful.

Feeling subordinate: Ehhh, no, not in the way Anton describes it. Being lesser, or doing things that are simply beneath my partner? Having my nose rubbed in it? Naw, not my thing. I prefer to serve with dignity and grace. Someone who is purposefully dismissive and difficult to please is not for me.

Looking good doing it: Hah! Well hey, I did mention I love the thought of serving with flow and grace. So sure! I love to dress up, too. I can very much enjoy formality in some of my service- I don't think I'd love the tea ceremony as much as I do if a part of me didn't enjoy formality and protocol.
LOL, I just noticed that Anton specifically MENTIONS the Japanese Tea Ceremony in his book, in this section. Well then. Yep. Good call. I'll skip the strict discipline for tiny mistakes, though. I can leave that to my tea Sensei, who of course nitpicks tiny things, but does so with kindness, grace, and humor. Hah. I bet his ears are burning somewhere right now.

Getting to Know You: Yeah, the intimacy of service and learning/seeing to someone's preferences is great. I can see how some people want to keep more distance in D/s, but that's not for me. I love that deep, intimate bonding. I love learning my partners, what pleases them, what they like, what makes them happy, and giving them those things, when I can. I love the connection that comes with knowing what and how to do to please them in so many ways. That's all good stuff!

Getting Things Done Right: Ohhhh this is a tricky one. I feel like I have so much I have to take care of and run and organize in my vanilla life. My household requires a lot of managing and guidance from me, though I am not really happy about having to do that. It's a lot of emotional labor that I didn't really consent to, but feel like I have to step into, or things will fall apart and not get done in a way that will lead to difficulties for me, or cause problems between my partner and I. The rent has to get paid. A housemate needs to be dealt with because they're fucking up the washer by never balancing the load, or they're slamming the front door constantly. There's some conflict between housemates, and I have to navigate it and get everyone calmed down again. A partner isn't taking care of a basic need and I have to do a bunch of legwork and pushing to get them to take care of it. I think perhaps part of the problem, however, is having to voluntarily do this stuff because otherwise it won't get done, instead of being asked to help and given grattitude for doing so. So, perhaps SOMETIMES it would be good. Playing to one another's strengths, you know? But in a way that is asked for an appreciated, instead of making me feel like I'm being invasive and doing something unwanted and unappreciated.

Let's say, for example, you need to make an appointment to get new internet service, because the ISP we are using is going to shut down, and we need to set it up on your credit card. The household will lose internet service if it isn't taken care of, and it needs to be on your card.

If I keep having to remind you because the deadline is coming and if you don't sign us up for a new ISP, we'll lose internet access, and you get annoyed and keep saying "yeah I'll take care of it" but never do, or you feel overwhelmed by the choices and finding one that works, so I end up doing the legwork and having to lay it all out for you, unasked, and send you a link, and you say "ok, I'll do it" resentfully, I'll feel frustrated and unappreciated. Insecure and not supported, helpless when something that affects us both is depending on you and it isn't getting done.

But what if you know you have a hard time with this sort of thing, and you give me the task of researching different ISPs? And, when I find one that works well, you show grattitude and appreciation for my work, doing something that is hard for you, and taking a lot of the pressure and stress off? And then, since I have given you support, you FOLLOW THROUGH. That is where consistency and showing appreciation for my Getting Things Done Right comes though- instead of reacting to being nagged and harried, you are instead appreciative of the support and the work your submissive has done, and show that what I have done matters, and that both my well-being and yours matters, by then signing up for the new ISP. This way, you take the lead, and it is not seen as me trying to manipulate or control you, but rather supporting you as your submissive. and I will feel as though I am appreciated and serving you, instead of having to take charge because things that I am depending on you to take care of aren't getting done. The former makes us both feel good and secure in our roles. The latter causes stress, anxiety, and pressure that is damaging to our roles.

Of course, this must also be done with sensitivity to how much bandwidth I have. How many tasks can I handle without being over-stressed? This is a good thing to ascertain.

Earned rewards of service:

While I DO get some fulfillment from service, like I said at the beginning, I will not feel wholly fulfilled, in a D/s relationship, from performing service alone. I need more interaction than that. I need play, in a serious relationship I need sex, I need intimacy and love and interaction. Thus, while this is a lovely facet of who I am as a sub, it is not the whole of it, nor does it cover the whole of my needs and desires.

And, finally, yes, checking in to see if the rituals and expectations of service we have agreed to are still working well for both of us on a regular basis is vital.

A good rigger, like this awesome fellow, can safely suspend us larger folks, too! I'd love to see some nice detailed books that show how to tie different body types. Meanwhile, the bay area is blessed to have people who are highly skilled and happy to give this experience to many types of people.
And then tickle them. Becuase MAYBE they were a BIT of a brat whilst being the demo model for the class beforehand.
Allegedly. 
And then tie their hand to their hair beauce PERHAPS they managed to tickle back!