Ev's kink corner

Think I found a pretty damned ideal potential secondary.
I'm even thick and thieves with his primary already. We instantly got along, like we'd been friends forever.

Of course, they're only visiting, from fucking AUSTRALIA. 

Whyyyyy??? They are only here for 11 more days, and I may be getting the flu.

Played with him 8 years ago, before I met my Master.

We played in Mr S Leather the other night. Flogging in the flogger bay. 

Going to sleep now, hopefully. If I don't come down with the flu tomorrow, I'll be playing in the redwoods!

I'm scared, though, that I'll bond really closely with them both, only to lose them. 

Rambly post here, but bear with me. Skip down to the ***s if you want to get to the important stuff.

So, I've been realizing that I'm really just not very much involved with the "normal" world any more.

I went to a party and was weirded out.

Nobody was naked!

Nobody was screaming or even moaning!

Nobody was chained up or striking anybody with a flogger!

I was at a loss. OK, we can talk about stock options or something, Steven. Hi Karen, how are your rose bushes doing? Gosh, traffic sure is bad these days!

I suppose vanilla parties tend to involve people drinking a lot of booze and grilling shit.

Mind you, I've hosted my share of vanilla parties. Generally they involved excellent food and a lot of conversation about life, the universe, and everything. I haven't hosted a "let's all get drunk" party since my early 20s. Maybe it's not that I'm not at all vanilla. Maybe it's that I'm getting old?

Anyway, turns out I was only kind of right, since there turned out to be a dungeon downstairs. Nobody was using it when I was there, but it was a thing that was there. Nice padded St Andrew's Cross, spanking bench, futon with soft blankets, some floggers laying about. I don't even end up at parties hosted by actual vanilla people, lol!

It was nice to see a bunch of old friends, and I found a bunch of fellow kinksters were there, but I was home before midnight. I really don't drink much at all, except when Master and I crack open a bottle of the mead he brews. I almost never go out and drink. Bars aren't my thing. I don't like the loss of control. I want to be able to escape safely any time I want. I want to be clear-headed, and able to give informed consent- or revoke consent. 

***

Sometimes I will go to a private BDSM play party, and there will be booze there. I think, for people who have a high tolerance for alcohol, a small glass of wine or a single beer is probably OK, but for me, I won't even go that far. I want to be stone cold sober, and I want my partner to be, as well. I might take a small amount of painkillers, but only enough to help with my chronic pain, not enough to impair my judgement, or ability to tell if something is harming me. 

Drinking and playing with a new partner is just out of the question for me. I learned about the lifestyle in the 1990s, and in the mixed gender BDSM scene, drinking and playing was a HUGE no. It was different in the gay leather scene, and that's still a problem, but thankfully here in SF we have a movement to change that- there's even a Mr Sober Leather contest, which I think is awesome!

Really, alcohol shatters lives so often. BDSM is very much like driving a car- you could do someone serious harm. You could kill someone. You could get seriously harmed or killed. Don't mix the two. Please.

You can always ask Jay Wiseman about it. He's flown all over the country as an expert witness for BDSM-related deaths. These are murder trials, even though they are mostly accidental deaths, and a lot of them DO end in manslaughter charges, even murder charges. Whether or not you like Jay, you should hear some of his stories.

Recently he told me about one where a really drunk person was fisted so roughly they started bleeding. Too drunk to know when to tell the person to stop. Too out of it, too numb, hardly even conscious. Alcohol makes you bleed a lot more, too. They BLED TO DEATH. 

DON'T PLAY IMPAIRED, PEOPLE. It is not worth it. If you can only make yourself play if you aren't sober, YOU ARE NOT READY TO PLAY. 

I was gonna get off and go to bed but the internet distracted me so I am sitting here naked in my socks and slippers watching family feud videos. Mmm yeah sexy sexy Ev. Hah. 

"I miss the hell out of you, beloved. I wish I could see you."

"Soon, I hope," he texts back with his bleeding fingers, nails ripped off or rotting away.

"Soon." 

It has been months since I have looked into his eyes. Months since I have heard his voice. Was it October? Or maybe it was September. I think it was September.

I was so overjoyed on that day, to see him, just for a moment. A minute, maybe two, at most. 

I felt as though he had returned from the dead, as though I had one last chance to tell him I loved him. Even though he never did say it back. not once.

All the anger, the confused feelings, the betrayal, the fear, it all vanished because he was THERE and he was ALIVE and I could TOUCH him and SMELL him and feel those once-powerful ARMS wrapped around me. One last time.

Because I could never sure there would be another time.

I want to beg, and cry, and scream, "there is no SOON! There is only NOW! You are DYING. You're dying. And you've shut me out. Why. Why have you pushed me away. Was everything we went through just a bit of fun for you? All that I suffered. All that I sacrificed. All the ways I pushed myself, all the times you pushed me. All the times I pushed you. The tears, the screaming, the moments of tenderness. All of it. The scars I carry in my heart. Why have you pushed me away?"

But he would only rage, he would rage and he is too sick and tired to rage, now. He would cut me out even more. And I know it. 

It was never healthy. It was deeply wounding. But it made me strong. So goddamned strong. And at the end of it all, while I cannot make excuses for some of the things that he did, I can understand why he did them. The moments, the steps, that lead him to that life. To thinking his way was the only way. I cannot excuse it, but I still feel compassion for the creature he became. I still love him, because even as twisted and sick as things often were, he had goodness in him, too. He had parts that were worthy of love. And he was learning. He was LEARNING. 

But we lost that chance. That chance to do better. To learn a different way, together. 

And maybe it saved me.

Maybe... once he is gone, maybe a part of myself will let out a breath, long-held, and know that I am safe. I am free. He won't ever be able to hurt me again, in the ways that he did.

But the loss will cut deep, too. I met the tiger outside his cage. I opened myself to the dragon's talons, and in time, that powerful beast who could kill me in seconds, he lowered his head and gave himself to me. I rode that dragon, I lifted us up. He bared his soul to me. Showed me the map of his broken becoming. And he tried to teach me how to survive.

He tried to groom me to become a predator, like him.

But I chose a different way. I chose, not to be a victim. Not to be a monster, either. I chose, not to prey, but to protect. Shield. Nurture. Heal. 

He never had a chance to really see that those choices were possible. He never had a chance. 

I wish I could have shown him the way, so he could walk the path. 

Maybe in his next life, he will. 

As for me, I am wounded but I am grateful. I learned to be so much stronger. I learned to ENDURE. I would never, ever, EVER want anyone to learn the way I did. But I made it. I survived, and I found my will. I made a choice- never again. Never again. Never again.

I will not be the dragon of despair. I will not be the dragon of manipulation, lies, suffering, fear, pain.

I will be the dragon of compassion. I will be the dragon who heals, who loves, who brings joy, growth, protection, wisdom, gods willing, and light.

He helped me to become what I am, but I did not become what he had designed.

I could confront him. Bang on his door. Tell him off. Make accusations. 

But he is dying. He is dying, and he is deeply flawed, wounded, but beloved. 

There is no need to punish him. I wouldn't wish what he is suffering on people far worse than he ever was. There is no need for vengeance. Only peace. Only mercy.

So mercy is what I hope for. I hope that I will have a chance to say goodbye. To take that massive head in my arms, to kiss that great brow. To tell him that it will be ok. I will heal. And I have grown strong. So very strong. To tell him that I will fight to live a little longer, myself. 

I learned so much from him. So much of it was not what he intended, but I can still use it to help myself. To help others. I know the signs now. I know what to watch out for. I know what to say no to. What to never make excuses for again.

And I know how to endure. 

I loved the beast. The beast was true to his nature. But I survived him. Survived, and even conquered, without becoming him. 

And now, now he is a dying man. He doesn't want anyone to see that man, beneath the beast. The suffering, the weakness, the fear. I see him though. The secret is that I have always seen him. He never had to hide from me.

Dying without me is his choice. I must respect that. Consent should be freely given, and freely denied.

Another lesson he never quite learned. Consent was something to manipulate and force in his world. That was the game.

But I am not him. I am not him, and so, soon may very well never come.

And so I see him as already dead now, half the time. Maybe he intended it this way. Maybe he thought it would make it easier for me to let go. Maybe he'll come to life for me again, maybe not. 

I was always his secret. I might only find out from Facebook, or perhaps a text message. It isn't right or fair, but it is what it is. 

He will always be there, in my heart. I will carry with me the best of who he was, and the lessons I learned, from his failures and mine. In time, the wounds will heal. I will trust again. I will be hurt again, but I'll SURVIVE.

I'll survive, and I'll miss him.

Soon. 

I've been busy, lately.

Work has really picked up. Physically, I'm exhausted and in pain a lot, but I have a bit more money now. Yay!

I've been having some really hot scenes with my Master. Last night it was knives, a rose-thorn cane, claws, and an inflatible toy. He used a cock sheath on me, too. Or was that the night before? Damn, but I love that man. I am so happy, so blessed to have him as my Master.

A dom I played with just before I met Master will be in town at the very end of the month. He wants to play. The last time, it was so fucking intense, all in good ways, when we played. I'll be meeting his primary, too.

He's spoken of moving here before, and has again, but we will see if that happens. 

I hope that the best thing possible happens here. I need this year to be good. So much suffering last year. So much grief. More grief coming this year. 

Let there be joy, as well. 

More joy. Master is a great joy. So are the lobster tails he bought for me while I was at work today. Like, 5 or 6 of them for $30, OMG yessss. And he doesn't like lobster. He bought it just because I love it. I told him I might actually manage to eat all the tails in one sitting. He said he was totally fine with that.

Gawwwwwwwwwww*drools*

I could get used to this. 

I'm really glad I've been able to contribute more to the household. Make life better for both of us. Even get some luxuries, once in a while. 

On top of overcoming the bystander effect, I have a second resolution for this coming year:

DON'T IGNORE RED FLAGS. Don't make excuses for them. Don't pretend they don't matter. They do. I am too valuable to sacrifice myself for the pleasure of others who would harm me.

If you have a partner and you say to me, "I'm poly," and you want to play with me, I will want to talk with your partner. In person, or on video chat. 

I will do this to establish consent.

I will do this because, in the past, someone I knew for years, whom I trusted, who had a sterling reputation in the community we were in, told me "my wife consents to me having other partners, she just doesn't want to know who or hear anything about it."

This turned out to be not at all true.

I do get that some people DO have consent from their partners to play with others, but they DON'T want to meet the person. Honestly, that's fine for some people, but to me it doesn't seem like the couple in question is really ready for polyamory. That thought aside, if I cannot talk to the partner, I have no way of really knowing whether or not it is this sort of "out of sight, out of mind" version of consensual polyamory, or a liar who is cheating.

You might know that you would NEVER lie about this sort of thing. I am not you. I don't actually know this.

After having been lied to a great many times about stuff like this, even by people I knew quite well, it is a universal policy of mine. I want to meet your partner. We don't have to become best friends. I just need to know they consent. 

If you flip out and say "well don't you TRUST me? You shouldn't play with me if you won't take me for my word!" I will wonder why you would be unwilling to verify this. 

It's like STD tests. That is a rule everyone in my poly group follows- we have a 4 person fluid bond. Me, my Master, his secondary, and her husband. I have sex with my Master, he has sex with his secondary, and she has sex with her husband. That's four people I'm protecting the health of, including my own. In order to be fair and as safe as we can be, we both discuss STDs with prospective partners (and require full disclosure) and also need to see test results. 

If a person has money, has insurance, or has access to something like Planned Parenthood, they can get tested. If they refuse, that's kind of a red flag. Have a monogamous wife I don't know about who can see on your family health plan that you got STD tests? Have an STD you don't want me to know about? Hm.

So, getting cagey about things like that make me wonder why. They aren't unreasonable requests at all. I absolutely LOVE when a prospective partner of Master's checks in with me to make sure everything is ok. I like and respect them a lot more for it. I feel more comfortable with them, and trust them more. I am more likely to be really flexible with scheduling so they can have time with him when their schedules match up. I am actually poly, and actually okay with being poly. I would rather know who my Master is with, because I want a sense of the kind of people they are. I love and care about my Master, and want him to be treated well by others. I also want to be sure we will get along, if things get really serious. 

My orientation is polyamorous. I naturally love and deeply bond with more than one person at a time.

The relationship model I practice as a poly person is also one that involves deeply bonded relationships. I have a couple friends with benefits, whom I care about quite a lot too, but what I am looking for now is someone who, if things go well, may eventually become a part of my leather family. This means a partner who isn't going to hide me away like a dirty little secret, only to be seen on lunch breaks, in a hotel room, or on a business trip, without the knowledge of their other partners. That's not being family.

"Poly" doesn't mean "cheating on monogamous partner." If you are poly as an orientation, you need to be honest with yourself about it and decide whether you would rather stay with your mono partner and suppress that part of who you are, or break things off with your mono partner and live as a polyamorous person, with the informed consent of your partners. 

Master and I went to the Wicked Grounds work party. He is grumpytired because I woke him up early to run errands while I was at work. We are waiting for this table I painted to completely dry so that I can coat it with polyurethane. The heart will have streaks instead of speckles of copper glittery pigment, but it'll still be fun and pretty. 😄 I'm going to come paint more tables over time, too!

Wicked Grounds is saved!!!! Thank you thank you thank you!

Y'all, everyone here who donated, if you ever get out here to visit, coffee is on meeeeee! <3

Wcked Grounds, the center of the San Francisco kink community, safe harbor for people of all kinds, might be saved! They have $12,000 of their $15,000 needed goal on Patreon. Rent in San Francisco is insane. The need for a space like this is so great, though. A place for people to negotiate safely, meet safely, speak openly, have munches, classes, and find support. They even give drinks and food to those who cannot afford them or are having a very hard time-consuming they have done so for me, in the past. 

I have permission to give the Patreon link to anyone who is interested in supporting them. Send me a private message, if you feel so moved to! 

Thank you!