Bought at Wicked Grounds, our local kink cafe. I just had surgery so we can't use it yet, but I'm hoping to have a heart on my ass when I fly out to see my family on Christmas day.
I'm about 95% sub, but I think I was a pretty damned good pro domme. This was way back in the long ago, I think maybe 2007? Maybe 2008. Something like 10 years.
In order to have better scenes, deeper bonding, and to further develop the D/s relationship with my Master, as well as provide a guide and an idea about the type of sub I am to future partners, I am going through Anton Fulmen's "The Heart of Dominance" and discussing, section-by-section, different aspects of my submissive orientation. In this series of entries, I will describe what does and does not work with me, and how deeply I go into each type of D/s dynamic.
I remember the first moment I discovered the depth of joy I could find in service. It was a simple task: fetching a soda for my then-Master, back in 1998. It was the first time I'd been with him in person, after months of talking online and on the phone. Because he and I had spent hours working on building and establishing an M/s dynamic, I fell into the role instantly. It had been conditioned into me long ago, and being with him in person only served the greatly intensify the experience.
I found it so fulfilling to tend to his needs, at his direction. To know I was doing something that would give him pleasure filled me with pleasure of my own. His happiness was my happiness. Some part of me, in the back of my mind, was confused by this. Why was bringing someone a soda a source of such contentment and joy? But it just felt right. Comforting. Peaceful. I knew what to do to make him happy, because he told me to do it. I discovered, at that moment, that I lived to serve.
I do not find complete fulfillment in service alone. It is a piece of the puzzle, and one that makes me happy, but in combination with other things. Making a loved one's life better, however, plants within me seeds of contentment which blossom and grow with each sigh of pleasure, smile, and word of praise.
I love to make people happy. I love to make their worlds better. I love to bring comfort, joy, and pleasure.
Domestic service:
I don't identify as a maid sub, really. Funnily enough, I WORK as a maid, and a number of my clients are in the lifestyle. Do I enjoy working as a maid for doms? Well, yeah. Working for good doms is a very comforting and safe feeling. I won't call it play because it isn't negotiated as such, and I keep things professional and consensual. It's nice to work where I know I'm safe and understood, though, and in vanilla scenarios, I still find fulfillment in service. I still take joy in knowing I did well!
In my private life, I don't mind a bit of domestic service as a part of D/s, though I'm not gonna feel much joy in scrubbing someone's toilet, heh. Making things a bit nicer, that can be good! TOO much maid work feels like an unpaid job, since I do it as an actual job. A little bit here and there is different.
A SCENE where I roleplay a sexy maid with a lusty dominant client though? Oh hell yeah! Look, I'll be frank, I've had pleeeeenty of fantasies about working for a sexy dom as a maid and having the relationship slowly go from professional to personal. Combinging light housework with kink? That could be fun. And ya know, doing that at home would really motivate me to do more housework, when my body can handle it. Performing tasks with rewards or play during or in between sounds pretty awesome, come to think of it.
A sexy as hell but possibly impractical lolita maid outfit would be a bonus, hah!
I can see myself in one of those dresses, big fluffy skirt that's a bit too short, perhaps with my breasts exposed, down on my hands and knees, dusting, while he enjoys the sight of me. Maybe he secures a toy inside of me and has me working, every swipe of the mop making me move the toy inside myself a bit. Maybe a swat to the butt with his belt as I sweep. Or perhaps I am to kneel at his feet after I'm done wiping down the end tables, open, receptive, demure, pulse racing, wondering... what is going to happen now? How much farther will he take things next week? When will looking turn to touching? When will touching turn to taking?
I love to cook, and I love to feed people. Serving my Master food and knowing that he is enjoying it is a wonderful feeling! Even though I'm one of those people for whom chewing and slurping sounds are like nails on a chalkboard, heh. Open-mouthed eating is just about a hard limit of mine. :p
The grace and flow of service:
My training in the Way of Japanese Tea is a vanilla pursuit, but I feel that it has helped me as a submissive as well. Learning the flow of serving with grace is a joy. I would enjoy taking this skill more to my exploration of D/s.
Sexual service:
I'll be honest with you. I don't have a g-spot on my uvula. I don't get orgasms from sucking cock.
That being said, I love to serve sexually. I love to give pleasure. When my neck injury allows it, I love to make my partners feel good. It brings me joy. It makes me feel submissive. I love to serve sexually... but I would feel unfulfilled and neglected by a dom who would mostly just use me by having me suck them off. I need reciprocity.
I don't need to get off, myself, every single time I suck cock, or have my breasts fucked, or am used for sexual pleasure some other way, but I've also been in a relationship where the dom would have me suck him off every time, and rarely ever gave me an orgasm, myself. It was that whole "your only pleasure should be MY pleasure" approach, and eventually it left me feeling really awful.
I DO take joy in my dom or Master's pleasure, but in order to feel like the cherished sub I need to be, I need to know they care about making me feel good, too. I need a dominant who enjoys seeing me fulfilled, happy, and sexually satisfied.
Knowing I am valued and considered in this way makes me want to serve and please even more.
I can take so much joy in giving my partner sexual pleasure, if that is what he wants and enjoys. I do not want anyone to feel like they HAVE to accept sexual pleasure from me, if they aren't comfortable with going there. I can play with people without sex, though I prefer sexual play with long term/serious partners.
Hospitality service:
Cooking and serving food actually falls under this category, but serving tea and the like does, too! I certainly enjoy making tea for my partners. A Japanese tea ceremony is a sacred Zen Buddhist ritual, and not so much something I would do as a kink, but I would of course be very happy to serve a partner in that ceremony- I won't mix it with kink during the ritual itself, however.
Body service:
You want a massage and pampering? I'm happy to do it! Pain only allows me to do so much, but I LOVE to pamper my partners, absolutely!
***
Set me up to succeed!
I love to serve- successfully. I love to do well. I feel great when I'm appreciated, praised, and it's clear what I am doing is enjoyable for my partner. I'm not saying I need to be praised every moment and every second. I also am very happy to learn how to do better.
I can't, however, handle being set up to fail. Rather than making me feel put in my place in a good way, or submissive, it makes me feel anxious, frustrated, and it destroys my confidence. It can even make me really angry! Being treated like I can never do well enough or purposefully given an overwhelming amount of tasks that I cannot possibly finish properly is going to put me on a bullet train to the magical land of panic attacks. I don't learn and grow well with negative re-enforcement. Being told "you suck at this" won't make me think "I must work harder to do better, somehow!" It makes me think "oh, I guess I really suck and am no good." I won't stay in a relationship where I feel like I can't do anything right or can never do well enough to be trusted or loved. Hard, HARD fucking limit. Never again. It's a type of D/s that some people find fulfilling and happymaking, but for me, it is extremely harmful. This is non-negotiable.
Now, a fun, lighthearted, playful GAME sort of play where I'm set up to fail and we both know it and are laughing about it, that's fine. I mean, if you play Dark Souls III, you know some 50 foot tall skeleton dude is gonna come running out of nowhere and squish you. You're gonna get the grey screen with the big red letters that say "YOU DIED" and because you know this is the game, you laugh about it. "Not again, noooooo!" But you know that's exactly what it is. This is different from someone acting believably angry with you, yelling or putting you down. Something like, adding more and more full cups to a tray, with a "funishment" consequence when they inevitably spill, and you and I both know they're going to and that I am not a failure and you aren't upset with me about it, because it's supposed to happen at some point, that's ok.
Mind games that make me anxious, and emotional sadism, are 100% not OK for me these days.
And finally... have me do things that you ACTUALLY enjoy and appreciate. I want you to really like what I'm doing. What's the point, otherwise? Why have me do stuff and pretend to like it if you really don't care at all? I'll be able to tell, even if only subconsciously, and it'll wear on both of us.
So, let me go through the payoffs in Anton's book, and tell you which apply to me:
Having a job in the relationship: Yeah, this makes me happy. Clarity and consistency, ditto. I don't need something that I MUST DO EVERY SINGLE DAY. Honestly, that's something that can become tedious for both partners, long-term. See, a couple that decides to write up a contract that requires a morning blowjob every single day. Sounds great on paper. Turns into a high-pressure chore in practice, eventually. A balance of consistency and variety is good. Some things that are a ritual of repetition can be nice, but being given different tasks under the umbrella of the "job" are good, too. There is where being a creative and thoughtful dom comes in handy. I don't want to give you a list of all the stuff you should have me do. That makes domming myself be the "job" and defeats the purpose. But some responsibilities as a sub could be nice. This aspect isn't ESSENTIAL for me, mind. But knowing my role is great.
Feeling competent: ABSOLUTELY YES. This, I would say, IS an essential aspect of my service. Building and re-enforcing my confidence. Getting a sense of accomplishment, feeling my worth, and building on success. Being acknowledged when I do well means the world to me, also. And yes, I take chastizement hard, so please don't use it unless it is really needful. Turning a failure into an opportunity to learn and giving me ways to make it better will be much more successful.
Feeling subordinate: Ehhh, no, not in the way Anton describes it. Being lesser, or doing things that are simply beneath my partner? Having my nose rubbed in it? Naw, not my thing. I prefer to serve with dignity and grace. Someone who is purposefully dismissive and difficult to please is not for me.
Looking good doing it: Hah! Well hey, I did mention I love the thought of serving with flow and grace. So sure! I love to dress up, too. I can very much enjoy formality in some of my service- I don't think I'd love the tea ceremony as much as I do if a part of me didn't enjoy formality and protocol.
LOL, I just noticed that Anton specifically MENTIONS the Japanese Tea Ceremony in his book, in this section. Well then. Yep. Good call. I'll skip the strict discipline for tiny mistakes, though. I can leave that to my tea Sensei, who of course nitpicks tiny things, but does so with kindness, grace, and humor. Hah. I bet his ears are burning somewhere right now.
Getting to Know You: Yeah, the intimacy of service and learning/seeing to someone's preferences is great. I can see how some people want to keep more distance in D/s, but that's not for me. I love that deep, intimate bonding. I love learning my partners, what pleases them, what they like, what makes them happy, and giving them those things, when I can. I love the connection that comes with knowing what and how to do to please them in so many ways. That's all good stuff!
Getting Things Done Right: Ohhhh this is a tricky one. I feel like I have so much I have to take care of and run and organize in my vanilla life. My household requires a lot of managing and guidance from me, though I am not really happy about having to do that. It's a lot of emotional labor that I didn't really consent to, but feel like I have to step into, or things will fall apart and not get done in a way that will lead to difficulties for me, or cause problems between my partner and I. The rent has to get paid. A housemate needs to be dealt with because they're fucking up the washer by never balancing the load, or they're slamming the front door constantly. There's some conflict between housemates, and I have to navigate it and get everyone calmed down again. A partner isn't taking care of a basic need and I have to do a bunch of legwork and pushing to get them to take care of it. I think perhaps part of the problem, however, is having to voluntarily do this stuff because otherwise it won't get done, instead of being asked to help and given grattitude for doing so. So, perhaps SOMETIMES it would be good. Playing to one another's strengths, you know? But in a way that is asked for an appreciated, instead of making me feel like I'm being invasive and doing something unwanted and unappreciated.
Let's say, for example, you need to make an appointment to get new internet service, because the ISP we are using is going to shut down, and we need to set it up on your credit card. The household will lose internet service if it isn't taken care of, and it needs to be on your card.
If I keep having to remind you because the deadline is coming and if you don't sign us up for a new ISP, we'll lose internet access, and you get annoyed and keep saying "yeah I'll take care of it" but never do, or you feel overwhelmed by the choices and finding one that works, so I end up doing the legwork and having to lay it all out for you, unasked, and send you a link, and you say "ok, I'll do it" resentfully, I'll feel frustrated and unappreciated. Insecure and not supported, helpless when something that affects us both is depending on you and it isn't getting done.
But what if you know you have a hard time with this sort of thing, and you give me the task of researching different ISPs? And, when I find one that works well, you show grattitude and appreciation for my work, doing something that is hard for you, and taking a lot of the pressure and stress off? And then, since I have given you support, you FOLLOW THROUGH. That is where consistency and showing appreciation for my Getting Things Done Right comes though- instead of reacting to being nagged and harried, you are instead appreciative of the support and the work your submissive has done, and show that what I have done matters, and that both my well-being and yours matters, by then signing up for the new ISP. This way, you take the lead, and it is not seen as me trying to manipulate or control you, but rather supporting you as your submissive. and I will feel as though I am appreciated and serving you, instead of having to take charge because things that I am depending on you to take care of aren't getting done. The former makes us both feel good and secure in our roles. The latter causes stress, anxiety, and pressure that is damaging to our roles.
Of course, this must also be done with sensitivity to how much bandwidth I have. How many tasks can I handle without being over-stressed? This is a good thing to ascertain.
Earned rewards of service:
While I DO get some fulfillment from service, like I said at the beginning, I will not feel wholly fulfilled, in a D/s relationship, from performing service alone. I need more interaction than that. I need play, in a serious relationship I need sex, I need intimacy and love and interaction. Thus, while this is a lovely facet of who I am as a sub, it is not the whole of it, nor does it cover the whole of my needs and desires.
And, finally, yes, checking in to see if the rituals and expectations of service we have agreed to are still working well for both of us on a regular basis is vital.
In order to have better scenes, deeper bonding, and to further develop the D/s relationship with my Master, as well as provide a guide and an idea about the type of sub I am to future partners, I am going through Anton Fulmen's "The Heart of Dominance" and discussing, section-by-section, different aspects of my submissive orientation. In this series of entries, I will describe what does and does not work with me, and how deeply I go into each type of D/s dynamic.
Ahhh, nurturing. It is a huge part of what I crave in D/s.
Before I go any further, even though I tend to go for much older men, I'm not really looking for a daddy/little relationship. I think of myself as an adult, and don't feel the desire to roleplay as a little kid. I don't have a little space.
What does help me feel confident, secure, and trusting enough to get into subspace with someone is knowing that I have been doing well, and getting positive encouragement and guidance to do better when I need to.
Make my world bigger. Tell me when I'm doing well. Build me up so I adore and trust you and want to do my very best for you! I'm so eager to please. Consistent, nurturing positive re-enforcement helps me keep feeling those things, and feel secure in my submission.
Support is so very important to me. Supporting me in my passions in life. Backing me up. Standing with me. Standing over me.
Accountability- I struggle with executive dysfunction and depression at times. This isn't something that can just be positive-attituded away. It's a physiological issue. It's receptors and brain chemistry and hormones not being produced in the proper levels. That being said, subspace can sort of trip the wires. It can provide a work-around, but only if my dom is consistent in his supportive accountability. Since the book covers journaling, let's look at that, as it's a great idea!
Telling me "write a journal once a day" and then saying nothing about it for weeks won't work. I need help and support with staying on-task. Being asked, "have you written in your journal yet today?" that's a great start. But if the answer is no, back it up with "before 1am, set aside an hour to write your journal. If it takes less or more time, that's ok, but it would really please me to read your thoughts tonight."
If I tell you I need to exercise, we both need the self-discipline to make sure it happens. "work out three times a week" is a great starting point, but again, have me put it in my calendar. Remind me on the days I'm supposed to. If I cannot do what was originally agreed upon, have alternatives, or, if my health simply won't allow it, follow up when it will.
Giving up on it the first time I slip or after you haven't given me any support or re-enforcement for weeks is just giving up on us, and the space we are trying to build. It isn't easy to take responsibility for someone in these ways. It takes a lot of self-discipline, and confidence. I need to step up for you, but you need to step up for me, as well.
Now, when it comes to accountability and guidane, let's look at what happens when I DON'T do something I've been told to do. Let's look at the difference between EXCUSES and REASONS.
I absolutely despise the ableist "no excuses" memes, which often use one of us disabled folk for inspiration porn. The reality of life is that sometimes there are valid reasons for not doing something.
"Eh, I just didn't feel like it." That's an excuse. A justification that really doesn't fly. A break-down in discipline.
"I forgot." Now, it's easy to fall into "that's an excuse and obviously you just don't care," but some of us have legitimate memory problems- which is why it's important to have our orders reiterated. Getting into the habit of setting alarms on Google calendar or the like is very valuable for both doms and subs when it comes to ensuring assigned tasks are done- but that means not muting alarms on our phones, or ignoring them when they go off!
"If I were to attempt that today, it would be harmful to me." This is NOT an excuse. This is a reason, and it needs to be respected. It's not a sign of someone not being a "true sub" or any such nonsense. Once, a dom gave me two choices. The problem was, both choices were dangerous and would have been very harmful for my health, one leading to tearing my body, and the other, awful infections. He flew into a rage at me for trying to set a boundary. Don't be that guy, please. Any of y'all reading this. Believe your partner! If it's a part of a game you are playing, that is different... but that's not a game I play. I'm not trying to "top from the bottom" when I say I shouldn't do something on a certain day, or ever. I'm letting you know that what's being asked of me is not safe, and as my dominant, I'm depending on you to protect me by not insisting on it.
Positive re-enforcement! I'll say it again. Keeping me on-task to do something regularly requires positive re-enforcement. Not once, but consistently. This also re-enforces the bonds and roles. Reminding me of what I am doing for you and that it pleases you to see me do it makes such a big difference! Rewards for doing well are great, too.
Sometimes, like with keeping me on-task on a low-carb diet (which is better for my health, by far) nurturing may require a more disciplined support, by helping me stay strong and make good choices, rather than indulging my exctinction bursts. Rewards for eating right will ultimately lead to more happiness than the momentary pleasure of breaking my diet too often.
When it comes to guidance, which is a step past accountability because it goes into the territory of you coming up with plans for me, rather than me asking for support and accountability with something I'm already planning, that's something to be negotiated on a case-by-case basis. What is it that you want to guide me with? Is it something you are more qualified to lead me in than I am to lead myself in? Is it something I feel happier having you guide me in than trying to find my way on my own?
Dependence-
While it's tempting for some to totally take care of everything for their submissive, and it's an intoxicating feeling, not having to worry about so much hard stuff any more, I advise caution, here, too. I want to be nurtured in such a way that I can be a whole, competent person. It's one of the reasons why I also won't play with "you can ONLY ever cum with my permission."
Because what happens when the relationship ends?
Maybe we want to spend the rest of our lives together. But picture, for a moment, what will happen to me if you die tomorrow. If you have spent years training me to only cum on your command, consider the devastating impact that will have on my sexuality. This is something that happened to me, in a way- a man who had spent over half a year conditioning me to cum on command (and ONLY on his command) was in a car accident, and his entire personality changed. He completely abandoned his subs with no explanation. I only found out about the accident years later, in fact! It took me almost a year to be able to have an orgasm again. Imagine how much more devastating that would be in a long term relationship with deep conditioning.
Along the same lines, emotionally, physically, and financially, what happens to me if you pass away, or we break up? Will my training leave me better equipped to survive in this world when we are no longer together, or will it leave me unable to survive? Will I have a strong, healthy support network?
Nurturing dominants can encourage healthy, thriving friendships, connection with family, and an expansion of the submissive's world.
Me, when I am serving my Master, be it cooking a delicious meal or sucking his cock on my knees, I want to be a good girl. I want to please. I want to know I'm doing well, and learn how to do even better. Give me consideration, respect, and care, and I'll give you my world.
Rewards- Anton goes into rewards quite well, I think. The same thing every day become routine, not a reward. A reward should be special. A type of play we both enjoy but don't do all the time is an excellent reward! Make sure it's something we can physically manage on that day, and come up with a number of different things we can do that you and I both really enjoy, and that even re-enforce our D/s connection, that might take some extra effort, but is well worth it for us both. "You worked so hard on all that writing. I'm so glad you're feeling horny and good today! Tonight, I'm going to have you masturbate for me, but you're going to ride a huge toy while you do it! And then, because you've been such a good girl, you're getting Master's fist in that hungry little cunt."
"You can't fix someone else," page 180. Master Ashigeru, I think this is a good one for you, specifically, to re-read, because it's a trap your loving, nurturing self is suceptible to. Me, I want to be a whole person who can give myself like a whole person can. I have issues, absolutely. But I don't want to stay broken so I can be taken care of, and I VERY much recognize that the work and change has to start and end with me. Support is great, but please, don't take on the role of my doctor. Don't try to rescue me from myself, or anyone else, for that matter, because no matter how much you order or pamper, we all still must take personal responsibility for our actions and decisions- and anyone who trully cannot do this is not of sound enough mind to give informed consent in BDSM.
So, back to anyone interested in being with me, while you may well want to help me, and I will deeply appreciate the help, please do not feel that you need to take the role of my therapist or doctor, because you cannot "fix" me in that way. Even if you are a therapist or doctor, there is a "conflict of interest" line that won't allow you to see things clearly enough. While I am disabled, and BDSM does help me, I don't expect it to "cure" me, and I don't want you to feel that you need to "cure" me, either. I am not my disabilities. I am not my broken bits. I'm still a whole person, working hard at doing better with the life I have every single day!
So, in conclusion... I will give you everything with consistent, positive encouragement! The "can't do well enough, going to fail no matter what" spectre hanging over my head will make me more and more stressed, anxious, and even afraid of you. It will lead me to dissociating to survive, and giving things I am not ok with giving, rather than joyful, willing, inspired submission. So, nurturing, positive dominance is the way to go with me, for sure! I'm not saying there should never be consequences, but turning failures into learning opportunities rather than devastating punishments or abandonment will encourage me to grow and do better.
In order to have better scenes, deeper bonding, and to further develop the D/s relationship with my Master, as well as provide a guide and an idea about the type of sub I am to future partners, I am going through Anton Fulmen's "The Heart of Dominance" and discussing, section-by-section, different aspects of my submissive orientation. In this series of entries, I will describe what does and does not work with me, and how deeply I go into each type of D/s dynamic.
I do have some objectification kinks, once again very much in scene with a partner with whom I have negotiated this sort of play.
I enjoy the CONCEPT, the ILLUSION of being used as a sex toy for the amusement and gratification of my dom, wherein my enjoyment doesn't matter and their pleasure does. I do not enjoy being thought of or treated that way in reality.
What do I mean there?
Being used as a masturbation toy, for example. The thought of a man jacking himself off with his cock up against me, or using his fist to jack himself off while roughly running his knuckles against my cunt, that's hot. Using me violently, hard, telling me they're jacking themselves off with my cunt, forcing me to do things for their amusement while they get off and then cum inside me at the very end, or on me, that's hot. There is, as you can see, some crossover here with sexual humiliation.
HOWEVER.
I do want to get off, in the end. Or at the least, later that day. I do not enjoy orgasm denial. Maybe I don't cum during one scene, but I do hope to cum a lot in the next. The pleasure of my partner is very important to me, and I don't always have to get off, but using me sexually without any actual sexual gratification for me should be done very sparingly, or I will start to feel quite unhappy and neglected.
Rather, I love to hear that attidue, to be treated as if that is the case during play, but then made to get off anyway. Make it a part of the game, even. It's a delicate bit of role-play, ultimately. "I don't give a fuck if you cum. I don't give a fuck if it hurt. In fact, I fucking love when I hurt you with my cock. I wanna watch you masturbate to the pain. Watching you struggle with how hard I fuck you amuses me. I want to watch your body betray you. I'm going to make you cum because it gets me off." Hot. Not every time, but it's an element that can really turn me on- as long as I am NOT actually being hurt too badly, and my partner is making sure that I am, actually aroused.
Being used as furniture and the like is not a huge fetish of mine, but if it is a part of an overall D/s package, it can be nice. Being used as a footrest can be peaceful, in a way.
On the other hand, I DESPISE being objectified for my body type. I can't stand bieng treated like a fetish, a "BBW" who isn't considered to be a person at all. I have to deal with far too much abuse in my vanilla life for the type of body I have. I want to be desired for the person I am, not the shape of my body. I don't get it as badly as my Asian sisters in kink who have to deal with "yellow fever" dudes, but it's a similar ucky feeling. I know it is something that is empowering or a turn-on for some other women of size, but it's not a thing for me. I surely do not mind people finding me physically attractive! I just don't want people to use me as a fetish without ACTUALLY getting to know and appreciate ME.
Along similar lines, I'm not really comfortable with people trying for the objectification angle from the other side of things. I'm looking at you, "do u want a BBC" guys. I am attracted to people for the people they are. I don't go in for racial objectification, and I feel a bit of side-eye towards people who seem to think the only trait they have that matters is their penis and the color thereof. If you are black and you have a big cock, hey, awesome, I've got no problem with that- but I'm not gonna automatically jump on that. Introduce yourself to me as a person meeting another person, and if we get to know one another and click, then maybe we'll play. People aren't "My Little Ponies" to me, though. For me, life ain't a Laurell K Hamilton book, ya know? I don't need to collect a buncha cookie-cutter, interchangeable men who have different colorations. I want to know and like YOU. I want you to know and like ME. And besides, I've seen how that king of attitude has been really emotionally harmful for some of my black brothers in kink.
Again, if it is happymaking and empowering for YOU, that's awesome! But since this series is about what does and doesn't work for me in D/s, there you go. I don't go in for body type, ability/disability, gender identity or racial objectification.
Now then, once in a while, pin me down facedown and use me hard for your own gratification while you watch some kinky as hell porn? For me, that's hot. It's not really about me watching the porn with you. It's about you getting off while watching the porn, and using my body to do it.
Using me as a platter for food? Haha, I've done it. It was more silly and fun than erotic for me, but hey, nothing wrong with silly and fun from time to time, right?
When it comes to service, I am not really into objectification there. I like to know that I am pleasing my dominant, and that I am doing well. That tends to involve praise and the kind of gratitude a dominant gives to their submissive. "What a lovely meal. You did a great job, and I'm enjoying it. Good girl." To see and know that I am pleasing gives me a great deal of joy, and I'll go into this more in the "service" section of my write-up. But for here, I mention it because it is not an area where I enjoy objectification.
I also have found that great care should be taken with me when approaching the concept that "a submissive's only pleasure should be pleasing their Master." This has been used against me in the past, to the point where my needs were not being met, my boundaries were not being respected, and I did not feel considered or even safe. While the pleasure of my partner is, as a submissive, deeply, deeply important, a dominant must take care that I do not end up shutting down and dissociating to avoid displeasing my partner. This is a survival tactic from both my childhood and some unhealthy past relationships- with CPTSD, a response to stresses and triggers can be fight, flight, freeze, or FAWN. A dominant who is abusive or doesn't know better can exploit the "fawn" aspect, causing a survivor to sacrifice their own needs and safety in order to placate and please their partner. It was a way to stay safe, and "earn" love. A very unhealthy way. Threats of abandonment and the use of fear and pain drove me into that space where I felt that I was not allowed to express needs or even boundaries, because I was told I was not being a "true" submissive if I did.
So, never again for that. I firmly believe that, for a healthy relationship for me, both dominant and submissive must keep the needs and desires of their partner in mind, but also not neglect their own needs and desires. When everyone is happy and fulfilled, a relationship is going to be rewarding and happy. So, I need to feel that I WANT to please my partner, not that I shouldn't want my own needs met, or that I will get hurt if I don't.
In other words, outside of sexual play, while I DO very much want to please my master, it is important to not play up "all you should want or care about is pleasing me, your needs don't matter."
I don't do it intentionally, but I suck ice cream off my spoon uh, well, like I'm delicately sucking cock. Master is very entertained by this.
Today, I went to a sushi bar with my favorite ever sushi chef. Look, if he wasn't married... Oh yes please. But he is, so, you know, I don't do anything about being super into him. He is awesome, and often slips me extra sushi.
Today, he gifted me with "get better" ice cream.
Me: "*Master's name* always teases me about the way I eat ice cream, but I don't think about it!"
Chef: "I think I know why he like to watch you eat ice cream!"
Me: "oh! I got a little on my face! Sometimes that happens!"
Chef, laughing: "STOP TALKING OHMYGOD"
Beet red Ev finished her ice cream, though!
In order to have better scenes, deeper bonding, and to further develop the D/s relationship with my Master, as well as provide a guide and an idea about the type of sub I am to future partners, I am going through Anton Fulmen's "The Heart of Dominance" and discussing, section-by-section, different aspects of my submissive orientation. In this series of entries, I will describe what does and does not work with me, and how deeply I go into each type of D/s dynamic.
For me, I DO have some humiliation kinks, some that are very deeply embedded in my sexuality, but one must tread very lightly on the devaluation scale.
For example, the humiliating aspect of using spit as lube (while doing everything to avoid causing infections, please,) can be very hot for me. Being forced to rub myself on someone's (clean) boots. Forced masturbation. Being told, in scene, by someone I trust and have negotiated this with (actually, this applies to EVERYTHING- it requires negotiation, trust, and CONSENT) what a cockwhore I am, what a fuck hole I am, that's hot.
Any sort of degradation that tells me I am not good enough, worthless, or that being used is ALL I'm good for, is very much NOT. Putting me down, lowering my sense of self-worth, setting me up to fail, this will cause me anxiety and trauma. I will feel hurt, and angry, and it will actually damage my self esteem. Being told I am ugly, unattractive, fat, a pig, worthless, etc, is absolutely a hard limit. Being interrogated with questions I cannot answer correctly no matter what I say, or being told I can't do anything right, is very damaging. Using this set-up-to-fail to guilt or frighten me into doing something I'm really not ok with is, for me, just plain abusive. It is the opposite of what I need as a submissive, and will destroy my trust in you very, very quickly.
So, ultimately, I enjoy some sexual humiliation. Bieng fucked by unconventional objects, like, say, being forced to crawl with a flogger handle (in a condom) stuffed inside of me, that's hot to me. Being exposed to my partner, stripped (but told it's hot, not put down for what they see) and spread, being made to wear clothing that exposes my most intimate and sexual body parts, that's hot. Being spread open, groped, explored as though I am a sexual object that my partner has complete access to, that's hot. Being made to wear a dildo inside of me while going out in public, with only my partner and other select trusted people knowing, that's fucking hot. Using me hard sexually and telling me to learn my place is hot. Being fucked with a broom handle, hot.
Being forced to perfom sexual acts in front of an audience can be a hot as hell fantasy come true, or really upsetting, depending on my headspace and body image that day. Many things involving humiliation must be very carefully set up and balanced, and require a keen understanding of headspace and reading where I am. Enthusiastic consent is very important here. Finding where I am at is very important here. It's the difference between some hot as hell orgasms and trauma.
A lot of verbalization can also help here. Reflecting. Narrating what I am doing, or what's being done to me, and why it's hot. Knowing I'm doing well, even in a scene involving humiliation, is very key for me. Nurturing is an over-arching theme in my submissive needs, but when playing with sexual humiliation, it should not be over-used, because too much of it will take away from that particular headspace. "Take it like the little fuck-bitch you are. That's right. Just like that. Yes. Fuck that's hot, look at your wet little cunt, so hungry and exposed, you'll take anything, won't you?" See how that is both affirming and sexually humiliating?
This sort of thing can be re-enforced to a degree outside of scenes, but for the most part is only really great for me when I'm turned on.
And, after a scene with a great deal of this sort of energy, I need a good amount of aftercare. Time to feel safe, to come down, to be cared for and made to feel valued. That is when it is good to tell me how I was a good girl, how well I did, how I took it all so well, to be petted and rubbed and loved on, wrapped up in a blanket and held close.
Surgery went really well. Resident did a great job. Of course even with a ton of extra numbing we found a not numb spot. But got it mostly numbed enough to remove the rest. The roots ran deep but they think they got it all. Hopefully that site won't recur.
Also got Botox all around the areas that have plagues and scarred me over and over again since I was 7. Hoping that'll do the trick!
I got photos of the procedure and the removed tissue, thanks to my beloved.
OK!
So, today I'm having part of my breast removed to try to save the rest of it.
I have an orphan disease. Pharmaceutical companies don't research it because it isn't profitable enough. It's called "hidradenitis suppurativa" and most of the info about it online is wrong. I wouldn't even trust the mayo clinic on this one.
I am seeing a team of specialists at Stanford about it. Have someone there who has decided to make it their life's work.
When I was 7, I suffered a severe trauma (it involved trafficking) and trauma can activate an autoimmune disease if you have the genetic markers for it. Mine showed up a little earlier than most people, as a result, since normally it appears at puberty.
The pediatrician told my parents that I had "boils" because I was "dirty."
I spent so many years full of shame, obsessively bathing twice or three times a day.
Turns out what it actually is, as far as they understand it now, is that my immune system mistakenly sees sweat glands and hair follicles as the enemy and attacks them.
Stage 1 is a giant cyst-like structure that can swell up, usually to the size of a golf ball, but sometimes a lot bigger.
Stage 2, it eats channels into my flesh. Channels/sinus tracts/roots/tunnels, whatever people decide to call it. I think they are calling it "roots" right now.
Stage 3, it honeycombs through the flesh.
Stage 4, it completely destroys an area of flesh, like a flesh eating virus.
For a long time, doctors thought it was acne, or a bacterial infection. It isn't.
What has been discovered, however, is that in 50% of cases, botox can cause total remission. You have to keep getting botox, and it is expensive as hell. We got Medicare to cover part of that, but I'm going in blind, as Stanford's "financial counseling center" never did figure out what percentage Medicare will pay for.
If it works, I will probably have to pour all the money I can make into this. Even if it doesn't, I'll have to find some way to pay for what they do today.
There is also a persistent site on my breast that has been flaring off and on for the past year. We're really worried it'll go to Stage III, and that I'll lose the breast, so we're removing it.
This is giving me a lot of pretty bad feels. Mutilating my breast is going to hit me hard, emotionally. I have so many dear friends who have had breast cancer and had to have a complete mastectomy. I have it way easier than they do. I need to remember that.
We won't know how deep the "roots" go until we cut me open today. I might need a second, more invasive surgery that will take a much bigger piece of breast.
I'll be awake for this procedure. Local doesn't work very well on me, so they will have to give me a bunch of shots of it. Also, needles tend to make me punch people, hah!
So, I'll be loaded up on Ativan. My beloved partner will be with me, and he'll be making sure I am ok.
Traffic will mean a 3 hour drive home, so we will probably end up hanging out at a cafe I love post-surgery. That's gonna suck, but I know they will take good care around me there, and if it gets really bad, a dear friend has a friend who will let me sleep in his spare room in San Francisco.
So, that's what's happening today. Don't do a google image search unless you really like horrifying gore.
Best wishes appreciated, and thank you!
