In order to have better scenes, deeper bonding, and to further develop the D/s relationship with my Master, as well as provide a guide and an idea about the type of sub I am to future partners, I am going through Anton Fulmen's "The Heart of Dominance" and discussing, section-by-section, different aspects of my submissive orientation. In this series of entries, I will describe what does and does not work with me, and how deeply I go into each type of D/s dynamic.
I remember the first moment I discovered the depth of joy I could find in service. It was a simple task: fetching a soda for my then-Master, back in 1998. It was the first time I'd been with him in person, after months of talking online and on the phone. Because he and I had spent hours working on building and establishing an M/s dynamic, I fell into the role instantly. It had been conditioned into me long ago, and being with him in person only served the greatly intensify the experience.
I found it so fulfilling to tend to his needs, at his direction. To know I was doing something that would give him pleasure filled me with pleasure of my own. His happiness was my happiness. Some part of me, in the back of my mind, was confused by this. Why was bringing someone a soda a source of such contentment and joy? But it just felt right. Comforting. Peaceful. I knew what to do to make him happy, because he told me to do it. I discovered, at that moment, that I lived to serve.
I do not find complete fulfillment in service alone. It is a piece of the puzzle, and one that makes me happy, but in combination with other things. Making a loved one's life better, however, plants within me seeds of contentment which blossom and grow with each sigh of pleasure, smile, and word of praise.
I love to make people happy. I love to make their worlds better. I love to bring comfort, joy, and pleasure.
Domestic service:
I don't identify as a maid sub, really. Funnily enough, I WORK as a maid, and a number of my clients are in the lifestyle. Do I enjoy working as a maid for doms? Well, yeah. Working for good doms is a very comforting and safe feeling. I won't call it play because it isn't negotiated as such, and I keep things professional and consensual. It's nice to work where I know I'm safe and understood, though, and in vanilla scenarios, I still find fulfillment in service. I still take joy in knowing I did well!
In my private life, I don't mind a bit of domestic service as a part of D/s, though I'm not gonna feel much joy in scrubbing someone's toilet, heh. Making things a bit nicer, that can be good! TOO much maid work feels like an unpaid job, since I do it as an actual job. A little bit here and there is different.
A SCENE where I roleplay a sexy maid with a lusty dominant client though? Oh hell yeah! Look, I'll be frank, I've had pleeeeenty of fantasies about working for a sexy dom as a maid and having the relationship slowly go from professional to personal. Combinging light housework with kink? That could be fun. And ya know, doing that at home would really motivate me to do more housework, when my body can handle it. Performing tasks with rewards or play during or in between sounds pretty awesome, come to think of it.
A sexy as hell but possibly impractical lolita maid outfit would be a bonus, hah!
I can see myself in one of those dresses, big fluffy skirt that's a bit too short, perhaps with my breasts exposed, down on my hands and knees, dusting, while he enjoys the sight of me. Maybe he secures a toy inside of me and has me working, every swipe of the mop making me move the toy inside myself a bit. Maybe a swat to the butt with his belt as I sweep. Or perhaps I am to kneel at his feet after I'm done wiping down the end tables, open, receptive, demure, pulse racing, wondering... what is going to happen now? How much farther will he take things next week? When will looking turn to touching? When will touching turn to taking?
I love to cook, and I love to feed people. Serving my Master food and knowing that he is enjoying it is a wonderful feeling! Even though I'm one of those people for whom chewing and slurping sounds are like nails on a chalkboard, heh. Open-mouthed eating is just about a hard limit of mine. :p
The grace and flow of service:
My training in the Way of Japanese Tea is a vanilla pursuit, but I feel that it has helped me as a submissive as well. Learning the flow of serving with grace is a joy. I would enjoy taking this skill more to my exploration of D/s.
Sexual service:
I'll be honest with you. I don't have a g-spot on my uvula. I don't get orgasms from sucking cock.
That being said, I love to serve sexually. I love to give pleasure. When my neck injury allows it, I love to make my partners feel good. It brings me joy. It makes me feel submissive. I love to serve sexually... but I would feel unfulfilled and neglected by a dom who would mostly just use me by having me suck them off. I need reciprocity.
I don't need to get off, myself, every single time I suck cock, or have my breasts fucked, or am used for sexual pleasure some other way, but I've also been in a relationship where the dom would have me suck him off every time, and rarely ever gave me an orgasm, myself. It was that whole "your only pleasure should be MY pleasure" approach, and eventually it left me feeling really awful.
I DO take joy in my dom or Master's pleasure, but in order to feel like the cherished sub I need to be, I need to know they care about making me feel good, too. I need a dominant who enjoys seeing me fulfilled, happy, and sexually satisfied.
Knowing I am valued and considered in this way makes me want to serve and please even more.
I can take so much joy in giving my partner sexual pleasure, if that is what he wants and enjoys. I do not want anyone to feel like they HAVE to accept sexual pleasure from me, if they aren't comfortable with going there. I can play with people without sex, though I prefer sexual play with long term/serious partners.
Hospitality service:
Cooking and serving food actually falls under this category, but serving tea and the like does, too! I certainly enjoy making tea for my partners. A Japanese tea ceremony is a sacred Zen Buddhist ritual, and not so much something I would do as a kink, but I would of course be very happy to serve a partner in that ceremony- I won't mix it with kink during the ritual itself, however.
Body service:
You want a massage and pampering? I'm happy to do it! Pain only allows me to do so much, but I LOVE to pamper my partners, absolutely!
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Set me up to succeed!
I love to serve- successfully. I love to do well. I feel great when I'm appreciated, praised, and it's clear what I am doing is enjoyable for my partner. I'm not saying I need to be praised every moment and every second. I also am very happy to learn how to do better.
I can't, however, handle being set up to fail. Rather than making me feel put in my place in a good way, or submissive, it makes me feel anxious, frustrated, and it destroys my confidence. It can even make me really angry! Being treated like I can never do well enough or purposefully given an overwhelming amount of tasks that I cannot possibly finish properly is going to put me on a bullet train to the magical land of panic attacks. I don't learn and grow well with negative re-enforcement. Being told "you suck at this" won't make me think "I must work harder to do better, somehow!" It makes me think "oh, I guess I really suck and am no good." I won't stay in a relationship where I feel like I can't do anything right or can never do well enough to be trusted or loved. Hard, HARD fucking limit. Never again. It's a type of D/s that some people find fulfilling and happymaking, but for me, it is extremely harmful. This is non-negotiable.
Now, a fun, lighthearted, playful GAME sort of play where I'm set up to fail and we both know it and are laughing about it, that's fine. I mean, if you play Dark Souls III, you know some 50 foot tall skeleton dude is gonna come running out of nowhere and squish you. You're gonna get the grey screen with the big red letters that say "YOU DIED" and because you know this is the game, you laugh about it. "Not again, noooooo!" But you know that's exactly what it is. This is different from someone acting believably angry with you, yelling or putting you down. Something like, adding more and more full cups to a tray, with a "funishment" consequence when they inevitably spill, and you and I both know they're going to and that I am not a failure and you aren't upset with me about it, because it's supposed to happen at some point, that's ok.
Mind games that make me anxious, and emotional sadism, are 100% not OK for me these days.
And finally... have me do things that you ACTUALLY enjoy and appreciate. I want you to really like what I'm doing. What's the point, otherwise? Why have me do stuff and pretend to like it if you really don't care at all? I'll be able to tell, even if only subconsciously, and it'll wear on both of us.
So, let me go through the payoffs in Anton's book, and tell you which apply to me:
Having a job in the relationship: Yeah, this makes me happy. Clarity and consistency, ditto. I don't need something that I MUST DO EVERY SINGLE DAY. Honestly, that's something that can become tedious for both partners, long-term. See, a couple that decides to write up a contract that requires a morning blowjob every single day. Sounds great on paper. Turns into a high-pressure chore in practice, eventually. A balance of consistency and variety is good. Some things that are a ritual of repetition can be nice, but being given different tasks under the umbrella of the "job" are good, too. There is where being a creative and thoughtful dom comes in handy. I don't want to give you a list of all the stuff you should have me do. That makes domming myself be the "job" and defeats the purpose. But some responsibilities as a sub could be nice. This aspect isn't ESSENTIAL for me, mind. But knowing my role is great.
Feeling competent: ABSOLUTELY YES. This, I would say, IS an essential aspect of my service. Building and re-enforcing my confidence. Getting a sense of accomplishment, feeling my worth, and building on success. Being acknowledged when I do well means the world to me, also. And yes, I take chastizement hard, so please don't use it unless it is really needful. Turning a failure into an opportunity to learn and giving me ways to make it better will be much more successful.
Feeling subordinate: Ehhh, no, not in the way Anton describes it. Being lesser, or doing things that are simply beneath my partner? Having my nose rubbed in it? Naw, not my thing. I prefer to serve with dignity and grace. Someone who is purposefully dismissive and difficult to please is not for me.
Looking good doing it: Hah! Well hey, I did mention I love the thought of serving with flow and grace. So sure! I love to dress up, too. I can very much enjoy formality in some of my service- I don't think I'd love the tea ceremony as much as I do if a part of me didn't enjoy formality and protocol.
LOL, I just noticed that Anton specifically MENTIONS the Japanese Tea Ceremony in his book, in this section. Well then. Yep. Good call. I'll skip the strict discipline for tiny mistakes, though. I can leave that to my tea Sensei, who of course nitpicks tiny things, but does so with kindness, grace, and humor. Hah. I bet his ears are burning somewhere right now.
Getting to Know You: Yeah, the intimacy of service and learning/seeing to someone's preferences is great. I can see how some people want to keep more distance in D/s, but that's not for me. I love that deep, intimate bonding. I love learning my partners, what pleases them, what they like, what makes them happy, and giving them those things, when I can. I love the connection that comes with knowing what and how to do to please them in so many ways. That's all good stuff!
Getting Things Done Right: Ohhhh this is a tricky one. I feel like I have so much I have to take care of and run and organize in my vanilla life. My household requires a lot of managing and guidance from me, though I am not really happy about having to do that. It's a lot of emotional labor that I didn't really consent to, but feel like I have to step into, or things will fall apart and not get done in a way that will lead to difficulties for me, or cause problems between my partner and I. The rent has to get paid. A housemate needs to be dealt with because they're fucking up the washer by never balancing the load, or they're slamming the front door constantly. There's some conflict between housemates, and I have to navigate it and get everyone calmed down again. A partner isn't taking care of a basic need and I have to do a bunch of legwork and pushing to get them to take care of it. I think perhaps part of the problem, however, is having to voluntarily do this stuff because otherwise it won't get done, instead of being asked to help and given grattitude for doing so. So, perhaps SOMETIMES it would be good. Playing to one another's strengths, you know? But in a way that is asked for an appreciated, instead of making me feel like I'm being invasive and doing something unwanted and unappreciated.
Let's say, for example, you need to make an appointment to get new internet service, because the ISP we are using is going to shut down, and we need to set it up on your credit card. The household will lose internet service if it isn't taken care of, and it needs to be on your card.
If I keep having to remind you because the deadline is coming and if you don't sign us up for a new ISP, we'll lose internet access, and you get annoyed and keep saying "yeah I'll take care of it" but never do, or you feel overwhelmed by the choices and finding one that works, so I end up doing the legwork and having to lay it all out for you, unasked, and send you a link, and you say "ok, I'll do it" resentfully, I'll feel frustrated and unappreciated. Insecure and not supported, helpless when something that affects us both is depending on you and it isn't getting done.
But what if you know you have a hard time with this sort of thing, and you give me the task of researching different ISPs? And, when I find one that works well, you show grattitude and appreciation for my work, doing something that is hard for you, and taking a lot of the pressure and stress off? And then, since I have given you support, you FOLLOW THROUGH. That is where consistency and showing appreciation for my Getting Things Done Right comes though- instead of reacting to being nagged and harried, you are instead appreciative of the support and the work your submissive has done, and show that what I have done matters, and that both my well-being and yours matters, by then signing up for the new ISP. This way, you take the lead, and it is not seen as me trying to manipulate or control you, but rather supporting you as your submissive. and I will feel as though I am appreciated and serving you, instead of having to take charge because things that I am depending on you to take care of aren't getting done. The former makes us both feel good and secure in our roles. The latter causes stress, anxiety, and pressure that is damaging to our roles.
Of course, this must also be done with sensitivity to how much bandwidth I have. How many tasks can I handle without being over-stressed? This is a good thing to ascertain.
Earned rewards of service:
While I DO get some fulfillment from service, like I said at the beginning, I will not feel wholly fulfilled, in a D/s relationship, from performing service alone. I need more interaction than that. I need play, in a serious relationship I need sex, I need intimacy and love and interaction. Thus, while this is a lovely facet of who I am as a sub, it is not the whole of it, nor does it cover the whole of my needs and desires.
And, finally, yes, checking in to see if the rituals and expectations of service we have agreed to are still working well for both of us on a regular basis is vital.
